In the last session, (before his 'performing' one) I told T I would be better off back at work so my anger could be triggered again.. Of course I wanted him to say, "Oh no, these twice weekly sessions will do the trick, and all will be sorted enough for you not to feel rejected again." He didn't say that though. Instead, he agreed that I should get back to work.

I have done a runner. Brain found a way to avoid rejection and I am taking it for as long as possible. For the time being my anger is safely packed away. There is very little movement happening now, and no sense of going forward. I am in my today, not my past.

I cant shake off this sense of rejection though. I've had reoccurring dreams of ex boss about to apologize for all the mistakes she made by misjudging me. Then and I am back on the job copping it all over again. It's like I never left.

I'm inclined to think the real feelings of rejection are about my infancy more so than now. Those feelings of rejection have never left me. I yearned for my mother to finally 'see' me, and my need for love. That she had made the mistake by rejecting me. Is that why I always felt I was the mistake, and everything about me was wrong? Therefore, my anger towards her was wrong too? Is that why blame and shame are still with me today? Failure is the theme of today, as I continue to hide from the world.

I can wrap it all up in my head, and say logically mother was wrong, but emotionally those feelings wont budge. The dream was about my anger annihilating her, which meant I would be annihilated without her.

Two more days before a session, and I can feel the emotional breaks easing. The child needs to feel.


Brain threw me into another dream about work. I was still working there even though I had resigned. 'Boss' was too busy refurbishing and cleaning her ivory tower to notice me. 'J' was back from holidays. I wanted to tell him how things eventuated for me to lose my job and hopefully not have to ask for the money he owed me. We snuck out for a ciggie and a chat.

It seemed he already knew what had happened, and there was no mention of the money or the email I sent him to contact me. I sensed all that before he spoke., and couldn't help but notice the anger on his face. It was directed towards me. I tried to speak but had no memory of the events prior to resignation. I couldn't formulate any words to converse with him. We were then in danger of being caught out by boss for being together having a forbidden smoko. That's when we temporarily separated. But when I tried to find him again the corridor was full of fog.

Boss asked me what the nurse was doing rolling around on the floor and not in uniform. I told her she should know because she had hired her.

It was time to leave all that familiarity with them, and face the unknown abyss pass the exit door. I woke up in it.


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' I tried to speak but had no memory of the events prior to resignation. I couldn't formulate any words to converse with him. '

This part of my dream is pre verbal, I think. I do remember it was very frustrating not to have the ability in the dream to communicate how I felt to my father/image.

" 'Boss' was too busy refurbishing and cleaning her ivory tower to notice me." This could also be pre verbal. It was a knowing my mother/image was not available to me emotionally.

In that dream, I concluded neither parent was available to me emotionally. My demands to have my needs met angered my parents, because their needs were never met.


"I don't think these memories are about active abuse per se, its more about not having care or attunement or being paid attention to." ..AG

These words describe my feelings of rejection. Emotional deprivation *IS* abuse/trauma of the worse kind.



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