Drugs Lots of Drugs

Just kidding - sort of. I always have anxiety in therapy. It was beyond horrible in the beginning and got markedly better after starting to take an anti-anxiety, depression medication. That was over a year ago. I would like to come off the medication as my depression has gotten so much better but I am afraid the horrible paralyzing anxietywould return. I have suffered from exzema my whole life and I knew it was stress induced. Since starting this med, my exzema is finally under control. (not gone but managable)

That term surrender to your T sounds so dire. I wonder if rethinking that a bit might help. How about instead of surrender, you think about it as opening up to T so she can come and walk with you through things. That sounds much more doable. I have been able to open up but not without just pushing through the anxiety. I don't think it is ever going to feel safe and right to talk about these things. I just sort of override the feelings with my rational mind. If I want help, I have to be willing to open up and talk.

I wish you luck LongRoad.

Jillann

Hi Everyone,

Jillann: Yes drugs! ...lol Actually I have been on meds for my depression/anxiety for many years and it does help to make my life tolerable. Now I just need to find a "trust therapist" pill at the pharmacy Thank you for suggesting the use of another word. Surrender is a little on the powerful side. To use the term "open up" seems a little less threatening ...lol

MsC: No problem. Although I obviously don't like the anxiety or realize that others are having to contend with it it does offer me a bit of comfort knowing I'm not alone.

As I reflect on this further I've come to two conclusions:

A) I trust my T
B) I don't trust my T

When I rationally look at my relationship with my T I can honestly say that I want to be as straight forward, truthful, and trusting as I can (and boy it can be tough at times!). Otherwise I'm sabotaging my own healing. Having said that, On a subconscious level, there is a part of me saying to myself "Hey this is not safe!", "Don't dig too deep!", "Don't show her the hurt!". And I find these two sides of me battling for control. But I am slowly opening up more. I am moving forward. I need to hang on to those thoughts.

LongRoad

Hi LongRoad,

You said:

quote:

...On a subconscious level,there is a part of me saying to myself "Hey this is not safe!", "Don't dig too deep!", "Don't show her the hurt!". And I find these two sides of me battling for control. But I am slowly opening up more. I am moving forward. I need to hang on to those thoughts.

This hits the nail on the head. You have anxiety because somewhere inside of you there is still a part of you that perceives there is a threat. It makes total sense to me that you would feel anxiety and also battle with yourself because, intellectually, you know your T is safe, and you know it's in your best interest to be completely forthcoming, but inside of you, you still have fear given your past. Plus you are in the process of surfacing some difficult material regarding your father, which would have to kick up the fear even more so. These emotions just take time to process and change. Sometimes a LONG time!! It sounds like you are on your way because you said you are opening up more.

So it may or may not bring you solace but, in my view, you will trust your therapist and then, I would imagine, a good portion of the anxiety will be gone when you are ready and not before.
To think about it in this way can be a good thing because then you can let go of trying to change it or rush it and not add beating up on yourself to the mix (I don't know if this is something you do, I know I do and it's frustrating). The anxiety will change when you no longer experience the internal threat you describe, or it is much less.

I have been in therapy for almost four years and it has taken a long time to completely be vulnerable with my T. He tells me it's because there is so much "volume" of material going on inside, so much of that emotional message that "this is not safe".

Hope that helps,

Hi DBS,

Thank you very much for your reply. I think you were both concise and accurate in your response. As much as I want that trust to develop overnight I've come to realize that it is a long and slow process. Unfortunately, much of the trauma that I experienced happened at a young age (more than 30yrs ago) so that although I have strong feelings connected with it, I don't have many strong memories of it. I think this may prolong my recovery process. But I'm determined to make the best of it. Thanks for your words of encouragement. And yes, I do get frustrated with myself at times too.

LongRoad

Hi LongRoad,

I'm never comfortable in session, not because of my T, but because I'm terrified of my feelings. For the longest time, 24 hours before a session, my anxiety would start - my heart pounding, I start to sweat, my mind is racing. It's slowly getting better and my anxiety now starts 4-6 hours before a session.

I have not surrendered to my T. In fact, our last session, the thing we talked about was the theme of me hiding, shame, not giving him the chance to show his love because I'm not present, etc. I can say probably only in 2 or 3 sessions was I even partly present. I don't know how to overcome it. We're still in the "observing" phase.

Interestingly, I saw T2 today. She brought up how important being authentic was - not for her to know, but for me to learn how to be compassionate with myself. She said I injure myself when I don't allow myself authentic self to be known. Her take on the issue is completely different and I look forward to hearing more about it from her.

I long for the day I can be fully present with my T and freely enjoy being in his presence. I hope that day comes for you, too!

PF

I would definitely not expect yourself to surrender to a T (or anyone else)... more a process of letting them nearer, so they can see us and our stuff more clearly? I think it ought to be a gentle change. Surrender is more an image of the child who had no choice to obey the adults around her.

In terms of anxiety, with my exT (not the recent one) I used to become dissociated about 24hrs before the appointment - it was not helpful. She said it was obviously my way of ensuring I 'turned up' - and it was, but we never explored why I needed to be so defended! This dynamic never happened with the recent T, which was interesting as I found out which things were to do with ME and which were just part of a particular relationship.

sb

I have been seeing my wonderful T for many years. For several years at the start I was terrified before, during and after each session despite everything she ever did to relax or reassure me. Like sapphire-blue I dissociated badly, to the point I had no recollection of sessions afterwards or anything she'd asked me to do. It slowly started to improve as I learnt to trust her completely, but that was a slow process with ups and downs with my confidence.

Now I sometimes feel anxious if I know the material we will be discussing might be hard, but I am never anxious about seeing her and mostly feel a sense of relief when I see her smiling face welcoming me. Now it feels like a release and I look forward to our sessions; but this was not always the case so I totally understand where you are coming from.

fishy

Hi Monte, PF, SB, and SF

Thank you for sharing your insight and experiences with me. As I look back over my two years of therapy I can see the progress I've made in this area. And as my T has pointed out to me, I won't feel really relaxed and open until my nervous system tells me it's safe to do so. And right now my nervous is, well, nervous

LongRoad