How bad is it that i bought the same shoes as my T's (i ll return them, i feel too bad about it, but i'd like yo know if anyone else has been tempted to do anything similar?)
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About, first of all, I'm sending hugs your way. Wanting to connect to your T is more than normal, and this was just your indirect means of getting that sense of connection fulfilled. I wonder if it is something you could mention to your T? It is certainly harmless to her and emotionally significant in your relationship.
Have you every heard of The Work by Byron Katie? I want to go through that here with what you wrote, because it sounds like you are in a vulnerable place with this thread and I want to offer a tool that helps me in that mindset. I am going to do it as if it were my statement, though, so I can really delve into the idea. Presently, I struggle with wanting my T to have a more motherly or friend-like role in my life, even though I know that can't and won't happen, so this attachment is something that really resonates for me.
Belief: I am bad for buying the same shoes as my T and crossing boundaries.
Is it true? (Yes or no, but no justifications are needed.)
Is it absolutely true?
How does it make me feel when I believe that I am bad for crossing this boundary and buying these shoes?
It makes me feel needy and vulnerable. It makes me feel like I am unlovable because I have to force a physical connection where one doesn't exist. I feel lonely and heartbroken for having this desire for connection left unmet, and I feel weak and needy for trying to satisfy this connection beyond what feels normal. I distance myself from my T because of the shame and I isolate in my own thoughts of an imagined connection that I can't have.
Who would I be without the thought? How would I feel if I didn't believe that I am bad for buying these shoes and crossing this boundary?
I would be honest with my T. I would not carry shame about this desire for attachment or connection and I would be able to discuss this desire openly. I wouldn't need her approval or acceptance and I would be more available to connect with real friends in my life. I would be kinder to myself and find humor in all the little impulsive quirks I have now and then that make me human.
Turn the thought around:
(1) I am good for buying these shoes and crossing this boundary - certainly, because it is helping me to learn about myself and my relationship with my T.
(2) I did not cross a boundary by buying these shoes - it is harmless, after all.
I don't know if that is at all helpful, but I hope you can find a tool to help yourself quiet the inner critic, because this is just a normal desire for connection and a great opportunity to learn and grow. In fact, with your help, I just grew a little myself
Have you every heard of The Work by Byron Katie? I want to go through that here with what you wrote, because it sounds like you are in a vulnerable place with this thread and I want to offer a tool that helps me in that mindset. I am going to do it as if it were my statement, though, so I can really delve into the idea. Presently, I struggle with wanting my T to have a more motherly or friend-like role in my life, even though I know that can't and won't happen, so this attachment is something that really resonates for me.
Belief: I am bad for buying the same shoes as my T and crossing boundaries.
Is it true? (Yes or no, but no justifications are needed.)
Is it absolutely true?
How does it make me feel when I believe that I am bad for crossing this boundary and buying these shoes?
It makes me feel needy and vulnerable. It makes me feel like I am unlovable because I have to force a physical connection where one doesn't exist. I feel lonely and heartbroken for having this desire for connection left unmet, and I feel weak and needy for trying to satisfy this connection beyond what feels normal. I distance myself from my T because of the shame and I isolate in my own thoughts of an imagined connection that I can't have.
Who would I be without the thought? How would I feel if I didn't believe that I am bad for buying these shoes and crossing this boundary?
I would be honest with my T. I would not carry shame about this desire for attachment or connection and I would be able to discuss this desire openly. I wouldn't need her approval or acceptance and I would be more available to connect with real friends in my life. I would be kinder to myself and find humor in all the little impulsive quirks I have now and then that make me human.
Turn the thought around:
(1) I am good for buying these shoes and crossing this boundary - certainly, because it is helping me to learn about myself and my relationship with my T.
(2) I did not cross a boundary by buying these shoes - it is harmless, after all.
I don't know if that is at all helpful, but I hope you can find a tool to help yourself quiet the inner critic, because this is just a normal desire for connection and a great opportunity to learn and grow. In fact, with your help, I just grew a little myself
About-In my opinion I don't think you did anything wrong buying the same type of shoes that T has. I love what finding_my_way said about connection. I also love the exploring the thoughts and turning the beliefs around. Great stuff!
Draggers-I love that you have the same blanket and other such things to cope! I also love your statement about having to run around like a loon hiding it all, if you were to let T in the door!
Love the image of the little girl dressing up in an adult woman's clothes (mom's clothes)!
About, you're not alone. When I needed some dress up clothes a couple of years ago for my changing body (weight loss due to divorce/abuse stress and toning from working out), I went shopping and found similar outfits to former T's. I loved her style! I found a similar long sweater type dress to put with leggings that I saw T wear once. I put some really cool long jewelry with it and wore the outfit to a session at one point. My former T loved my necklace and every time I wore that outfit she complimented me on the necklace. I've had several other compliments on the necklace, so I know it's not just former T. Anyway, I admit that I still wear that outfit and necklace when I feel I need a strong connection with former T.
I also wear college/university T-shirts that I know my former T would wear (we attended the same university).
Also, former T and I even started wearing the same colors at my sessions (at least 4 sessions in a row). I felt like we were attuned with each other. I noticed I started buying and wearing a lot of brown, burgundy, and gray and that's what she wore a lot. Oh...I forgot about this...I saw former T out around town in sparkly pocket jean shorts that were awesome! I found some similar ones in my size the next week and bought them. I only had a chance to wear them one time though.
(((about)))
I have no original thoughts to add to all the lovely posts here, but just want you to know that I agree in not seeing anything 'bad' about this. In my eyes I don't see it as a boundary even. We've all been there dear, and if it makes you feel any better, my first female T I tried to friend on FB and got a bit of a talking to from her
I knew that was a boundary of hers, but wanted so much to find some way to be closer to her, and that feeling is powerful. It's painful stuff to confront.
I know it evokes a lot of shame, but it really is useful material to work through in learning what you are trying to heal in reaching for that connection. I hope you won't beat yourself up because you really have done no harm to anyone. As draggers said, buy a cupboard full!!
I have no original thoughts to add to all the lovely posts here, but just want you to know that I agree in not seeing anything 'bad' about this. In my eyes I don't see it as a boundary even. We've all been there dear, and if it makes you feel any better, my first female T I tried to friend on FB and got a bit of a talking to from her
I know it evokes a lot of shame, but it really is useful material to work through in learning what you are trying to heal in reaching for that connection. I hope you won't beat yourself up because you really have done no harm to anyone. As draggers said, buy a cupboard full!!
I bought a jumper that was very similar to a favourite teacher's at school *cough* and named a guinea pig after her.
Both were attempts to feel connected - made by a kid who felt pretty insecure. There was something about that teacher that made me feel safe. I remember wanting her to take me home and look after me. I think I thought I was a bit bonkers so I kept a lot of it to myself. I think for people who haven't had an optimal upbringing, these types of feelings of wanting to experience closeness and connection are really common.
Don't beat yourself up.
Both were attempts to feel connected - made by a kid who felt pretty insecure. There was something about that teacher that made me feel safe. I remember wanting her to take me home and look after me. I think I thought I was a bit bonkers so I kept a lot of it to myself. I think for people who haven't had an optimal upbringing, these types of feelings of wanting to experience closeness and connection are really common.
Don't beat yourself up.
About: I have been thinking for a long time I want to go out and buy the exact same coffee mug the Therapist has...as a way to stay and feel connected between sessions.
What does it mean to you? What motivated you to buy the shoes? Often the answer lies in the question.
I know for myself, I want to buy the mug to feel connected or close. I can not call or text due to firm boundaries...and this is a way for me to have a reminder of the realness of him.
All the best,
T.
What does it mean to you? What motivated you to buy the shoes? Often the answer lies in the question.
I know for myself, I want to buy the mug to feel connected or close. I can not call or text due to firm boundaries...and this is a way for me to have a reminder of the realness of him.
All the best,
T.
About, I actually think what you've done is a nice creative way to be close without crossing boundaries.
That said, not to make light of this, but when I read Mallard's sweet tale about naming a guinea pig after her teacher, I instantly pictured naming a guinea pig after my T and gave myself the best laugh I've had in a week. Thanks!
That said, not to make light of this, but when I read Mallard's sweet tale about naming a guinea pig after her teacher, I instantly pictured naming a guinea pig after my T and gave myself the best laugh I've had in a week. Thanks!
Dear About,
I don't really have anything ore to add. I agree with the others above. I would not consider this crossing a boundary. I know I find myself always wearing my dangling earrings on therapy day. My T always wears dangly earrings. I want to share that with her. I think it is a fairly common reaction.
Jillann
I don't really have anything ore to add. I agree with the others above. I would not consider this crossing a boundary. I know I find myself always wearing my dangling earrings on therapy day. My T always wears dangly earrings. I want to share that with her. I think it is a fairly common reaction.
Jillann
Thank you all, so much, for all your answers! Can I mention that you are amazing and kind?
And thank you for understanding... while... not so many people without therapy experience would, and I tend to feel quite crazy for feeling that way!
finding_my_way: I had never heard about Byron Katie, but it sounds interesting, and it does say a lot about what happens and how it feels.
I just feel it is so wrong to want this, and also, that the way I chose to "deal with" this wanting is quite wrong. The idea of turning it backward to see how things would be without this belief is.... interesting! I don't think I can just switch off this belief, but it is very interesting how this belief would not actually cause the end of the world or harm.
Draggers:
They represent my T. It is some part of her I won't lose, because I will lost her, I can't avoid that, it is out of my control, and it is so scary, and so "I will be lost and have nothing I will be able to hold onto. So yes, it is a way to make me feel safer, that I can prevent her from disappearing. But the truth is that she will. And that she had given me a "small rock" to keep that was supposed to play that role. And for most of the time I managed to remember I had been allowed to have this rock, and that it had to be enough, and I should not take more without being allowed to do so? Though, it is a bit difficult to say "I am needy, so I want to use your shoes as a comfort toy".
My world is that I must not be needy. Not get attached. So what about being "too needy" and acting on it!
This is so beautifully said, and so true. Thank you.
Athenacus: Thank you! And yes, sometimes, Ts have cool clothes, that's a shame
But the thing is... I am not sure I would not have buy the shoes just as well if I had not liked them. I do like them, but... I mostly like that they are my T's.
Smilingpenguin: Thank you dear!
Armored Heart:
Yes... Shame *let's hide under a rock and never see my T again* But I will go. And I will tell her. That sounds like a whole bunch of fun. ... I am so scared she thinks I am horrible and says I must never go back. Thank you a lot for your empathy.
Mallard: Thanks for sharing, indeed, it is a very childish (in a non-negative way) to deal with wanting to keep feeling safe.
eme: That's so very true! Thank you for sharing and making me feel a bit less ashamed!
TAS:
This is very exactly my feeling! Thank you!
Quell:
I am not too sure. Let's say that, in the past, with people who were not therapists, my creativity about boundaries took me in ... wrong places. And to cross some boundaries I was not so aware of. And my T made it clear it was not fine. And... I was doing it exactly for the same reason. So... if it was not fine, I am so scared that she will think that this is not fine, that I somehow betrayed her trust, because... I still did it to her, even if I did not actually do anything actually wrong? I hope, I hope she does not think it was terrible.
I just... feel I lost the right to do that, because in the past, I acted on the same feelings in a wrong way, and so, acting on them again is wrong.
Thank you all so much for your answers
And thank you for understanding... while... not so many people without therapy experience would, and I tend to feel quite crazy for feeling that way!
finding_my_way: I had never heard about Byron Katie, but it sounds interesting, and it does say a lot about what happens and how it feels.
quote:It makes me feel needy and vulnerable. It makes me feel like I am unlovable because I have to force a physical connection where one doesn't exist. I feel lonely and heartbroken for having this desire for connection left unmet, and I feel weak and needy for trying to satisfy this connection beyond what feels normal.
I just feel it is so wrong to want this, and also, that the way I chose to "deal with" this wanting is quite wrong. The idea of turning it backward to see how things would be without this belief is.... interesting! I don't think I can just switch off this belief, but it is very interesting how this belief would not actually cause the end of the world or harm.
Draggers:
quote:For me its because when i sit and think about it, it really seems stalker'ish and weird. I wonder what the shoes represent to you really About? and maybe thats what you need to focus your attention on and not the shame of buying them. Is it because of the connection? is it to have something like t's to hold her in mind so she cant disappear?
They represent my T. It is some part of her I won't lose, because I will lost her, I can't avoid that, it is out of my control, and it is so scary, and so "I will be lost and have nothing I will be able to hold onto. So yes, it is a way to make me feel safer, that I can prevent her from disappearing. But the truth is that she will. And that she had given me a "small rock" to keep that was supposed to play that role. And for most of the time I managed to remember I had been allowed to have this rock, and that it had to be enough, and I should not take more without being allowed to do so? Though, it is a bit difficult to say "I am needy, so I want to use your shoes as a comfort toy".
My world is that I must not be needy. Not get attached. So what about being "too needy" and acting on it!
quote:the shame is not ours........your mind is just trying to keep at bay the fear of not feeling that connection and the fear of losing that image of your safe base and of her being close.....
This is so beautifully said, and so true. Thank you.
Athenacus: Thank you! And yes, sometimes, Ts have cool clothes, that's a shame
But the thing is... I am not sure I would not have buy the shoes just as well if I had not liked them. I do like them, but... I mostly like that they are my T's.Smilingpenguin: Thank you dear!
Armored Heart:
quote:I know it evokes a lot of shame, but it really is useful material to work through in learning what you are trying to heal in reaching for that connection.
Yes... Shame *let's hide under a rock and never see my T again* But I will go. And I will tell her. That sounds like a whole bunch of fun. ... I am so scared she thinks I am horrible and says I must never go back. Thank you a lot for your empathy.
Mallard: Thanks for sharing, indeed, it is a very childish (in a non-negative way) to deal with wanting to keep feeling safe.
eme: That's so very true! Thank you for sharing and making me feel a bit less ashamed!
TAS:
quote:I know for myself, I want to buy the mug to feel connected or close. I can not call or text due to firm boundaries...and this is a way for me to have a reminder of the realness of him.
This is very exactly my feeling! Thank you!
Quell:
quote:About, I actually think what you've done is a nice creative way to be close without crossing boundaries.
I am not too sure. Let's say that, in the past, with people who were not therapists, my creativity about boundaries took me in ... wrong places. And to cross some boundaries I was not so aware of. And my T made it clear it was not fine. And... I was doing it exactly for the same reason. So... if it was not fine, I am so scared that she will think that this is not fine, that I somehow betrayed her trust, because... I still did it to her, even if I did not actually do anything actually wrong? I hope, I hope she does not think it was terrible.
I just... feel I lost the right to do that, because in the past, I acted on the same feelings in a wrong way, and so, acting on them again is wrong.
Thank you all so much for your answers
Jillann: sorry, I did not mean to ignore you, but we cross-posted! And... thank you for sharing that! So maybe, wanting to have a connection really IS fine. Maybe. I will try to actually ask my T, but... the shame is going to be a bit excruciating, and the last time I try talking about this specific subject is also when I think I dissociated, just a bit, so I am a bit scared of going there again. Thank you.
So quick update, as I don't want to completely invade the forum...
My T did not kill me/hate/decide I had to go away! She did not think (well, she said she did not think) I am a monster! How awesome is that?
She almost managed to "un-freak me out"! And said that it was fine, it was part of me, and wanting some form of attachment was very normal, and that freaking out did not make it go away, only made it painful and shameful which actually did not make it any less present, on the contrary. And that shoes were very fine and she hoped I would wear them, because it would be good to not live in shame for feeling some attachment
Like... she doesn't think I am a monster
How unexpected is that!
As you can see, I am still trying to make sense of it, and see how this is possible! I mean... every single time, before the session, I am so sure she will just get tired of me, boring, monster me. And... she doesn't. It is so... unexpected.
Thank you all!
My T did not kill me/hate/decide I had to go away! She did not think (well, she said she did not think) I am a monster! How awesome is that?
She almost managed to "un-freak me out"! And said that it was fine, it was part of me, and wanting some form of attachment was very normal, and that freaking out did not make it go away, only made it painful and shameful which actually did not make it any less present, on the contrary. And that shoes were very fine and she hoped I would wear them, because it would be good to not live in shame for feeling some attachment
Like... she doesn't think I am a monster
How unexpected is that!
As you can see, I am still trying to make sense of it, and see how this is possible! I mean... every single time, before the session, I am so sure she will just get tired of me, boring, monster me. And... she doesn't. It is so... unexpected.
Thank you all!
Your T sounds AMAZING!!!!!!!
Everything she said and everything you took from her words are wonderful and really show a level of compassion that you have found for yourself in this situation. Give yourself a big high five, pat on the back, and hug from me, because I am so excited for you just to see how much your perspective has shifted!!!
Now, about those shoes causing so much discomfort . . . they're not heels or anything, because then I could see how the discomfort was warranted
.
Wear them, enjoy the moment, and thank you for sharing such a positive voice here
Everything she said and everything you took from her words are wonderful and really show a level of compassion that you have found for yourself in this situation. Give yourself a big high five, pat on the back, and hug from me, because I am so excited for you just to see how much your perspective has shifted!!!
Now, about those shoes causing so much discomfort . . . they're not heels or anything, because then I could see how the discomfort was warranted
. Wear them, enjoy the moment, and thank you for sharing such a positive voice here
whoo hoo!!!! That's awesome news
Oh About- I'm truly so happy for you. Yay T and yay About for facing it and talking about it with her
Jillann
Jillann
I would totally buy my psychiatrists shoes if he wasnt a guy. I have thought about that several times when I have seen him. Instead I have bought shoes like his for my son, because then when I am getting my son dressed I still see them and still have that connection to him. I was even doing this during the two and a half years that I was not seeing him. He just agreed to take me back as a patient on Tuesday, but on a trial basis.
There were times that I felt guilty about doing this or shame but the need for connection always won out over this, especially during the time I wasn't seeing him. And I have done things way worse to get the connection to him, and he did not stop seeing me over those things. When I was 18 years old I tattooed his name on my leg and he even knew it was about the connection and transference. He made me talk about it in session but he didn't dump me as a patient. I am sure he thought I was crazy...but that just proved even more reason why I needed to see him.
Several years down the road to make him happy I did a cover up on that tattoo and he and I came an agreement on how to do it where I will always have a connection to him. We changed his name Sean to Serene for the Serenity Prayer and below that we put a father lion and a lion cub representing him and me. He has many times talked about the therapy relationship being a lion and cub relationship. And how the lion protects the cub when needed but also pushes the cub to grow up when needed. So I have that forever to be connected to him.
But even with that I still get the urges to find other ways to connect with him and feel closer. I am glad that yours responded so well to your need for it. Most of therapists and psychiatrist understand the need.
There were times that I felt guilty about doing this or shame but the need for connection always won out over this, especially during the time I wasn't seeing him. And I have done things way worse to get the connection to him, and he did not stop seeing me over those things. When I was 18 years old I tattooed his name on my leg and he even knew it was about the connection and transference. He made me talk about it in session but he didn't dump me as a patient. I am sure he thought I was crazy...but that just proved even more reason why I needed to see him.
Several years down the road to make him happy I did a cover up on that tattoo and he and I came an agreement on how to do it where I will always have a connection to him. We changed his name Sean to Serene for the Serenity Prayer and below that we put a father lion and a lion cub representing him and me. He has many times talked about the therapy relationship being a lion and cub relationship. And how the lion protects the cub when needed but also pushes the cub to grow up when needed. So I have that forever to be connected to him.
But even with that I still get the urges to find other ways to connect with him and feel closer. I am glad that yours responded so well to your need for it. Most of therapists and psychiatrist understand the need.
Yay About! That is great you have courage to talk to your T about it.
Lost
Lost
quote:Your T sounds AMAZING!!!!!!!
My T is totally amazing! (and I will have to leave her... *you can picture my heart broken in 20 million pieces here, because I finally trust someone, and I have to go, and... I guess I must.)
Thank you for all your answers, and sharing your experience! I feel less "abnormal" apparently ^^
About-
Awesome that you were able to talk to T about the shoes!
I don't want to hijack your post...I just wanted to update you all...I said in my earlier post that I bought a sweater dress similar to the one I saw former T wear once...
Well, I went to her FB page and her most recent pic is of her in that dress!
weird...
I needed my attachment fix this week.
Awesome that you were able to talk to T about the shoes!
I don't want to hijack your post...I just wanted to update you all...I said in my earlier post that I bought a sweater dress similar to the one I saw former T wear once...
Well, I went to her FB page and her most recent pic is of her in that dress!
weird...
I needed my attachment fix this week.
Good you could get your fix Athenacus.
I saw another "piece" of her clothes online. I was not looking for it. It is there. I have not ordered it. Hopefully I won't. I hate myself so much it hurts. Can't it ever stop? I can't do that, over, and over again. I am tired. Why am I always bad? Why does the evil always come back? I can't stop the thoughts. I am so anxious she will disappear. I guess it is unhealthy. Does it mean she must disappear?
I want that new object. But I won't buy it. I still haven't exactly forgiven myself for the shoes.
But I am quite sure that, when I leave the country and my T, then, I will buy it, because then, I will have lost her any way.
Do not lead us into temptation, but deliver us from evil.
Why do I keep wanting bad things? I just want the pain to stop, but it always comes back.
I saw another "piece" of her clothes online. I was not looking for it. It is there. I have not ordered it. Hopefully I won't. I hate myself so much it hurts. Can't it ever stop? I can't do that, over, and over again. I am tired. Why am I always bad? Why does the evil always come back? I can't stop the thoughts. I am so anxious she will disappear. I guess it is unhealthy. Does it mean she must disappear?
I want that new object. But I won't buy it. I still haven't exactly forgiven myself for the shoes.
But I am quite sure that, when I leave the country and my T, then, I will buy it, because then, I will have lost her any way.
Do not lead us into temptation, but deliver us from evil.
Why do I keep wanting bad things? I just want the pain to stop, but it always comes back.
About-
I don't think you are bad nor evil.
I'm not sure what else I can say that will help you.
I don't think you are bad nor evil.
I'm not sure what else I can say that will help you.
I don't think you're evil, I think you're very conflicted.
Could you try something? Find the part of yourself that thinks what you are doing is evil. Imagine putting it off to one side of you. Then ask yourself, why would this part of me think I'm evil? Did someone in my past tell me I was bad? Treat me like I was evil? See if you can understand where that thought is coming from.
Now take the part of you that wants to buy clothes like your T, and put it off to another side. Ask yourself, why would this part of me want to do that? Is it trying to feel connected? Is it afraid of losing her? Is this a way of hanging on?
See if you can accept both of the parts. They may disagree with each other, but I think they both have a reason for their point of view.
Could you try something? Find the part of yourself that thinks what you are doing is evil. Imagine putting it off to one side of you. Then ask yourself, why would this part of me think I'm evil? Did someone in my past tell me I was bad? Treat me like I was evil? See if you can understand where that thought is coming from.
Now take the part of you that wants to buy clothes like your T, and put it off to another side. Ask yourself, why would this part of me want to do that? Is it trying to feel connected? Is it afraid of losing her? Is this a way of hanging on?
See if you can accept both of the parts. They may disagree with each other, but I think they both have a reason for their point of view.
Thank you Athenacus, your words and presence is helpful: my evilness has not made you run away, it is already quite good!
BLT: you are probably onto something, and less overwhelmed by the bad feelings than I am. I physically feel too much, I should hide, I feel I am too much, all this evilness, I wish I could be erased... Which are not very insightful.
Evil: Of course I am evil, I want to keep people from disappearing. I should just be rational about it, and accept it. Otherwise, I am... bad. Trapping people. Pathological. Selfish. I heard this from my mother, a lot. About me trying to "keep" her. And also about her describing others, others who would buy the same clothing items as teachers or therapists. It was always the crazy ones, she was scared of them (she is a teacher), she saw them as dangerous, and bad, because they chose to do so, and to take something away from her, her freedom (I don't know how exactly), and they knew it. I do. I know it.
The other part: yes, I want her to be there. She is not. Can I recreate bits of her by buying the clothing items looking similar? To make her be there, just a bit.
Being gone for 3 weeks, back for one, and gone again for 2 weeks just triggered my "she will be gone feelings". And she will, I am supposed to leave the country in just a few months. And I am so terrified about it. I know, it is okay, it is just normal to lose people. I am just so scared/sad. Once she will be gone, I will probably want to buy all those items anyway, because it will be the best I can have...
I am sorry I post so much about it. I hate this sort of "dependency", I feel I am doing something wrong and should prevent myself from having those feelings.I am sorry, tell me when you are tired of me?
BLT: you are probably onto something, and less overwhelmed by the bad feelings than I am. I physically feel too much, I should hide, I feel I am too much, all this evilness, I wish I could be erased... Which are not very insightful.
Evil: Of course I am evil, I want to keep people from disappearing. I should just be rational about it, and accept it. Otherwise, I am... bad. Trapping people. Pathological. Selfish. I heard this from my mother, a lot. About me trying to "keep" her. And also about her describing others, others who would buy the same clothing items as teachers or therapists. It was always the crazy ones, she was scared of them (she is a teacher), she saw them as dangerous, and bad, because they chose to do so, and to take something away from her, her freedom (I don't know how exactly), and they knew it. I do. I know it.
The other part: yes, I want her to be there. She is not. Can I recreate bits of her by buying the clothing items looking similar? To make her be there, just a bit.
Being gone for 3 weeks, back for one, and gone again for 2 weeks just triggered my "she will be gone feelings". And she will, I am supposed to leave the country in just a few months. And I am so terrified about it. I know, it is okay, it is just normal to lose people. I am just so scared/sad. Once she will be gone, I will probably want to buy all those items anyway, because it will be the best I can have...
I am sorry I post so much about it. I hate this sort of "dependency", I feel I am doing something wrong and should prevent myself from having those feelings.I am sorry, tell me when you are tired of me?
((((about))))
I'm so sorry for your pain
I don't think you are evil at all. I think a lot of people (including myself) replay those messages when triggered/afraid/overwhelmed because they were heard SO much in the developmental years.
But they are only old messages. You aren't doing anything wrong by posting and connecting with others and reaching out, or having any of the feelings you have. Sending you hugs and support
I'm so sorry for your pain
I don't think you are evil at all. I think a lot of people (including myself) replay those messages when triggered/afraid/overwhelmed because they were heard SO much in the developmental years.But they are only old messages. You aren't doing anything wrong by posting and connecting with others and reaching out, or having any of the feelings you have. Sending you hugs and support
(I did it again. I looked up her professional website. She had said I was allowed to. And I saved the picture.)
Then I know I told her during last session, but I got scared and I don't know what she replied.
(and then she left a voicemail. And ....... I saved it)
(Because of course I want to save everything, everything I can, I don't want her to disappear).
I feel like I had sinned, she had forgiven it, and instead of being good, I just used that to be worse.
I don't know how to deal with that. I just don't. (i want to disappear, not be dead, just disappear, stop being bad, all the time, stop endangering the relationship by being evil)
Then I know I told her during last session, but I got scared and I don't know what she replied.
(and then she left a voicemail. And ....... I saved it)
(Because of course I want to save everything, everything I can, I don't want her to disappear).
I feel like I had sinned, she had forgiven it, and instead of being good, I just used that to be worse.
I don't know how to deal with that. I just don't. (i want to disappear, not be dead, just disappear, stop being bad, all the time, stop endangering the relationship by being evil)
About,
You don't sound evil at all to me. You sound like a person in pain from deep wounds around a lack of proper attachment to caregivers in your childhood.
Please forgive me if I am way off but I identify closely to your thoughts and actions. I don't feel evil though, I feel pain, dissapointment, and anger that I didn't get raised in a family that was able to protect me and make it safe to love and depend on them.
Please try to be kind to yourself as much as possible. Trying to deal with a deep pain does not make you evil, it makes you brave.
You don't sound evil at all to me. You sound like a person in pain from deep wounds around a lack of proper attachment to caregivers in your childhood.
Please forgive me if I am way off but I identify closely to your thoughts and actions. I don't feel evil though, I feel pain, dissapointment, and anger that I didn't get raised in a family that was able to protect me and make it safe to love and depend on them.
Please try to be kind to yourself as much as possible. Trying to deal with a deep pain does not make you evil, it makes you brave.
About,
You are trying to keep yourself alive and a little more okay. You are not stealing anything from your T.
I've just made a picture of the office of my T, from the outside, through the window. My T is suddenly absent due to a complicated pregnancy. I am trying my best to keep our connection going.
Is is weird to traips around that officebuilding and take a picture from the outside in? Sure. But is it bad? No way.
I'm trying to keep my connection and myself alive, and if I'll ever see her again, I will tell her. And I know she will smile at me and say how sorry she is that there wasn't another way for me at that time, to keep the connection going. And I think she might even compliment me on all the hard work I'm doing, even including taking pictures of boring officebuildings.
love!
You are trying to keep yourself alive and a little more okay. You are not stealing anything from your T.
I've just made a picture of the office of my T, from the outside, through the window. My T is suddenly absent due to a complicated pregnancy. I am trying my best to keep our connection going.
Is is weird to traips around that officebuilding and take a picture from the outside in? Sure. But is it bad? No way.
I'm trying to keep my connection and myself alive, and if I'll ever see her again, I will tell her. And I know she will smile at me and say how sorry she is that there wasn't another way for me at that time, to keep the connection going. And I think she might even compliment me on all the hard work I'm doing, even including taking pictures of boring officebuildings.
love!
Thank you for answering me. My relationship with the very concept of care is so upside-down, and I feel I always trip on the same thing.
Elsewhere: it is so interesting to think that... keeping the connection is not necessarily bad. It's like a revolutionary concept. That I cannot use, but just realizing that it is a possible way to see it is already revolutionary.
River: you identify the feelings very well. I am sorry you know that so well.
I just.... don't see how to make it stop hurting. I mean, where does it stop? I'll always want one more voicemail, one more... So how is it not bad to give into the need of the first one? It's opening the door of needing things?
I was reading this blog
And it is so scary. Because I know that those 'needs' won't be fulfilled. I know it will hurt. Then I don't want to have them. Ignoring them got me that far... (mmm.. not convincing, I know.) I don't want to hurt, and feel guilty for hurting, for trying to not hurt.
Thank you for not leaving me all alone.
Elsewhere: it is so interesting to think that... keeping the connection is not necessarily bad. It's like a revolutionary concept. That I cannot use, but just realizing that it is a possible way to see it is already revolutionary.
River: you identify the feelings very well. I am sorry you know that so well.
I just.... don't see how to make it stop hurting. I mean, where does it stop? I'll always want one more voicemail, one more... So how is it not bad to give into the need of the first one? It's opening the door of needing things?
I was reading this blog
quote:So the two go through their dance. The therapist’s humanness and real presence give the child hope and bring out young wishes and needs. On the other hand when they do come out, it is painful because they are not fulfilled. Hopefully the therapist understands this pain and, by being an empathic witness, helps it to heal. On the other hand, as the process goes on, the wishes are more and more obviously young ones. It is characteristic of childhood wishes that they don’t have limits. As they intensify, they become less realistic, less adult and more insistent. This may be embarrassing, even cause for feelings of shame, but it is exactly what has to happen. As the wishes become more intense, the frustration with the therapist for responding only with understanding becomes more sharply painful. The anger, hurt and sadness are very real.
By putting off fulfillment to the future, the child was able to maintain hope and avoid the painful feelings. That is not so bad, since there was no way the feelings could be attended to back then. What the therapy has done is to force those long-avoided feelings out of hiding. Finally the situation from long ago has been recreated in the present and the feelings are palpably real.
And it is so scary. Because I know that those 'needs' won't be fulfilled. I know it will hurt. Then I don't want to have them. Ignoring them got me that far... (mmm.. not convincing, I know.) I don't want to hurt, and feel guilty for hurting, for trying to not hurt.
Thank you for not leaving me all alone.
Ahah, fun part, I apparently dissociate (midly) every time I mention this topic.... which makes it sooo much easier to broach....