The relationship with my mother I can best describe as EMOTIONAL RAPE. She invaded me emotionally, she took from me, all I had, and left me depleted, alone and afraid. Her love was when SHE needed it, never when I needed it. She would be physically abusive or shut me in a cupboard and hold the door shut with her foot; even the I'd be crying out in fear that I couldn't breathe. Then - when SHE - felt bad about it, would break down, open the door, cry and ask for forgiveness.
I would end up having comforting her, for HER pain and regret ;(
So I not only fear REJECTION from my T (ie her feeling too far away from me emotionally) I really really fear her moving too CLOSE. Things that are too intimate to even contemplate: any eye contact with her; talking on the phone; knowing ANYTHING about her personal life - honestly all I do know is her name, her qualifications, her 2 jobs and where they are located. Not a single thing otherwise and I need (!!!!) it to stay that way.
(Reading other posts on here I know I'm not alone in how horrifying it would be to run into her outside the rooms - find out at the same time she has a family of her own - a significant other / lover, or worse - that she has young daughters
).It's been about a month ago since I've bought it up transference issue with her, and as scary as hell as it is, it also gives me hope that I might be able to work through it with her.
But lately, I am wanting more from her. It's becoming impossible to ignore my feeling of waning to know she does actually CARE. It's raw and painful to be forced to accept the limitations of our relationship - once a week session, an email or two in between (which she might take a couple of days to reply too).
It's hard to not feel she doesn't give a shit because she isn't taking my pain AWAY.
Last night I was in agony, sobbing my heart out, lying on the floor of my bathroom, door shut, lights off, knowing that she as somewhere on the other side of town oblivious to my suffering - That no matter how much pain or suffering I am going through, it has no impact on her wider life
I've processed a lot of it since last night.
Today I feel more in a place of trying to work out HOW I go about asking her for something - for some form of tiny comfort from her, something she will be able to give me, within the boundaries of our relationship.
That I am even THIKNING of it is MASSIVE for me!!!
I nee some ideas, support and understanding to help me work towards raising it with her this coming week.
I'm so afraid her answer will be no, to whatever I ask for
But my need - as well as a tiny seed of trust that she does care, and if she said no it would be due to good reasons (
?????) and not cos she hates me ????)What I'd like from her
??? a piece of paper with her handwriting on it -at our first app months ago she had given me a piece of paper with our next app time on it, with her name on it - I carried that with me like treasure for months (until it disintegrated
). I even slept with it under my pillow. ??? To take with me to a session, a small painted stone, have her hold it for the hour, and return it to me, warm. Oh how much I'd want that. How precious that token would feel and how much COMFORT it would bring
FEARS
*** she will say no. That I will find out where our boundary is. That she won't want to 'encourage' me to seek any comfort from her, and asking for it crosses the line. I'd feel so damn rejected, I don't knows if I'd cope or survive it
*** she will think - KNOW - how pathetic I am. Pretty pathetic, how such a small thing could mean so much to me - what a loser.
*** that it will open a can of worms of my wanting, needing, aching and yearning for MORE comfort from her - and of course, it can't / won't / shouldn't happen - I don't at the movement aa yeah, ache or yearn for her to 'be a mother to me'. My aching is limited to wanting to feel she cares. But if she gives me a little, I really fear my aching heart broken inner child will want more and more. And FARK being in that level of need.
