Mayflower
sorry, had to delete
Mayflower
Mayflower
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Mayflower thank you for posting and telling us how things are going.
I look back and also see that I have collected mother figures in my life = a normal responce to needing one if our own mother was not there.
And my first T was a woman who has always been a bit like a mom to me. She was amazing. She treated me like a person, not a client number
So I think if you disclose this to your T she will not only understand but it will be helpful to you both to understand some of your inner dynamics. I suspect she knows all this anyway, it will have become apparent to her maybe at some level.
Also with regards self disclosure by therapists - if it is helpful to you or in your best interests, then it is a good thing. IF it is because they simply want to use you as a listening ear - then not good. but I was not in the room so can not tell if she was self disclosing about her mom etc in an attempt to help you feel at ease or feel able to open up more yourself. You could ask her.
I did not find your post way too long, many people here post very long posts indeed, and I post at length sometimes too - we can choose to skim or take the time to read carefully, it is just helpful if you feel you have written what you need to write.
Thanks for your post. Very thoughtful and though provoking questions.
And the number one rule is TELL the T, what you feel, think, etc.
I look back and also see that I have collected mother figures in my life = a normal responce to needing one if our own mother was not there.
And my first T was a woman who has always been a bit like a mom to me. She was amazing. She treated me like a person, not a client number
So I think if you disclose this to your T she will not only understand but it will be helpful to you both to understand some of your inner dynamics. I suspect she knows all this anyway, it will have become apparent to her maybe at some level.
Also with regards self disclosure by therapists - if it is helpful to you or in your best interests, then it is a good thing. IF it is because they simply want to use you as a listening ear - then not good. but I was not in the room so can not tell if she was self disclosing about her mom etc in an attempt to help you feel at ease or feel able to open up more yourself. You could ask her.
I did not find your post way too long, many people here post very long posts indeed, and I post at length sometimes too - we can choose to skim or take the time to read carefully, it is just helpful if you feel you have written what you need to write.
Thanks for your post. Very thoughtful and though provoking questions.
And the number one rule is TELL the T, what you feel, think, etc.
Mayflower, just want to agree with everything Sadly just said.
What you're experiencing sounds like what I do, except with father figures. I'm coming around to accepting it as normal just now, at 30-years-old, and I've been aware of doing it since 10-years-old. I don't do it with women, because I do negative transference toward them instead.
I would be that if you're aware of projecting this role onto her, she has at least sensed it. I have had a very positive experience disclosing my transference to T and it has actually opened up talking about stuff that I haven't known if/how to bring up yet. It was such a non-issue for him, other than making him understand me better and be able to respond in ways that were more encouraging and less distressing. Yes, it's difficult, because they are offering healing of the original wound rather than a replacement parent, but really no one could fulfill that role while the injury remains ignored and untreated.
And, I agree again, regarding the disclosure. My T has told me things about his life and what is going on with him, but usually just to the point of showing me he's a human, a regular guy. It never seems like his goal is to receive anything from me, although he seems to appreciate that I care.
The very best thing is to talk to T about everything. It's sometimes feels like pulling off a bandaid very slowly, but the more you honestly identify yourself, the more they will "get" how to work with you and create that safe space for you.
And regarding length, your post is like a footnote compared to some of mine. Luckily online, people can choose to pursue/read when they have time to do so.
What you're experiencing sounds like what I do, except with father figures. I'm coming around to accepting it as normal just now, at 30-years-old, and I've been aware of doing it since 10-years-old. I don't do it with women, because I do negative transference toward them instead.
I would be that if you're aware of projecting this role onto her, she has at least sensed it. I have had a very positive experience disclosing my transference to T and it has actually opened up talking about stuff that I haven't known if/how to bring up yet. It was such a non-issue for him, other than making him understand me better and be able to respond in ways that were more encouraging and less distressing. Yes, it's difficult, because they are offering healing of the original wound rather than a replacement parent, but really no one could fulfill that role while the injury remains ignored and untreated.
And, I agree again, regarding the disclosure. My T has told me things about his life and what is going on with him, but usually just to the point of showing me he's a human, a regular guy. It never seems like his goal is to receive anything from me, although he seems to appreciate that I care.
The very best thing is to talk to T about everything. It's sometimes feels like pulling off a bandaid very slowly, but the more you honestly identify yourself, the more they will "get" how to work with you and create that safe space for you.
And regarding length, your post is like a footnote compared to some of mine. Luckily online, people can choose to pursue/read when they have time to do so.
Dear Sadly and Yakusoku, thank you for your kind replies. Of course you are both right in that my T has probably sensed that I see her as a mother figure. She once said that she couldn't be my mother, but I can't remember how that came up.
I agree with you that self disclosure can be a good thing because it makes the T more human. I really appreciate it when she does selfdisclose. However, this instance left me feeling so confused and drained that I'm not sure what to do. Obviously, I should discuss it with her, but as said, I worry that that will only increase the distance between us on an emotional level.
I am just confused. Of course you are right in that I should be as open as possible because that would make the healing process easier, but it would make me feel so small and humiliated. Is she the right T for me if I look up to her so much that I don't dare be myself in her presence? Isn't the whole purpose that I should feel safe enough to feel I could say anything?
Oh, and thanks for the comments regarding the length of my post ;-)
May
I agree with you that self disclosure can be a good thing because it makes the T more human. I really appreciate it when she does selfdisclose. However, this instance left me feeling so confused and drained that I'm not sure what to do. Obviously, I should discuss it with her, but as said, I worry that that will only increase the distance between us on an emotional level.
I am just confused. Of course you are right in that I should be as open as possible because that would make the healing process easier, but it would make me feel so small and humiliated. Is she the right T for me if I look up to her so much that I don't dare be myself in her presence? Isn't the whole purpose that I should feel safe enough to feel I could say anything?
Oh, and thanks for the comments regarding the length of my post ;-)
May
quote:Is she the right T for me if I look up to her so much that I don't dare be myself in her presence? Isn't the whole purpose that I should feel safe enough to feel I could say anything?
I still find it hard to be open about some things - I think we take a long time to really open up and some things will take a while no matter how good the T is. WE can only go at the pace we feel comfortable at and all that.
I feel safe with my P but somethings are just so hard to say, so hard to have known, so hard to bring out of the dark in my mind and into the light of being seen and heard. I wish you luck with it all. My only way through is keep talking and being honest and feeling and being kind to myself in this awfully painful journey.