Before session today, i had two glass of read- wine!! I was so anxious before the session, and i was sitting on a cafe for 3 hour waiting for the session. A guy wantet to offor me wine, and i accepted it and drank it. And i LIKED the thought of just loose the controll a little bit. I forgot (or, i dint care) that i had not eaten, so i become more or less drunk. Then i had to go to the session. When i stod up to go for the session, and walked the 5 minuts it took me to get there, i realized i was actally a bit drunk, and i dint even bother it then, and T didnt realize it at once, and asked me to wait in the waiting room for about 3 minuts. I hardly managed to sit still normally, and started do wash up some dirt on the floor there, from my shoes. (its winter and a lot of dirt in the streets here, that i had carried with me) When he asked me to come in, I immidiatly told T, that i felt drunk, and i crashed down on the diva and asked if i had to go. T said he wanted me to stay and started asking how much i had to drink. I told him what happened with the boy on the cafe and all that stuff. Iam typing this because i wonder if anyone else have ever done anything similar to this? And how did your T react? (btw: i have NEVER done this before! ) this, because, despite how much conflicting feelings and shame i feel about this; It was BREAKTRHOUG of a session in a way. It was a good, productive session, I managed to talk alot and was open and T was more then ever both active and supportive.(He acted as if i wasnt drunk, and took me so seriously!) I told him all about the needle stuff (another thread) and T wasnt at all angry with me. I kept asking if i should go, but he said he wanted me to stay. And i am SO GLAD he did. I asked him about his boundaries- why he always accepted me- and that i wanted to know exactly what hes boundareis was, hence to why i felt like i had to test his boundaries.. I asked what i had to do, in order to breake the boundaries and be thrown out.. T hesitated a bit, but said that he wouldnt accept it, if i started beating him up (lol) or started to send him text-messages every 5. minuts during nights with attacking content... Or if i brough with me a gun. lol. We laughed a bit about it, and i asked him to answer me seriously- since this all sounded surreal that i would do.. Anyway: It helped me so much to hear him say this. As i undersood that, even my (drunk) appearance that session, was ok. That i am still no way near to ruin the realtionship. That he REALLY accept me as a patient no matter what. I dont know why i am doing this "tesing" (testing his boundaries and good-will, as if i want him to be angry at me, and punishing me??!Does that even make sense?) now, after 2 years with him i should feel safe enough and trust him enoguh i guess, yet i keep tesing him. I think telling him about the sh and the needle stuff last session also was a part of this "testing-thing"... He toold me though, that he wasnt angry at me at all that session, but that he did became worried and wanted me to know that he didnt wanted me to do it (sh), and that he had non-toleranse(?) for abusing syringe/needle, as he had so meny bad experience with patiens using it. He aslo "admitted" that since i am so young (and un-experiences with this) he thought i maybe wasnt aware of the risks regarding to it. And that he wanted me to start expressing myself and talk, instead of hurting myself, and that he maybe should have asked me what triggered the sh.(like i told him he should have done) Oh-gosh this is a messy rambling post. Sorry. I guess what i am asking is, if anyone have done this "testing" of boundaries before? And what does it mean? Because T asked me, or rahter assumed, that i maybe feel more secure having a "angry" reaction - because its a familiar one(?) instead of a empathic one.. i didnt know what to answer that.. I guess,- yes?

ANYWAY: T seem to accept me no matter what i do, and i am obviously trying to test him all the time now, (hence to why i also came drunk today) just in order to see if he could tolerate that as well. He did. i feel so greatful and glad, but still so full of mixed feelings. - Partly shameful for these upcomming STRONG rebellious impulses- and striked by the the "power" of them, too.... I dont know if this makes sense. i guess i am both glad and confused at once. Thanks for listening. It feels very risky posting about this..

***if i delete this, its because i am gonna regret it posting this and get too emberrassed about it! Just in case!