Hi, welcome to the board.

I think if he knew for certain it was you (beyond any doubt) he may mention it, or refer you elsewhere.

The best thing to do in my opinion is to bring it up. What's hard about bringing it up is there has to be a genuine desire to do so. Some people here, and I'm sure everywhere, stalk their Ts or have special/secret access to their Ts somehow and do not want to give it up so don't bring it up. Even driving by their home, or relentlessly lookin them up online is too much to handle talking about it. So, know that I suggest talking to him but know it is next to impossible. It's your own personal judgement on whether its okay to continue.

It was very brave of you to share this here; I hope you can find some resolution and work through what you feel you can right now.

Thank you for the very thoughtful and honest responses. I was so afraid I'd be met with scorn for such behavior. It is comforting to know that at least others may be tempted to do something similar. I realized I had gone too far with the intimate exchanges...I felt very very guilty since I immediately knew I'd violated him in some way. Just getting to see a little of who he really is as a person felt a weird because as you said, it is totally one sides dual relationship. He thinks its someone else. Of course it made me like him more which is not helping me. i was hoping in a way he'd end up being a jerk and my feeling for hom would diminish...no such luck.

I think the odds he'd be able to identify its me is slim to none (unless I did something careless that I'm not aware of). The idea of anonymously informing him that a patient is stalking him online is a good idea. I'm not sure I could go about it the right way.

He is actually my pdoc who i see for therapy as well ( my female t just left before this started). I suppose that might be the catalyst. She knew I had feelings for him and encouraged me to bring them with him. She assured me it would be fine but I was a coward. So this must be my dysfunctional way if addressing it. I'm not one for talk therapy as many issues, except for this, have been talked about for a long time. Just for some more insight into me- I'm a mother of 3 kids, one who is autistic. I also have a job and go to school for a masters. So I am pretty high functioning except for this new dark side. Very out of character for me actually. It's almost like reliving adolescence and all the melodrama that goes with it. I don't think I'd go through with the anonymous admission, I think I'd feel guilty that he'd be blaming the wrong person. But if he knows Its me he could be so angry that I'm afraid he'd terminate me. Of course maybe he should. We have an excellent rapport-he has been a great help and life coach to me, especially with my marital problems. I would miss him terribly if I could not see him anymore. I would probably abandon treatment altogether...

quote:

how IS this stalking and getting personal responses affecting your therapy?

I think this is the most important question to ask yourself.

It's very scary to feel like the consequence of telling something may be that we are terminated (or to related it to childhood: abandoned, punished, misunderstood). If you did have feelings for him prior to this that haven't been addressed.. maybe starting there would be the best place. The stalking and stuff doesn't come up for no reason, there is a lot to process and maybe you can find some way to ease in to it with that admission. I wish I could speak more from experience... I have scarcely looked up my Ts online because I have this haunting sense of impending doom about it. All it did (even just looking up their professional reviews for 30 seconds, or even reading this thread I'm somehow worried my Ts will get this vibe that I'm finding things out about them vicariously LOL - I'm insane..) was strain me and cause anxiety and crying spells. No clue why, but I know I don't discuss THAT in my therapy... and I can't begin to imagine how scary forging these waters would be Like Monte said, a rough ride... but sometimes the roughest things are the most transformative (unfortunately).

Red tomatoes question is a good one...I've only seen him once since I started and I was super anxious, and just tried to rush the session. Since the more intimate exchanges I haven't seen him. My guess is that I'll be more anxious than ever and don't know how Ill handle it. I was thinking of discussing my feelings as a lead in. If he doesn't already know (I'm paranoid so I imagine him decoding my emails and finding where they came from) it may make him suspicious. I was going to ask him to help me work through them..this might just be the right time because catalyst, monte and red tomato,you are all right. With this over my head it will be hard to move forward.

Hi Lola,
Personally I thinkitis quite normal to google your T. Of course setting up a fake personality is a bit more, but I am sure others have done it. When I started with my T I searched her and continued to do so every now and then. I found nothing at first, then one day I found a new business set up in her name. I was at that time seeing her in a hospital clinic, so she was clearly establishing her own practice. This initilly scared me because I thought she must be leaving, but she only works part time so I calmed down.
I said nothing to her, but a couple of months later she told me about her private practice. She said she was about to start advertising and wanted to tell her current patients before they saw it and got worried. I said I know, she was surprised and said why didn't you ask me about it, you must have been worried. She was concerned about me, but not at all concerned that I must have been searching her name!
It would be difficult , but maybe T would not be so surprised if you tell him!

Thank you Starlight. I agree googling your doc or t is normal. I am going beyond that but you're right in that I'm sure others have done it. I put a lot of energy into what I did so if he knew I think he'd be really freaked out. The fact that he is on a dating site so openly tells me he doesn't think his patients are people he needs to be protect himself from. Could be naïveté on his part. Ironically I was pursued on this site (under my own profile a year ago) by a different psychiatrist. he did not post his picture due to his job. He felt that with a large practice that it would be troublesome for him or his patients if any of them found the online profile.
My doc was on the site then as well (as myself). He encouraged me to join as I was separated. He then joined and the site actually matched us up. I looked at his profile but that was all. We never talked about it directly but sometimes it came up indirectly during session- I'd mention my profile and he'd tell me it's good to just add something...mostly about my experiences, not anything about him. but it was clear that he trusted me. Of course that makes me feel worse. I betrayed that in a sense. It's so needlessly complicated! If I had brought it up when I first saw him online as myself, this would probably never have happened. But some friends told me not to say anything because it might embarrass him!

Hi Lola,
It seems to me that if you T actually encouraged you to join the site and later jopined hiomself, he was well aware that you were likely to see his profile. I would find it very hard to resist doing the same thing as you in the circumstances. I think he definatly put temptation in your way and would have to accept some responsibility himself for your subsequent actions!

((Lola))

My T uses dating sites too; and in fact it was she who suggested I give it a try after separating from my W some months ago.

Of course I found my T's profiles on 2 sites and got to know a lot about her likes and dislikes; and the sort of man she'd like to meet - most of the criteria I met by the way, which made my attachment to her even worse!!

She knew I'd viewed her profile by using the 'who's viewed me' option, and also by the fact that she was the one who'd taken all of my profile photo's for me, including the one of me sitting on her couch!!

I told her I'd read her profiles and she jokingly suggested I should have sent her a message I'll admit I WAS tempted but I thought better of it.

I've always been upfront with T when it comes to her various internet activities; I read her blog avidly and visit her pinterest pages etc.

quote:

It's so needlessly complicated! If I had brought it up when I first saw him online as myself, this would probably never have happened. But some friends told me not to say anything because it might embarrass him!

I'm inclined to agree you here, Lola. I'm glad I was honest with T right from the beginning when I found her profiles.

AV.

If you feel this would keep you from working with him in an honest fashion, tell him.

If you feel you can reign this in and stop...so it won't hurt the therapy...then just make an agreement, within yourself, to not continue in doing these things. The momentary gain is not worth the long term risk.

Welcome to the boards...you are brave to ask for help with this

T.

My t has very little Internet presence, in fact I think she hates computers. Her children and other family members are on FB and when I am really disperate I will stalk them. Occasionally I have even found pictures, and once an extremely brief video. That bit of discovery, a peek into her real life, at first is a huge high but every time I almost immediately feel awful. Not guilty but so terribly sad and jealous of her family and friends. It is not worth it. Feeling that bad over a very brief high. I have gotten better at resisting the urge to do this type of stuff, I haven't driven past her house in years, but I know that if given the opportunity to have access to that much information about T on a dating site, i wouldn't be able to resist.

So far I haven't told t about any of this cyber stalking but she has been in practice so long I doubt she would be surprised. But it is like a bad drug for me, I know I have to resist it. It doesn't do anything but hurt me.

Your T is playing fast and loose with his personal information. It doesn't seem wise for a T, especially one that does attachment/transference work. If you feel the need to fess up, do it. And if he gets mad ask him why in the hell did he do something so foolish in the first place. Being a t is a hard job and it includes being careful about what you put out there. It sucks but that is the reality of it.

One time my T called me by accident and did not know. At first I said "Hello, Hello.." but she did not answer. Then I heard her talking to someone else. I KNOW I should have hung up but I was so curious. I figured out that she was with her husband and another couple just chatting. I learned some strange things. I learned that her daughter is bi-polar and her cat's name and that her husband (who is a psychologist that shares an office space with her) doesn't plan to work any longer than he needs to. (that worried me) I figured if he retires she will too. They are in their 60s. I did tell her about hearing her talk and she didn't seem to care. I asked her if her cat's name was Brucy and she laughed and told me the cat's real name which was close to Brucy. I was surprised that she brushed it off so easily. Did not discuss it with me much at all. I was relieved. It's hard to say how any T will respond to any of this....

I think what Tas said was good. If you can let it go and not do it again perhaps you don't need to tell him. If it bothers you excessively or interferes with your therapy then you may need to speak to him about it. I suspect that he may have had a clue that this could have been a client contacting him. As someone else suggested he is being pretty loose with his info online given that he is a therapist.

It is hard to not want to know more about your T. I mean we get so close to them and know so little about them usually. It's natural to have a great curiousity about their lives. The internet has made it way too easy. It's something that I believe a lot of clients struggle with.

(edited grammar- bad grammar. lol)

I think it's quite normal, too, for people to look up people online - and everyone does that with virtually everyone.

A lot of people say 'Well if the information is out there too bad' and I agree with that also. When trash is put out to the curb in some places it's no longer your "property" because it's off your house on the public curb, or in the public alleyway, and eventually in the public garbage truck, to the public dump etc. That information is available, free, someone's own fault for putting it out there. So, for me personally I see, aside from the social acceptance, absolutely nothing different about online research and physically going through someone's trash. I still look up people online all the time. When I know/love someone unless I'm worried because I haven't heard from them I don't usually look them up online because of that weird creeping 'gonna die' feeling, like I've disrespected them or something. It does nothing to change my view of other people who do the behavior - I'm so weird I don't feel comfortable looking at someone's family photos *when I'm in their HOUSE* unless I ask first (I also ask if it's okay to use the restroom, before I touch absolutely anything or sit anywhere and I don't even feel comfortable in my own home if I live w/ another person and require a sacred space that they never touch, it's a compulsive thing). I feel nothing at all looking up all sorts of other people if I need to for something; sometimes it's quite fun even if I think I'm being creepy LOL who cares.

Turtle: [I think you removed your question, but I'm replying because you asked if looking up a T online was stalking] One of the definitions of stalking is "to pursue or approach stealthily" or "pertaining to the act of pursuing OR harassing" (I consider researching to be pursuing - the definition of that word being to strive for or gain). So yea, it could totally be called stalking. The word has negative connotations attached to it because most stalking we hear about is bad like... someone wants to KILL another person, or a cheetah in the African desert stalking after a zebra, etc. I use the term "I was google stalking ___" all the time. Like if I know weird info about some random subject I've researched I'll say "I got that google stalking". Anyway, it's a form of gaining information - in clinical terms it could be called attachment, or whatever we say around here about approach and connection (those are reasons, not descriptions). It's a matter of de-stigmatizing the word you can use the word "researching" or "studying", right? Those are less 'loaded'. But again it is a COMPLETELY socially acceptable behavior, there are different levels people will go (joining a site, making contact, printing out photos, etc, whatever). It's not a bad thing, it's just a thing the internet has gifted to us all

Hi Cat.

Yeah I removed my question which was along the lines that if you look your T up online and see that they have a family and where they live but do nothing about it is that stalking?
I removed it because I worried that I was hi-jacking the thread.

I looked stalking up too. It seems that it can be a very bad thing depending on the intentions.

1. To walk with a stiff, haughty, or angry gait: stalked off in a huff.
2. To move threateningly or menacingly.
3. To track prey or quarry.
v.tr.
1. To pursue by tracking stealthily.
2. To follow or observe (a person) persistently, especially out of obsession or derangement.
3. To go through (an area) in pursuit of prey or quarry.

Sorry to read it wrong, Turtle. It is all about intention - and what Lola is asking about is normal - hopefully Lola I could normalize things for you with my rambling hang in there my dear!!

I get what you're saying Cat. I guess the word stalking still has some strong meaning to me. But I do get what you're saying. I would not call what I did research or studying. Curiousity? Yes. Do I feel bad about it? no. And I think that's what you're saying. It's human nature.

*sorry, that was useless*

I guess in my mind the word stalking conjures up an image of someone being tormented by another who is acting in a scary manner. But again there may be different levels

I worry that I may have offended you cat with my initial response. I hope not because I didn't intend to. I think I have emotions caught up in it because years ago my former T told me I was harassing her and that was not good. That was some time ago and so I worried that looking my new T up online may be that behavior but in truth I never did anything with it. I have no ill intent and I think like many in the computer internet age this is not considered a nefarious act in and of itself.

Let's face it therapy is an odd relationship and can bring out odd behaviors.

quote:

Originally posted by avoidant:
((Lola))

My T uses dating sites too; and in fact it was she who suggested I give it a try after separating from my W some months ago.

Of course I found my T's profiles on 2 sites and got to know a lot about her likes and dislikes; and the sort of man she'd like to meet - most of the criteria I met by the way, which made my attachment to her even worse!!

She knew I'd viewed her profile by using the 'who's viewed me' option, and also by the fact that she was the one who'd taken all of my profile photo's for me, including the one of me sitting on her couch!!

I told her I'd read her profiles and she jokingly suggested I should have sent her a message I'll admit I WAS tempted but I thought better of it.

I've always been upfront with T when it comes to her various internet activities; I read her blog avidly and visit her pinterest pages etc.

quote:

It's so needlessly complicated! If I had brought it up when I first saw him online as myself, this would probably never have happened. But some friends told me not to say anything because it might embarrass him!

I'm inclined to agree you here, Lola. I'm glad I was honest with T right from the beginning when I found her profiles.

AV.

Thank you for sharing this, it is almost exactly the same situation, except I was never forthcoming about seeing him. But as you and everyone pointed out, since it was his idea for me to sign up and then put himself on the same site, he knew I'd see it and obviously didn't care. The fact that he was matched with me made the attachment much worse as well. I've made so much out of it in my head that it is impossible to guess how it will turn out, so I think the advice to go slow is wise. I don't see him for a couple of weeks, and he hasn't had his office call to cancel or terminate me yet, so I guess that is a good sign. If he doesn't seem to know I may try to put it behind me for now and just stop my internet activity. Luckily aside from the dating site he is fairly low profile online and doesn't do facebook or anything. If I can just bring up my attraction to him, maybe that will get me out of my head/fantasy and into the real world- and actually confronting this behavior. I am afraid I will get more and more attached, jealous and depressed if I don't stop, but it is not easy. I always thought I had such self control. Thank you for the support- I feel so much better now that I know I'm not the only one who does this. This is not the kind of thing you can talk to most people about!

The old T that I harassed I had seen for well over a decade. I came to really depend on her. She quit her practice and said that she would not see me or talk to me again for 2 years. I flipped out. I kept calling her begging her to talk to me. She refused. She then said I was harassing her.

The T i see now. We don't do psychotherapy. We do DBT and my feelings toward her are entirely different. I don't feel so dependent on her. Anyway I guess we all have our way of doing things.

Turtle, termination is what I fear most and I know I'd react by doing the same - calling his office desperate to talk. I can't imagine how hard that would be. I think in a way I hope he'd bring it up so I can admit it but not have to be the one to start a dialogue. then it is in his hands- if he knows its me and wants to address the issue, he will. But If he doesn't know it's me then i wonder if he is happier not to know. sometimes less info is better. I'm mortified at my own behavior and shocked that I went to the lengths I did to decieve him. I still have triuble allowing myself to be seen 100% in session. I want to be seen as a person he likes, not as an unstable patient. It's a part of me I really don't want him (or anyone in my life) to know about.

my first response is to wonder why you started this same thread on another "issue" page. keep in mind i have not read a word here. i'm just wondering..

That was because I initially didn't know if the particular forum (coffee talk) was the appropriate one for this topic, so I started it on another one. Since I've had so much response here I kind left the other alone. Sorry about that.

it's okay, i was just curious. welcome aboard!

Again thank you for this support. I feel more grounded in reality and haven't had any contact. I am in a bit of a panic about my appointment in 2 weeks. I am so tempted to cancel, but need him as a provider. I am afraid I will abandon treatment if I don't continue with him. I will not confess to anything. I will just move forward. Has anyone avoided their T or pdoc because of this? Could avoiding him set off more red flags for him? If he's having a bad day, I'll take it to mean he is angry with me. This is so complicated!

yep, all the above. hang in there, stay true, confront this shit as it comes up, with your T. that's why they're there. confront the shit, it'll make you better.

Keeping my appointment will be the hardest thing for me at this point so thank you for the encouragement closed doors. Once you get this deep into your own head it's tough to differentiate between your own distorted perceptions and the reality.

that is so true! and that is why forums like this are so helpful. keep your appointment, and keep us posted, if you're comfortable doing so. you're doing great work!

((lola)) I do hope you will keep the appointment!! I know they are painfully hard to stick sometimes.

Luckily (I guess) there are certain prescriptions not available for refill, so I must see him monthly or am sorry

Hi all, and thanks again to everyone for being so supportive. I just wanted to update this post as I have been to see my doctor. It was completely uneventful as I chose to go with not raising the issue. His demeanor didn't seem particularly different, just normal. My pdoc is personable enough but very direct, so I'm going with the assumption if he knew it was me 100% and felt it neccessary, he wouldn't hesitate to bring it up. My real email/name wasn't used, so I don't know that he could know for sure. So from here I know the best thing to do is for me to stay focused on my family and real life, not a fantasy one. But I just wish it weren't so hard! Are there strategies anyone uses to help keep obsessive behavior in check (besides meds- I am on adderrall, prozac and xanax as needed)?