i guess that is progress. to actually feel what has always been there, the disconnected, isolated feelings. you're right, bubby does have you with her, so give her mind (((muff)))

Those feelings have always been there to some degree, but the 'flash' feelings were more intense. I think it is what T described as final separation from Ma. FUN!

((muff)) my little one is untangled from Ma but wants T to be the parent. So badly. And she knows she'll get a no which makes it all the worse. So much joy

Ah, no not exactly in my case GE. Not now, because there is more a sense of me as an adult to care for the child. T isn't with me 24/7 so someone has to care for the wee one in that time.

T is there mainly to help me unload this rage within which continues to evoke feelings of the 'alone.' That feels almost like a none existing/depersonalized me; the way bubby feels when Ma disappears for a few moments. Bubs that are loved and treated as an individual, encouraged to stand alone etc get through their separation period unscathed. But us that were continually attached, and had no sense of being, and feeling loved find separation very difficult to tolerate.

I guess it will take a bit more time in this 'alone' to be aware that I do exist as an individual and will not disappear before I can stand alone and feel comfortable in my skin. I will survive the separation. There are a few things going on all at once for brain to process this stuff. I have to look after me, the cats, and the wee one, as well as feel like the child, all at the same time. If that makes sense at all?

Meantime, expressing the agro towards Ma is an ongoing need to accomplish all that.

Yeah, its party time stuff alright. It always
has been.



** Think of repressed anger as a full belly of food that you need to vomit up. We dont want to vomit, but we need to. It doesn't come up all at once usually. In between vomits we feel a little more relieved, until it is all out.**

More food ( anger) is then tolerated by stomach ( brain). There is less nausea (fear) of vomiting (anger) then.

muff - where does the love come from that allows us to stand alone??

I am not sure it is love GE. It is more what our bubby brain learnt to survive no love that keeps us going. She is a remarkable machine our brain, me thinks. That AND icecream~ our brain food.

Self love will come when she is good and ready.

if only i loved myself as much as i loved ice cream. would be the fastest way out of therapy for sure!

Self love ice cream eh? That would be worth patenting. That and snot brew.

hmm perhaps i need to do some TMs!

'K?

trademarks muff. snot brew and self-love ice cream - they will get snapped up once word gets out

'ey, they would at that.