About, I hear you and understand what you're saying. The adult Kid would like to tell the adult About that you do fit in. This place is for everyone...but I still understand.

I didn't know you had a blog. I would be interested in reading it, so will pop by.

I hope you do come back here but only when you feel ready.

Take gentle care of you.

The Kid

Hi About

I am so sorry for how unseen you have felt. How not being responded to makes you feel like you are unworthy of attention or worse, that you intrinsically shouldn't be here.

quote:

Every time, I see people who gets many answer and I don't (or I feel I don't, I am not sure) I just feel it proves I don't deserve attention and I should not exist.

All I can say is I am sure many of us on this forum can very much relate to not feeling seen and responded and how it brings up feelings of our worthiness.

Rationally, I know we all are busy and have our worlds to deal with. That we are preoccupied with our own "stuff" and often just don't have anything more to give, or else, we feel we have nothing or very little to offer (no words of wisdom or sage advice). Because we can't relate we should refrain from saying anything. That we all only have so much time and enough demands as it is, and we can't respond to every plea for support. I get all of that.

I also get that sometimes the topics just don't resonate for many people, while other times the topics are spot on and there is so much to talk about. That is normal and that makes complete sense. Yet, without meaning to offend anyone, especially those who have so caringly and lovingly responded, I also have felt a lot of times as if it is a popularity thing. Some people DO get tons of replies, oftentimes a flurry of them, so much so that it is hard to keep up. Contrast that to other people, though crying out for just somebody to listen and care, get NO or very little response. It is especially hard when people have explicitly said that they are reaching out and in extra need of support at the moment.

It really hurts to feel like you are grasping and groping and to feel like no one could care less. I know for so many of us, the whole being unseen and invisible thing is a huge trigger. For me personally, it sure is.

So what is the answer? I don't know. I do know a while back TN wrote a wonderful challenge called "Imagine" in which she urged us all to take a step and try to be more active. I think many people did respond to that and it has been great to see the involvement and engagement.

I would just say as a final note that most often when people are really hurting, what they most need is not sage wisdom and lots of words. They just need love. They need to know that somebody cares. That someone sees the pain and anguish and is in some small way responding to that pain. They can't fix it but they at least acknowledge it. May we all remember that so much of what we need is just to feel like we are loveable and worthy of love and a little attention.

I love this forum and know it has brought some amazing people into my life. Forgive me if I have offended anyone.

Also, I just noticed the link to your blog at the bottom of your post. Well, duh.

So sorry about that.

Please, I hope you decide to stay.

The Kid

(((About))) (((Amber))) (((The Kid)))

Sometimes I do not have time to write or cannot think of much to say, and then I am occasionally hesitant to just offer a brief sentence or a hug, because it seems so inadequate, especially because I can be wordier on occasion when the muse strikes (doesn't always).

Maybe it would be better to reply more often, at least with something, so people would at least feel heard.

Regarding the popularity thing. . . there is probably an element of that. I don't think it's that some people are disliked, but more that those who have been around a long time and have engaged with the community on lots of threads, contributed, cultivated relationships are easier to relate/respond to because people feel they have come to know them in some way. Their story is familiar.

I don't think that means other people shouldn't post at all! Just that, support is organic in that it can take a little time to build, but it's worth growing. Interacting with anyone, anywhere, always involves an element of risk. Sometimes when it feels *too* risky, a break is helpful.

I don't mean to sound preachy. This is just my perspective. I don't always get as many responses as I would like either. And I get that there is so much vulnerabiltiy involved on a forum like this

About and Amber, I dont presently have time or a proper keyboard to adequately respond, but I want to say how much your posts resonate with me.

I have a feeling we ALL fit in, but thats an intellectual assessment, and many of us exist here on an emotional plane.

To all who feel unworthy, unloved and unseen - I send warm hugs. I love you.

RT

About,

I pop in and out, too, and I feel like I can slip away unnoticed, but we're all here working through really raw and/or tough stuff, so it just seems obvious that we'll be triggered when we're testing our vulnerabilities.

I value you, too, and respect what you need to do. And just so you know, if you decide to go, we'll be here if/when you pop back in.

((((ABOUT))))

I'm know your feelings are shared by many here or have been at one time or another. It all comes down to the basic human need to belong. You may feel like you don't fit in but IMO you don't NOT fit in either. There is nothing about you that says that you don't belong here. Nothing that makes you stand out as odd or different or just simply a bad fit.

It's so difficult and invalidating to reach out for support and to feel as though that gesture, and you by default, is not heard. IMO there is nothing more painful. I used to post support on nearly every thread but as time went on I couldn't do so anymore for a variety of reasons. Mostly it's that I've gotten busier IRL and that's a good thing. So I understand limits. And I understand boundaries.

Sometimes a particular thread is more relevant to what I am going through or trying to work through and it grabs my attention. And sometimes I know that a particular person has been struggling with a particularly vexing issue and want to give support. That's probably true for most of us.


Anyway, I am glad you said something because I don't want you to go away feeling like you don't belong here. I am going to try to be more supportive of you and others within the limits of my time constraints.

(((About)))

I see you post from time to time. I am so sorry that this experience here as been so triggering and makes you feel bad.

I think you're a great member if that helps at all.

(((About)))

Thanks for letting us know where you're going and how you're feeling. I feel those same ways sometimes, and worry that my threads about myself are unwelcome, so I can really relate to how you feel. You're always welcome here and always valued.

((((About)))) it's okay to step back for awhile, i think most (if not all) of us do that from time to time. i have never felt as though you don't fit in, and i'm sorry you feel that way, and i'm also very sorry if you didn't get the support you were hoping to get. i hope you can give us another chance, because i do like having you around. step back if you need, but i hope you can return soon. i think you'll be welcomed back with open arms.

i am an experienced forum person by now... I think... but I wasn't at the beginning. I felt all sorts of negative things too. You really need to stick around to keep experiencing the forum and to find your groove. There is a groove for everyone!

For what it is worth - I think for an experienced person - I get few replies to any posts I create .

The other thing is that you don't leave but just contribute to the "social" threads like Check in thread, the funny moments from therapy thread, chit chat etc rather than posting or replying to topics. Sometimes doing that helps a lot.

Somedays

Thank you for all your replies (((all those who have felt the same)))

I am very aware of the dynamics of the forum, of the fact that I am a newbie and that some topics simply "speak" to more people than others, and I do not want to complain. I just didn't want to disappear without saying anything.

Right now, I will still stay away from the forum except for the PMs, because, I just don't feel strong enough to deal with the feelings of unworthiness, even if I can rationalize them.

So, thank you all, and this forum already gave me a lot in terms of insight.

(((About)))

I share your unworthiness, but I also appreciate your courage to communicate how you feel regarding the forum and your respect of forum members in considering how others may feel if you "disappear."

I know that no one is perfect; I'm certainly not. But I think you're About right and About enough and in my book, that's plenty good. I hope you'll come back when you feel stronger.

RT

edited to add:

I just read this on your blog:

----
Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me
----

Thank you for the simplicity, the honesty, the need, the beauty.

(((About)))
There have been so many wise things written on this thread that there isn't much original thought left for me to add, but just wanted to send some support your way and say I'm sorry you have felt this way. I hope you will stick around if it feels comfortable for you, but respect what you need if taking a break is more helpful.

AH

quote:

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Just popping in to say I really, really like this, About.

It is appropriate to take care of yourself. I have to do that all the time (i.e., step away from active participation for awhile). Admittedly though, it would be even better if we didn't have to deal with the struggle of vulnerability. It keeps us from contributing more here, which is the sad part, because when we have to take care of ourselves then we are less able to give support to others. But just like on an airplane emergency drill, you gotta put your own oxygen mask on first, before you pass out trying to help others get theirs on. (BTW, I am not even a "newbie" and I can still feel on the outside.)

((About)) Thank you for being so honest, I hope if /when you do come back you feel a little more as though you belong. It's hard to feel out of the fray... Being part of communities (any) can bring good material to bring up in T, also! Hope whatever time you are gone, be it days or forever that you are taken through your journey gently.


RT & MH: That line is from a song by Sia (an artist I love) and a song Breathe Me if anyone wants to hear it and see the very very awesome video - I had to watch it a couple times this afternoon!! I've had it stuck in my head since I read the words on this thread. The song does reference SI in a vague manner, so TW. It's here - sorry to share, I just love it so much!!