This week I had three sessions scheduled with my T, and while the first session was good, but light, the second session left me feeling really really ungrounded and spacey. I literally have been numb for almost three weeks, no tears, no emotions, no nothing.

This morning's session, though, T broke through something and as much as I fought the tears (mostly because we only had like 5 minutes left) I couldn't control them and I lost it. So much crap has been flooding my memories, my body, my thoughts, everything the past two weeks it's been really hard to function.

As I dried up and we wrapped up, my T said to call if I wanted a session on Friday, as she'd be in the office. I never thought I'd call, as in my entire therapy experience (on and off for 8ish years) I've only ever called a T once (and that was just a few months ago!) But I was so spacey and distraught after today's session that I finally broke down and called and I have another session tomorrow morning.

This is so freaking hard. I've been in therapy before with other therapists and it was never this hard before. She broke through some pretty deep layers today. I cried my way home (the entire 30 minutes - couldn't stop and run my errands cause I looked like death warmed over) and was really hoping that I wouldn't be calling her for that 4th session. But I was such a zombie this afternoon - I was doing a free-lance tech job - that I could hardly focus.

So many things are coming up, namely the fact that I deserved better care than I got as a child, and growing up. And while logically, I knew that, emotionally, it was really hard to hear her say it. And repeat it. And sit there and crumble into that little 3 year old who just wanted her mom to take care of her.

This really freaking sucks. As much as I know the only way out is through... the light at the end of the tunnel is out of order or something, cause I sure don't see the other end any time soon...