((((BB))))) I'm sorry about where you're at. I can't imagine the two year investment and still feeling like this. It's how I feel a lot lately. I have been wavering between, "I just need to walk away from this whole therapy thing, because I am unhelpable" and "I should get a new T, but I just can't," but instead I just keep going and hoping it gets better. Like, the tiniest sliver of hope, the tiny crack in the door you refer to...I'm sorry it is so hard, BB. I won't give any advice, but just tell you I know the hurt you're in and the numbing that has to happen to just get out of it for the tiniest bit of time.

Oh, no, I welcome advice. Just not to go see another T right now, I just can't do that right now. Thanks Yaku for understanding. I hope things get better for you faster than they did for me. I did have some good periods with growth from therapy. You will too.

BB

Aaaawwwwww Beebers,

No advice, just a hug x x x x x x x

(((BB)))

I am sorry your T has not been consistent with you. I would feel the same way you do. In fact, there was a time when I felt as though my T was abandoning me and I was walking on broken glass. I don't know what the solution is. I wish your T could be there when you need him. I want to tell you not to give up on him but his behavior is confusing and he gives you mixed messages.

(((HUGS))))

Liese

BB, I am so sorry that it is so hard to get the simple things that you need and that your T isn't making things easy for you. I applaud you in doing something you feel is right even though it must be so painful and hard. I really hope your session with him goes well and that you feel supported in whatever decision you make.

((((((((BB))))))))

Hugs
Butterfly

Thanks Yaku, starfishy, draggers,Liese, Butterfly, Monte- the support helps. I feel pretty resolved this time. Usually I make this decision, but then we have a good connected session and I change my mind again. But this time....idk. It's been two years. That's a long time to be in therapy without making any really significant, concrete progress. I'm sad, I know I'm really really sad and hopeless feeling, but- I can't feel it, and that is probably a good thing. I'm waiting for it to hit when I'm alone, next time, but for now I can't feel a thing except a bit of apathy. oh well. them's the breaks.

Talk to you all soon-

Love,

Beebs

BB,
i am so sorry you find yourself in such a tough spot and you're not even hopeful that your T will try to question whether this is a cry for help or a test or a loss of trust, and help you make the best decision for you. he sounds a little too passive and not very stable, which must make it so painful when you need and deserve more than that. i am so sorry... i am not even helping by pointing out the painful truth you know already. to me it sounds like you know what you're doing, like you mean business about this break, and if it really isn't working maybe a break is better than to keep trying and keep getting stuck in the same problems. i really feel for you and i also think you're being strong and standing up for yourself. but i'm so disappointed and angry at your T.
i'm sorry if i wasnt much help.
hugs,
puppet

((((((Beebs))))))

When and if you're ready to return from break, I bet your T will be there. In the mean time, we're all here for you too.

Only you really know what you need to do right now, whether the rest of the world likes it or not.

(((((BB)))))

Dearest Beebs,

Not sure where to start, but I am PROUD of you for taking control of this decision. It's like an adult part of you has stepped in and said hey, this isn't good enough, this isn't what I need.

I know there are other parts to it too - despair, shut down and perhaps a bit of self-destruct. But I actually hear your post a strong and healthy self-protective urge too. The part of you that has HAD ENOUGH and is telling your T to f off if he's not going to look after you - it's an angry part, but it's a strong, healthy part that wants to live and grow and not be held down and squashed by hurt over and over again. Yes, I see that in you. And I believe that, my dear - as unfamiliar as it might be - that strong part is the part that is guiding you OUT of the dysfunction and mess, and into a life where you can feel peaceful, loved and loving.

Right, I also want to say that *I* am totally f'ed off with your T. You are quite right that asking for regular weekly sessions is NOT a big deal, it is a given in most therapies. You have really put yourself out there to ask for this, repeatedly, and you let your T know how hard it was for you. It has made a BIG difference to your stability.

Beebs, you should not have to KEEP ASKING for this basic thing in the face of subtle or not-so-subtle pressure otherwise. You should not have it taken away from you the moment you relax. You need this thing, it is vital to your health and healing, and he should have bloody well stepped up to the plate on it.

Beebs: - HIS PROBLEM. I know this will be hard to take in. It is easier to believe it's you doing something wrong - you have seen this yourself so often when people have ruptures with their Ts. But I've rarely seen it so clear cut - your T for some reason is unable and/or unwilling to commit to regular weekly 50 minute sessions with his clients, and he even promotes this as part of his way of working.

Well, perhaps it works for some people, but it doesn't work for you. You know that, I know that. You need consistency, Beebs, you've had far, far too much inconsistency in your life and it is NEGLECT. It cannot be anything except enormously triggering for you right now. And I strongly believe that won't change until you get the consistency of care that you need.

***SPACE WHERE JONES DOES NOT MENTION OTHER T'S AT ALL, NOHOW, NOWAY, UH-UH, NOT AT ALL. NOTHING TO SEE HERE. MOVE ALONG, PEOPLE, MOVE ALONG.***

Beebs, if you need to just shut down and 'force yourself' for now, well, ok. I don't much like the sound of it, but I have times where I do the same, and it's ok just to get through the very hard patches. As long as you are not doing anything destructive, and only until you are ready to take the next step towards what you REALLY want - which is a whole, happy, balanced life. You can't stop wanting that Beebs, it's what we all want. Please keep talking to us and draw on us for support as you go through this, and keep yourself away from the destructive stuff - gently, lovingly. And use us to help you with that. And keep talking to us.

Love,
Jones

Hi Beebs... Listen to Jones. She is very wise and I agree with all she said in her post. I'm sorry you had to take this step to step away from your T. I'm sorry you had to go numb and shut down in order to deal with the separation. You should not have to deal with this and you know how I feel about your T and his methods of therapy. I feel that consistency is KEY in healing and if he cannot seem to offer even that little bit then taking a break is a very good idea.

I hope you will come here often for care and support while you decide what you really want and need and take the next step in your healing.

Hugs to you
TN

BB Sorry no advice but just letting you know I'm thinking about you.

(((((BB)))))

I know if it were me, BB, you would tell me that I'm not just supposed to grieve and grow up, but really experience a corrective experience with my T. I really want that for you (and me, of course). I hate to see you hurting like this. It's just not fair to you. I know the pain of not having your T available at a regularly scheduled time. Whether or not it's about me, it hurts a lot that he can't just make room for me...even with all he does. I know you said you just can't see another T, so I won't suggest it, but I just wish I could see you in the hands of someone who both encourages you to express your needs AND meets them. What is the point of expressing very simple needs (like a weekly session) just to find out that, like always, they will be denied? It's one thing for there to be exceptions...it's quite another to encourage you in your need for weekly sessions while not making regular room for them in HIS schedule. You are justifiably hurt by this BB. It's not you being too much. I know your T is telling you it's about him, not you, which is good...but I just want to see your needs met for once in your life by a caring person who prioritizes what is in your best interest instead of there own!!!

No advice here that can even touch the responses given so far, but I wanted to say that I'm thinking of you. ((((BB))))

((((((bb))))))

I've taken breaks before, and it's been hard, but it has helped me re-center a little and gained a different perspective. I hope you don't shut down everywhere and everything - but it does make some sense to take a break from the relationship with your T and the intensity of feelings going on - or ambivalence. I do want to say that I hope you keep connecting with people elsewhere (here and/or other places) and don't totally self isolate. For me, a big part of getting through the break and getting a different perspective was diving a little more deeply and investing that time into other things, other relationships, even just caring for myself - and it helped me gain a lot more out of the break. I'm not sure if that is how it would be for you...

I'm so sorry you feel so awful. I have seen changes in you in the time I have known you... big ones... but clearly you are feeling really stuck inside...

No need to respond specifically or not - just post and process what you need to and what helps for you. We are still here. And you have such a kind and gentle heart - and we know you take everyone's responses and feeback to heart. Just take care of you and express and process and update what is helpful for you.

thinking of you,
~ jd

Thanks starfish draggers, Liese,Butterfly, Monte, Puppet, deepfired, R2G,Jones, TN, Smiley, Yaku, STRMS and JD...I think I have everybody..!

thanks you all for your sweet support. It's been three days, and I still feel the same way. I really need to break from my T for awhile. I am sad that he never even bothered to respond to my email. ok, maybe he still will, but I sincerely doubt it. and I don't even email him much at all anymore, only once in awhile, and usual for really good reason, not just "I'm feeling bad about therapy" stuff anymore. He's been so great in so many ways. It hurts to read the things about him that people say, but I guess I need to hear differing perspectives, and I really do welcome them. I can't stop thinking about his good face, but I also know that the pain I am in is not helping me, and that it needs comforting or understanding or- something that I don't seem to be getting from my T for whatever reason. I feel desperate frantic, apathetic, grief, all the time back and forth between those. It's like Puppet said- he's very passive. That word to describe him really helped me Puppet it describes his style and approach to me (probably not his other clients, but me) perfectly. I know he is a deeply committed T who is highly respected in his country and in the US for the work he does. I know he is known as compassionate and caring and with a different more human touch than many other T's. Knowing all of this makes me think very sincerely that he *just doesn't like me, or know how to work with me, since I am too..honest or something, or dishonest maybe...idk* He doesn't seem to want to actively participate in my healing but leaves it all up to me. And if it's not working then it leaves it as my fault. It really hurts most of all that it is my fault that his counseling doesn't seem to help me. Thanks Jones for saying it's not...but I know that it is. Why couldn't I matter enough for him to make a more sincere commitment to helping me? It *is* me. What else could it be?

BB

Sweet (((Beebs)))
I'm so sad this is all still happening and your hurting doesn't stop!! Taking a little break might be useful but only you can know. Seriously BB how could he not like you? you're a very lovely, caring and giving lady - there's nothing to dislike!!! His approach to your therapy may be 'passive' for a reason - perhaps to push you to a reaction!! wdik?? You've been given some wonderful support and advice here but could I add one thing? Perhaps this is the time for a consult T!! Someone totally divorced from the relationship so you can let it all out anonymously really and maybe get a fresh perspective!!!

Thinking of you my friend!!
Morgs xx

Aww BB, I wish I were in a better place so I could help you to know that this isn't your fault. You do matter and you are important and I am so sorry that you feel you don't matter enough for your T. Please know this is to do with your T and not you, he may be known as a compassionate and caring T but it is what you experience that is important. (((((BB))))) sorry I don't have the words right now but wanted you to know you do matter and you deserve the comforting and understanding that you are not receiving.

Sending you lots of hugs
Butterfly

I think its good that you are at a place where you are able to step back and take a break while you evaluate how your therapy is going and determine where to go from here.

((((BB))))) It really, truly is not your fault. We come into therapy broken and needy, which is why Ts have to be, for the most part, whole and dependable. If you could be those things on your own right now, you wouldn't be going to him for help. So, you're expecting an awful lot of poor BB and maybe not enough of your T, although it is common for us (including me) to feel like we are either too much or not enough for our Ts...or both. I wish I could do something to make it better or easier...

Beebs, I'm sorry I was so noisy with my anger. I know you are in a lot of pain and perhaps you just need gentleness at the moment. It comes from really wanting to see you well looked after, and from knowing how hard you have worked to make progress, and also from believing that some anger is warranted by the situation (anger at life, if not at your T!). I do believe you have made progress, but you don't seem to yet have the relief from constant pain that is your right - your birthright. I strongly wish for that for you.

Please know that although I feel angry at your T, I also don't think you are wrong to love him. I think what you see in his good face is real. It's just... it's not black and white, it's complex. Everybody fails sometimes, and I believe he is failing you by not *getting it* with the regular sessions.

I don't say that it's not your fault because I want to be nice to you (though I do ). I mean it and believe it 100%. That passivity... it's quite possible he's like that with all his clients. And if it worked for, say, 50% he could still have an excellent reputation, while the other 50% walked away feeling they had failed somehow. This is not actually an attack on your T's competence. Just - therapy is very far from being an exact medicine - very far. It is only ever delivered by one fallible human. It is that fallible human's responsibility to find a way to make it work for as many of their clients as they can, but they can never transcend their humanity and be everything for everyone. There will always be these areas of failure.

It is true that your personality may have something to do with him not treating you effectively. But not your personality as it is - only, your personality as it gets mixed up in his personality. Maybe you remind him of his bright, startlingly honest sister, who he can't fully be present to because it threatens him. Or maybe his Dad was super-uptight about scheduling, and he decided he really can't get locked into a proper schedule with anyone. Or maybe he has some other unacknowledged area of unmet need, where he can't actually trust himself to be needed by someone. Do you see what I'm saying? There are infinite possible variations on this, and none of them are truly about you. That's the truth of how we are with people when we come up against these barriers.

As you know, his personality gets mixed up in your personality too. No doubt he triggers all kinds of memories and reactions from the past in you too. But *that* part is how it's supposed to be. That's therapy. And he is the therapist, and he is paid to do his very best to find a way to make the relationship healing for you. Your job is only to have the pain that you genuinely have. His job is to find a way to heal you, if he can.

Beebs, maybe it is scary to think of him as fallible, as flawed? I know for me when I've been faced with kind of knowledge it is like the death of hope. "Then no one can ever save me, and I cannot go on."

Then grace steps in. The universe holds until the next step becomes clear. And then next step. Head down, one foot after another. Sooner or later another healer comes by - or I find somehow, despite everything, I can let a healer I know in. They too are flawed, and the healing is incomplete. But it opens up the way and I can lift my head more, take in more of the joy and pleasure in life, let go of another small burden or two, keep on going....

Love you, Beebs.

Jones

quote:

maybe it is scary to think of him as fallible, as flawed? I know for me when I've been faced with kind of knowledge it is like the death of hope. "Then no one can ever save me, and I cannot go on."

Then grace steps in. The universe holds until the next step becomes clear. And then next step. Head down, one foot after another. Sooner or later another healer comes by -

Jones and Beebs... this really resonates with me through my own experience. When I was abandoned by oldT, thrown out and rejected I truly believe I was unsavable or that there could never be another T I would heal with or trust or even be able to talk to. I was forced under horrible circumstances to go look for another T and... somehow....someway I was led to my T. But all through this ordeal I have blamed myself. I have looked and thought and tried my hardest to convince everyone that the relationship came to a horrible end because I must have done something really bad. Like a small child, she needs to see her abusive parents as good or what will happen to her if they are truly bad. I found it very difficult to see my oldT as truly flawed and cruel and hurtful. Because then there would be no hope for me. I adored him so much how could I ever find another T that I could connect with? It was a really hard, desolate, scary place to be.

As you know I found a wonderful, caring man who listens to me and who truly makes therapy easy (if it CAN be easy). How did I find him? Well I saw 5 other Ts and took it one step at a time. I was blind with grief but I just put one foot in front of the other until I found myself at his door and he took me in and tended my wounds and breathed life back into me.

I was just talking to him about this the other day. He asked me why I didn't call him first, right after the abandonment... I KNEW who he was. HE knew my story because my friend who came to the ER that night with me (and the police) uses him for a T. She told me I should go see him but I didn't think it was a good idea to share a T with her and so I tried to go find my own new T. But then I told my T that perhaps I was meant to take that other journey first, maybe I needed to learn some things along the way, maybe I needed to experience all those other Ts so that I could appreciate what a gem I had in him. Somehow the universe and/or destiny lead me back to him.

And so... I won't ask you to leave your T but I do want you to know that there are all kinds of possibilities out there and you may be shortchanging yourself and your potential to blossom if you ignore them. And I also want you to KNOW and BELIEVE that this is not your fault and you are not to blame. You cannot make your T act that way or anyway. THAT is just who he is. And who you are is a wonderful, kind, caring sweet person.

Hugs
TN

((((((((Beebs))))))))

I'm so sorry for all the pain you are in, BB. And even though it doesn't feel like you've made any progress, I think that taking a break is a healthy step for you to take to try and figure out what is best for you. I'm just so sorry about the circumstances. Anyway, nothing I can say will add on to all of the other very wise responses. Just know I'm thinking and praying for you and sending you lots and lots of hugs.

Love, Kashley

Dear BB
I am so sorry that you are such a tough spot now with this stuff. You mention something about not being supportive here, well you were kind enough to welcome me to the cafe when I joined and also on a post or two I made, so you have been supportive in my book. I am not far enough advanced in t to offer you advice, but I am certainly thinking of you right this second and will continue to do so

(((BB))))

Take care your yourself first and let us know how you are doing when you can.

Liese

thank you so much you guys...it means a lot, and I swear I am not ignoring you, but I can't really post much right now, for some reason. It's so hard to talk about myself right now, I just can't. But I will try to come back and reply more later on, I just didn't want you to think I was ignoring your responses or isolating myself.

hugs,

BB

Hugs dear BB

Don't worry about posting, just concentrate on looking after you. Take care dear BB,

starfish

Thank you, dearest Starry-fish, my 5-legged friend.. You are very sweet to take the pressure off of me. ((((Starfishy)))

I will try to be back later tonight, I really want to respond to some of the things that you guys have said. I have to go read to my kidlets, but I will try to be abck, I really do want to express my appreciation and that I have read and given thought to all the posts here, and I wanted to make a few comments. (surprise, surprise!! ) Love you guys.

Beebs

quote:

I have to go read to my kidlets,

You are a very good mom, Beebs.

See you later
TN

thank you for saying that TN. But it is just so hard to accept that when I fail them every day in so many huge, vast, *real* ways. yipes. I try but....not hard enough.

Starfishy, Morgs, Butterfly, LadyGrey (nice to see you!)Yaku,
Dearest Jones again, sweet TN again, BG, ((Kashley,)) DebbieN, Liese...Gosh- all of you- I am really overwhelmed to come and see all your amazing support here. It is lovely to see each and every one of you and read your thoughtful words.

Jones I wanted to say, that you have absolutely nothing to apologize to me for my friend. I love your noisy anger. I've laid some of mine at your doorstep a few times as I recall, so...now we are even! Anger on my behalf always feels good, but it also makes me realize something and that is that I feel a lot more protective of my T than he apparently does of me. Story of my life- so seeing some kinda pattern there that I haven't really thought about too much before. Jones, I guess some of the situations you are describing that could be happening- are like some kind of unresolved baggage that he *may* have that is is affecting the quality of his care and interest in me as a client, possibly...like a counter-transference...? Is that what you mean? The thing that confuses me is that we have had honest discussions around this and he swears up and down that he is keeping himself and his junk out of it, and that he doesn't know *why* it's like this for me. So, just...yarg. He feels like he constantly contradicts himself to me, and I'm kind of feeling like- whatever. I'm just really not feeling ok, you know? It's just *so* not ok for me in so many ways, right now, but it's buried, and I kinda know it, vaguely observe it..
I think I just got to the point though where I'm in *more* pain as a result of the therapy than I would be from stopping fro awhile and that is clearly objectively not a good situation for my family, I can't really function at all normally. I still can't stomach the whole..."it's not my fault, it's just him or the cosmos" thing...not really, even though I *know* you are right. But...it just feels like it *has* to be my fault. I get that you are doing damage control here, and I appreciate your care *so* much...but being on the other side of it, I just *can't* see it, that it's not my fault. arg. I don't really know how to change that...any ideas?

TN, like you did, deep down I just *believe* that it's my fault...I really do. Maybe that's why I keep going back to him, maybe I'm just hoping for some kind of admission on *his* part of failure with me...something concrete that I can hold onto that will tell me that he's sorry..idk..And I am not sure how to stop feeling that way, besides muttering the words "it's not my fault" over and over, which I don't really believe...kwim? It's just...so fucked up in this head of mine at this point, and I'm frankly pretty shut down. Most of what I am writing here tonight is kind of how I suspect I feel..if that makes any sense. I mean..I'm fine. totally find. But just *so* not fine that it's...idk.

I can't even figure out how to talk about it. He never even emailed me back about it. He coudl have just said something that says he takes me seriously but...nothing. It feels like I'm just nobody and nothing and I don't even exist. I suspect. And...I wanted to *live.* that why I wnet to him in the first place- seriously. I was sick of being a shell, and gosh I feel more "shell-like" than I did before therapy. What happened? I just keep wondering what the f happened? I want to just be normal not obsessed with some dude who lives across the ocean that I see every week or two depending on whether he can bother to fit me into his schedule even though I pay him an arm and a leg and my soul to boot to do just that...or not. I need support- I need him to take my issues really seriously, to *help* me with them...is that *so* wrong? And sometimes he really does, help a lot that is- but, I forget unless I see him every freaking week, and even then it's pretty tough to hang onto.

jeepers.

BB

ok...

I just wanted him to carry part of the load...you know- admit that he didn't do everything right, so that at least I don't have to carry the failure of even my therapy, all alone. He thinks it's been a great success, I guess. He think I'm well equipped to handle things on my own now, thanks to his interventions. Maybe he's right- idk. ok. I feel like I've been screaming for help for a long time, a really long time- and he can't even hear me. I finally got a response to my email notifying him that I need to break, and asking him to at least advice me if he thinks it's a bad idea. Here is what he said:

Dear ***,

quote:

Well, I cannot come up with any serious professional advice against taking a break from counseling, when you are bringing up the idea - (sorry about that )-
There is even a chance, that you, after a while, may discover that you on your own actually can row your little boat better than you think right now, when I am paddling it too. I think it makes sense that you go ahead and try it.

And sure, of course the door will be open for you to come back if necessary ! Any time. Rest assured of that.
Sometimes I do not hear from people for years and then they show up again. And I am always happy to hear how things are going.

Regarding our appointment on June 1st, I will be happy to see what I can do. But do e-mail me a few lines about what specifically you hope to accomplish in that session. And will you be open to go more than one session, if necessary ?

Sincerely,

Dr. ***

Why on earth does this hurt *so* much? What is *wrong* with me? I'm just so......so ouchy. I feel bad for my kids. I can't cry even though I want to.

BB

quote:

I feel like I've been screaming for help for a long time, a really long time- and he can't even hear me.

((((BB))))

That breaks my heart. Why is it that the people we need the most can't seem to get it, even when we are practically beating them upside the heads with our cries?

I am so sorry you are not feeling heard in your pleas for help.

Oh (((((BB)))))

I know just how you feel, well not exactly, but nearly just. One time I texted T that I thought I had to quit (due to how my H was acting about my therapy). T thought that meant I was almost certainly quitting and brought it up at the beginning of the session, like "First, we need to address you finishing therapy," as if the idea of me quitting was nothing at all. And when I explained I was texting him how I felt pressured to quit, he just shrugged it off, like "that's OK too." Even if quitting was my idea, to have it seem like he could take or leave his work with me was heartbreaking. And this coming from a place of KNOWING my T cares for me, because he is going out of his way to do things for me that he does not do for his other clients...yet still, I felt so small and meaningless. And even if the break is your idea, it would be nice to feel like they want to keep us. Then again, if he pressured you to stay, that might be bad too. I think he is probably just trying to instill some, "I think you can" confidence in you, because he just totally does not hear your feelings on how therapy has been going. I know it is so scary to think about seeing another T (because right now, I am actually researching them, despite the kids clawing at my insides for me to stop)...so I won't ask you to do that. I just want to see BB and all the little hatchlings' needs really, truly met...for you to see what it feelings like when those voices get heard and affirmed.

((((((((BB))))))))

I only have a minute, but I just wanted to send you tons of hugs. I'm so sorry. I only have time to say right now that there are parts of his email that bother me (or maybe I'm just seeing that because I was already annoyed with him!). Not to mention the fact that it took him way too long to reply considering what your email said.

Anyway, I have to run, but know that it's ok to not have it together. You're in pain, plain and simple. And I'm so sorry for that. ((((BB))))

My T has said I could take breaks – and she has said this when I have been needing to back off and felt overwhelmed by the process. And I have taken breaks. Sometimes a week, sometimes a month, and it’s been ok in the end. When she says it’s ok for me to do it, she has also been very clear about explaining she says it because so many times in my life people have pressured and pushed and defined me and my life for me, that she wants to respect my space and choices and support me in what I say I need to do to take care of me and not pressure or push me. It’s been helpful, but without that explanation, I think it would have driven me nuts and hurt so bad.

There have been times too, that I have had to tell her, I need you to push me, guide me, pressure me – and I need to know you will fight for me and my relationship with you and my well being in life in general. I haven’t said this in relation to taking time off from therapy, but in relation to other things that have come up in therapy and about the relationship in general. She has totally heard me on it and we have worked through it and still are constantly trying to find this balance… And BB, it seems like you have said some of the same kinds of stuff to your T. And he’s just missing the boat about what you need to hear from him.

I would feel like crap if I got an email like what he sent you.

It makes some logical/intellectual sense about why he is supporting you taking a break… He should explain why Ts respect this space so much.

But, even more, something feels dismissive about it. then in the context of the rest of the relationship with him, it feels weird. Especially when he says it like in such a professional way. (Dude, we are dealing with hearts here. I get it but... come on bb's T...) Because there has been such a pattern of you asking for help and him essentially brushing off that request, that need, and you, this feels like more of him totally not hearing you or seeing what you are dealing with and struggling through. He’s missing the help and support you do really need legitimately, and the validation you need of that and have been asking for – let alone that actual help and support. I’m not a clinical professional person in any way, but I think most any clinical person would support you needing support and therapy – and he’s had a pattern of not supporting that when I think most T's would - just because they would.

While I totally think it's a great idea that you are taking a break from therapy with him, and I understand why he’s not likely to say I don’t support you taking a break, and why he's not likely to pressure you back into therapy no matter what… I'm very surprised he doesn't say I think you should stay, but it's ok to take a break too. I hear you screaming out saying I need help, I'm hurting, I'm not ok, again and again, and him not getting it in so many other ways, that this just hits me as being really out of sync with you, yet again.

quote:

There is even a chance, that you, after a while, may discover that you on your own actually can row your little boat better than you think right now, when I am paddling it too. I think it makes sense that you go ahead and try it.

A chance? he's saying go out without support from him, give it a try, and there is "even" a chance you could do better without him? It's like he's almost implying he professionally doesn't think you need therapy, but I think there is only a chance you will do better without therapy. and your little boat?! Wtf? This is your LIFE and this is not little! (sorry, I don't deal with arrogance well. sigh.)

He might be realizing that he could be paddling AGAINST you, and you could do better without him… And frankly, I would have to agree with him on that if that is what he is saying. It seems like he is paddling against you as you keep trying so hard to move towards healing. It’s like he’s blindfolded, and has earplugs in, and you keep trying to tell him which way to paddle to help you get where you are going, and you are trying to show him in every way possible, and he’s just arrogantly paddling his own direction no matter what you say or do, and not helping you get where you need to go.

It makes sense that you try it? Makes sense? I mean yeah, it makes sense but not in the way he puts it exactly… it’s invalidating of what you have been telling him for so long…

You said you want a break, and he’s not recommending against it, and it sounds like maybe you asked for a session before ending, and he’s already asking for more? for what? And what would you like to accomplish? Shiesh, that’s not an easy question to always sum up in a few lines… especially in a session before taking a break from therapy…

In a nutshell, I don’t like this email either and it feels awful. It is confusing – like lots of mixed messages are wrapped up in this. And he never says hey, sorry you feel crappy and like this isn’t working out and helping you, especially when you are investing so much time and money in making it work.

There is something else that I can’t quite put into words that bothers me about his email... I hurt for you.

bb... I know you don't want to hear this... but please, do kick him out of your boat... Find those people that will help you paddle where you need to go.

This isn't you. He isn't getting it, and I really don't think you can make him get it and it's not fair and awful and horrible and I'm so sorry. It's NOT your fault, and I struggle with trying to really believe that too about myself. There is more I want to say about the self blame, but I gotta run... I just wanted to say I'm so sorry...

hang in there. I think you are doing a good thing by getting some space from him and taking a break. As even your T says, you can always go back. I'm so sorry he's just not hearing you no matter how much you scream. It's not your fault, and I totally hear you.

a million hugs,
~ jd

quote:

He might be realizing that he could be paddling AGAINST you, and you could do better without him… And frankly, I would have to agree with him on that if that is what he is saying. It seems like he is paddling against you as you keep trying so hard to move towards healing. It’s like he’s blindfolded, and has earplugs in, and you keep trying to tell him which way to paddle to help you get where you are going, and you are trying to show him in every way possible, and he’s just arrogantly paddling his own direction no matter what you say or do, and not helping you get where you need to go.

It makes sense that you try it? Makes sense? I mean yeah, it makes sense but not in the way he puts it exactly… it’s invalidating of what you have been telling him for so long…



In a nutshell, I don’t like this email either and it feels awful. It is confusing – like lots of mixed messages are wrapped up in this. And he never says hey, sorry you feel crappy and like this isn’t working out and helping you, especially when you are investing so much time and money in making it work.

There is something else that I can’t quite put into words that bothers me about his email... I hurt for you.

bb... I know you don't want to hear this... but please, do kick him out of your boat... Find those people that will help you paddle where you need to go.

I'm so sorry Beebs. I DO feel your pain but I have to agree with how eloquently Jane put it above. He has been rowing against you and your little boat has been going around in circles instead of making any forward progress.

You have been screaming at him the things you need but he is deaf to it. I know how hard you wanted this to work and you put a lot of sweat and tears (and money) into this but you can't MAKE him be a certain way. I could not make oldT be the T I needed. Part of why I was so angry with my current T in the beginning was because he was EXACTLY what I wanted oldT to be for me. But oldT was not up to being that. He was incompetent. So now instead of being angry at my T for not being oldT I am happy that he is who he is and I am doubly blessed now.

It's just so horribly, painfully HARD when you are facing this truth. The fear it produces is indescribable and I think that is what you feel tonight. FEAR and the unbearable aloneness.

But Beebs you are not alone. We are all here for you and will support you through whatever you decide you want to do. You are never alone.

Hugs
TN

(((((LG))))

(((((Yaku))))

((((Kashley))))

((((JD))))

((((((TN)))))

((((((Monte))))

You have bolstered me up and you've helped me to think, yeah, I am probably doing the right thing.

Incidentally, just to clear up the "boat" thing...I had said in my email letting him know that I would be breaking after the next session, that "I think it may be time for me to try to row my little boat by myself for awhile." So he was just referring to that. I have just poured out my heart in a long email to him and am debating sending it or not. If I do I will ask to pay for a response to it. My H has read it and said that he understands now why I have been hurting so badly. It was good to hear that from him, and he even offered me some comfort. As you guys are, too.

TN, I feel not so much scared as rent in two. Is that being overly dramatic?

"Sometimes I do not hear from people for years and then they show up again. And I am always happy to hear how things are going."

This is the part that really hurt me. Why would he say "years" so purposefully- he had to put thought into his response- he's said that before. I think it's a hint to take a long break, or that he wants it to be over, not just a break. And that he's "happy" to "hear how things are going" My SD will not be happy, if I get a chance to tell him. He told me to only take a short break if I need one. He also said something funny, when I told him some months ago that my T had suggested a break for me...My SD said- "HAH! maybe HE needs a break. You just be sure that if you take one, it isn't a long one. A short break would be ok, but you need to be in therapy." But I haven't told him about my T issues.

Monte, there is so much wrong with me that it's not funny- that's why I am in therapy. I was pretty sure that he would respond very ..casually...(that is the right word) to my email. Of course I question..why, is it because of the tone of my own.. by my H read my email and his, and said that his response did not match the tone of what I said at all. He is being very kind and that is helping me a lot.

It's quite simple...he said he cared and that I must accept that he cares about me in order to heal.
I could not accept it
I did not heal

It's my fault- in so many ways- he knows me. You guys don't. and he knows that I deserve this.

But- thank you for saying it. It does help.

Yaku, thank you for you wrods. It is true that he does not hear my feelings. But I have not been open or direct with them, I suppose.

Kashley thank you for understanding...the wait was very hard to deal with.

JD, you reply was so understanding...I am so grateful to read your words. You are a very giving and understanding person. I have always had a sense of mixed messages from him. Inconsistency? Is that what it is..I just don't matter to him. It's over. He said "few lines" because of the massive emails that I used to send and that he initially encouraged. I wish I knew what the other thing about his email that bothers you is that you can't quite put into words. To me it feels like I am dismissed...thrown away.

TN, thank you for understanding. I know you have always supported the idea of my leaving this therapist, whether it be for a break or forever. I am starting to think that you are right about it.

LG, thank you for understanding how it hurts. It is like being casually thrown into the trash heap. discarded.

((((((((((Beebers)))))))))) I'm sorry for not responding sooner but the way this is unfolding for you is just breaking my heart. Obviously I don't know the guy but your T's response REALLY bothered me on many levels , all of which have been pointed out by others on this thread, yourself included. I think you're all spot on.

Beebs, honey, what you are asking for is entirely reasonable and okay, and it's NOT okay that your T is missing it. And I will join the chorus in insisting that this is NOT your fault at all. There is something missing in HIM, that he is missing YOU. Just because a T is "popular" or has a lot of clients doesn't necessarily mean that they are "good" or that they are the right one for you. Personally I thought his response sounded condescending, and I'm being nicer than I feel when I say that. And I can say that because the two male T's who didn't work out for me were also "popular" with a lot of folks, and it made me doubt myself, too, when they completely missed the boat with me, and were condescending and clueless...and I thought it must be because of me...but I think the truth is...in some ways they were both so full of themselves, maybe partly because of those successes, that they couldn't see what I needed them to see...and you and I have a lot in common, dear...and one thing I know about me is I'm really drawn to men who are full of themselves, for whatever reason...and it results in reenactments and confusion for me...as it seems to with you.

And I just wanted to say, BRAVO for taking this step...I think you are moving in the right direction, although I know it feels awful right now...keep talking to us and leaning on us however you need to...you deserve to be seen and heard and you weren't getting that from your T...I hope, eventually (and this is not pressure to do so, just a bit of hope) you can find a T or SD who CAN see and hear you, beautiful Beebs...look at all of us, we are seeing and hearing you, right? So you really ARE there, trust in that while you go through this really difficult time...we love you and know you will get through this...I'm sorry this is so hard, I know it is....and I wish so much I could somehow make it easier for you.

Much love,
SG

quote:

It's my fault- in so many ways- he knows me. You guys don't. and he knows that I deserve this.

Beebers, I lovingly beg to differ, in the strongest possible terms.

I love you. We love you. Stop beating up our friend!

Many hugs,
SG

((((BB))))

Just read your T's response to your email and of course would feel crushed and devastated too. Want to reply more later. Running out now.

(((HUGS)))

Liese