Oh Beebs, I am so sorry. He just doesn't seem to get it. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you...he has let you down. My heart goes out to you. Please know this isn't your fault and I don't care how well he knows you...you don't deserve this! Please keep reaching out here.
(((((((Beebs))))))
Sending you gentle hugs.
Butterfly
SG, it is lovely to see you my friend. Thank you for you kind words of support. Draggers, sweetie, Liese my dear, and Butterfly my flutterby- thank you.
I'm fluctuating rapidly back and forth between "this is entirely my fault because I am so screwed up that I couldn't see of accept the hlp my T was giving me and had to make him the bad guy to save my own shattered ego" And "He has totally messed up boundaries and this is all his fault and I can't believe he would throw me away like a piece of garbage after taking my money and making himself feel good about his treatment of me for two years." I truly cannot figure out which one is true and I'm getting into a pretty anxious and incapcitated place about it. My son is 4 tomorrow and we are having a party for him, and the house is amess, nothing is ready, I have other obligations that I am supposed to go to tonight and tomorrow morning...I just can't seem to make myself do what I have to do to make this party happen. *whine, whine*
My H is being so great and nice to me, which makes me think, gosh- I *must be totally screwed up" he talked to me for like *two hours* this morning and got me into a slightly bbetter place so I could go out and get my son's present, but then I have collapsed again into thinking it is my fault and if I could just undo it all and go back...have to figure this out...How do I know it is not my fault? He did everything right, didn't he? I was just too difficult. I made it impossible for him to help me. I can't figure it out.arg. I wish my brain had an "off" button.
I'm fluctuating rapidly back and forth between "this is entirely my fault because I am so screwed up that I couldn't see of accept the hlp my T was giving me and had to make him the bad guy to save my own shattered ego" And "He has totally messed up boundaries and this is all his fault and I can't believe he would throw me away like a piece of garbage after taking my money and making himself feel good about his treatment of me for two years." I truly cannot figure out which one is true and I'm getting into a pretty anxious and incapcitated place about it. My son is 4 tomorrow and we are having a party for him, and the house is amess, nothing is ready, I have other obligations that I am supposed to go to tonight and tomorrow morning...I just can't seem to make myself do what I have to do to make this party happen. *whine, whine*
My H is being so great and nice to me, which makes me think, gosh- I *must be totally screwed up" he talked to me for like *two hours* this morning and got me into a slightly bbetter place so I could go out and get my son's present, but then I have collapsed again into thinking it is my fault and if I could just undo it all and go back...have to figure this out...How do I know it is not my fault? He did everything right, didn't he? I was just too difficult. I made it impossible for him to help me. I can't figure it out.arg. I wish my brain had an "off" button.
quote:I have collapsed again into thinking it is my fault and if I could just undo it all and go back...have to figure this out...How do I know it is not my fault? He did everything right, didn't he? I was just too difficult. I made it impossible for him to help me. I can't figure it out.arg. I wish my brain had an "off" button.
This is truly why, after a short break, that you need to get yourself a T who understands attachment and who you can see "live". One who has a solid email/contact policy. You need a T to help you work out what happened with your T and I know that sounds crazy but it's true and it works.
Let me ask you Beebs.... do you think it was my fault that my oldT got rid of me? Do you feel I should be examining my intentions and that I did things all wrong and deserved to be abandoned? Do you think if I just worked a little bit harder I could have made that therapy a success? Was it my fault that I couldn't figure out how to do therapy with oldT? You must believe all of that about me... because you believe it about you. And pretty much the same things happened, except yours didn't call the police to take you away and then banish you forever.
There are just some T's out there that are not as competent as we would like them to be. There are T's out there who recoil from a "relationship" with a patient... even when that is exactly what is needed for the patient to heal. It is NOT YOUR FAULT for needing what you need to get well. It's his fault for not being up to providing the therapy that was needed. YOU did nothing wrong!
I'm sorry that you have a lot of commitments and I understand how that can overwhelm when dealing with a loss and grief. Do what you can and ask for help. You will get through it but I know it will take a lot of internal strength. Beebs you have that strength. You just have to recognize it.
Hugs
TN
Thank you TN- so much. I don't know if I will be able to get another T in person. It was very hard to meet my SD, and still is- and he is not even a T. It seems awfully scary to me to meet a T in person. And I am pretty convinced that no T could help me if my own T couldn't. I just really think that, I do think that. I don't know how I am going to get through this. It's closed off, mostly, but it breaks through once in awhile in a lot of crying, and then I can tell it's really bad. I'm very grateful that my h is helping me. I took a risk and opened up to him about it because I could not get out of bed. He was very sweet. He held me for a long time and said that he can see that I am in some kind of trauma, and that he never realized that I was in so much pain. He really understood. He thanked me for opening up to him. I feel very sad that I can't feel his care for me at all, because it is very clear that it is there, but that I am blocked from letting it in. It is just nice, a relief that he is not angry, and pleasant to think that he cares, but I do know I do not deserve it and that I am making it all up, to get out of why I'm acting like such a jerk all the time, or something, and something won't let me feel it or beleive in it. It's I guess the same thing with my T. But my H really did help me, I could finally get out of bed and do a few things and he let me talk about it. He said a lot of nice things that I can't remember now- just like happens with my T. 
Anyway, I cannot imagine how bad it must have been to be completely abandoned by your T and have him call the police on you. I just can't let go of, for myself, that this is all my fault. Your situation is different. I've experienced shift in my thinking with my T where I *knew* full well that it is my perceptions and misinterpretations and negative take on everything, and not his fault. I tend to remember and present *only* the bad things, I think...I'm pretty sure I do that. SO I feel at fault, for not letting the good in- I din't know how to let it in. But I must say that his email is cold. And that he is often cold and often warm, and I don't know which it will be. My H is mad at him because he says he screwed my head up big time and "dropped the ball" with my treatment, and that he is too disorganized to be able to treat cases seriously. My H has always said to be careful with how I word things with my T, or he will not be able to hear what I'm saying for having hurt feelings of his own. I don't know about that. I really just wish that my T wasn't so cold about me taking a break, and that he would have helped me talk to him about the things that were hard to talk about so that I could have more peace.
I just want my T. I'm scared about the session on Wednesday, and my H is telling me to cancel it. But I need to go, and I need to see what happens. Maybe he will be kind to me, and I will be able to leave on a break with some peace and sense of being a good person, instead of feeling like such a total fuck up?
BB
Anyway, I cannot imagine how bad it must have been to be completely abandoned by your T and have him call the police on you. I just can't let go of, for myself, that this is all my fault. Your situation is different. I've experienced shift in my thinking with my T where I *knew* full well that it is my perceptions and misinterpretations and negative take on everything, and not his fault. I tend to remember and present *only* the bad things, I think...I'm pretty sure I do that. SO I feel at fault, for not letting the good in- I din't know how to let it in. But I must say that his email is cold. And that he is often cold and often warm, and I don't know which it will be. My H is mad at him because he says he screwed my head up big time and "dropped the ball" with my treatment, and that he is too disorganized to be able to treat cases seriously. My H has always said to be careful with how I word things with my T, or he will not be able to hear what I'm saying for having hurt feelings of his own. I don't know about that. I really just wish that my T wasn't so cold about me taking a break, and that he would have helped me talk to him about the things that were hard to talk about so that I could have more peace.
I just want my T. I'm scared about the session on Wednesday, and my H is telling me to cancel it. But I need to go, and I need to see what happens. Maybe he will be kind to me, and I will be able to leave on a break with some peace and sense of being a good person, instead of feeling like such a total fuck up?
BB
I'm sorry about the lack of responses on other's threads, guys, I really am.
((((BB))))
The fact that your T did not give you anything that you needed and rightfully asked for does absolutely not reflect on you as a person. You are such a kind, giving, and incredibly caring person (although I know you won't let yourself accept that right now, and that's okay). Ts are just people like us, and unfortunately the negative side of that was evidenced in your T. But other people deserve to experience every aspect of you as a person, BB, because you are truly beautiful (and I can know that without seeing you, trust me.
). Your H clearly knows this, and I'm so glad he does. Try and eventually let yourself look for a T to meet in person, because there ARE good Ts out there and there is a T out there who is worthy of everything that you've given to your current T, which is absolutely no fault of yours. It's all on him. You deserve to be happy, Beebs. To be able to move past all of the pain you have been in for so long. You really do, and if you can't hear that right now, that's okay too. Just store it away, but think of it occasionally, and maybe in a moment of 'weakness' you'll let yourself find ways to experience all of the great things in life that you so fully deserve. And maybe the first impulse in that moment of weakness will be searching for a new T? 
Regardless of absolutely everything, you just take care of you and know that I and everyone else on this forum are here for you.
((((((((Beebs))))))))
The fact that your T did not give you anything that you needed and rightfully asked for does absolutely not reflect on you as a person. You are such a kind, giving, and incredibly caring person (although I know you won't let yourself accept that right now, and that's okay). Ts are just people like us, and unfortunately the negative side of that was evidenced in your T. But other people deserve to experience every aspect of you as a person, BB, because you are truly beautiful (and I can know that without seeing you, trust me.
). Your H clearly knows this, and I'm so glad he does. Try and eventually let yourself look for a T to meet in person, because there ARE good Ts out there and there is a T out there who is worthy of everything that you've given to your current T, which is absolutely no fault of yours. It's all on him. You deserve to be happy, Beebs. To be able to move past all of the pain you have been in for so long. You really do, and if you can't hear that right now, that's okay too. Just store it away, but think of it occasionally, and maybe in a moment of 'weakness' you'll let yourself find ways to experience all of the great things in life that you so fully deserve. And maybe the first impulse in that moment of weakness will be searching for a new T? Regardless of absolutely everything, you just take care of you and know that I and everyone else on this forum are here for you.
((((((((Beebs))))))))
Oh Beebs, I'm so sorry it's this bad. (((((((Blackbird))))))))
I am HUGELY grateful that your husband is there for you, is stepping up and BEING your husband and helping you in this time. I believe you do feel it, Beebs - you've let it in and it's given you some relief, and allowed you to get out of bed. That in itself is enough, is precious. It's not going to 'cure' you straight away and you will probably always need other sources of healing, so don't push yourself to feel anything other than what you feel. It is real and all it can be right now and all it needs to be.
Beebs, I think the reason that neither of these points of view work is that neither of them is true. Both points of view are about the situation being someone's fault, about who is entirely to blame for the situation. But people have very limited options, I believe. We can only understand or do, at any given time, what we have the resources to understand or do. Everything is given to us already by a combination of what we've had before (our previous experiences) and the chance of the moment. How could you have been or done anything more than you are? You couldn't. And your T - he has been trying too, but within the very limited and fallible understanding that has been given to him. As it turns out, this is not enough for you - your needs right now are for something different. You can't control that. It hurts like hell. But none of this is anything that could have been changed by you 'trying harder'. And your T could only have changed it by being a different person - one with the understandings and skills that DO meet your genuine needs. (And I agree with your H that T is just too disorganized for the kind of work that you need to do).
I notice you are urgently, desperately needing to take responsibility for this yourself - or perhaps more accurately, to take the blame of this for yourself. I think this is a trauma reaction, a survival reaction, and that's why it is something you are defending so hard right now (and why we saw dear TN defend it hard herself in a similar situation ((((TN))))). As I don't think you can control that reaction right now, I don't really want to argue it with you, but I do want to just bring it to your attention in a way that you can *see* it as a trauma reaction, and know that this is something that is a *feeling* - a feeling that can be allowed, but not a clear assessment of reality, and not the thing that should determine your actions to yourself now if you can help it. That knowing will have to come from a different part of you - not the injured child part, but the part that has age, wisdom, grace, spiritual connection, love of the self as part of the given world.
I know it can be hard to connect with that part, but you need it now as much as ever. If you can find ways to connect with it - music, a spiritual image, a particular prayer... please do, sweetheart.
With love,
Jones
I am HUGELY grateful that your husband is there for you, is stepping up and BEING your husband and helping you in this time. I believe you do feel it, Beebs - you've let it in and it's given you some relief, and allowed you to get out of bed. That in itself is enough, is precious. It's not going to 'cure' you straight away and you will probably always need other sources of healing, so don't push yourself to feel anything other than what you feel. It is real and all it can be right now and all it needs to be.
quote:I'm fluctuating rapidly back and forth between "this is entirely my fault because I am so screwed up that I couldn't see of accept the hlp my T was giving me and had to make him the bad guy to save my own shattered ego" And "He has totally messed up boundaries and this is all his fault and I can't believe he would throw me away like a piece of garbage after taking my money and making himself feel good about his treatment of me for two years." I truly cannot figure out which one is true and I'm getting into a pretty anxious and incapcitated place about it.
Beebs, I think the reason that neither of these points of view work is that neither of them is true. Both points of view are about the situation being someone's fault, about who is entirely to blame for the situation. But people have very limited options, I believe. We can only understand or do, at any given time, what we have the resources to understand or do. Everything is given to us already by a combination of what we've had before (our previous experiences) and the chance of the moment. How could you have been or done anything more than you are? You couldn't. And your T - he has been trying too, but within the very limited and fallible understanding that has been given to him. As it turns out, this is not enough for you - your needs right now are for something different. You can't control that. It hurts like hell. But none of this is anything that could have been changed by you 'trying harder'. And your T could only have changed it by being a different person - one with the understandings and skills that DO meet your genuine needs. (And I agree with your H that T is just too disorganized for the kind of work that you need to do).
I notice you are urgently, desperately needing to take responsibility for this yourself - or perhaps more accurately, to take the blame of this for yourself. I think this is a trauma reaction, a survival reaction, and that's why it is something you are defending so hard right now (and why we saw dear TN defend it hard herself in a similar situation ((((TN))))). As I don't think you can control that reaction right now, I don't really want to argue it with you, but I do want to just bring it to your attention in a way that you can *see* it as a trauma reaction, and know that this is something that is a *feeling* - a feeling that can be allowed, but not a clear assessment of reality, and not the thing that should determine your actions to yourself now if you can help it. That knowing will have to come from a different part of you - not the injured child part, but the part that has age, wisdom, grace, spiritual connection, love of the self as part of the given world.
I know it can be hard to connect with that part, but you need it now as much as ever. If you can find ways to connect with it - music, a spiritual image, a particular prayer... please do, sweetheart.
With love,
Jones
Dear (((Beebs)))
You know i'm not talking much any more but with you!! I need to remind you of how much you have grown and now, maybe outgrown this T, and still think a 'consultT' face to face, could be very useful for you my friend! Everyone has given you wonderfi=ul support and advice and I offer my support and care also!!
Love
Morgs xx
You know i'm not talking much any more but with you!! I need to remind you of how much you have grown and now, maybe outgrown this T, and still think a 'consultT' face to face, could be very useful for you my friend! Everyone has given you wonderfi=ul support and advice and I offer my support and care also!!
Love
Morgs xx
((((((((((Bee Bee))))))))))
The way you are trying to figure out whose fault this is...oh, Beebers, it is EXACTLY what I did with my first T, the one who terminated with me. It is a truly dark and horribly painful place to be, and I am so sorry you are in this awful place right now. FWIW, I LOVED Jones' response to this dilemma and wholeheartedly believe that this is true for your situation, as it was for mine. I was not "bad" to have the needs I had, and my T was not "bad" for not being able to meet them...but for months afterward, I kept swinging back and forth between the conviction of one, and then the other. As you are doing, I favored the side of it being all my fault...and as Jones also said, I can see now that this was a trauma/survival reaction...it was also explained to me that if it was all my fault, then at least I could have control over it, rather than facing the painful truth of someone else's inability to meet my needs, which I have no control over...but it was impossible to see through it when I was in the middle of it, as you are right now.
I don't know how apparent my difficulties were to others on this board at the time, because I more or less went into "hiding" by confiding most of this to only one person in PMs (I tend to do that...pick one person to confide in...I don't know why). But all I could do was hang on and put one foot in front of the other and lean really, really heavily on this board, and especially on that one person. Eventually I came through it, but it didn't happen all at once. So I encourage you to just keep talking...and keep moving...even though it looks like the "end"...I really believe it is true for you, as it was true for me and others who have been through bad terminations with T's who didn't have what we needed...that this is truly only the "end" of something that wasn't good enough for you...and it is the beginning of your finding something that IS good enough...and it is out there, Beebers, it is, it is. You have told us before, we are smart cookies. Believe that now, okay?
I am also VERY happy to hear that your husband is stepping up and responding to you, even though you don't feel you can take it in. My DH did that for me, too, and even though it didn't cure or fix me, it certainly helped, and also made a big impression on me that I kept for later, it was something that "proved" to me, in a way, that he "really" "loves" me, something to hold on to when I feel like I can't take it in (which unfortunately is still a lot of the time).
Getting back to your T's limitations for just a second...something your DH said to you REALLY jumped out at me:
WOW. May I just say that your DH sounds like a very perceptive cookie? This is a HUGE red flag. Sweetie, I was ALWAYS having to be VERY "careful" of how I worded things with both my first and second male T's, because I always had this sense that if I said things "wrong", that I would hurt their feelings. And I did end up offending them, many times, even though I was trying SO HARD not to.
Hmmm, where did I have to do that before? Oh yeah, with my mother. She was hugely insecure about being a mother, besides having other problems at the time, and so, from the time I was born, she responded to my needs as personal insults or challenges to her, and responded in anger and defensiveness and shutting down and walking away. So, on a very preverbal and unconscious level, I must have learned how to "not have needs", or that my needs were bad. And so, I believe I'm sometimes drawn to people who present that same challenge...because that little-girl part of me sometimes still believes, if I just try hard enough, I'll get it right "this time".
I know it's SO HARD to let go of your T...you desperately want to believe if you just get it right, he'll be there for you...I wanted that too...I went back three more times after the termination, hoping, hoping, hoping that someone at that clinic would "see" me and be there for me...and when it didn't happen, it was so painful...but they really just didn't have what I needed...not because they were "bad", but just because they didn't happen to have it...and I DID find a T who had what I needed, even though I didn't believe they were out there...I just believed the people on here who had found someone who sounded like what I needed...I also believed my case was "different" and I wouldn't find someone like that...but I did...and so did TN...and Beebers, I just know you will, too, eventually, when you are ready to go there.
Just keep talking to us, keep talking to your DH...you're going to make it through this, fluttery feathery Bee Bee. Please know that you ARE seen here, and you are dearly loved, my friend.
Many gentle hugs,
SG
The way you are trying to figure out whose fault this is...oh, Beebers, it is EXACTLY what I did with my first T, the one who terminated with me. It is a truly dark and horribly painful place to be, and I am so sorry you are in this awful place right now. FWIW, I LOVED Jones' response to this dilemma and wholeheartedly believe that this is true for your situation, as it was for mine. I was not "bad" to have the needs I had, and my T was not "bad" for not being able to meet them...but for months afterward, I kept swinging back and forth between the conviction of one, and then the other. As you are doing, I favored the side of it being all my fault...and as Jones also said, I can see now that this was a trauma/survival reaction...it was also explained to me that if it was all my fault, then at least I could have control over it, rather than facing the painful truth of someone else's inability to meet my needs, which I have no control over...but it was impossible to see through it when I was in the middle of it, as you are right now.
I don't know how apparent my difficulties were to others on this board at the time, because I more or less went into "hiding" by confiding most of this to only one person in PMs (I tend to do that...pick one person to confide in...I don't know why). But all I could do was hang on and put one foot in front of the other and lean really, really heavily on this board, and especially on that one person. Eventually I came through it, but it didn't happen all at once. So I encourage you to just keep talking...and keep moving...even though it looks like the "end"...I really believe it is true for you, as it was true for me and others who have been through bad terminations with T's who didn't have what we needed...that this is truly only the "end" of something that wasn't good enough for you...and it is the beginning of your finding something that IS good enough...and it is out there, Beebers, it is, it is. You have told us before, we are smart cookies. Believe that now, okay?
I am also VERY happy to hear that your husband is stepping up and responding to you, even though you don't feel you can take it in. My DH did that for me, too, and even though it didn't cure or fix me, it certainly helped, and also made a big impression on me that I kept for later, it was something that "proved" to me, in a way, that he "really" "loves" me, something to hold on to when I feel like I can't take it in (which unfortunately is still a lot of the time).
Getting back to your T's limitations for just a second...something your DH said to you REALLY jumped out at me:
quote:My H has always said to be careful with how I word things with my T, or he will not be able to hear what I'm saying for having hurt feelings of his own.
WOW. May I just say that your DH sounds like a very perceptive cookie? This is a HUGE red flag. Sweetie, I was ALWAYS having to be VERY "careful" of how I worded things with both my first and second male T's, because I always had this sense that if I said things "wrong", that I would hurt their feelings. And I did end up offending them, many times, even though I was trying SO HARD not to.
Hmmm, where did I have to do that before? Oh yeah, with my mother. She was hugely insecure about being a mother, besides having other problems at the time, and so, from the time I was born, she responded to my needs as personal insults or challenges to her, and responded in anger and defensiveness and shutting down and walking away. So, on a very preverbal and unconscious level, I must have learned how to "not have needs", or that my needs were bad. And so, I believe I'm sometimes drawn to people who present that same challenge...because that little-girl part of me sometimes still believes, if I just try hard enough, I'll get it right "this time".
I know it's SO HARD to let go of your T...you desperately want to believe if you just get it right, he'll be there for you...I wanted that too...I went back three more times after the termination, hoping, hoping, hoping that someone at that clinic would "see" me and be there for me...and when it didn't happen, it was so painful...but they really just didn't have what I needed...not because they were "bad", but just because they didn't happen to have it...and I DID find a T who had what I needed, even though I didn't believe they were out there...I just believed the people on here who had found someone who sounded like what I needed...I also believed my case was "different" and I wouldn't find someone like that...but I did...and so did TN...and Beebers, I just know you will, too, eventually, when you are ready to go there.
Just keep talking to us, keep talking to your DH...you're going to make it through this, fluttery feathery Bee Bee. Please know that you ARE seen here, and you are dearly loved, my friend.
Many gentle hugs,
SG
You guys are great. I am totally wiped. The party was ok, I wa really spaced out for most of it, but everyone has gone home now and I am just *phew* so releived it is over.
I feel nothing today about T...totally balnk...nothing. It's a bit eerie. It could be ebcause I don't know what the outcome of our session will be.. I find it weird that sometimes it is terrible and other times it is like I feel nothing at all and am *totally* fine. I think part of me has *not* accepted at all that I will not be seeing him for a long time, and the other thing is unthinkable, and unfeelable, perhaps. but I do not know.
Anyway- I need to re-read your responses over again, because I am not coherent or able to focus and stay present enough to respond tonight, so I will have to come back, tomorrow. hugs to you, ((Kashley, Monte, Jones, Morgs and SG))
I feel nothing today about T...totally balnk...nothing. It's a bit eerie. It could be ebcause I don't know what the outcome of our session will be.. I find it weird that sometimes it is terrible and other times it is like I feel nothing at all and am *totally* fine. I think part of me has *not* accepted at all that I will not be seeing him for a long time, and the other thing is unthinkable, and unfeelable, perhaps. but I do not know.
Anyway- I need to re-read your responses over again, because I am not coherent or able to focus and stay present enough to respond tonight, so I will have to come back, tomorrow. hugs to you, ((Kashley, Monte, Jones, Morgs and SG))
Oh BB I don't have much to add as you have gotten so much wise input but just wanted to say I'm sorry for your pain and that you are in my thoughts and prayers. And if I may add to the chorus, this isn't your fault.
I'm trying to formulate a response, but I'm having troubles since I don't want it to turn into Monty Python episode where it's like "It's my fault!" "-No, it's not!" "Yes it is!" -No it's not" Yesitisnoitsnotyesitisnoitsnot...Yes it is! Not it's not!
I feel that I am not getting something crucial that my T has been trying to transmit to me, and that is "my fault." I feel my resistances are blocking it, and that he isn't sure what to do with me. I feel he does not fully accept my attachment to him and that has been very painful for me.
It's like, say you are in a relationship that is not working out. You love the person deeply, but you *know* that they don't love you. (Like me as growing up with my parents, say) The person is too tricky and too scared of hurting you badly to tell you that it isn't working out and that they do not love you, so even though *you* are the one who wants to stay together, *you* end up being the one who has to break it off. (like me moving thousands of miles away from home and not being in contact with my family anymore very much) Everybody keep pretending that all is ok, and that everybody loves everybody else, but the reality, is that nobody can really love anybody under these circumstances. I had this all the time with boyfriends. And guess what? I recreated the same thing in my marriage, and then I recreated it with my T. Therapy will be like that for me everywhere because the bottom line is that every T charges money. There is no such thing as unconditional love, and I have to stop expecting to find it. As I read somewhere recently "it is not reasonable to expect others to love you unconditionally." Because in my RL relationships, I *expect* unconditional love, just like a little kid does, and it just doesn't work that way.
So- I am confused.
***triggers for a little bit of sexual discussion**
Maybe this should be in the intimate issues thread, but I don't have access to there and I don't really want to have access to there, because of these issues, among other things I guess. So don't read this unless you are ok with it, alright sweeties?
I mean...with my H, it's like- I can't accept what he offers me emotionally, because it makes me feel really guilty that I have *no* sexual feelings for him at all, or whatever feelings I might have are deeply buried and cannot surface. So I soak up whatever caring he gives me just like a little kid would, but that is not really what he is offering me, you know, so it is kind of a lie. So I can't let it in, I just kind of allow him to hold me but feel, like yucky and guilty all at once, even about just a hug. So I pull away from him, and don't let it in because what I need just doesn't match what he's offering- I just don't really know how to connect with that aspect of our relationship, and for him that aspect is *always* present and it scares the hell out of me. (Yeah, I know- how did I get two kids again, you ask? I have my good friend, Denial-of -my-true feelings, to thank- that's my answer) I wish I could have talked of this with my T, and my H together, it was at the core of it all- but I was so scared to that most of the time I can't even remember how much this bothers me. Now I guess it is too late, and besides my T would probably think I am manipulating him in a sneaky way to get him to meet my childish needs for emotional connection with a father figure met. I just don't feel ok. I feel like a kid in an adult body, and it's not a great situation when one is married. I don't know what it means. I have no memeories of being abused in that way at all, so who knows where it comes from.
**************
Aglet, thanks for your response- I know I'm not supposed to think it's my fault, but- I do. It's just like- feelings and beliefs, and I can't let them go, even though I rationally understand why I am supposed to not be taking the balme here. The problem is that I need a *therapist* to help me explore these kind of feelings and let that kind of thinking go, and you know, I don't really have one, I guess, even though I thought I did.
yarg. I totally love you guys. I wish I could respond individually, to each of you instead of so generically- I just want you to know I've read and reread, and mull over all your responses and they mean a lot and are helpful to me. And mostly your friendship, that you would care to respond and show your care for me. It's *me* who just cna't respond very well back to what's been said. Just like I can't with my T.
Hugs,
BB
I feel that I am not getting something crucial that my T has been trying to transmit to me, and that is "my fault." I feel my resistances are blocking it, and that he isn't sure what to do with me. I feel he does not fully accept my attachment to him and that has been very painful for me.
It's like, say you are in a relationship that is not working out. You love the person deeply, but you *know* that they don't love you. (Like me as growing up with my parents, say) The person is too tricky and too scared of hurting you badly to tell you that it isn't working out and that they do not love you, so even though *you* are the one who wants to stay together, *you* end up being the one who has to break it off. (like me moving thousands of miles away from home and not being in contact with my family anymore very much) Everybody keep pretending that all is ok, and that everybody loves everybody else, but the reality, is that nobody can really love anybody under these circumstances. I had this all the time with boyfriends. And guess what? I recreated the same thing in my marriage, and then I recreated it with my T. Therapy will be like that for me everywhere because the bottom line is that every T charges money.
There is no such thing as unconditional love, and I have to stop expecting to find it. As I read somewhere recently "it is not reasonable to expect others to love you unconditionally." Because in my RL relationships, I *expect* unconditional love, just like a little kid does, and it just doesn't work that way.So- I am confused.
***triggers for a little bit of sexual discussion**
Maybe this should be in the intimate issues thread, but I don't have access to there and I don't really want to have access to there, because of these issues, among other things I guess. So don't read this unless you are ok with it, alright sweeties?
I mean...with my H, it's like- I can't accept what he offers me emotionally, because it makes me feel really guilty that I have *no* sexual feelings for him at all, or whatever feelings I might have are deeply buried and cannot surface. So I soak up whatever caring he gives me just like a little kid would, but that is not really what he is offering me, you know, so it is kind of a lie. So I can't let it in, I just kind of allow him to hold me but feel, like yucky and guilty all at once, even about just a hug. So I pull away from him, and don't let it in because what I need just doesn't match what he's offering- I just don't really know how to connect with that aspect of our relationship, and for him that aspect is *always* present and it scares the hell out of me. (Yeah, I know- how did I get two kids again, you ask? I have my good friend, Denial-of -my-true feelings, to thank- that's my answer) I wish I could have talked of this with my T, and my H together, it was at the core of it all- but I was so scared to that most of the time I can't even remember how much this bothers me. Now I guess it is too late, and besides my T would probably think I am manipulating him in a sneaky way to get him to meet my childish needs for emotional connection with a father figure met. I just don't feel ok. I feel like a kid in an adult body, and it's not a great situation when one is married. I don't know what it means. I have no memeories of being abused in that way at all, so who knows where it comes from.
**************
Aglet, thanks for your response- I know I'm not supposed to think it's my fault, but- I do. It's just like- feelings and beliefs, and I can't let them go, even though I rationally understand why I am supposed to not be taking the balme here. The problem is that I need a *therapist* to help me explore these kind of feelings and let that kind of thinking go, and you know, I don't really have one, I guess, even though I thought I did.
yarg. I totally love you guys. I wish I could respond individually, to each of you instead of so generically- I just want you to know I've read and reread, and mull over all your responses and they mean a lot and are helpful to me. And mostly your friendship, that you would care to respond and show your care for me. It's *me* who just cna't respond very well back to what's been said. Just like I can't with my T.
Hugs,
BB
quote:Beebs, I think the reason that neither of these points of view work is that neither of them is true. Both points of view are about the situation being someone's fault, about who is entirely to blame for the situation. But people have very limited options, I believe. We can only understand or do, at any given time, what we have the resources to understand or do.
This makes a lot of sense- I guess I do a lot of black and white type thinking, and I find the middle area like this really hard to access Jones. thanks or putting it so well.
SG:
quote:WOW. May I just say that your DH sounds like a very perceptive cookie? This is a HUGE red flag. Sweetie, I was ALWAYS having to be VERY "careful" of how I worded things with both my first and second male T's, because I always had this sense that if I said things "wrong", that I would hurt their feelings. And I did end up offending them, many times, even though I was trying SO HARD not to.
You know what is curious SG- is that I actually tolld my T I was doing that once, and that my H told me to do that. He seemed totally clued in and things were kinda better after that, I thought, but he swore that he wasn't making it about his feelings, just reiterated and said that no, he does his own work, and he keeps himself out of it, and that it is just my trust issues that are making me feel that way.
???
Kashley:
quote:Just store it away, but think of it occasionally, and maybe in a moment of 'weakness' you'll let yourself find ways to experience all of the great things in life that you so fully deserve. And maybe the first impulse in that moment of weakness will be searching for a new T? Wink
you sound like my SD. I won;t have him around much longer, but I met him tonight and told him what is going on, and he said, that I need to be in therapy, and that he has really mixed feelings about my T, that some stuff sounds really really good, but alot of things really give him pause and cause for concern. He said maybe, my T has just taken me as far as he can and it is time for me to find someone else. But I don't know. I do trust my SD...he is so smart, and gosh I can tell that man *anything* and he doesn't even flinch. But it will never be about the relationship, you know- it just isn't and can't and hasn't been that. There is a boundary there with him, and that is we talk only of what has to do with my relationship with God, even if it is a removed kind of thing, it relates back to it in some way, learning how to love myself and primarily how to let love in, is his focus with me. So I just could never get angry at him, or have that type of real thingy- whatever it is. It's just not like that because I don't pay him, and he is so loving all the time how could I ever get mad at him, for example, or feel anything but respect and grateful towards him, which is good too, but it's not the same thing.
TN:
quote:Let me ask you Beebs.... do you think it was my fault that my oldT got rid of me? Do you feel I should be examining my intentions and that I did things all wrong and deserved to be abandoned? Do you think if I just worked a little bit harder I could have made that therapy a success? Was it my fault that I couldn't figure out how to do therapy with oldT? You must believe all of that about me... because you believe it about you.
TN, of course not- I know what you are getting at. I do not think that about you, but a part of me has some kind of set-in-stone way of thinking that will not let go. I just should have been able to *do it right* and it is myfault, because my T is awesome and perfect.
Monte:
quote:While clearly shaken to the core by all this, as much as you can let your husband step up and meet your needs just now. He can/t meet them all, but you - and he - may be surprised at what he is able to offer you.
I am trying, Monte. I really am. It is difficult because I do not feel deserving of the care he shows me right now, at all, but I am at least kind of allowing it instead of be so angry and push him away all the time. That's better, right?
SG, again:
quote:I was not "bad" to have the needs I had, and my T was not "bad" for not being able to meet them...but for months afterward, I kept swinging back and forth between the conviction of one, and then the other. As you are doing, I favored the side of it being all my fault...and as Jones also said, I can see now that this was a trauma/survival reaction...it was also explained to me that if it was all my fault, then at least I could have control over it, rather than facing the painful truth of someone else's inability to meet my needs, which I have no control over...but it was impossible to see through it when I was in the middle of it, as you are right now. Frowner Frowner
Wow, you know, I just remembered that I when I married my H I went back and forth for two years on did he love me or was he evil and manipulative and trying to hurt me... and it feels exactly the same way with my T situation as it did back then with my "should I get married to H" situation...
Thanks for bearing withme guys, sorry all the quotes it's just ehy help me to fcus a bit on what I wanted to say. Two days left until the last session, and *still* don't know if I should even keep it or not...I just can't decide if it would be better to do what my H says , and cancel now. T won't care what I do.
BB
If you keep your session or decide to cancel, you know I'm behind you either way. I think I'm just worried that you may feel even more hurt than you already are because of things your T may or may not say. Of course, I really don't know him, so I may as well make a wild guess. Oh, and let me try and take a little pressure off of you about whether or not it's your fault:
Your T is NOT perfect. And I don't want to offend, but I don't think he's awesome either. I know there is a gigantic difference between knowing and believing, but I couldn't help myself.
Much love to you BB.
quote:I just should have been able to *do it right* and it is myfault, because my T is awesome and perfect.
Your T is NOT perfect. And I don't want to offend, but I don't think he's awesome either. I know there is a gigantic difference between knowing and believing, but I couldn't help myself.
Much love to you BB.
((((BB))))) Just wanted to offer some hugs here.
Thank you Monte, Kashley and Yaku.
I just did something really stupid. I sent the email I wrote to my T, and that was just so dumb.
Tomorrow is the last day I'll see him and now he has this stupid long email sitting there that he will never have the time to read, and I can't afford anyway- and arg, I want to cancel this appointment.
I just did something really stupid. I sent the email I wrote to my T, and that was just so dumb.
Tomorrow is the last day I'll see him and now he has this stupid long email sitting there that he will never have the time to read, and I can't afford anyway- and arg, I want to cancel this appointment.
(((BB))) I agree with Monte here. Not a stupid move. I hope your T will read it and you can come out of your session tomorrow with clarity.
Beebs, it was okay to write the email and send it. I hope it helped you in some way to write it all down. I hope your T knows what to do with all that you told him and he handles things with professional care and kindness.
Good luck tomorrow. I'll be thinking of you. Please share when you feel up to it.
Hugs
TN
Good luck tomorrow. I'll be thinking of you. Please share when you feel up to it.
Hugs
TN
((((BB))))
Good luck tomorrow! Will be thinking of you.
Liese
Good luck tomorrow! Will be thinking of you.
Liese
BB,
It was definitely okay to write and send the email and I hope that it helped you to write it. Good luck tomorrow. I'll be thinking of you and holding you close. (((hugs)))
It was definitely okay to write and send the email and I hope that it helped you to write it. Good luck tomorrow. I'll be thinking of you and holding you close. (((hugs)))
Thanks you guys... I heard back a relaly nice response from him, but I will still take the break for indefinate period of time, as T just does not have the time, for me, I can see, to meet weekly with me. He is too busy for that he syas he is tightly booked and has conferences that he must attend, and cannot even respond to my email the way he wants to. It is a question of, that T does not have the time, I think...he is very busy and I am not so improtnat that I could fit into that, I don't think.
I will meet him in few hours...can't s;eep, had a performance tonight and party at my house after and feeling a bit weird like *why* can I do *that* in the middle of *this...* ???
So weird.
hugs,
BB
I will meet him in few hours...can't s;eep, had a performance tonight and party at my house after and feeling a bit weird like *why* can I do *that* in the middle of *this...* ???
So weird.
hugs,
BB
((((BB)))))
Thinking and praying desperately for you BB. Endless hugs to you.
((((Beebs))))
thinking of you - unfortunately you're instincts were right - he doesn't have the time and can't make the time!!! hope this last session, if only for a while, is of use to you my friend!!! we're all here for you.
Love, Morgs xx
thinking of you - unfortunately you're instincts were right - he doesn't have the time and can't make the time!!! hope this last session, if only for a while, is of use to you my friend!!! we're all here for you.
Love, Morgs xx
(((BB))) Thinking of you this morning.
hugs, love,
BB
BB
Thanks you for caring my friends. Thank you for holding me STRMS, I could really feel that.
This is long, so I am sorry. Well, it is over. At least for awhile. I had decided to ask my H to come to the session to help make an important decision about my daughter's schooling. I was not able to handle the idea of a "goodbye" session, and this came up in our last individual session, and T had said it would be good for me to address this issue with my H in a session with him, so I thought I would try that. But it felt like we were just talking about stuff that had been already pretty much resolved- there was a nice moment when my h apologized to me for being judgemental, and we kind of hugged, and it felt sincere and real. My h has been much more supportive and kind to me lately and more forgiving of my huge flaws, and I know that is largely due to the work my T has done with him, that seeped in. I am grateful for that, and I think it is nice to have some kind of alliance between us, with him potentially helping me out of tough places, instead of kicking me in there further…but I don’t know how long it will last.
But, I am hurting badly. It just hurts...idk. I still have a very hard time letting in my H's care. I know people say "yes you are doing" but my emotional experience is that I am not. Even My SD who always tries to point out the positive- has validated this to me…he says that he suspects that I feel so unworthy and despicable deep down inside, that it hurts when my H is loving to me, and I can’t let it be true, so I try to find ways to make it that he does not love me. This seemed true. Then on the other hand, my T seems to say that my H is not being loving to me, and that it makes me take the blame for what is wrong all on myself- I don’t really know how to sort these two different concepts, and my brain just kinda shorts out and gives up trying to figure out which one is true. I had always thought I had an incredibly loving and supportive H until my T said some things that made me doubt it. I am allowing h’s care to some extent but I just feel walled off in another sense, that I cannot really explain very well. It hurts. I feel angry, I think, it must be anger- and disconnected again, especially from my kids, and constantly on the verge of tears that isn’t a great feeling, like being sick to my stomach. I know, another T- but, I need a break from T’s and their painful indifference.
There is something about when I felt connected to my T, that I would suddenly feel connected to the love deep inside for my kids, and I could actually experience it in a normal way, instead of going through the motions. It was heavenly. I swear that even, I looked physically different- people could tell something was different. I felt confident and able to love. That connection is broken now, and I look in the mirror and see that same grey person that has always looked back at me every morning. I know that people will say that I will find again, even without my T, and to lean on my H, which I am trying sincerely to do- but I cannot believe that right now. It was a very intense feeling of being parented and having something inside of myself from him to bring back to my kids and my H from that experience, and it was very specific to the tenderness I felt at times from *my* particular T. His way of being with me. I don't know what I did wrong to lose it for so long now, but I'm not sure if that part of me is around anymore, or it has taken off for good.
I just feel sorry for my kids. Kids are so connected emotionally you know? They can tell. I can put on an act, but they know when the loving feelings are not there, they sense it, and then they begin to act out, and it spirals down pretty quick. cartoons are on today, and I hate that, I hate myself when I do this. I am going to lie down on the couch and hope that while they watch this show next to me, I will be able to sleep a bit, and maybe if I wake up I'll be different again.
I was very surprised, that my H was quite assertive with my T, and said- “We may need you again- in the fall perhaps, if other solutions haven’t been found- you are a lifeline to bring BB out of a very bad place at times, and we may need you again.” Then there was some talk about weekly sessions versus bi-weekly, longer sessions, and my T said that he often has to leave me in a bad painful place if I do not have a longer session with him, so that it has been a dilemma, whether to have weekly short sessions, or bi-weekly long ones. It felt so good to have my H involved in the discussion. He also said that it is “no problem” and that I am always welcome to come back, “anytime.” But I could feel him stiffen when my H advocated the weekly session thing, and T asked me if that is what I would want if I come back, and I said I think so, but I am not sure, and I just need a break. He said there will be times when he cannot do weekly session, and made it sound infrequent- but the reality has been that he very rarely can go even a full month with making time in his schedule for me to give me regular weekly support…
The other concern that I have, is that I had sent him this long email, telling him my concerns and he sent a nice response that only addressed the surface issues and said that he needs one to two hours to read and respond to it that "sorry about that, but he is "tightly booked" and will not have time available for my email for the next three weeks." So, it is a good thing that I am taking this break, because I was going to have to go at least three weeks without a session after this one anyway, it appears. At least it was kind of my choice, or…(?)
I am upset that I will now be spending the first three weeks of my "break" awaiting a reply from him, that I may never even receive…it is very likely that he will forget all about it and never respond to that email, anyway, even though I said I would pay him for his time on it- and I do not have it in me to remind him about me, yet again, as that has not worked in the past- so I just have to let that go and try not to think about it, I guess, but it is a bad way to start this break, still unempowered and forgotten. It felt good when I was the one who decided to take the reins and say enough of feeling forgotten, non-existent, and helpless, at least for awhile. So I’m kind of feeling a bit sick about that, it feels like I said “I am going to allow myslef to take a break from this pain” which was so hard to let myself do- and he responded with “I was going to be unavailable anyway.” You know? Idk what I am trying to say.
Ugh.
I need to find a way out of this sludge I am in. SD says that I need a therapist, and that he does not mind if I quit with this one, as long as I find someone else.
I just don’t want to, I don’t believe in anyone else.
I’m done with therapy for now.
Thanks for listening and reading if you’ve got this far. Thanks for all your care and support.
BB
This is long, so I am sorry. Well, it is over. At least for awhile. I had decided to ask my H to come to the session to help make an important decision about my daughter's schooling. I was not able to handle the idea of a "goodbye" session, and this came up in our last individual session, and T had said it would be good for me to address this issue with my H in a session with him, so I thought I would try that. But it felt like we were just talking about stuff that had been already pretty much resolved- there was a nice moment when my h apologized to me for being judgemental, and we kind of hugged, and it felt sincere and real. My h has been much more supportive and kind to me lately and more forgiving of my huge flaws, and I know that is largely due to the work my T has done with him, that seeped in. I am grateful for that, and I think it is nice to have some kind of alliance between us, with him potentially helping me out of tough places, instead of kicking me in there further…but I don’t know how long it will last.
But, I am hurting badly. It just hurts...idk. I still have a very hard time letting in my H's care. I know people say "yes you are doing" but my emotional experience is that I am not. Even My SD who always tries to point out the positive- has validated this to me…he says that he suspects that I feel so unworthy and despicable deep down inside, that it hurts when my H is loving to me, and I can’t let it be true, so I try to find ways to make it that he does not love me. This seemed true. Then on the other hand, my T seems to say that my H is not being loving to me, and that it makes me take the blame for what is wrong all on myself- I don’t really know how to sort these two different concepts, and my brain just kinda shorts out and gives up trying to figure out which one is true. I had always thought I had an incredibly loving and supportive H until my T said some things that made me doubt it. I am allowing h’s care to some extent but I just feel walled off in another sense, that I cannot really explain very well. It hurts. I feel angry, I think, it must be anger- and disconnected again, especially from my kids, and constantly on the verge of tears that isn’t a great feeling, like being sick to my stomach. I know, another T- but, I need a break from T’s and their painful indifference.
There is something about when I felt connected to my T, that I would suddenly feel connected to the love deep inside for my kids, and I could actually experience it in a normal way, instead of going through the motions. It was heavenly. I swear that even, I looked physically different- people could tell something was different. I felt confident and able to love. That connection is broken now, and I look in the mirror and see that same grey person that has always looked back at me every morning. I know that people will say that I will find again, even without my T, and to lean on my H, which I am trying sincerely to do- but I cannot believe that right now. It was a very intense feeling of being parented and having something inside of myself from him to bring back to my kids and my H from that experience, and it was very specific to the tenderness I felt at times from *my* particular T. His way of being with me. I don't know what I did wrong to lose it for so long now, but I'm not sure if that part of me is around anymore, or it has taken off for good.
I just feel sorry for my kids. Kids are so connected emotionally you know? They can tell. I can put on an act, but they know when the loving feelings are not there, they sense it, and then they begin to act out, and it spirals down pretty quick. cartoons are on today, and I hate that, I hate myself when I do this. I am going to lie down on the couch and hope that while they watch this show next to me, I will be able to sleep a bit, and maybe if I wake up I'll be different again.
I was very surprised, that my H was quite assertive with my T, and said- “We may need you again- in the fall perhaps, if other solutions haven’t been found- you are a lifeline to bring BB out of a very bad place at times, and we may need you again.” Then there was some talk about weekly sessions versus bi-weekly, longer sessions, and my T said that he often has to leave me in a bad painful place if I do not have a longer session with him, so that it has been a dilemma, whether to have weekly short sessions, or bi-weekly long ones. It felt so good to have my H involved in the discussion. He also said that it is “no problem” and that I am always welcome to come back, “anytime.” But I could feel him stiffen when my H advocated the weekly session thing, and T asked me if that is what I would want if I come back, and I said I think so, but I am not sure, and I just need a break. He said there will be times when he cannot do weekly session, and made it sound infrequent- but the reality has been that he very rarely can go even a full month with making time in his schedule for me to give me regular weekly support…
The other concern that I have, is that I had sent him this long email, telling him my concerns and he sent a nice response that only addressed the surface issues and said that he needs one to two hours to read and respond to it that "sorry about that, but he is "tightly booked" and will not have time available for my email for the next three weeks." So, it is a good thing that I am taking this break, because I was going to have to go at least three weeks without a session after this one anyway, it appears. At least it was kind of my choice, or…(?)
I am upset that I will now be spending the first three weeks of my "break" awaiting a reply from him, that I may never even receive…it is very likely that he will forget all about it and never respond to that email, anyway, even though I said I would pay him for his time on it- and I do not have it in me to remind him about me, yet again, as that has not worked in the past- so I just have to let that go and try not to think about it, I guess, but it is a bad way to start this break, still unempowered and forgotten. It felt good when I was the one who decided to take the reins and say enough of feeling forgotten, non-existent, and helpless, at least for awhile. So I’m kind of feeling a bit sick about that, it feels like I said “I am going to allow myslef to take a break from this pain” which was so hard to let myself do- and he responded with “I was going to be unavailable anyway.” You know? Idk what I am trying to say.
Ugh.
I need to find a way out of this sludge I am in. SD says that I need a therapist, and that he does not mind if I quit with this one, as long as I find someone else.
I just don’t want to, I don’t believe in anyone else.
I’m done with therapy for now.
Thanks for listening and reading if you’ve got this far. Thanks for all your care and support.
BB
quote:So I’m kind of feeling a bit sick about that, it feels like I said “I am going to allow myslef to take a break from this pain” which was so hard to let myself do- and he responded with “I was going to be unavailable anyway.” You know?
Oh, BB. (((hugs))) I'm sorry. I'm glad you are getting more support and validation from your H, and taking care of you if a break is what you need, but I really wish your "T" got it or you felt comfortable finding another T. can understand not being able to do that, though...completely. ((((more hugs))))
AWw BB,
I know what you mean about how confusing it gets about your H, whether he's and you are unable to feel it OR he is not loving enough. I get confused on that issue too. It's a tough one. I can't blame you for not being able to see that one clearly. Try not to put too much pressure on yourself to decipher that one right away.
I too also know what you mean about the little ones. They are so perceptive and pick up when we are there for them or not. Just hang in there and try to do the best you can for now. It's all you can do. They will be fine. They are resilient.
I don't know why your T can't seem to accommodate your need for weekly sessions. It's very sad when things don't work out. I'm so sorry. I understand your need for a break, truly I do, but hopefully after a time, you might feel as though you could start again with someone in person. It might make such a big difference to you, to have someone there in the flesh, as scary as it might seem.
I know what you mean about how confusing it gets about your H, whether he's and you are unable to feel it OR he is not loving enough. I get confused on that issue too. It's a tough one. I can't blame you for not being able to see that one clearly. Try not to put too much pressure on yourself to decipher that one right away.
I too also know what you mean about the little ones. They are so perceptive and pick up when we are there for them or not. Just hang in there and try to do the best you can for now. It's all you can do. They will be fine. They are resilient.
I don't know why your T can't seem to accommodate your need for weekly sessions. It's very sad when things don't work out. I'm so sorry. I understand your need for a break, truly I do, but hopefully after a time, you might feel as though you could start again with someone in person. It might make such a big difference to you, to have someone there in the flesh, as scary as it might seem.
Dearest Beebs,
I'm so sorry for your pain, hurt, disappointment and fear. You are going through a huge amount of upheaval and grief in this and I wish I could take it away, or at least help to hold you through it.
Beebs I know this kind of in-between thinking is difficult for you right now - I think it is always harder when we are under pressure. But I wonder if it is that a bit of both of those are true. [It's ok if you can't take in the next bit right now - more on why below.] It is hard to feel your husband loves you and easier to believe he doesn't love you - because he doesn't always know how to love you well. So when he fails you, and doesn't act in your best interest, it is easier to think that he chooses not to love you, and that you are unlovable - rather than that he loves you but is flawed himself and needs to learn better skills. It would be very scary to think that he loves you but isn't in control of whether he hurts you or not.
At first reading what you wrote about your confusion about your husband I didn't understand why it feels very pressing *now* (though I know how crucially important it is in general). But thinking about it I think I understand, Beebs, that with the breakdown of the relationship with your T, your heart and wellbeing is necessarily, to some degree, entrusted to your husband. It would be very, very frightening not to know if he is trustworthy or not. I also see a lot of the same feelings happening around your T and around your H - the last three sentences of my last paragraph might perhaps apply to either of them.
You have mentioned 'black-and-white thinking' before and by my understanding this is something that comes up strongly for people when they are depressed, and also when they are frightened. It is part of what helps us motivate to get away from danger. When we are emotionally overloaded our brains can't cope with figuring out in-between stuff - we short out. Because our energy is in the basic survival stuff, there is no room for fine distinctions.
So I just want to say THAT IS OKAY. It is okay to not be able to cope with anything beyond the basics right now. Just give yourself time and basic physical care. Eat, sleep, do the very basic necessities with the kids. Breathe, drink water. And let your system rebalance for now.
If you can, think of your SD and his words, and how he has lived up to your trust in him. There are people like this in the world, Beebs, and more of them will enter your life.
I have to go but I'm thinking of you and sending you much love.
Jones.
I'm so sorry for your pain, hurt, disappointment and fear. You are going through a huge amount of upheaval and grief in this and I wish I could take it away, or at least help to hold you through it.
quote:Even My SD who always tries to point out the positive- has validated this to me…he says that he suspects that I feel so unworthy and despicable deep down inside, that it hurts when my H is loving to me, and I can’t let it be true, so I try to find ways to make it that he does not love me. This seemed true. Then on the other hand, my T seems to say that my H is not being loving to me, and that it makes me take the blame for what is wrong all on myself- I don’t really know how to sort these two different concepts, and my brain just kinda shorts out and gives up trying to figure out which one is true.
Beebs I know this kind of in-between thinking is difficult for you right now - I think it is always harder when we are under pressure. But I wonder if it is that a bit of both of those are true. [It's ok if you can't take in the next bit right now - more on why below.] It is hard to feel your husband loves you and easier to believe he doesn't love you - because he doesn't always know how to love you well. So when he fails you, and doesn't act in your best interest, it is easier to think that he chooses not to love you, and that you are unlovable - rather than that he loves you but is flawed himself and needs to learn better skills. It would be very scary to think that he loves you but isn't in control of whether he hurts you or not.
At first reading what you wrote about your confusion about your husband I didn't understand why it feels very pressing *now* (though I know how crucially important it is in general). But thinking about it I think I understand, Beebs, that with the breakdown of the relationship with your T, your heart and wellbeing is necessarily, to some degree, entrusted to your husband. It would be very, very frightening not to know if he is trustworthy or not. I also see a lot of the same feelings happening around your T and around your H - the last three sentences of my last paragraph might perhaps apply to either of them.
You have mentioned 'black-and-white thinking' before and by my understanding this is something that comes up strongly for people when they are depressed, and also when they are frightened. It is part of what helps us motivate to get away from danger. When we are emotionally overloaded our brains can't cope with figuring out in-between stuff - we short out. Because our energy is in the basic survival stuff, there is no room for fine distinctions.
So I just want to say THAT IS OKAY. It is okay to not be able to cope with anything beyond the basics right now. Just give yourself time and basic physical care. Eat, sleep, do the very basic necessities with the kids. Breathe, drink water. And let your system rebalance for now.
If you can, think of your SD and his words, and how he has lived up to your trust in him. There are people like this in the world, Beebs, and more of them will enter your life.
I have to go but I'm thinking of you and sending you much love.
Jones.
I'm sorry this is so hard, Beebs. I don't know what to add to what's already been said so well...but this picture "says" something that I wish for you...
SG
I don't know what to add to what's already been said so well...but this picture "says" something that I wish for you... SG
Oh, BB. I am so sorry you are hurting so much. I too wish I could just take it away. I just want to say that I agree with everything Jones said. Especially that it's okay if you can't cope beyond basics right now. Much, much love to you BB and know that we are always here for you.
((((Beebs)))) I'm sorry. You're in my prayers, my dear.
Thank you so much, each of you- Yaku, Liese, Monte, Jones, SG, Kashley and AG- I am struggling with the response, but I want to say thank you, and I will be back to this thread when I can think, again.
SG, I love the picture- thank you so much it expresses perfectly what I long for from my T, (and my H too, what is *that* about??) and that has helped to alleviate some of the shame at feeling like he must think I am after something else. I don't really know how to be in a sexual relationship in a healthy way, and it is all tied in with what I want from my H and what he offers me and what I want from my T and what he does/doesn't offer me- I just don't like the grown up variety of relationships, but it's all mixed up in me. I was hoping to "grow up" emotionally in therapy to the point where I would be able to offer my H an adult relationship with me, rather than going around feeling hurt and resentful at not being taken care of by him like a child wants to be all the time, which is still causing me tremendous guilt and pain since I *know* that isn't reasonable to expect in a marriage. ick. There must be a way out of it.
Thank you dear Jones. I will try to accept this and do it, without the guilt, but it is hard.
Love
BB
SG, I love the picture- thank you so much it expresses perfectly what I long for from my T, (and my H too, what is *that* about??) and that has helped to alleviate some of the shame at feeling like he must think I am after something else. I don't really know how to be in a sexual relationship in a healthy way, and it is all tied in with what I want from my H and what he offers me and what I want from my T and what he does/doesn't offer me- I just don't like the grown up variety of relationships, but it's all mixed up in me. I was hoping to "grow up" emotionally in therapy to the point where I would be able to offer my H an adult relationship with me, rather than going around feeling hurt and resentful at not being taken care of by him like a child wants to be all the time, which is still causing me tremendous guilt and pain since I *know* that isn't reasonable to expect in a marriage. ick. There must be a way out of it.
quote:So I just want to say THAT IS OKAY. It is okay to not be able to cope with anything beyond the basics right now. Just give yourself time and basic physical care. Eat, sleep, do the very basic necessities with the kids. Breathe, drink water. And let your system rebalance for now.
If you can, think of your SD and his words, and how he has lived up to your trust in him.
Thank you dear Jones. I will try to accept this and do it, without the guilt, but it is hard.
Love
BB
dear BB,
i've been thinking about you and i hope you're doing ok in this tough and brave journey you've chosen. i think it is good that it was your decision, even though it was probably a forced decision in lots of ways.
i dont really have any words of wisdom when i had my break (also self imposed, but for different reasons - just wanted to go on an adventure by myself), it was really hard but i coped. that is when i joined this forum and its been the most amazing coping resource i found. while it was hard not having the support of my T, it was also beneficial to have a break and just be with myself - it made me realize quite a few things about myself. i hope you keep writing here and get the support and care that you need. i also hope that you can continue to accept care from your husband as well, sounds like he can handle it, just worry about yourself for now.
theres no need to respond, just wanted to say that i was thinking of you. take care,
puppet
i've been thinking about you and i hope you're doing ok in this tough and brave journey you've chosen. i think it is good that it was your decision, even though it was probably a forced decision in lots of ways.
i dont really have any words of wisdom
when i had my break (also self imposed, but for different reasons - just wanted to go on an adventure by myself), it was really hard but i coped. that is when i joined this forum and its been the most amazing coping resource i found. while it was hard not having the support of my T, it was also beneficial to have a break and just be with myself - it made me realize quite a few things about myself. i hope you keep writing here and get the support and care that you need. i also hope that you can continue to accept care from your husband as well, sounds like he can handle it, just worry about yourself for now.theres no need to respond, just wanted to say that i was thinking of you. take care,
puppet
Thanks Puppet. I absolutely love your name, btw, and I like saying it very much, too- it makes me feel like Mrs. Doubtfire. thanks for being kind...the words of encouragement really help. I guess it was just time, and I was avoiding the inevitable.
I'm just breathing at this point...that and drinking water, as Jones wisely suggested.
I hope your situation is going to improve...I really feel for you, Puppet.
BB
thanks for being kind...the words of encouragement really help. I guess it was just time, and I was avoiding the inevitable. I'm just breathing at this point...that and drinking water, as Jones wisely suggested.
I hope your situation is going to improve...I really feel for you, Puppet.
BB
(((((((bb))))))))
((((Beebs)))
Thinking of you, Beebs. ((((((((BB)))))))))
((blackbird)) you are too sweet!
i really feel for you too and i feel like i am the lucky one, i have hope, so dont worry about me, look after your ruffled feathery self for now!
i dont think i've seen mrs doubtfire, i might have to take it out and watch it. i chose the name for a few reasons, it has both positive and negative connotations: a close and dear relative used to call me that (similar) when i was young and also i feel like a puppet on strings a lot of the time, controlled by others and i also feel hollow inside. so thats how the name came to mind.
hope you're keeping busy and coping allright. good to see you on the forum.
hugs,
puppet
i really feel for you too and i feel like i am the lucky one, i have hope, so dont worry about me, look after your ruffled feathery self for now!
i dont think i've seen mrs doubtfire, i might have to take it out and watch it. i chose the name for a few reasons, it has both positive and negative connotations: a close and dear relative used to call me that (similar) when i was young and also i feel like a puppet on strings a lot of the time, controlled by others and i also feel hollow inside. so thats how the name came to mind.
hope you're keeping busy and coping allright. good to see you on the forum.
hugs,
puppet