HUGE SIGH OF RELIEF.

I saw T1 today after a two week break, and it went really well. This is actually the first time in a very long time that I left therapy feeling clear-headed and hopeful. I am so glad that I am seeing this through and addressing the transference and trauma issues with a different therapist. The transference has been such a block between me and my current T that I haven't allowed myself to FEEL in therapy. I haven't allowed myself to really connect with my core issues, talk about them or the feelings surrounding them. Now is the time. I want to do this.I want to watch my perceptions change as I work on changing them. I do not want my past and feelings connected with the past to distort my perceptions of myself or other people any more. I want to have a healthy, balanced relationship with current T. I don't want to want her approval, I don't want from her what she cannot give or does not want to give, and I want to be ok with that. I don't want my moods to hinge on what she does or does not do. That is giving someone way too much power. I think the only way of doing that is working with T2 through the trauma issues and the emotional devastation I have been suffering with all these years. I need to let go of my "mother's child" and re-raise myself.

T1 talked about unconditional love in a therapeutic relationship and in other relationships. I never had that from another person and I certainly don't feel anything even remotely close in this therapeutic relationship. Of course I feel warmth, and affection, and caring about my T, but I don't feel it coming back from her. Maybe because I am not allowing myself to feel or accept it.

She did not mention the letter I sent to her a couple of weeks ago and the content within it even though I specifically asked her to in the letter. That is the kind of stuff that makes me feel invalidated and not heard, but I am dealing with it. Maybe it got lost in the mail, maybe she didn't find it important enough to discuss. Maybe she is uncomfortable with honesty, but whatever, if she read it, it cannot be unread. I didn't bring it up to her... just another thing to brush under the carpet til I see T2, then readdress when I see T1 next.

Anyway, I am feeling stronger today and more hopeful. I am healing little by little.