(((((JaneDoe)))))
There just aren't enough parentheses for me to communicate how much I wish I could comfort you right now. I'm so sorry for your heartbreak. It sounds like this primary T really helped you out in the beginning and of course you grew to care for her. The change in her behavior toward you has got to be terribly painful and I so much wish I could take it away for you.
Before I continue, I feel like I should include a disclaimer. Hearing what you are going through is triggering a strong emotional response in me. It feels like helpless rage at being hurt by the ones who are supposed to be helping, and then trying to get help and not being heard or not being believed. Seriously, I am just shaking with frustration, wanting to rescue you from this. This is my "stuff" and it has its roots in what happened with my parents, and was recently reenacted in many ways with my former T. In wanting to rescue you, I'm sort of reliving wanting to rescue myself or be rescued from a similar situation. I'm quite sure this is a big part of what I need to work through in my own therapy and I haven't done that yet. So I'm worried that my responses to you in this situation could be me overreacting out of my own stuff.
But I also think you need validation because what you are facing is extremely difficult. I really think your primary T is behaving in an unhealthy way, and I think you are here looking for (and deserving!) validation and support. So hopefully you will take what I say with a grain of salt, and hopefully others here will continue to respond and support you and if necessary will moderate what I say if it's too extreme.
That said...I do not think you are overreacting at all. Did the recent emails from your primary T seem to be a reaction to your meeting with the DBT therapist yesterday? Maybe it is extreme to say this but I'm going to say it anyway (see above disclaimer): Her behavior sounds threatening, harassing, and toxic. It seems aimed at trying to control you, take away your choices, keep you off-balance. Isn't therapy supposed to teach us how to have self-control, how to make good choices, and how to live in a balanced way? What she is doing seems to be not therapy, but "anti-therapy". In my opinion, what is happening with her is not your fault at all. It is all her "stuff". If that's going too far, well, like I said, maybe that's some of my own stuff.
You seem to be highly motivated to find healing in therapy. You are giving your primary T every benefit of the doubt and you want to believe that the problem is with you so you can fix it. Even though I think I understand where it's coming from (patterns laid down in childhood), I hate to see you blaming yourself for the way your primary T is acting. The fact that you're considering taking meds to cope with the anxiety it's causing you just blows me away. Maybe I'm wrong here, but if you have to take meds to cope with your T's behavior, then I think there is something wrong with the T. My stuff aside, I sincerely cannot think of any reason why it would be acceptable for a T to do what she is doing to you.
I'm very very glad to hear that your DBT therapist is trying to support you. I understand that she doesn't want to get in the middle. But it still upsets me that she's not being a stronger advocate for you. In my opinion, your T's behavior goes beyond simply not being "a good fit" for you. She doesn't sound like a good fit for anyone if she reacts so bizarrely to a patient setting perfectly appropriate boundaries in therapy. Maybe "not a good fit" is the most your DBT therapist can say to you without putting herself in legal jeopardy with the primary T. Maybe that is why she's being careful to phrase it as what you might be seeing, instead of her own opinion. But still...this angers me because both of them should be putting YOUR well-being first!!!
Grrr...see what I mean...possibly my stuff again. Okay, trying to calm down...
I'm extremely glad that your DBT therapist will be there tomorrow during the meeting. Does she know about all the emails, texts, and voice mails from the primary T? Can you print out the ones she just sent you and bring them to the meeting so the DBT therapist knows what you are trying to deal with?
One good thing that will come out of this pain, no matter how it turns out: You are learning to be your own advocate, find your own voice, speak your own truth, and the fact that you are learning it in a very difficult situation will make you even stronger. You will become stronger for having gone through this. Maybe your DBT is holding back because she wants you to benefit from that. But you still need some support and I'm glad she's giving it to you.
I so hear you when you say you didn't want to know you trusted someone who could hurt you like this. That's EXACTLY how I felt when it all fell apart with my former T. There were so many times I continued to see him and open up to him when my fear was just screaming because I knew how vulnerable I was making myself. I was so hoping that he would not hurt me. I kept telling myself, it's okay, it's a good risk because he's a T and won't hurt you, it will all end up okay.
But then he did exactly what I was so afraid he was going to do. And it was really awful. There is something exquisitely painful about having taken a risk like that and having it turn out badly in exactly the way you were afraid it was going to. Kind of like jumping off a bridge with a bungee cord tied around your ankle, and the cord ends up being too long. As I was lying on the cement, I kept asking myself, why the frick did I do that? How could I have been so stupid? And yes, I've spent months trying to figure out how it can be my fault so there would be some way I could fix it.
But I want to tell you something that is dawning on me the past few weeks because I think it will give you hope (and hopefully I can explain it clearly because it's still in the early stages of development). I also want to thank you for sharing your experience because that's partly responsible for the realizations I'm having about my own! It is so much easier to see what's really going on in other people's situations, and responding to you is helping me so much to learn what I need to learn from my own. I hope that sharing it with you gives you some encouragement!
I am finally believing and accepting that the transfer from my former T wasn't my "fault". I am finally believing and accepting that I never had any control whatsoever over how my former T responded to anything I did or said. I am finally believing and accepting that his responses were not a reflection of me, they were a reflection of whatever was going on with him. This experience has taught me in a very real, visceral way, where "I" stop and "another" begins. And there is profound freedom to be had in giving up that perceived control of how others respond to me.
If I really internalize this at some point, it means I can be free to be authentic, to behave in a way consistent with my own values, living from the inside out, rather than trying to please others so that they will approve of me or take care of me. And I can be free to love others "with an open hand" (HB had a great post on this - I miss you HB!!!) realizing they have their own set of values that works for them, so if it's different than mine, I don't have to take it personally or condemn myself anymore (assuming, of course, that my values don't lead to behavior that infringes on the rights of others).
I can't tell you how huge it would be if I could really live this way. It would make the pain of the lesson more than worth it.
I do not see a rambling mess in your posts (although I understand why you feel that way). I see a woman who is conducting herself with grace and honor and truth in the midst of a very difficult situation. If you keep on doing that, everything will turn out the way it's supposed to. If it doesn't work out with this T, please try to believe (and I know it's hard) that it's no reflection on you! You will eventually find a T who is a better "fit" for someone as motivated as you are.
I will be thinking of you tomorrow! Please let us know how it goes.
SG