I LOVE that you are both a really solid guy and you admit to crying!
AG
Hi Russ,
I LOVE that you are both a really solid guy and you admit to crying!
AG
I LOVE that you are both a really solid guy and you admit to crying!
AG
Russ, AG, Strummergirl, monte, jones, starfish... oh thank you
Sometimes I get so scared to cry, afraid to will never stop, or people will be upset about it - but also longing to just never show it, or at least run away and never have anyone see it.
and really, I long to be able to cry safely. To just have someone present with me in it.
Sometimes if I don't let me cry, then I just get mad - often it's mostly at me... and I get really hard on me. Other times I cry at commericals, songs, a "random" hug from a friend...
Sometimes I cry so hard I can't even talk... usually in therapy or after it. Hardly ever at other times. (I've been going through a TON of kleenex this weekend.)
She's gone, she promised so much, I believe her on what I could - what seemed ok and easily doable and she betrayed me even on that. So deeply. And now even the DBT therapist is gone - and the worst is that the whole mess is really impacting so much of my life.
She's gone. I miss her, the old her, and I can't have her in my life like this.
i just wanted the DBT t to know and to be with me in that. i wanted her to know why i hurt so bad. i just wanted to be safe to say i hurt, i hurt so bad.
months ago, the former primary T - she gave me two small gifts - "to remember her and have something with me to remind me of her." She even spelled out that it was to help me "attach" to her. Both were small, but personal. One was a small little clown that bounces back up when you knock it over. She gave it and wrote on it about how proud she was of my resiliance. Then this fall, last Novemeber - not long before all this mess started, she gave me a small paper with an embossed horse. She had hung it over her father's death bed. For her, it reminded her of how horses can run and fly... and she hung it to symbolize her father's spirit flying away in freedom. It also reminded her of how good things can happen in pain. (longer story to explain that - it just connected with an experience I had told her about with a horse.) It also reminded her of healing. Her relationship with her father wasn't great (and mine is awful - the primary abandonment) and yet by the time it came for him to pass on, the relationship had been healed. She wanted me to have it to remember (as she wrote on the back) "freedom, hope, healing, love" and to remember her.
I almost didn't accept it. I had a sense it was personal for her. I told her, "I can't take this - " but she said it was her gift, she wanted me to have it and she wouldn't just "give it to anyone"
Sometimes I get so scared to cry, afraid to will never stop, or people will be upset about it - but also longing to just never show it, or at least run away and never have anyone see it.
and really, I long to be able to cry safely. To just have someone present with me in it.
Sometimes if I don't let me cry, then I just get mad - often it's mostly at me... and I get really hard on me. Other times I cry at commericals, songs, a "random" hug from a friend...
Sometimes I cry so hard I can't even talk... usually in therapy or after it. Hardly ever at other times. (I've been going through a TON of kleenex this weekend.)
She's gone, she promised so much, I believe her on what I could - what seemed ok and easily doable and she betrayed me even on that. So deeply. And now even the DBT therapist is gone - and the worst is that the whole mess is really impacting so much of my life.
She's gone. I miss her, the old her, and I can't have her in my life like this.
i just wanted the DBT t to know and to be with me in that. i wanted her to know why i hurt so bad. i just wanted to be safe to say i hurt, i hurt so bad.
months ago, the former primary T - she gave me two small gifts - "to remember her and have something with me to remind me of her." She even spelled out that it was to help me "attach" to her. Both were small, but personal. One was a small little clown that bounces back up when you knock it over. She gave it and wrote on it about how proud she was of my resiliance. Then this fall, last Novemeber - not long before all this mess started, she gave me a small paper with an embossed horse. She had hung it over her father's death bed. For her, it reminded her of how horses can run and fly... and she hung it to symbolize her father's spirit flying away in freedom. It also reminded her of how good things can happen in pain. (longer story to explain that - it just connected with an experience I had told her about with a horse.) It also reminded her of healing. Her relationship with her father wasn't great (and mine is awful - the primary abandonment) and yet by the time it came for him to pass on, the relationship had been healed. She wanted me to have it to remember (as she wrote on the back) "freedom, hope, healing, love" and to remember her.
I almost didn't accept it. I had a sense it was personal for her. I told her, "I can't take this - " but she said it was her gift, she wanted me to have it and she wouldn't just "give it to anyone"
thanks monte and FOT.
monte - yeah, I think she got so close and her stuff came up... too close. oh, i miss her. i miss that connection. it is so utterly gone.
FOT - I read your posts about what happened with your ex-P. how awful! it helps to know you have been through this kind of heartache, and are getting through it. The tears! oh the tears...
maybe I should buy stock in kleenex. :P
I think someday, when I am ready, I'll mail the horses back. maybe. the other small things I'll keep - but that meant so much to her.
maybe I'd send them with a note that I'm not rejecting the gift, I just don't want her to regret giving them to me and I want to let her go. I'd do it if/when I could get to a place where I can hold on to the good of what she gave me, far beyond the horses, and always hold that good in my heart and let go fo the bad and walk through the pain and live in freedom. and I'd tell her that.
I can't imagine ever getting there. But I want to believe that maybe it's possible. someday.
...right now, I am fighting to breathe. just breathe.
thanks for letting me post and the responses.
monte - yeah, I think she got so close and her stuff came up... too close. oh, i miss her. i miss that connection. it is so utterly gone.
FOT - I read your posts about what happened with your ex-P. how awful! it helps to know you have been through this kind of heartache, and are getting through it. The tears! oh the tears...
maybe I should buy stock in kleenex. :P
I think someday, when I am ready, I'll mail the horses back. maybe. the other small things I'll keep - but that meant so much to her.
maybe I'd send them with a note that I'm not rejecting the gift, I just don't want her to regret giving them to me and I want to let her go. I'd do it if/when I could get to a place where I can hold on to the good of what she gave me, far beyond the horses, and always hold that good in my heart and let go fo the bad and walk through the pain and live in freedom. and I'd tell her that.
I can't imagine ever getting there. But I want to believe that maybe it's possible. someday.
...right now, I am fighting to breathe. just breathe.
thanks for letting me post and the responses.
Hi JD...
I've been following your thread here and trying to decide if any of my experience might be of any help to you. I still don't know but will tell you what happened with me and what I am thinking. My wish is that you receive the help and support that you need and deserve.
I totally understand your desire for some closure and also understand your outrage at the situation. What I think is happening is a group of therapists have determined that you are a "risk management" case. That is to say...they are threatened by the mess they have found themselves in...with the "he said...she said" stuff. So they have made the decision to "cover their asses" which means that you are out. They seem to be protecting each other. They have realized that they are working at cross-purposes and are probably angry with each other and you have become a (perhaps..unintended?) target. At this point...there is nothing you can do but get out of the shooting range. I do know how bad this hurts....and will tell you about my experience.
I was working with a couple of therapists...(a long time ago) and this type of situation happened. For me...it was a breach of confidentiality...(my primary T scheduled an appt. and met, with my mother, without asking me...or informing me in any way) My T also accused me of calling her too often...when, in fact...she was calling me. The other T (supervisor) involved, found out and freaked out...thinking they would be sued. I had no desire to sue them...but I did press for an explanation...or apology...or something. My mother in the mean time....was totally freaking out after talking with my primary T...she was angry at me and decided that she could no longer be in my home. The content my T shared with my mother was more than she could handle and my mother was blaming me for her own failings. (she was yelling hysterically at me and crying.) She has, since then, admitted her failure to deal with all of this...and for her many abandonment's and failures as a mother.
When I confronted my T about this...I was, of course, very upset. I did not want to terminate my therapy but I did want my T to realize that what she had done was terribly wrong and had caused me great pain. She really had no explanation for me...in reality...there could be no explanation. She had violated professional ethics and she knew it. She really didn't want to talk to me at all...so she TOLD me to discuss it with the supervising therapist. The supervising therapist was someone I had worked with before so that was not a problem. I did speak with her and had several sessions...but I wanted to talk with my primary T. I was very attached to her and wanted to work the issue out.
What ended up happening was nightmarish...at best. They decided that for my own safety (ie: their safety?) I needed to be hospitalized. They were not out of line with that...but making that decision for me and against my will was not a happening thing for me. I would have gone voluntarily if they had been willing to talk with me about it. (I was perhaps, a threat to myself...but no threat to them.) Anyway...they sent out a team...(yes...the men in the white coats!) they made me pack a few things, get in the van and took me to the hospital for admission. I was there for over 3 months and eventually had to demand my release...so that I could find a new T. The hospital administration told me...they could not release me without a T to cover...and my insurance was no longer paying for me to stay. It was not possible for me to get a new T while in the hospital as I did not have adequate access to a telephone and there were not many therapists that were willing to take me on while I was an inpatient.
This was my therapists' solution to this difficult situation....and seemed self-serving to me. It hurt...in a lot of ways.
Both T's abandoned me...but didn't have to worry about doing so because I was safely locked up. After working with them for over 4 years...I never saw them again. I did see the supervising T a few years later...we set an appt. to reconnect and see if we could make some sense of what had happened, but I decided that I did not want it. (I also broke my foot that week...and could not walk or drive...it may have been a weird coincidence...but who knows? It might have been and unconscious message not to attend the session. hmmmm?)
The upshot of this is that I survived it and continued my therapy with someone else. I think you would be wise to do the same in your situation. I believe the best thing you can do is cut all ties with the therapists you are trying to sort this out with and see someone who is removed from it. Take the independence you still have and be pro-active, find another therapist and start over.
It seems that the therapists you are seeing have made their statement, even though I know how difficult it is for you to hear it. They are not willing to work through these issues with you and want you to pursue treatment elsewhere. I don't know if they have stated this to you...but it seems to me that is what is being said. I don't think this is a money...or insurance issue. You owe them nothing...your insurance has provided coverage past the point when your T stopped seeing you. So don't get wrapped up in the money thing. They will accept what they have received and drop it...I'm quite sure.
I am so concerned for you JD...I just want you to know that. It is not my wish to hurt you or scare you with any of this. I do think you have the power in this situation. You do not have to put up with any of this...you do not have to fix this for them, only for yourself. You are already cutting off communication...so I think that you have made your decision.
You will be able to navigate your way through this. It will, of course, take time to heal and battle your way through the inevitable trust issues and go through all those stages of loss, but eventually....you will be stronger and wiser for your experience. You have learned a lot, it will be up to you to choose how it will apply to your life.
I will be thinking about you...keep posting.
SD
I've been following your thread here and trying to decide if any of my experience might be of any help to you. I still don't know but will tell you what happened with me and what I am thinking. My wish is that you receive the help and support that you need and deserve.
I totally understand your desire for some closure and also understand your outrage at the situation. What I think is happening is a group of therapists have determined that you are a "risk management" case. That is to say...they are threatened by the mess they have found themselves in...with the "he said...she said" stuff. So they have made the decision to "cover their asses" which means that you are out. They seem to be protecting each other. They have realized that they are working at cross-purposes and are probably angry with each other and you have become a (perhaps..unintended?) target. At this point...there is nothing you can do but get out of the shooting range. I do know how bad this hurts....and will tell you about my experience.
I was working with a couple of therapists...(a long time ago) and this type of situation happened. For me...it was a breach of confidentiality...(my primary T scheduled an appt. and met, with my mother, without asking me...or informing me in any way) My T also accused me of calling her too often...when, in fact...she was calling me. The other T (supervisor) involved, found out and freaked out...thinking they would be sued. I had no desire to sue them...but I did press for an explanation...or apology...or something. My mother in the mean time....was totally freaking out after talking with my primary T...she was angry at me and decided that she could no longer be in my home. The content my T shared with my mother was more than she could handle and my mother was blaming me for her own failings. (she was yelling hysterically at me and crying.) She has, since then, admitted her failure to deal with all of this...and for her many abandonment's and failures as a mother.
When I confronted my T about this...I was, of course, very upset. I did not want to terminate my therapy but I did want my T to realize that what she had done was terribly wrong and had caused me great pain. She really had no explanation for me...in reality...there could be no explanation. She had violated professional ethics and she knew it. She really didn't want to talk to me at all...so she TOLD me to discuss it with the supervising therapist. The supervising therapist was someone I had worked with before so that was not a problem. I did speak with her and had several sessions...but I wanted to talk with my primary T. I was very attached to her and wanted to work the issue out.
What ended up happening was nightmarish...at best. They decided that for my own safety (ie: their safety?) I needed to be hospitalized. They were not out of line with that...but making that decision for me and against my will was not a happening thing for me. I would have gone voluntarily if they had been willing to talk with me about it. (I was perhaps, a threat to myself...but no threat to them.) Anyway...they sent out a team...(yes...the men in the white coats!) they made me pack a few things, get in the van and took me to the hospital for admission. I was there for over 3 months and eventually had to demand my release...so that I could find a new T. The hospital administration told me...they could not release me without a T to cover...and my insurance was no longer paying for me to stay. It was not possible for me to get a new T while in the hospital as I did not have adequate access to a telephone and there were not many therapists that were willing to take me on while I was an inpatient.
This was my therapists' solution to this difficult situation....and seemed self-serving to me. It hurt...in a lot of ways.
Both T's abandoned me...but didn't have to worry about doing so because I was safely locked up. After working with them for over 4 years...I never saw them again. I did see the supervising T a few years later...we set an appt. to reconnect and see if we could make some sense of what had happened, but I decided that I did not want it. (I also broke my foot that week...and could not walk or drive...it may have been a weird coincidence...but who knows? It might have been and unconscious message not to attend the session. hmmmm?)
The upshot of this is that I survived it and continued my therapy with someone else. I think you would be wise to do the same in your situation. I believe the best thing you can do is cut all ties with the therapists you are trying to sort this out with and see someone who is removed from it. Take the independence you still have and be pro-active, find another therapist and start over.
It seems that the therapists you are seeing have made their statement, even though I know how difficult it is for you to hear it. They are not willing to work through these issues with you and want you to pursue treatment elsewhere. I don't know if they have stated this to you...but it seems to me that is what is being said. I don't think this is a money...or insurance issue. You owe them nothing...your insurance has provided coverage past the point when your T stopped seeing you. So don't get wrapped up in the money thing. They will accept what they have received and drop it...I'm quite sure.
I am so concerned for you JD...I just want you to know that. It is not my wish to hurt you or scare you with any of this. I do think you have the power in this situation. You do not have to put up with any of this...you do not have to fix this for them, only for yourself. You are already cutting off communication...so I think that you have made your decision.
You will be able to navigate your way through this. It will, of course, take time to heal and battle your way through the inevitable trust issues and go through all those stages of loss, but eventually....you will be stronger and wiser for your experience. You have learned a lot, it will be up to you to choose how it will apply to your life.
I will be thinking about you...keep posting.
SD
oh soulfuldaze! what an awful invasion!!!
I can really identiful with the desire to talk with the T responsible and work it out. That is what I have wanted...
They didn't FIRST work WITH you to properly handle the possibly of meeting with your mother, then didn't work WITH you when it came to hospitalization. And then to just leave you there, and failed to least help you find a new T for when you left! To abandon you in such a double bind in trying to find care you can afford, the people who are supposed to help being so hurtful just to CYA! 4 years... and then to never see them again...
Thank you so much for sharing your story with me. My heart aches for what you had to go through - how awful! But my heart is also encouraged to see that you made it through it, to the other side, of such heartache and mess.
I hope things worked out ok between you and your mother despite what the Ts did. It sounds like maybe there has been some healing since then. I sounds like she owned up to her abandonment and own actions, I hope that was validating and healing for you. Sorta what the Ts should have done!
It probably was good that you broke your foot and didn't meet. hmm...
I think when my former primary T sent the email about termination of care due to lack of payment, giving no other reason, while also refusing to give me a bill or anything that would allow me to pay - it was clear. SLAM. Door shut in my face. done.
The ripping of the attachment to her has been so hard and the lack of communication or helping me find new care and leaving me in a double bind while grieving this loss... She has not said anything about seeking care elsewhere or how or anything. She just said terminated because of no payment. I emailed her and called asking for the bills - and even that is responded to with silence (so far). I kinda hope it srays that way, and I kinda really just miss her so much.
I think you are right, it is time to let go and find a new therapist. The DBT t offered to email the primary T and ask her for me for her to at least send a letter explaining did what she did and how to find new care, but in a way, I don't want her help. I'm scared what she would say to a new T! And I long to sit down and talk about what happened, termination or not. But to just get a letter stating all that happened - somehow, I have a feeling it would just drive me nuts and be awful. I wouldn't get to ask questions and likely be critized without understanding. The primary t knows what I long for and the door is open on my side sit down and talk, but otherwise, I just want to get out of being hurt more and more. I just can't take anymore. And yet, I still long to connect with her and talk and repair and work through what has happened... I just can't do it if she won't. And I can't do it like this.
What you said about "getting out of the shooting range" makes a lot of sense and feels like what I am needing to do now. It means letting go... letting go of what isn't there anymore anyhow (?) I miss her. I keep telling myself that I have to let her go. Ar least for now.
Losing the Ts is hard enough. Now all of life that therapy was helping with is pulling me down. Plus, there are some things in my life have been directly impacted by the loss of therapy, and some of life is being impacted my emotionally crashing a bit because of this loss and pain and hurt.
It's been a hard morning for me. I litterally woke up in a state of panic and dread and fear about e v e r y t h i n g. I struggled to wake up out of it and calm down. I felt like I was drowning in waves of grief and fear and shame and dread.
I got online to see if I could escape, connect, do anything other than keep freaking out! I came to this site and reflected on your story. It is very encouraging. It really does help to know you have been through simillar kind of mess and loss in therapy and have gotten through it. That is amazing and beautiful. I am so sorry for what you had to go through - that had to just be horrible and heartbreaking and trust shattering.
I am so thankful for reading what you went through and that you made it through it and on to a new T. I don't know that I could do it and trust again! It brought tears to my eyes, in a good way, and helped me settle and remember I'm not alone. The storm inside (and outside) of is raging, but at least I'm not alone and this won't always be this way. Thank you so much for reminding me of that
I can really identiful with the desire to talk with the T responsible and work it out. That is what I have wanted...
They didn't FIRST work WITH you to properly handle the possibly of meeting with your mother, then didn't work WITH you when it came to hospitalization. And then to just leave you there, and failed to least help you find a new T for when you left! To abandon you in such a double bind in trying to find care you can afford, the people who are supposed to help being so hurtful just to CYA! 4 years... and then to never see them again...
Thank you so much for sharing your story with me. My heart aches for what you had to go through - how awful! But my heart is also encouraged to see that you made it through it, to the other side, of such heartache and mess.
I hope things worked out ok between you and your mother despite what the Ts did. It sounds like maybe there has been some healing since then. I sounds like she owned up to her abandonment and own actions, I hope that was validating and healing for you. Sorta what the Ts should have done!
It probably was good that you broke your foot and didn't meet. hmm...
I think when my former primary T sent the email about termination of care due to lack of payment, giving no other reason, while also refusing to give me a bill or anything that would allow me to pay - it was clear. SLAM. Door shut in my face. done.
The ripping of the attachment to her has been so hard and the lack of communication or helping me find new care and leaving me in a double bind while grieving this loss... She has not said anything about seeking care elsewhere or how or anything. She just said terminated because of no payment. I emailed her and called asking for the bills - and even that is responded to with silence (so far). I kinda hope it srays that way, and I kinda really just miss her so much.
I think you are right, it is time to let go and find a new therapist. The DBT t offered to email the primary T and ask her for me for her to at least send a letter explaining did what she did and how to find new care, but in a way, I don't want her help. I'm scared what she would say to a new T! And I long to sit down and talk about what happened, termination or not. But to just get a letter stating all that happened - somehow, I have a feeling it would just drive me nuts and be awful. I wouldn't get to ask questions and likely be critized without understanding. The primary t knows what I long for and the door is open on my side sit down and talk, but otherwise, I just want to get out of being hurt more and more. I just can't take anymore. And yet, I still long to connect with her and talk and repair and work through what has happened... I just can't do it if she won't. And I can't do it like this.
What you said about "getting out of the shooting range" makes a lot of sense and feels like what I am needing to do now. It means letting go... letting go of what isn't there anymore anyhow (?) I miss her. I keep telling myself that I have to let her go. Ar least for now.
Losing the Ts is hard enough. Now all of life that therapy was helping with is pulling me down. Plus, there are some things in my life have been directly impacted by the loss of therapy, and some of life is being impacted my emotionally crashing a bit because of this loss and pain and hurt.
It's been a hard morning for me. I litterally woke up in a state of panic and dread and fear about e v e r y t h i n g. I struggled to wake up out of it and calm down. I felt like I was drowning in waves of grief and fear and shame and dread.
I got online to see if I could escape, connect, do anything other than keep freaking out! I came to this site and reflected on your story. It is very encouraging. It really does help to know you have been through simillar kind of mess and loss in therapy and have gotten through it. That is amazing and beautiful. I am so sorry for what you had to go through - that had to just be horrible and heartbreaking and trust shattering.
I am so thankful for reading what you went through and that you made it through it and on to a new T. I don't know that I could do it and trust again! It brought tears to my eyes, in a good way, and helped me settle and remember I'm not alone. The storm inside (and outside) of is raging, but at least I'm not alone and this won't always be this way. Thank you so much for reminding me of that
I went to an initial appointment with a new T yesterday. After 30 minutes he said he did not have the training or skills to work with someone with such clear trust issues. At least he communicated that and gave me a referral to someone he thought could help… (which is more than I can say of the former T who saw me for so long!)
I probably did wear my lack-of-trust-of-all-things-T-related on my sleeve despite all my attempts and effort to not speak of the previous Ts, and only of the issues I am struggling with, in order to answer “what brings you in today?”
ugh. I really am starting over badly. I guess maybe my goal will be to make it through an entire first session with a T! I am really starting out awfully low on my self imposed success-in-therapy-meter.
“what brings you in today?”
such a simple question that has become the hardest thing to answer! I don't know what to even say.
strummergirl - I thought of you yesterday. I was experiencing waves of shame and grief - shaking and turning bright red in the most random moments. I so frustrated and discouraged and exhausted. Then I remembered how you had felt simillar things after terminating with your T and it made it so much eaiser.
Somehow, it really helps to think of everyone who has walked through painful confusing therapy experiences and/or losses. It made me feel less crazy and a little more like "well, this is what happens when therapy falls apart." Somehow, something is shifting and I had some grace for myself about what I was feeling.
ACK! Just as I was typing this post, the mailman knocked at my door and had a certified letter from my former primary T. I started to cry and my hands were shaking. I asked him if I could sign for it later. He was kind and asked if I was ok. I just told him I think it has news I'm just not ready to read. He they would hold it for me at the post office and he "would be extra sure" they would keep it for a week so I could have some time to come in and pick it up. (whew.)
To see her handwriting on the envelope... I didn't want to read her words, no matter what they said. Everything in me just said no, no, no... I WANT TO GO BACK TO THE LAND OF DENIAL AND ESCAPE and not face this heartache again and again and again.
I probably did wear my lack-of-trust-of-all-things-T-related on my sleeve despite all my attempts and effort to not speak of the previous Ts, and only of the issues I am struggling with, in order to answer “what brings you in today?”
ugh. I really am starting over badly. I guess maybe my goal will be to make it through an entire first session with a T! I am really starting out awfully low on my self imposed success-in-therapy-meter.
“what brings you in today?”
such a simple question that has become the hardest thing to answer! I don't know what to even say.
strummergirl - I thought of you yesterday. I was experiencing waves of shame and grief - shaking and turning bright red in the most random moments. I so frustrated and discouraged and exhausted. Then I remembered how you had felt simillar things after terminating with your T and it made it so much eaiser.
Somehow, it really helps to think of everyone who has walked through painful confusing therapy experiences and/or losses. It made me feel less crazy and a little more like "well, this is what happens when therapy falls apart." Somehow, something is shifting and I had some grace for myself about what I was feeling.
ACK! Just as I was typing this post, the mailman knocked at my door and had a certified letter from my former primary T. I started to cry and my hands were shaking. I asked him if I could sign for it later. He was kind and asked if I was ok. I just told him I think it has news I'm just not ready to read. He they would hold it for me at the post office and he "would be extra sure" they would keep it for a week so I could have some time to come in and pick it up. (whew.)
To see her handwriting on the envelope... I didn't want to read her words, no matter what they said. Everything in me just said no, no, no... I WANT TO GO BACK TO THE LAND OF DENIAL AND ESCAPE and not face this heartache again and again and again.
Hi JaneDoe!
First of all I just want to say I think you are doing amazingly well considering what you are going through! Even though you have been deeply hurt, you are continuing to move forward and take care of yourself by staying connected to people who understand and by seeking a new T. That takes a lot of courage!
I'm so sorry you are experiencing those waves of shame and grief...they are so awful...but they do stop happening eventually. It helps a lot to have no more contact whatsoever, so I'm sorry to hear of the certified letter. I wish there could be someone who could act as an insulator for you, a go-between who could handle any remaining contact that is necessary to wrap things up, to minimize the impact it has on you. Is there anyone you know who would be willing to help you out? For instance, someone who could read the letter for you and just give you the pertinent "need to know" facts.
And here I thought I was the only one overwhelmed by the "what brings you in today" question! I've always wanted to answer, "how much time have you got" (but I already know the answer to that, don't I?).
I think you did the right thing being up front with this T about where you're coming from. And I'm glad he was honest about his not being qualified to help you (although I think he should have left it at that, and not made the remark about someone with "such clear trust issues". Um, LOTS of people go to therapy for trust issues, and on top of that, you've just been seriously retraumatized! It sounded a little like a judgment to me...grrr...but I will get down off the soapbox now). At least he gave you proper credit for being clear about it!
I hope the person he recommended will work out for you, and I hope you keep us posted!
It really is uncomfortable to have to start out with a new T by telling about a bad experience with the old T. The first T I saw, I totally unloaded on the poor guy. Seriously, I hardly drew breath the entire hour, I was talking so fast. By the time I was done he was kind of backed up against the bench he was sitting on and his eyes were darting around the room, possibly looking for escape...he said all the right things, but in my opinion his non-verbals were saying "I'm not qualified to help you" all over the place, so I never went back.
I toned it down a little for the first meeting with the T I have now, but I still talked about it because I figured I might as well be honest, because if she can't handle what I need to talk about, then I'd rather know about it sooner than later. It might take a little longer to find the right one this way, but when you find him or her, it will be worth it!
You are doing an awesome job
SG
First of all I just want to say I think you are doing amazingly well considering what you are going through! Even though you have been deeply hurt, you are continuing to move forward and take care of yourself by staying connected to people who understand and by seeking a new T. That takes a lot of courage!
I'm so sorry you are experiencing those waves of shame and grief...they are so awful...but they do stop happening eventually. It helps a lot to have no more contact whatsoever, so I'm sorry to hear of the certified letter. I wish there could be someone who could act as an insulator for you, a go-between who could handle any remaining contact that is necessary to wrap things up, to minimize the impact it has on you. Is there anyone you know who would be willing to help you out? For instance, someone who could read the letter for you and just give you the pertinent "need to know" facts.
And here I thought I was the only one overwhelmed by the "what brings you in today" question! I've always wanted to answer, "how much time have you got" (but I already know the answer to that, don't I?).
I think you did the right thing being up front with this T about where you're coming from. And I'm glad he was honest about his not being qualified to help you (although I think he should have left it at that, and not made the remark about someone with "such clear trust issues". Um, LOTS of people go to therapy for trust issues, and on top of that, you've just been seriously retraumatized! It sounded a little like a judgment to me...grrr...but I will get down off the soapbox now). At least he gave you proper credit for being clear about it!
I hope the person he recommended will work out for you, and I hope you keep us posted!It really is uncomfortable to have to start out with a new T by telling about a bad experience with the old T. The first T I saw, I totally unloaded on the poor guy. Seriously, I hardly drew breath the entire hour, I was talking so fast. By the time I was done he was kind of backed up against the bench he was sitting on and his eyes were darting around the room, possibly looking for escape...he said all the right things, but in my opinion his non-verbals were saying "I'm not qualified to help you" all over the place, so I never went back.
I toned it down a little for the first meeting with the T I have now, but I still talked about it because I figured I might as well be honest, because if she can't handle what I need to talk about, then I'd rather know about it sooner than later. It might take a little longer to find the right one this way, but when you find him or her, it will be worth it!
You are doing an awesome job
SG
hi.
i don't know if it is ok to post this. i feel like i have to tell someone.
i saw another possible new T thursday (two days ago). it didn't go well
then i got home and there was a letter - no name on the envelope. it was not certified. no handwriting - my address was typed. the letter was from the former primary t. it was the worst possible thing that i could imagine be written. instead of a list of this is why i can't treat you - i can't even write what it said right now.
the past 48 hours have been horrible. i keep vomiting (NOT INTENTIONALLY) and shaking and i don't know how i could ever trust another t again or even walk into a room with one. i can't go to school until i see a t who will confirm to any school i can do school and that i no longer have problem with eating or self injury. now that is impossible. everything is lost. how could i ever see another t? and now i'm doing it again and I HAVE TO STOP.
how could she do this? i can't stop thinking about this, obessing about this, thinking: i have to fix this i have to fix this i have to fix this i have to fix this...
i haven't has any more problems with eating or self injury for quite some time - years. the primary t was going to write the letter for school just before she suddenly stopped therapy in December. she knew i needed it by Jan 15. i still had no probelms with eating or self injury even after she left in december... until yesterday. i have not been able to eat anything for the past 48 hours. i have not self injured (althought for me not eating or eating badly really is another form of self injury.) i can't force myself to eat. i'm not normally anorexic. i haven't struggled with food for a very long time - 4 years. the last thing i need is to fall into that again. i can't do it. i think i am going to go see my primary care doctor - but what can they do? they have no idea i had problems like this years ago. now it's rushing back. i have to stop me.
how could she do this? she lied to me. in the worst way. i gave the letter to my insurance and they are so mad at her - they just started yelling on the phone about it about her. i gave it to the old dbt t and she says i should report her. so did the possible new t i saw on thursday.
no, no, no...
i can't make myself eat. i don't care about weight - it's not about that for me. i just don't want to eat anything. i can't do it. i have to. i have to take care of me. i don't want to. i'm really dizzy.
i trusted her. she lied. she is trying to claim i have a diagnosis that she thinks would justify it - but it's one all the tests says i do not have. quite the opposite. every provider - even my doctors says i do not have that diagnosis and it's an easy clear one to test for. even if i did have it - it doesn;'t justify what she has done - part of what made the insurance so mad.
i called my mom and tried to tell her this morning. i became hysterical so much I could not talk.
what could a doctor do to help me? what could anyone do to help me? i just have to stop me.
i probably should not be posting any of this. i'm so sorry. i just needed to tell someone - and this feels the safest. oh dear, i really needed a safe T. having one right now would help. maybe i should go see the doctor and at least make sure i am medically ok and see if they can prescribe an antianxiety med or something and then maybe i can get myself to start eating. i think i will go. what harm could it do? oh, so much possible harm... but what do i have to lose anymore? nothing. i will go see the doctor.
i'm so sorry.
i don't know if it is ok to post this. i feel like i have to tell someone.
i saw another possible new T thursday (two days ago). it didn't go well
then i got home and there was a letter - no name on the envelope. it was not certified. no handwriting - my address was typed. the letter was from the former primary t. it was the worst possible thing that i could imagine be written. instead of a list of this is why i can't treat you - i can't even write what it said right now.
the past 48 hours have been horrible. i keep vomiting (NOT INTENTIONALLY) and shaking and i don't know how i could ever trust another t again or even walk into a room with one. i can't go to school until i see a t who will confirm to any school i can do school and that i no longer have problem with eating or self injury. now that is impossible. everything is lost. how could i ever see another t? and now i'm doing it again and I HAVE TO STOP.
how could she do this? i can't stop thinking about this, obessing about this, thinking: i have to fix this i have to fix this i have to fix this i have to fix this...
i haven't has any more problems with eating or self injury for quite some time - years. the primary t was going to write the letter for school just before she suddenly stopped therapy in December. she knew i needed it by Jan 15. i still had no probelms with eating or self injury even after she left in december... until yesterday. i have not been able to eat anything for the past 48 hours. i have not self injured (althought for me not eating or eating badly really is another form of self injury.) i can't force myself to eat. i'm not normally anorexic. i haven't struggled with food for a very long time - 4 years. the last thing i need is to fall into that again. i can't do it. i think i am going to go see my primary care doctor - but what can they do? they have no idea i had problems like this years ago. now it's rushing back. i have to stop me.
how could she do this? she lied to me. in the worst way. i gave the letter to my insurance and they are so mad at her - they just started yelling on the phone about it about her. i gave it to the old dbt t and she says i should report her. so did the possible new t i saw on thursday.
no, no, no...
i can't make myself eat. i don't care about weight - it's not about that for me. i just don't want to eat anything. i can't do it. i have to. i have to take care of me. i don't want to. i'm really dizzy.
i trusted her. she lied. she is trying to claim i have a diagnosis that she thinks would justify it - but it's one all the tests says i do not have. quite the opposite. every provider - even my doctors says i do not have that diagnosis and it's an easy clear one to test for. even if i did have it - it doesn;'t justify what she has done - part of what made the insurance so mad.
i called my mom and tried to tell her this morning. i became hysterical so much I could not talk.
what could a doctor do to help me? what could anyone do to help me? i just have to stop me.
i probably should not be posting any of this. i'm so sorry. i just needed to tell someone - and this feels the safest. oh dear, i really needed a safe T. having one right now would help. maybe i should go see the doctor and at least make sure i am medically ok and see if they can prescribe an antianxiety med or something and then maybe i can get myself to start eating. i think i will go. what harm could it do? oh, so much possible harm... but what do i have to lose anymore? nothing. i will go see the doctor.
i'm so sorry.
Hi JaneDoe,
First of all, I'm very glad you posted this. It sounds like this situation has escalated to something way beyond what you (or anyone else) could or should be able to handle alone. You need someplace safe right now, and that's what this forum is here for.
I know this situation is terribly stressful right now, and I'll get to that in a minute. But before I do, one thing I would like to remind you of to please, please try to take good care of yourself! I realize this is hurting you on a very deep level. Enlist all the support you can to get you through this. It sounds like the last T you saw sees this situation for what it is, and could be a source of strength for you. Make sure to take your meds correctly and on time. Try to eat a tiny bit of food lots of times a day (chicken broth and saltine crackers worked for me). And try to keep reminding yourself (I know it's hard) of how obvious it is now that this is HER problem and not your fault. Even the DBT therapist and your insurance sees it now.
I would like to second (well, I guess technically it would be a third) the motion given to you by the DBT therapist and the potential new T you saw on Thursday, to report the primary T. She is completely and totally out of line. She isn't just breaking therapeutic boundaries anymore. By anyone's definition, she's deliberately and purposely harassing you. And it's quite clear from the nature of the relationship you had, that what she is doing is causing you psychological harm.
She is obviously having some form of psychological breakdown and it's really important that she be reported so that you won't be hurt anymore, so she won't hurt any more of her patients, and so she can get the help she needs.
The "fortunate" thing in all this mess (if anything about it could be considered fortunate) is that she has provided you with all kinds of hard evidence to prove it. All you need now is someone who knows the legal process, so you can give the proof to them and let THEM handle this mess from here - and at the same time, give YOU a much-needed break from the torment.
In an earlier post, you said you had a friend who is a law student. Can you ask them for advice in retaining a lawyer? Or try calling a few law firms to explain your situation and ask their advice - they probably wouldn't charge you for that.
If adversity makes us stronger...then you're going to be Super Woman when this is all done! Please keep posting to let us know how you are doing. I'm so glad you're not trying to do this alone!
Lots of hugs,
SG
First of all, I'm very glad you posted this. It sounds like this situation has escalated to something way beyond what you (or anyone else) could or should be able to handle alone. You need someplace safe right now, and that's what this forum is here for.
I know this situation is terribly stressful right now, and I'll get to that in a minute. But before I do, one thing I would like to remind you of to please, please try to take good care of yourself! I realize this is hurting you on a very deep level. Enlist all the support you can to get you through this. It sounds like the last T you saw sees this situation for what it is, and could be a source of strength for you. Make sure to take your meds correctly and on time. Try to eat a tiny bit of food lots of times a day (chicken broth and saltine crackers worked for me). And try to keep reminding yourself (I know it's hard) of how obvious it is now that this is HER problem and not your fault. Even the DBT therapist and your insurance sees it now.
I would like to second (well, I guess technically it would be a third) the motion given to you by the DBT therapist and the potential new T you saw on Thursday, to report the primary T. She is completely and totally out of line. She isn't just breaking therapeutic boundaries anymore. By anyone's definition, she's deliberately and purposely harassing you. And it's quite clear from the nature of the relationship you had, that what she is doing is causing you psychological harm.
She is obviously having some form of psychological breakdown and it's really important that she be reported so that you won't be hurt anymore, so she won't hurt any more of her patients, and so she can get the help she needs.
The "fortunate" thing in all this mess (if anything about it could be considered fortunate) is that she has provided you with all kinds of hard evidence to prove it. All you need now is someone who knows the legal process, so you can give the proof to them and let THEM handle this mess from here - and at the same time, give YOU a much-needed break from the torment.
In an earlier post, you said you had a friend who is a law student. Can you ask them for advice in retaining a lawyer? Or try calling a few law firms to explain your situation and ask their advice - they probably wouldn't charge you for that.
If adversity makes us stronger...then you're going to be Super Woman when this is all done! Please keep posting to let us know how you are doing. I'm so glad you're not trying to do this alone!
Lots of hugs,
SG
Hi again,
Since my last post, I had a couple more thoughts for you in the way of coping strategies for you to try (if you haven't already tried them):
You don't have to open your mail
This is about boundaries. Many people assume that they "have" to open all mail (or answer all phone calls). But it really is okay to be selective about opening mail and answering calls (even to the point of screening them). I've learned this lesson the hard way with a neighbor who lives directly across the street from us. She is a master boundary-buster (she has a reputation for it in our town of 30K+ people) and we are continually having to push back to keep our boundaries in a healthy place.
So it really is okay not to open any more letters from your former primary T, and any other letters where the sender is not readily identifiable. If any more of them arrive, think of them as poison and do not open them. Just put them aside, out of sight, and save them for the lawyer (should you choose to go that route).
Try not to take your former primary T's behavior personally
Wait, don't hit me with the HTML slapper just yet!
I know how hard it is to even fathom that right now. The first T I saw after my termination suggested this to me, and I wanted to hit him. My former T's behavior at the transfer session felt like being repeatedly slapped in the face. And we both know about the physical symptoms of shame (shakes, blushing, loss of appetite and/or vomiting). So I know it's not possible to eliminate this entirely. It's coming from deep within your unconscious.
So take this for what it's worth...she really does sound seriously ill. There could even be a medical reason why her personality has changed so much from what it was in the beginning. Neurological conditions can cause any number of weird changes in someone's perceptions and behavior. One friend of mine who developed a brain tumor first became aware that something was wrong when she could no longer read certain words. My grandmother had a series of mini-strokes after which she became much more angry and sarcastic toward family members. So who knows what is going on inside your former primary T's gray matter. I'm not saying this to excuse her behavior at all, of course. But when you are (understandably) feeling so bad for how she is treating you, maybe it will help a little to remember that she is sick and doesn't even realize what she's doing at this point.
And remember...a cupcake is NOT a mineral.
SG
Since my last post, I had a couple more thoughts for you in the way of coping strategies for you to try (if you haven't already tried them):
You don't have to open your mail
This is about boundaries. Many people assume that they "have" to open all mail (or answer all phone calls). But it really is okay to be selective about opening mail and answering calls (even to the point of screening them). I've learned this lesson the hard way with a neighbor who lives directly across the street from us. She is a master boundary-buster (she has a reputation for it in our town of 30K+ people) and we are continually having to push back to keep our boundaries in a healthy place.
So it really is okay not to open any more letters from your former primary T, and any other letters where the sender is not readily identifiable. If any more of them arrive, think of them as poison and do not open them. Just put them aside, out of sight, and save them for the lawyer (should you choose to go that route).
Try not to take your former primary T's behavior personally
Wait, don't hit me with the HTML slapper just yet!
I know how hard it is to even fathom that right now. The first T I saw after my termination suggested this to me, and I wanted to hit him. My former T's behavior at the transfer session felt like being repeatedly slapped in the face. And we both know about the physical symptoms of shame (shakes, blushing, loss of appetite and/or vomiting). So I know it's not possible to eliminate this entirely. It's coming from deep within your unconscious.So take this for what it's worth...she really does sound seriously ill. There could even be a medical reason why her personality has changed so much from what it was in the beginning. Neurological conditions can cause any number of weird changes in someone's perceptions and behavior. One friend of mine who developed a brain tumor first became aware that something was wrong when she could no longer read certain words. My grandmother had a series of mini-strokes after which she became much more angry and sarcastic toward family members. So who knows what is going on inside your former primary T's gray matter. I'm not saying this to excuse her behavior at all, of course. But when you are (understandably) feeling so bad for how she is treating you, maybe it will help a little to remember that she is sick and doesn't even realize what she's doing at this point.
And remember...a cupcake is NOT a mineral.
SG
thank you strummergirl....
i did go see my doctor. she suggested i needed to see a therapist. i started angrily telling her everything i felt about this therapist, and then turned it into saying(ranting?) that all therapists in general are awful. (ugh - i know that is not true.) she started telling me to "calm down" and i said "I want to! please! I can't seem to do that. please help me." and then just i melted down, curled up in the fetal position in the chair in her office, and just cried. she commented "I can't verify you can handle school if you act like this." oh, thank you Dr. Obvious, like i really needed to hear that right now...
but bless her heart, my doctor did just let me cry and let me have space to collect myself. she came back in a few times to check on me. she was sweet, and i think bewildered. she was actually very understanding, all things considered.
in the end, when i was able to talk again, i told her i wasn't eating and concerned it was making me sick and really affecting me emotionally too. she said she is going to find a "nutritional counselor" for me and she said, "It's just to get you eating healthy again. No deep counseling so you don't have to be scared. They will just help you get back on track with that." it makes sense and feels ok to do that. it feels boundaried and goal oriented and that feels safe, regardless if it is in depth or not.
she also is going to call around and find an evaluator that can do testing and observation and help figure out what i do need - and fully confirm once and for all what the diagnosis is and IS NOT, and if i can or can not do school. that made me feel A LOT better.
i showed her the letter the ex-primary t sent. she said "but she seems like a good therapist and like she really cared about you, and you don't have this diagnosis, and i don't know why she would write this and do this..."
she suggested i get DBT therapy. right in that VERY MOMENT, the DBT t called, as if on cue. the dbt t was tense, or angry (I dunno) and said she didn't have time to talk to the doctor or me, but would call me later today at 5pm and she might be willing to let me into her dbt group.
i then called and left one too many messages on the dbt t voicemail just dumping my hurt on her. ugh - second WORST thing i could do right now...
after over an hour, i left the doctor's office. i called a friend and asked if she was up to anything. she mentioned that she was thinking of going to batting cages. i haven't done that in years, but right now, i think i would love to wack something.
i'm drinking some water and gatorade now - very slowly. i just am so dizzy. As silly (and neurotic?) as it sounds, when I am around friends i'll eat well and healthy, so maybe going and being with a friend will help. (and they have no idea about this. it's been so long since i've had this battle with myself.)
strummergirl - i really like your advice about not opening mail any mail from her or unknown senders. i will just mark "refused." or maybe i will get a po box and write on them "wrong address, pls forward to po box ____" Then she can send whatever she wants there, and then I don't have to check it or deal with her escalating over refused mail - (hmm... is that passive agressive on my part?)
what's so hard is that what she listed about why she is terminating therapy, seems like very easy things to solve as misunderstandings - and things you should never terminate therapy over. my insurance says she is "almost commiting insurance fraud." almost fraud? they are pretty mad at her.
i kinda think both the insurance and the primary t are wrong, and that the real story lies somewhere inbetween, but really i don't care so much.
i just would love her to sue me for the bills. JUST DO IT. then i would love counter suing... no, I wouldn't like that at all. it would be hell seeing her at all, let alone in a court room.
i'm not ready to face that she is being that awful... a complaint probably is in order, just not now. soon. maybe. I contacted the folks who i would file the ocmplait with and they said even a family member or another provider could file it. maybe i can ask them to do it. ugh. that feels bad. i should just face it and do it, when i am ready.
oh i still miss her! she wasn't nor isn't all bad. she really helped me so much. this would not hurt if she hadn't.
what a mess. i just want this to be ok. i am totally acting like people do with battered women's syndrome. i want to make the abuser happy, so scared to leave or face the reality of it.
broth sounds doable. I think I can do that. I gotta get off this sick cycle in my head!
yeah, you are right that i should not take it personally - but in a way, i want to. (doesn't that sound sick?) but it means i can fix it or it was all my fault - and yet, i know that is NOT TRUE. i'm not in control of her. never was. that is more clear than ever. this is not all my fault. how could it be?! I've got issues but this is not ok. this is the worst thing you could do especially because of my problems. it's hard to get it really into my heart and face how much this really is out of my control.
i'm angry and hurt and i feel so invaded and betrayed and want to control anything i can!
but i know in my head that freedom and healing is found in letting go.
if i can learn to do that in this, that would be healing! and it would be redeeming of all this pain! and that would be so good for my heart and that is something i can control - me.
thanks for not freaking out and listening and for validating and the great feedback. it helps so much.
and yeah, cupcakes are not animals too... so are they vegetables? maybe i'll ask the "nutritional counselor"
j/k
i did go see my doctor. she suggested i needed to see a therapist. i started angrily telling her everything i felt about this therapist, and then turned it into saying(ranting?) that all therapists in general are awful. (ugh - i know that is not true.) she started telling me to "calm down" and i said "I want to! please! I can't seem to do that. please help me." and then just i melted down, curled up in the fetal position in the chair in her office, and just cried. she commented "I can't verify you can handle school if you act like this." oh, thank you Dr. Obvious, like i really needed to hear that right now...
but bless her heart, my doctor did just let me cry and let me have space to collect myself. she came back in a few times to check on me. she was sweet, and i think bewildered. she was actually very understanding, all things considered.
in the end, when i was able to talk again, i told her i wasn't eating and concerned it was making me sick and really affecting me emotionally too. she said she is going to find a "nutritional counselor" for me and she said, "It's just to get you eating healthy again. No deep counseling so you don't have to be scared. They will just help you get back on track with that." it makes sense and feels ok to do that. it feels boundaried and goal oriented and that feels safe, regardless if it is in depth or not.
she also is going to call around and find an evaluator that can do testing and observation and help figure out what i do need - and fully confirm once and for all what the diagnosis is and IS NOT, and if i can or can not do school. that made me feel A LOT better.
i showed her the letter the ex-primary t sent. she said "but she seems like a good therapist and like she really cared about you, and you don't have this diagnosis, and i don't know why she would write this and do this..."
she suggested i get DBT therapy. right in that VERY MOMENT, the DBT t called, as if on cue. the dbt t was tense, or angry (I dunno) and said she didn't have time to talk to the doctor or me, but would call me later today at 5pm and she might be willing to let me into her dbt group.
i then called and left one too many messages on the dbt t voicemail just dumping my hurt on her. ugh - second WORST thing i could do right now...
after over an hour, i left the doctor's office. i called a friend and asked if she was up to anything. she mentioned that she was thinking of going to batting cages. i haven't done that in years, but right now, i think i would love to wack something.
i'm drinking some water and gatorade now - very slowly. i just am so dizzy. As silly (and neurotic?) as it sounds, when I am around friends i'll eat well and healthy, so maybe going and being with a friend will help. (and they have no idea about this. it's been so long since i've had this battle with myself.)
strummergirl - i really like your advice about not opening mail any mail from her or unknown senders. i will just mark "refused." or maybe i will get a po box and write on them "wrong address, pls forward to po box ____" Then she can send whatever she wants there, and then I don't have to check it or deal with her escalating over refused mail - (hmm... is that passive agressive on my part?)
what's so hard is that what she listed about why she is terminating therapy, seems like very easy things to solve as misunderstandings - and things you should never terminate therapy over. my insurance says she is "almost commiting insurance fraud." almost fraud? they are pretty mad at her.
i kinda think both the insurance and the primary t are wrong, and that the real story lies somewhere inbetween, but really i don't care so much.
i just would love her to sue me for the bills. JUST DO IT. then i would love counter suing... no, I wouldn't like that at all. it would be hell seeing her at all, let alone in a court room.
i'm not ready to face that she is being that awful... a complaint probably is in order, just not now. soon. maybe. I contacted the folks who i would file the ocmplait with and they said even a family member or another provider could file it. maybe i can ask them to do it. ugh. that feels bad. i should just face it and do it, when i am ready.
oh i still miss her! she wasn't nor isn't all bad. she really helped me so much. this would not hurt if she hadn't.
what a mess. i just want this to be ok. i am totally acting like people do with battered women's syndrome. i want to make the abuser happy, so scared to leave or face the reality of it.
broth sounds doable. I think I can do that. I gotta get off this sick cycle in my head!
yeah, you are right that i should not take it personally - but in a way, i want to. (doesn't that sound sick?) but it means i can fix it or it was all my fault - and yet, i know that is NOT TRUE. i'm not in control of her. never was. that is more clear than ever. this is not all my fault. how could it be?! I've got issues but this is not ok. this is the worst thing you could do especially because of my problems. it's hard to get it really into my heart and face how much this really is out of my control.
i'm angry and hurt and i feel so invaded and betrayed and want to control anything i can!
but i know in my head that freedom and healing is found in letting go.
if i can learn to do that in this, that would be healing! and it would be redeeming of all this pain! and that would be so good for my heart and that is something i can control - me.
thanks for not freaking out and listening and for validating and the great feedback. it helps so much.
and yeah, cupcakes are not animals too... so are they vegetables? maybe i'll ask the "nutritional counselor"
j/k
thanks monte
I don't think I am handling it so well this weekend... but thank you for the prayers and good thoughts
humor is indeed a very good release valve for me
I don't think I am handling it so well this weekend... but thank you for the prayers and good thoughts
humor is indeed a very good release valve for me