Shadow.. I don't have any experience in the marriage arena, except that I can only imagine the immense depth of your pain, because of my own current situation. When you said that it ws hard to pine over someone and that it'll end bad you really knew what you were talking about, weren't you.. At the same time, I just personally want to commend you for ending your affair - for your children's sake. I believe it was the right thing to do.. I know in the end, you won't regret the decision.

I don't know if I have much to offer, but here are just a few questions that went twirling in my head after I read your post. I have no idea if they will be useful to you.

1. When you married your wife, did you marry
her because she felt like she was your
soulmate?

2. What did this other woman give you that you
didn't have with your wife? How did she make
you feel differently?

3. Most likely you were deeply in love with
your wife when you married her. What were
those things that you loved about, and were
attracted to her ?

4. Did you ever talk to your wife being
totally honest about your real feelings?

If there is a possibility, to find and surround yourself with some kind of strong social support network (people/friends, aside from your therapist) who will listen,love,support,& encourage you in your making this decision to stay, this will help make you stronger. It will give you another source of love and bonding within yourself to fill in at least some of the gap left by the OW. (This is what I have read & learned,and will be doing myself) Since you are in therapy already about this, I'm sure you will be searching for the answer as to why you feel dead towards your wife and trying to solve the problem.. If the problem is solvable, I believe this is how you will get over your OW- by rekindling & reconnecting whatever was lost with your wife. I can only imagine that this would be the ultimate joy, not the OW. From reading your earlier post, it appears to me that you are really sad & frustrated over why you don't have feelings for your wife anymore. I think that you really want to work it out more than anything, and your actions show it. I cut and pasted a previous comment you made, because to me, anyway, this is description of a soulmate.. isn't it ?

quote:

HB:I love my wife. Great companion, great mother. We laugh and I can count on her.

I've included this video. It may help give you more ideas:

My husband and I struggle with our sex life. I adore him but don't have a fraction of the sexual desire he does. I know this is hurtful to him which hurts me. I try to make myself want to have sex more but my mind doesn't cooperate. Most days it is the last thing on my mind. Is there hope for marriages like ours? (3:23)
http://www.cloudtownsend.com/v....php?clip=cloudA1366


I really hope it all works out for you!
Regards, Flicka

Hi Shadow,
You don't sound like a jerk, you sound like a human being. Thanks for taking the risk to talk about this. I have experienced what you're going through,although the relationship was only one of the heart, things never got physical. But I know that ending it and saying goodbye felt like it would literally kill me there for a while, so I understand how much pain you're in right now and I'm sorry. I do think you did the right thing though, you put your children's needs above yours which is what a parent is supposed to do.

Have you and your wife done any counseling together? Your story sounds familiar to me because in the years before my husband and I started counseling, we both got emotionally involved with other people. Which really worked for us for a while because we were both checked out and getting our needs met outside our marriage (my husband's relationship never moved beyond emotional either). When mine finally ended (not so much through my decision, he moved away. Frankly, I think I was spared through God's mercy.) and I looked around, it hit me that no one was home.

It took a lot of kicking and screaming to get both of us into couples counseling but we rightfully I think realized that both of us were looking outside our marriage because our needs weren't getting met inside our marriage. Funny thing happened on the way to the divorce though. (and it was hit and miss there for a while) was that we realized that the problem was us. We both had a deep fear of intimacy, me especially, and in an attempt to get close enough to get our needs met, but stay far enough away to not be scared (a position which doesn't exist btw) we were re-injuring each other and reinforcing damaging patterns from both our pasts. So it turned out that it wasn't that my husband was the wrong person for me, it turned out that I wasn't letting ANYONE close.

I know that you're going to therapy about this, and I agree with Flicka, that's the first important step. But I think the fact that you're wife also had an affair is an indication that something is missing for both of you. And maybe that's an indication that you've both made a mistake but the relationship you desribe with her doesn't sound like that. I think the only way to fix this is for both of you to talk openly and honestly about your marriage, about what's missing, about what you're not getting in order to determine if you can change that and get your needs met or if you do need to go elsewhere.

As an encouragement, my husband and I have worked it through, and things between us are better now than they have ever been. There are still things we're working on but we are working on them together. You can come back from what you've experienced.

AG

Hi Shadow,

I have been in a similar situation so i can sympathize with the pain you are going through. I believed the other man was my soulmate too, and trying to decide between the two almost destroyed me, although now I realise neither one was right for me. I think an affair is a signal that something is missing from your relationship so maybe if you can figure out what it is that you feel is missing you can work on that. In saying that though, I also read something that sticks with me -

quote:

]"relationships are almost always a trade-off. Making intelligent trade-offs is a problem for many, because we are out of touch with our natural inclinations. Very few of us ever find a partner who provides us with everything we need, so we have to make choices. What is most important in choosing a partner? What are less important qualities that would be nice, but which you would do without if you had to?

The pain of losing your lover will fade, I promise. It may not feel like it can but it does. And so will the guilt, especially if you work on it directly. It sounds like things with your wife have gone the same way of many marriages and that the passion has slipped away. But that doesn't mean the marriage is over. You can either stay happy as companions and co-parents or you can try to get back some of the passion and fall in love with each other all over again.

My two cents

LTF

Hi Echo,
While I agree that sometimes divorce is the right thing to do, and that staying in an abusive marriage can be worse for the kids than a divorce, I also believe that it should be a last resort. I know for me that getting involved outside my marriage was a clear symptom that something was missing in my marriage. But during counseling it became clear that at least part of the problem was my inability to get close to ANYONE. If I had left my husband, deciding that I had just chosen the wrong person, I would not have faced my part in the problems and just repeated them in the next relationship.

When we started marital counseling, I really believed that there was no hope but I wanted a clear conscience before I would break up my children's family. I'm glad now that I did stick it out for the sake of my kids because things are better now then they have ever been. Working it through led to a lot of healing for both my husband and I.

So I really do agree with you that there are times when you really should leave, when it should be ended) but sometimes sticking it out is also the right thing to do. I think only the person in the marriage can really make that call. My answer to Shadow was geared towards his statement that he wanted to try and save his marriage.

AG