I'm sick of hearing things people aren't saying. The current series in church is "How to..." and this week was on praying. Our pastor was going through the different ways we can talk to God and using the "Our Father" as a template and that sort of thing. When he got to the forgiving others part, he kept using this phrase to "not rehearse your hurts," or something like that. So, of course, I hear, "Stop talking about it and keep that $#!+ to yourself." I told him so after church. One part got super stirred up and I had sudden SI urges in the middle of church, including images and sensations. Basically, there was this awful feeling that we should never bring up the bad stuff that happened, because that means we're not forgiving and we're bad and anybody we share stuff with like the pastor or T is wondering why we don't get over it and forgive them. Honestly, I don't even feel like I haven't forgiven. It's more like I never even fully FELT the feelings, so there was nothing to forgive. So, I guess there are parts stuck in unforgiveness.

Now, I know my pastor very well and we are actually pretty good friends and I know that he would NEVER say that I should just stop feeling hurt or not share about them. He is VERY big on how we can't do life alone and we're meant to carry one another's burdens and encourage each other and all that. He would have never meant what I was hearing, but I couldn't stop hearing it. And between the two services (I was singing, so I attended both), I must have heard him use the phrase like eight times.

Now, even though I KNOW that's not at all what he meant and he wasn't literally targeting me with that statement, I can't stop thinking over all the stuff I've told him about the past and how he must have been wishing I'd just get over it. Now, I don't want to bring up any of this past stuff to T and am sinking back into a self-destructive state. It helped a little that I was able to tell him (and then run away) how I mis-translated it, and he joked around with me about it to let me know that's not at all where he was coming from. It just hurts that I can't feel any other way than in trouble or despised for sharing stuff. I'm so tired of going it alone, but it's so scary and painful to try to connect with others with all these messages kicking around my brain. This SUCKS!