Hi everybody I am new here but did not really feel comfortable posting yet. Only having started T end of November, I clearly do not have much wisdom to share in that area (actually I am here to get a feeling of those things that happen during my T are normal – I am a bit suspicious and have some problems trusting people including my T).

Due to financial restraints which I don’t want to explain in more depth, I cannot afford seeing a private T. After months of waiting I am getting (free) counseling through an organization that specializes in the kind of trauma I have suffered. During the intake I was ‘forced’ to tell what has happened to me though I never revealed to anyone except my hubby before (otherwise I would not be offered treatment – as to my question if they could ask me yes or no questions, I was told that this was not an option). Afterwards I was a wreck being completely alone with the emotions this intake has brought up. To make things worse they promised to call at a certain date and they never did which made things even worse. (My abuser told me that if I ever tell anybody they would not care and ignore me, thus he was right all along). It happened a few more times that this organization (and meaning certified T’s) did not follow up with their promises.

By end of November I was finally matched with my T and despite my huge reluctance based on my experience with that organization she turned out to be a sweet lady and I surprisingly liked her. She knows I am upset about how I was treated and apologized in behalf of the organization (although she was not the one messing up) but also made an excuse why things went wrong the way they did which is not really reasonable. I also told her that I am afraid she will turn away from my when she hears what has happened.

T is supposed to be weekly but due to holidays, office closures etc, I only had 8 sessions during those 12 weeks with another one to be cancelled the week after next. With those two (sometimes 3) weeks interruptions it always feels I start from scratch building up rapport with her.

Last session we finally managed to dig a little deeper on the topic (no details yet) and it was a difficult session. (She says I am dissociating but I am not sure if that is what it is, there is so much confusing stuff about it online and some sounds rather severe and drastic and I simply do not know if it really is that, anyway...) We were then supposed to have a session a few days after our regular scheduled session because that one was also cancelled. The original time was set but then she told me to come an hour later because that was ‘our’ time to meet. I told her that both were fine with me and we agreed with the later time. We confirmed time and date TWICE.

A few minutes before the session was supposed to start she called me and asked where I were and why I did not show up. I told her that we were supposed to meet at the other hour after she had told me to just stick to ‘our’ usual time. Anyway, meeting at that time was not possible as the office was used by a different T/client and she was sorry about the ‘misunderstanding’ and that was it.
10 days of anticipation and anxiety for this particular session (yep, I still thing T is scary) for nothing. Yet again no session after a dreadful 2 weeks in which I was overwhelmed by nightmares, memories, etc. and had a very hard time coping.

I will see her next week but I am feeling that my trust in her is broken. Like she betrayed me. Let me down just has I was told by my abuser if I would open up to someone. I am also upset that she said it was a ‘misunderstanding’ whereas we clearly had agreed on that time and she just had messed making room reservations & putting it in her schedule properly. Not sure but I feel that if someone (that includes myself, btw) makes a mistake, they should have the guts to admit it!

Much of me wants to cancel the next session, especially since I will have yet another half a month break between that one and the next. I am upset. At the same time I feel childish and know that people make mistakes and that she is human. But she is my T. She promised to be there if I start telling and now she let me down. (She also never asked how I was doing or such on the phone.) I am afraid to tell her because there does not seem to be a point (she also made those silly excuses for the organization back then and since she did not admit her fault during the phone conversation I guess it would only lead to more frustration towards her if she tries to defend herself.) I don’t feel like I want to discuss anything at all about my past with her, all of a sudden there does not seem to be a point. I will be alone with this stuff for at least half a month when no additional sessions are cancelled. It does not feel like I have support (e-mail and phone contact are not an option nor are extra sessions). I am afraid that it will be getting too much for me to handle by myself, I am on a breaking point already that is why I finally tried the T route. There are no other options for me out there (I really have done a lot of research), it’s either her or nothing.

I still like her though I am upset with her but the essential trust that was already week due to my trust issues is trembling and falling apart.

Sorry about the ramble. Guess I just needed to get this out of my chest (nobody knows about my past and being in T and I cannot talk to anybody about this in real life really).

I think I just want to know if I am / my feelings are unreasonable. How can I make this have a lesser effect on me? Is there actually a point in T or will it only make me vulnerable of getting hurt yet again?