I am so sorry, JD. (((hugs))))

JD... so so sorry for the death of your little foal friend. Animals love so unconditionally and pure and it's so hard to lose them. I understand your loss and send you safe hugs.

TN

Oh (((JD))), I am so sorry for your loss. She sounds Like a very special foal and it is evident that she reached you deeply. I am sorry you are hurting and that her death is triggering other losses as well. Will be thinking of you....
seablue

Jane, I'm so sorry! I know you had such a heart and compassion for this little foal. ((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))))

thanks everyone. I think I am stuck in the denial/anger phase of grief. She wasn't supposed to die. She just wasn't. I feel like yelling at the wind. I feel so helpless. I want her back. I want everyone I have lost back.

My T might have a ceremony for her. My T was really sweet today. Kept tearing up. I fought tears too. We didn't talk a whole lot. It was a very laid back kind of session I guess. Except that me and my T were fighting tears and telling stories about Cadence...

Cadence just wasn't supposed to die. She is supposed to be here.

((((JD))))),

I'm so sorry. I can hear how special she was to you and your T. Thinking of you.

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss, Jane. I can totally understand why you would feel so sad and angry for her, having had such a hard life, and having it end too soon. I'm glad your T could be there for you, even feeling the same way you do...so you don't have to be alone in your grief. I wish you all the safe places you need to express how you are feeling.

Many safe hugs to you

SG

Thanks everyone. I miss her a lot. I am learning to not run from grief. It is very hard. Cadence was a lot like me in some ways that were not common. I feel like I have been kicked in the chest...

Every day is so precious. I feel like I am wasting tonight being bummed out and crawling into bed early, but maybe it is what I need.

(edited for personal reasons, just me and my stuff)

(((janedoe)))
Please be gentle with you. You absolutely need to to care of yourself in whatever way helps right now and try to realize that you deserve the care. Tell the "guilts" to leave you alone!
seablue

LG, TN, Draggers, Seablue, Yaku, STRM, AG, SG, DF…

gosh. Thanks everyone so much for the support about this. Thank you for your sweet thoughts and prayers and words - and the hugs too!!!

It’s something to be working through grief with a T who is grieving the same loss… The initial normal barriers to getting deeper are gone. I don't have any fear that she thinks I am overreacting or anything at all. She gets it…

Thanks seablue for the reminder to tell the guilts to leave me alone and the enouragement to take care of me. It's hard to give myself that permission.

Ohhh, I'm so sorry Jane. This is an awful thing to go through. I'm so glad you have your T beside you in this. Be very, very gentle with yourself in this.

Love,

Jones

This is some really, really sad news. I think something special about humans & other animals is that we are all living, conscious beings and we really do build genuine relationships with each other. And losing someone can be challenging, and I am sorry that Cadence died, it just doesn't sound right that should happen to such a smart and vulnerable and brave creature. I don't know what to say to comfort you because I get really scared of loss and losing those that I love, but I want you to know that you deserve comfort and caring right now, and I wish I knew how to make it better. Cadence sounds beautiful and meaningful to be close to. Take care, janedoe.

So sorry JAne, for the loss of Cadence - so young too. I feel for you. I think a ceremony would be lovely and you could write a poem or draw a picture or write something about what this horse meant to you. And this is when we humans need each other, when our hearts are hurting, especially so when it is grief, so maybe accept more hugs and friends time whilst this is so raw and painful for you. Grief does take time and I am sorry that it is going to hurt, but it is what happens when we lose those we love - sadly. I hold you in my own heart and I shall say some prayers for Cadence too - may that sweet horse be happy and be filled with the peace that passeth all understanding.

Oh Jane I am really sorry about Cadence.

And I’m sorry for posting late to you (though I know you would probably say there’s nothing to be sorry for) – I have to say I am never triggered by anything that appears on this forum – affected yes, triggered no – until I opened your thread and saw your trigger warning and what it was about and I just had to close the thread without reading further. My cat died late last year and I still have so many tears unshed for him, stuffed away at the back of my mind, that anything connecting to innocent animals brings up unbearable grief that I’m not ready – or maybe not willing – to feel yet.

But I can’t leave you grieving for Cadence without trying to offer some comfort, or at least support, even if it’s just to tell you that I hear you and feel for you.

I am so so sorry for your pain and grief, and I am so sorry for poor little Cadence too, who had to suffer and now die before her time. It’s heartbreaking and intolerable. You are so right, she didn’t deserve this.

I like the idea of a ceremony too even though it will be painful, there is comfort in sharing the grief and knowing you’re not alone in your pain.

(((( Jane ))))

LL

((((LL)))) Thank you so much for sharing. It took tremedous courage to do that and I'm encouraged by that. I'm so sorry for the loss of your kitty. I only knew this foal for a few months. I dread the day when I lose my little cat. My heart goes out to you.

There is something about the bond with animals that is so un-complicated in a way... that it seems to sink in deep for me. And losing it is heart wrenching. It seems to bring out some kind of vulnerabilty or just pain hurt that is so raw for me. It's very tough.

Cadence, even though I only knew her for a short while, ugh... it's very hard...

Firefly ~ thank you for your kind words. I get really scared about losing those I love...

Sadly ~ thank you for your prayers and taking such time to respond from where you are. gosh, it means a lot. Yeah, we need each other very much... that's what funerals and ceremonies are for...

Jane - hope all is well. Thinking of you in your hurt. ((((((((HUGS))))))))

I woke up early this morning and the birds are chirping. This time last year, I was at a residential treatment place for a month far away from home. I remember being there and waking up and hearing the birds chirp every morning. They greeted spring and it comforted my heart to hear outside the window next to the bed I slept in. Right now, I feel very sad and very scared. I don't feel like I belong anywhere. Me, my life, everything, doesn't fit. Spring is here and I am not ready. I have no idea why but this is really stirring up a lot of grief. I normally love spring, but this time, it feels so out of place. Life starts in spring, not ends. Where am I? I feel lost. Nothing fits. Everything is out of place.

(((((Jane)))))

Feeling like you don't fit anywhere is not a fun feeling to have, but you are not alone in feeling that way. Things will get easier, hopefully sooner rather than later.

I'm not sure where you are, but where I am, we're expecting snow, even though it is spring (my favorite season too.) So if you aren't ready for spring, there are places in the states you can go to hibernate a little bit longer!

R2G ~ I usually love spring and this is the first year I have just really not liked it. I love the idea of going someplace where it is still winter. Oh send the snow to me! Thank you for reminding me I'm not alone even in feeling like I don't fit. It's been hard and your kind words helped.

AG ~ something about what you wrote hit home. It does feel like I am dealing with "memories of feelings" - exactly. My mind is searching for what and why, and it's not about now, but the feelings are scary and familiar. This grief about Cadence is stirring up something else. Some other time where I felt helpless, pain, loss, and like things did not fit. I don't know what it is from and it's unsettling. You are right, I have felt these feelings before and survived. I survived whatever happened that brought them on too. It helps just to know that I'm not alone in how grief can stir up things in this way. Thank you so much AG for your insight and compassion.



I am struggling with my T not texting me back about when a ceremony is for Cadence, I'm worried this very small thing is some kind of sign that something is horribly wrong. I feel these stong feelings about spring and time and being out of place and facing loss and helplessness.

The shortness of life is hitting home. I also keep remembering how Cadence risked. Somehow, it all compelled me to call my regular T and tell her something I have wanted or needed to talk with her about for awhile but just have been too scared. I could only say part of it, and only on her voicemail, but it was a step. Cadence was always talking lots of steps. She would litterally take two steps forward and then totally back up, and then come in 3 steps closer. It was amazing to watch this little sweet thing try and learn and reach out and connect. She did it over and over.

thanks everyone for letting me share my journey with this here. It helps a lot.

~jd

It is beautiful to hear you describe Cadence. I can see what an amazing soul she is and how much you were blessed by your short time together. Thank you for sharing it with us. (((((((Jane)))))))))

I woke up again to the sounds of birds and spring, and I began to panic again. Badly. I am calling my regular T.

(((((((Jane)))))))) I hope T is able to ground you. Please keep us updated on how you're doing! Praying for you.

Jane,
I'm really glad what I said helped.

quote:

The shortness of life is hitting home. I also keep remembering how Cadence risked. ... Cadence was always talking lots of steps. She would litterally take two steps forward and then totally back up, and then come in 3 steps closer. It was amazing to watch this little sweet thing try and learn and reach out and connect. She did it over and over.

When I read this, it made me think of a quote from a book that I'm reading right now, Bird by Bird: Some Instructions on Writing and Life by Anne Lamont:

quote:

We all know we're going to die; what's important is the kind of men and women we are in the face of this.

And evidently, what kind of horse.

Cadence may have been short-lived, but she lived when she had the chance, and has passed that lesson on to you. You honor her by taking your own risks and actually living your life. I know it is scant comfort right now, but the impact she has had on your life gives meaning to hers.

I hope you hear back about the service plans soon.

AG