I would keep trying and maybe not go into all the details of what happened with the termination until you meet a new T or P in person.

I was terminated by an unethical P and had a hard time finding someone to work with me after that, even though I only had seen him 18 months. So I don't know if the length of therapy has anything to do with it. Two Ps that I saw refused to even discuss him and when I finally found a P who has been extremely open to talking about everything that happened with this P, I asked him why others in his profession would be so reluctant to take me on as a patient.

His opinion was that there is such a fear of lawsuits that some therapists don't want to get involved in a case like this for fear of being drawn into a lawsuit.

The 2 Ps that wouldn't discuss the termination initially were very open to seeing me but once I mentioned exP's name, I was treated differently. It's adding insult to injury after a terrible termination. Plus all this secrecy concerning your therapy with your T is a big concern, but persistence in searching for a new T will pay off.

This is my third try. The two first T's did not get my story until I saw them, and they were waste of money. The reason why I told this one why I need to see a T was that I wanted to find out if she could and would deal with it. One thing is that I don't have much money, but I also feel I'm too vulnerable to experiment with a lot of T's. I am really terribly vulnerable and in a state of panic. Maybe I shouldn't search for a new T in that condition. But I am so scared and at a loss. I need help, but I don't trust T's any more, and that seems to be getting even worse each time I fail when I try to get in touch with a new T.

My former T has retired, so there is no risk for a new T to be drawn into lawsuit. Besides, I've never heard about any lawsuit against a therapist in my country. I don't think it ever happened here. I don't even think it is possible here. And if it was, what would good would that do me? Nothing.

I don't have much time to write at this moment but I wanted to tell you that it took me 6 tries to find the therapist I see now. 4 of them said they couldn't work with me. That I needed more help than they could offer. One was willing to work with me but she was so far away and I ultimately did not like her. This new one I have seen for 4 months now. I think we have settled in. But it was really really really hard to find this therapist. I was ready to give up. I also saw my former T for about 16 years then she retired.

((((HARBOR))))

Turtle

Did you have a bad termination with your former T?

quote:

She said that it is their responsibility to give me the possibility to work through with another T the disastrous termination I had with the former. I told her that this was a bit difficult because I think that the therapy had been officially terminated years ago. So only my T and I knew that we still had a therapeutic relationship for the last 8-9 years or so. In 2007 I told my T that I had told somebody at a job centre that I was still in therapy. And then he said that there was no need for me to let anybody know that I was still seeing him.

Harbour... I also had a very traumatic termination/abandonment from my oldT. I will write more later but I need to ask you... if you saw your T all those years out of hospital did you pay him privately??

If you did not pay him or if he was not officially in private practice of some kind then it makes me feel that he was unethical.

I am so sorry you were rejected by this T. I had to see 4 T's before the 5th one turned out to be a perfect fit... but even then it took me at least ONE YEAR to settle in and more than TWO years to start to trust him. It's a long story but I don't have time right now to explain it all. I know how panicked you feel and how painful this all feels.

I'll be back later.

Hugs to you
TN

True North

I would like to hear your story.

I never saw my T outside the hospital. So I didn't pay for the therapy. Yet I suspect that the staff at the hospital didn't know about the last 8-9 years of my therapy. Not only because he asked me to keep quiet about it. In my country you can see your medical/health record in a secure file on your computer. In that record you will find all your treatments at the hospitals, including all kinds of therapy you may have been through. You can't see the notes written by your T if you have been in psychotherapy, but you can see the dates for the start and the termination of your treatments. In my record it says that my therapy had been terminated in 2004. That is not true. He terminated in June 2012. All the other dates for my medical treatments (physical) are correct.

I think that the reason why he continued the therapy "in secret" was, like someone here on the café suggested, that he couldn't cope with the fact that the therapy failed. Nor could I. But now I feel I have waisted 10 years of my life, and that I'm left with another trauma on top of the old trauma which was not resolved. I think I can forgive him that the therapy failed. He is a human being, and human beings make mistakes, but I can't forgive him the way he terminated me. That was lousy and irresponsible of him. Especially because he is the one who knows better than anyone that abandonment and trust are my most vulnerable issues, and because it was not necessary to end it that way.

harbour in a way I did have a bad termination. Really it was a bad treatment all together. She really crossed the boundaries badly. But prior to that I had a really bad termination with that person. She is retired now so no one can contact her etc. I don't tend to tell therapists about what happened with that relationship. I am considering telling my new T of about 4 months about it now. It's a scary prospect though. I don't know how she'll take it.

Irish girl and Turtle

Thank you for the advice. It might be a good idea to contact psychoanalytical institute. But then I start thinking not very constructive thoughts because of my low self-confidence and doubts about my mental abilities. These thoughts emerge when I look back seeing myself in that numb and absent-minded state in the therapy. That makes me awfully pessimistic and depressed. I don't trust myself. I have to hold on to some hope though. Otherwise all ways are blocked. I actually started writing an e-mail to the institute this evening, but I didn't finish it because of uncertainty and doubts. I did save it.
How does insurance prevent you from finding a therapist? I don't have that kind of insurance. That is why I am asking.

Turtle, I understand why you hesitate telling your T about your bad experience with your former T. But I don't think that it helps you to keep silent about it if you're struggling with the issue. The longer you wait the more difficult it might be. You will not know how she'll take until you talk to her about it, and the problem doesn't go away by itself. It will go on bothering you and scare you until you talk. It's easy for me to say, and you probably already know all this. Do you have a good feeling about her?

Trust is so hard to build up and so easy to break down. But we have to keep on trying.

Hi Harbour.... I had a very traumatic termination with a T I was very attached to after a therapy of 2.5 years. I was going through a difficult summer because I was sick with a bad gall bladder and was facing my first surgery and was really scared. I was also struggling with the knowledge that he would be leaving on a 3 week vacation right after my surgery. He began to act very strange with me and then began to tell me that he thought I should see another T but that he was NOT asking me to leave. He kept saying that and so I told him that I was staying and I didn't want to see another T. That I felt safe with him and that I was improving.

He then would not do therapy with me in session, instead he would argue with me, say hurtful things and even make fun of me at times. It was so painful for me that I sunk into a depression and would cry each time I saw him. Then 4 days after my surgery I limped in to see him because he was leaving for vacation the next day and he then handed me a list of T's and told me to go find a new one. This was at the end of our session and I was shocked. I was still sick and in pain from surgery and he did that to me. I begged him for more time and he just shut his door in my face as I was in the hallway by then. I sat in my car sobbing for some time until he came out and then because I was so distraught he called the police and had them take me to the ER crisis center and told them I was suicidal. I wasn't I was just grief-stricken and really distraught.

After that he never checked on me (I was technically still his patient because I had a follow up appointment with him after his vacation) and he refused to to take any of my calls and he would not respond to my emails either.

The whole termination was an abandonment of me and I ended up with PTSD from the experience. I had to struggle and fight my way back from horrible fears and depression and overwhelming anxiety. I was literally frozen with grief and fear. My sister said my face looked like that of a stroke victim.

I tried for weeks to get a "closure-termination" session with him and searched for a new T that would help me with this. I saw 3 T's and #3 helped to get a session with him but he was acting just horrible in the session and would not discuss my treatment or the termination and just sat there making small talk. It did not resolve anything and in fact, he told me I could see him again "when the time is right". It never was and that was just another lie he told me. Also in that same session the female T I was seeing also betrayed me and I lost all trust and respect for her and I terminated her. I saw two more T's after that and T#5 is the one I am with now.

My T is an amazing T and person. I knew I needed to be in therapy to recover from what oldT did to me but it had to be with a really good T because I was in such really bad shape. My T had experience with people with failed therapy experiences and also with trauma and attachment. He totally understood what was happening with me. I showed up on his doorstep (symbolically) broken, frozen and bleeding and he gave me a warm blanket, hot soup and he nurtured me back to health again. I have been seeing him twice a week for 2.5 years now. He is so supportive and smart and tough too. He pushes me and challenges me and he really "gets" it too. I have had to fight through a lot of negative transference because of the harm from oldT and my T took a lot of anger from me but he never punished me or changed in any way towards me. He has been totally consistent and there for me. I am blessed to have him in my life. He accepts attachment and is not fearful of it. I told him via letter at Christmas that I loved him and he was really fine with it. He said it's a treasure when a patient comes to feel that way.

It has not been an easy journey to this point. I still have work to do but there is a good solid foundation of trust. He tells me that he does not terminate patients. They decide when to go and some never do. They may not see him every week but they see him a few times a year and they are always welcome. He says we will always be a part of each others lives and that this relationship is forever even if we do not see each other in the future.

If you search the threads here under my name you can read more about my journey. The horrible abandonment of oldT began in July of 2010 and I began to see this T in September of 2010. Most of my posts are in this forum (Stories and Personal accounts).

I am sorry your T was so hurtful to you at the end. I do believe he was incompetent because he was not understanding your attachment to him and your childhood injuries. Did he ever discuss attachment with you? Also, he behaved in an inconsistent way with the setting of those termination dates all the time it would be impossible for you to feel secure and safe enough to process what you needed to. This was HIS failure not yours. I have learned that my oldT was incompetent and this was HIS fault not mine. He had inconsistent boundaries and he was not knowledgeable even though he had a PhD.

If I can answer any questions feel free to ask.

Hope this helps
TN

Hey Harbour... how are you doing? You haven't been around and I was just checking in on you.

TN