((((((cat)))))) you're a dear and other than the phone calls this describes EXACTLY what i went through pre-session two weeks ago. oh! awful, awful feelings! i'm so sorry you're going through this and it has spiraled. i hope yoga helps, good for you for going! the biggest thing that helped me was breathing, paying attention to it and slowing it down. and even though the session was excruciating, i was SO glad i went and didn't cancel at the last minute like i wanted to do.

don't worry about the no reason (there IS a reason). that's what Ts are there for, to help you understand that there is an explanation for the behavior, if you can unearth it with T's help. until you can talk with her, just keep breathing. (((((cat)))))

Shew it's not just me

Know exactly how you are feeling Cat! Although I don't even have the courage to call so with me it is based on my mails and her lack of response.....(she never responds)

She hates me....
She thinks I'm crazy....
oh wait I am crazy....
I'm bothering her....
I shouldn't bother her.....
she is going to leave me....
is this a sign she is going to leave?...
She's never liked me....
Oh she is irritated by me....
she is going to leave me....
if she leaves me I don't know what I will do or how I will cope....
I should never have trusted her....
there must have been signs when Ex T left me that I didn't notice....
are these her signs that she is going to leave me.....
I should just leave her so she can't leave me....
Nobody actually cares about me....
I'm on my own....
why did I ever think I could trust.....
I've never been able to trust...
Stupid! Stupid me! for trusting her ...
I need to do this on my own - I can't and should never trust people...
I need her!.....I wish I didn't need her....
But needing her is a sign of weakness - It's never good to show weakness because that is when people take advantage....
I should have known better

....and you know the worst part about all of this, is that it will go on for sometimes as long as a week, so by the time I get to her office I don't know how to be with her. I want her but I want to push her away. Aaaaarrrggghhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Seriously mentally unstable B2W

I am not sure whether I feel like laughing or crying after reading this thread, because I have so been there myself and know there is truth and pain in your words. Cat, so sorry for your high anxiety and frustration. It makes me not want to go back to therapy with my new T in order to avoid going through this kind of stuff again.

Cat

I hope you made it to yoga and that that helped. I know when I've been panicking it is a toss up whether frantic motion, like cleaning out all my junk cabinets,wiping out the fridge, and scrubbing the bathrooms will help or if calming down and using some meditation practices will help. Try a little of both and see if either will help the anxiety ease.

Thinking about you,

Jillann

if ok..

Thank you for sharing.. I have been through this dance and much more..do our Ts know this agony? Has anyone shared this with their T?

((cd)) ((b2w)) ((mh)) ((jill)) ((a))

Thank you, guys. I'm sorry that I am not alone in this insanity.

I wish I could say I went to yoga. I didn't. I napped. My T decides to call almost as I'm pushing "POST". She did get the VM said she'd call back in an hour and I could pick up or not but either way she'd leave a msg and that she wasn't mad.

I have another sitting on the floor feeling like I might die panic attack and missed yoga (with my kitten standing/balancing/falling and climbing back up on my head by the way, it's a thing he's in to right now - it's okay to laugh - he hasn't gotten the judgmental look mastered like my other ones because I still have my "new car smell" and he's interested).

If I had the head of a happy horse rather than that of an angst and sadness ridden girl it looked something like this (my cat is smaller but I guarantee the face was just as evil and smug):



I answered when she called back. I felt bad that she said she had been busy - like I expect her to call me back instantly or something. She told me I didn't sound anxious (that I sounded cute). Well, that's the thing about me and being upset. My funny and my upset go up together. Which is why I speak well in public because I come across hilarious but meanwhile I'm dying in a raging fire on the inside. I make PMS look like a *great time*. She got me to laugh a bit, we talked a little about why I was spinning out and that she didn't at this time hold any homicidal rage towards me.

I don't even know what I thought she'd be mad about... ya know? It's like some sort of full body, gut, visceral, KNOWING that someone just HATES YOU. But somehow they don't... and I don't get that.

So it helped and didn't help and I had another round of anxiety (not a full blown attack) and was so pooped I just laid on the floor, with a kitten on my head... for a bit and napped.

Thank you for the support and hugs and your own stories... therapy is just screwed up. I will get in to this wind tunnel of... therapy, or the relationship with my T, or something... my brain will get addicted to some projection or thought and it just won't go away. I'm assuming it's from growing up always worrying what would happen at any random time. So I guess... my brain and I do that sorta half trip/fall thing where all you can do is look embarrassed after (as you look back at the offending curb like it did it on purpose). Anyhow... now I feel anxiety about being so stupid.

That list above (and b2w's and almost everything anyone has said about what goes on for them) happens constantly. CONSTANTLY.

Hi Cat, I hope you can get some rest and some peace from the feelings that are causing you panic. The description of both of the phone call/contact scenarios are so true and real to me. T does not like when I project and/or make my own rules so I try not to but yet my insides are pretty much as you described with the kid is taking over from adult me.

Thinking of you and sending hugs.
TN

B2W - oh my, yes! for me all that goes down before i even dare write one word. and then it increases exponentially after i click "send." and yes, it can go on for a week and then the anxiety in seeing T is so acute that the session, at least for me, is generally always a huge disappointment. it's terribly frustrating!

((TN)) thanks my dear, and it's good to hear from you. It is that kid taking over.,, I didn't even think about it that way! I'm on my way I see T now... And tried to leave the kid at home but she wrapped around my ankle.,, time to spend another session in mystery tears

RT I had that when I emailed my weeky t too - sucks. Feelin for you two!

Cat, it's so hard when being so vulnerable in a relationship with our Ts cause so much anxiety... I hope you feel a little calmer soon.

I've had a run of ridiculous timing cock ups with my T recently (all her fault!) which have left me distraught, but strangely, I'm finding I'm a bit less anxious - it wasn't the end of the world that things didn't turn out as I expected. I had found my security in the predictability of response, session length and timings when actually what makes me feel safe is her, whatever time it is. This has been a bit of a revelation... Of course, the next time there's an "incident", I'll probably fall into previous patterns of response but for now, this is ok.

I hope you have some rest and feel better soon.

Hugs, Iris xx

Hi miss Iris!

The anxiety is killer. T brought up something really difficult today - a difficult reality about where some of my feelings may be coming from (relating to my parents). I felt connected and terribly disconnected from her today. She said I seemed present (and I felt that way) but I also felt very deep down inside of myself.

Whenever I have anxiety... I not only tend to think T thinks horrible things about me but I can transform almost anything she says in to something bad about me. So we sat there and she'd say something and at one point I just replied... I'm really triggered, and feel a lot inside by something you said but... I can't get it out, it doesn't have words... I know what you mean about feeling better and then knowing another "incident" is coming...

This therapy stuff is hard.

quote:

it's so hard when being so vulnerable in a relationship with our Ts cause so much anxiety...

amen!

This is starting again...

I'm at step 1 and 2...

I feel condemned to live in this anxious hell forever.

Step 1 and 2 as in
Call T, leave a message.
Convinced T hates me.

That sure sucks. The anxiety. Feeling frantic and it won't stop.

Could you maybe skip right to the almond milk? And the breathing? Breathing is good.

I'm sorry it's happening again, cat.

I don't have much to offer, but I understand how awful it feels.

-RT

((RT))

No almond milk, I do have air though... trying to breathe. I also tried some somatic stuff and imagining being close to my T.

But yea, step 1 and 2 as in leave a message and convinced she hates me.

I hate not understanding. I hate... FEELING without knowing why

or maybe you *expect* T to hate you... because you *hate* you... as in not accepting yourself and that yes, you *do* feel. you feel because you are human and that's what we humans do. it's not good or bad. it just is.

Bah... hating myself. That never happens. Feelings.... none of those either..............

I know you're right It just feels SO out of control behind all that anxiety. I hope there is some day out in my future waiting for me that has... no anxiety in it.

for listening to me

Bahah

I'm not sure if anyone has the passion to HATE me.

I'm anxious again, and my feelings are working it out with food... sigh.

Food is much less complex than my emotions That's why I go there, I guess.

I did call my T today to leave a message, after I checked in with her.

My worry today is she is bored of me... I guess that kind of statement makes it sound like she wasn't bored before. I'm just wondering if I'm getting monotonous.

There is a great big hole in my life right now that this anxiety is filling, and i'm holding off the anxiety anchoring to my T... while I try to figure out what it is that goes in the hole. I need to stop purposely filling it or not filling it w/ foodstuffs.

Sigh, anyway... off topic but....

Have you ever wondered how to become INTERESTED in something? I seem to fall in to the things I'm interested in... and become passionate about them. No passion right now... especially not for my therapy.

This would be a good time for a cheesy "Fall in love with yourself! " Moment that I'm sure my T would not miss, as she would also not miss my promise to throw a pillow at her.

Back to being a responsible human. Somehow.

Cat,

I know I am late in responding, sorry. Though my T allows contact, this almost word for word is what I struggle with. I wish I could share the struggle with him? He prodded me a bit last week to talk about it. Just don't like the neediness at all
I feel ya.. glad it turned out well..

((A)) i wish you could share with your T how you are struggling to. It's very vulnerable sometimes, well... to admit they matter so much.

((Hollow)) A magical sense of total certainty makes sense... control. That is what I am looking for so often. I think people with a greater resource that has filled that hole do feel a sense of 'good' in the world... that is what many people lose in a poor attachment history. A sense that there is 'okay'. There is okay... but sometimes I don't have time to find it predicting and planning for everything bad. Sigh...

This morning I wanted to check in w/ T after a nightmare about her - which... was very odd because my T was paralyzed on her right side. Which was disturbing but also something I told her I could fix, but she wouldn't let me. Even though I could 'see' exactly what was wrong. I'm very intuitive about illness. Anyway, I don't remember much outside of that... but I know I work up so hurt. My T called at the exactly moment I picked up my phone. She is very sweet.

Anyway... coffee... I must get this.