I have spent the last couple of weeks feeling like I could trust my T and finding it much easier to talk to him. But I still want to call him between sessions. I find myself struggling with the desire to call him even though I don't have a real problem to discuss.
I've been participating in an assessment by a group of trauma experienced psychiatrists from a hospital near to where I live and it has been unsettling. I called my T after my assessment session on Tuesday and I told him that I wanted to call him and I didn't have a reason and I hated that feeling. I didn't tell him that sometimes I watch the clock all day thinking he might answer now because it is 10 minutes before his first session or it is his lunch or it is too late to call now he has probably left. He told me that there was nothing wrong with feeling like I wanted to call him and it bothered me because I was afraid of what the feeling represented for me. I disagreed and said the feeling upset me. He said why can't I just acknowledge the feeling and I said we can talk more about it on Friday.
Today my session was awful. When my T tried to talk about why he thinks I am so upset about wanting to call I started imagined getting a call telling me I had to get to the hospital (I didn't want someone to be hurt but I thought it would be a good reason to leave immediately). While he talked about my feelings of wanting to be connected or in contact and how scary it was I felt like I was breaking into a million pieces and I couldn't really hear what he was saying. It was awful. He never says it is okay to call him or talks about attachment being necessary. By the time the session was over I was a mess, crying, dissociated.
I sent him an email to his phone (not his office) this evening telling him how upset I was by the session and he didn't respond. I realized I knew he wouldn't respond and I was setting myself up to feel abandoned again. I hate needing so much and I hate it because he never explicitly says anything about attachment, or connnection, but he is always there when I go. It is so hard to know what to do next.
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