I think 'feeling' a T in the room is akin to feeling comfortable or safe.

Sort of like the difference you'd feel driving your own car versus someone else's. Or being in a new place versus a place you always go. Or snuggling with your kitten and knowing what they like versus some new kitten you have no idea what to expect...

I'm not sure if that helps. I know when I feel my T in the room with me... I feel like I'm wrapped in a comfortable blanket at home, when I don't feel her in the room I feel like I'm in a business meeting.

i'm not sure i know exactly what you mean. my experience often times is, i go to therapy and i "feel" him in the room (usually in an intimidating way .. i know this is more about my relationship with my father than it is about him as a person), but i don't feel or hear his caring and compassion until after i've listened to our recording at least once, if not two or three times. i wonder if your not "feeling" him in the room is a defense mechanism to keep him away, at bay? i think that's kind of how i work, and wonder if maybe that's what's going on with you. i don't feel particularly "close" to him during a particular session, but later when i'm listening to a session i often hear concern in his voice and in what he says when it totally is lost on me while in session. i push him away during session, but when i listen to our sessions in private, i oftentimes feel caring and affection towards him. it's a strange dynamic. is that what it feels like for you?

Hmmm, don't know if this is helpful but for me, when I don't feel T. is when me (the adult) is very present in the room and I am talking facts and not emotions. But, I don't this is a reflection of T., it is more about how I box her up into different parts that match my part that is present. Sheesh, I sound crazy.

It sounds like a dissociation experience to me. It's familiar because my inner world is divided into many compartments, like a desk with many drawers. I would suggest you might be so scared that you've hidden in one of the deepest drawers in the desk until the situation looks safe enough to look out and try opening the drawer your mind stashed the T in. Sounds funny, maybe, to people who don't experience dissociation. If this connects in any way, you might want to look up Dissociation on the web and learn more about it. It is definitely treatable.

Catalyst, CD, SP, RM and Skylynx: Thank you for replying. I apologize for the delay as I just took my last final for the semester so I have been studying quite a bit.

To be honest, when I read the replies I felt as if I still am not able to articulate what it is I mean. Skylynx...the dissociation you spoke of is a possibility. I can not "feel" him. Does this make sense? I hear his words, and yesterday he was asking questions, engaged but I was quite upset because I could not "feel" him. When I ask myself what I mean by this, I am not sure. It's as if I can't get past not "feeling" him.

I cried the whole session yesterday, as some of you may know, one of the abusers died and let's just say I have been in a bad place so much so he offered another session this week.

Things have been compounded as this has stirred up so much between the siblings and a lot of harsh words, memories are resurfacing and when I left the session I was having trouble saying what I meant by not being able to "feel" him. I did tell him and he asked me to reflect on how he was during the session and perhaps because I wasn't present (disassociation) I felt he wasn't present. How do you get past this? The disassociation? It's not as if one goes into the session and says, "Today I think I will disassociate." I literally feel myself slipping away. I try to tell myself, "No, no, no, don't do this..." and yet I am gone. This has been such an exhausting week.

Thank you for replying and I am sorry for not giving individual replies.

Thank you for listening.

All the best,
T.

TAS... you cannot feel your T because you are blocking and denying the right brain attachment feelings. You are likely doing it out of fear of allowing someone to get close to you. You can only feel him if stop blocking that connection. And you are afraid if you DO feel it then it may feel really good and of course you believe you don't deserve it or it will disappear on you or both. You may occasionally get a small example of how this would feel and those good feelings are quite scary. I also believe it's that inner child in you that really wants the connection and you are denying her the ability to connect and feel your T so she causes you to dissociate. She has needs that you are denying to her and she is angry with you. She needs to be heard.

I know that speaking for myself... when I "feel" my T I am allowing his warmth, empathy and caring into me. The child feels the nurturing he offers. I am looking at his eyes and I allow myself to respond to what he is showing me by either smiling at him or teasing him or speaking very softly to him what he is stirring up inside of me.

It's in those very intimate, quiet moments that I feel him the most.

Hope this helps
TN

Thank you TN How do you stop doing something you are not aware you are doing...as far as blocking the attachment?

I know I am petrified, literally scared to death to actually look at him and believe he has good will towards me.

Sometimes I think it is easier to not allow them in than to allow them in to only feel pain.

Thank you so much for your reply. All of you have given me something to definitely think about in depth.

All the best,
T.

I've been reading a lot about treating Attachment Disorders and Dissociative Identity. The writers of modern treatment include Balint, Bolby, Pete Walker, etc. Great strides in treatment have been made this past decade, based on that research. It used to be that therapists would point out to the client that they had a Transference relation, explain it to the client, then leave it up to him to resolve it or drown in it.

It's all different now with the new knowledge about attachment. The T encourages it and gently helps you work within the feelings, both love, anger, and fear.
The fear that's worst, I think, is of letting your inner child come forth and love the therapist, only to be told 'Now, you just have to tough up and grow up." But the modern therapy is now to let the Inner Child feel all the old feelings on the T, without judgment. Soon, there will be some yearning and grief coming up over your childhood abuse and deprivations. This all allows your mind to become "rewired" in a healthier way. The love is allowed equally with the anger and fear. As transference love works out its entanglement, you become strong and able to deal with all this mystery and confusion. You, yourself, will feel your growing strength, not just be kicked out sometime in the future.
I'm in the middle of that now, and this time I believe I will make it to wellness.

Great post Sky. I, too, believe you will make it to healing. That was a very good explanation of how it works and what I am working on right now with my T. I think you are likely further along than I am but I can see the path in front of me that you describe. It can be scary and daunting at times and there is a lot of going forward only to take 2 steps back, regroup and then try again. We go in stops and starts and circle around again. It takes a long time but you can't do this work quickly. My T is fully accepting of the child's love and assures me it does not scare him and who would be scared of a child? He also will not ask me to leave. That is my choice. He says I may not always need him this intensely but we will ALWAYS be attached. All of this is on my timetable. That helps me in taking those steps forward. I just remind myself of what he says and that he never says anything he does not mean and this is backed up by his behavior.

Draggers...is that a question for me or TAS?

TAS... You really need to read the book I described on the most recent post in the book forum. I think it will answer a lot of your questions and the writing is not to easy nor too clinical. I find it very helpful and comforting to be able to understand what I'm feeling and why and then how it can be worked through. Book: Healing Developmental Trauma by Laurence Heller.

TN

TN: Thank you for the book and I will definitely check it out

Draggers: I am not sure. If I am doing the numbing/detachment, I am not trying to. I am frustrated with myself.

I guess I need to be more self-aware.

Thank you,
T.

(((TN)))

That book looks great. I just downloaded it. Thanks for sharing.

True North, I hope the best for you, too, in your discovery of your Inner Child. I agree that it is the therapist that makes all the difference. If the T doesn't fully accept this Inner Child work, it's hard to trust. It's already so hard to trust. But my T loves kids and comes across so harmless, and at Easter she talked about the cute bunnies, chicks, and ducklings. I couldn't help breaking out in tears from her talking to my inner child that way. Nobody can make me break down by threats or tough talk, but sweetness really does it!