Hi, True North. I'm pretty new to the forum and never properly introduced myself...and now I'm replying to a co-moderator I hope that's OK, and if it's bad manners, can we blame my inner child?

My T has tried to get me to talk to "the little girl" inside me and I can't tell you how much I hate the phrase, the concept, the whole idea that I'm paying T to help me and her advice is for me to talk to an imaginary little girl?? Gah.

I don't mind the "inner child" idea quite as much--hard to explain why. Anyway, up until this past weekend, I had only "contacted" my inner child once, when I was really mad at T and told the inner child that neither of us ever had to talk to T again if we didn't want to (no DID parts here either).

This weekend, after an important session, I started to feel more needy and insecure and broken down than ever before, with a desperate longing for T and wanting to know she did not think worse of me after our session. I can't explain it very well, but the feelings were so deep and I felt so...very...small--and with that, I recognized for the first time how the "child" me must have felt when I was wanting/needing parents' support but couldn't ask for it (CSA w/in family). The feeling in that moment and the realization of how much pain my child self must have felt--it was powerful. I don't think I'll ever roll my eyes about the inner child again (but I'll never admit that to T )

RabbitEars (InnerRabbit)

((TN))

I'm sorry that you are feeling destabilized but I can relate. I think I would have a very similar reaction to the suggestion of talking to myself. I hope someone else has some useful comments.

Hi TN, I'm sorry you are having a tough time right now - I can understand why this is so challenging. I felt completely ashamed of my inner child for a long time. I knew she was there and held a lot of my shame, hurt and longing for connection but it took ages for me to acknowledge her.
My T is Gestalt trained and when I started with her she would often try to get me to sit in different chairs and speak from different parts of myself which were in conflict. I went along with it once or twice because I wanted to be a good client but it left the inner child bit of me terrified - she always came out feeling weak and pathetic. Once I'd worked out how to tell T the effect of this technique, she didn't use it again. What it did
do was help me see that part as a "real" part of me and I often write to
T from that place. I've moved from using that part of me as a scapegoat for all the feelings I don't want to own (anger, hurt, disappointment, shame, grief...)to realising I need to allow those feelings to be expressed. Sometimes my T would ask if she could talk directly to the inner child... I did feel ridiculous letting her do this but somehow it helped for her existence to be acknowledged.
My T does suggest I talk to her - I hated this idea on 2 counts because my inner child wants my T to look after her and my adult self thinks it is a waste of time. But... I have read a lot on self compassion and I re-framed it slightly as getting into the habit Of speaking compassionately to myself. My adult self talk was full of
"it's fine, pull yourself together" but now I try to acknowledge
That my feelings are there, that I can share them with my T if I want to, that they will pass and that it is ok for me to have them. When I first started this it often made
Me cry, but I figured that maybe that was ok too. Now, I find it supports me a little until I can seek support from others.
I'm not sure if this is helpful at all, just my way of working with the idea.
Take care, Iris x

((TN))
Although T and I don't use the specific inner child terminology we do talk about little girl me. It is normal to feel destabilised and broken down - that's our defenses coming away and the pain and grief of the little one coming forward. Although it is profoundly hurtful to know these feelings, knowing and processing them is the key to healing. And learning to talk to her will help you care for yourself in a way your parents didn't xx

Hey Tn

I totally relate and I can really understand how it has destabilised you. When i read your post I could see you in my mind and I felt some of the pain as if it were happening to me. It affected me.

Talking about inner child work is bizarre to me. Totally bizarre and I just don't get it. My T has mentioned it very early on and I told her she was speaking in another language and I freaked me out. We don't bring it up now as I haven't moved on or improved enough.

I wonder that because you (and I ) have had such a strong reaction to it being suggested that it is exactly what needs to be worked on with us, maybe it is THE most important part of ourselves / therapy that we need most help with. And hence, it is so hard.

Thinking about working on it terrifies me also.

I don't have ideas of what you do next.So i will tell you what you have told me so many times - talk to your T, tell him how you have reacted and work out a plan together.

Somedays

My T wanted me to do that all the time, and I'd always side-step it somehow. I do feel that I have different "self-states" or whatever they are...Different parts that have different thoughts and thought patterns, feelings, etc but not quite to the DID level. But my T has, in the past, described me as being more fragmented (or something like that) than the "usual" person.

So, like I said, I do feel there are other "entities" or something like that in me, but I feel like I need to leave them alone. It doesn't make sense to me, though, if I recognize those parts, why I am so opposed to talking to them. Maybe it is exactly what SD and Pops have said - the reason we're so opposed is because it's the exact thing we should be doing.

Hang in there, TN.

I want to thank you all for the thoughtful, generous and informational responses. The most important thing is that I know I'm not alone and that some of you are bravely struggling through this exact same work and others are like me...trying to avoid it or understand even why we have to do this. You have all given me a lot to think about.

I had a really bad reaction last night and emailed T very late last night and he responded this morning. He said it's his responsibility to figure out a way we can do this. I would rather just forget the whole thing

He reminds me that mini me HAS written a few notes to him (in my non-dominant hand) and that it's the kid that wants to sit on the floor and who asked to hold his hand before going into the hospital. Not totally convinced of that. He also does not use the term "inner child" but he keeps telling me to talk to that little girl which really only makes me want to vomit. That is the reaction I have to him bringing it up and wanting to run out of his office.

He keeps telling me that I would like her (have I mentioned that he is crazy) and I should see her/me through his eyes... yeah pathetic, disgusting and repulsive are things that come to mind....along with failure and toxic....

I have done a lot of reading on this and everything says that this kind of work cannot be rushed or attempted too soon and that it should be done when the patient feels ready. I don't feel ready. Will I ever feel ready? Not sure.

I'd love to keep this discussion going so if anyone else has anything to add please do so.

I will thank you all individually when I have more time and privacy to do so... am physically not in a secure place right now...

Thank you all for being so generous
TN

Hi TN,

I don't know if this will help, but there was a little while there when I was writing journal entries to myself in different 'voices' and I learned a lot about my feelings that way.

I didn't really feel comfortable with the whole 'inner child' concept exactly but I was getting really confused by a whole lot of conflicting feelings in my head about stuff. So I just decided to give the feelings a voice each, and call them 'V1', 'V2', 'V3' etc. So rather than trying to 'see' who was talking or decide what state it was or make it concrete like an inner child I just kind of listened and wrote down what I heard. That made it easier, I think.

Once I did that and split the different feelings into voices I just ran with it for a while and really found out a lot about the background to the conflict inside. And it seemed like an easier way to do it, I just put aside any preconceptions I had about 'who' might be talking, decided I didn't really know anything about those voices yet and let them talk for themselves. Calling them 'V1' and 'V2' etc really helped, because it kept them kind of anonymous and I could focus more on what was being said rather than who they were.

I have said this before on this forum, but I'll go ahead and say it again. We are more complicated than simply having an adult self and a child self. Depending on how you choose to see things, we could each have many younger and many older parts.

In my opinion, it's unwise to go straight to working with young and vulnerable parts if you're feeling fear or resistance about it. The best thing to do is to first work with the parts that DON'T want you to work with the child parts. You may have many parts that are protective of the younger parts, or are doing their best to keep them hidden. You need to address these concerns first, and develop relationships with those parts before they will give you permission to access the younger parts you want to work with.

One way to do this would be to start by asking yourself, "OK, when I think about doing inner child work, what do I feel?" Maybe you feel fear. So you can feel what the fear feels like, and then ask questions like, "ok, what is the part whose fear this is afraid will happen?" Don't dismiss the concerns but try to understand them and be reassuring. You might have multiple feelings, so just keep working on one at a time until you get there.

((((((TN))))

quote:

I don't understand how talking to yourself cures you.

I don't know if you've read anything about ADD but I think I read is that people with ADD need to develop self-talk so they are not so impulsive. Like, in the moment, they need to learn to be able to think about what's going on and what they want to do in order to gain control over the impulses.

Because the impulses are linked directly to whatever part of the brain that controls behavior. Impulse = acting out.

I don't know if this is what your T means at all but I had an experience yesterday that sort of reminded me of mothering myself the way I should have been mothered but it just kind of happened naturally.

I hadn't been to work out since last Thursday and usually don't like to skip more than a day. I woke up yesterday knowing I had to work out but all I wanted to do was crawl back into bed. In the past, I might have just crawled back into bed (impulse). But yesterday, somehow, I just said to myself, "I know you don't really want to go and would rather climb back into bed. But I also know if you go, you are going to feel so much better afterwards."

I felt like there was a part of me (the mother) who dragged me out of the house kicking and screaming (the child). The mother, though, was empathic and compassionate. She didn't say, hey you lazy thing you, you are such a failure. She acknowledged that a part of me was really tired and hadn't had a lot of alone time lately and just really wanted to stay in bed.

In that way, I was able to coax myself out of the house.

I have no idea if this relates or not to the inner child work. My T and I don't do it. I think what gets confusing is that it seems to be me and so separating the child from the adult or the emotional parts from each other seems difficult when it's just a thought in my head.

Does that make sense? I have something else to add but have to get back to work.

((((TN)))))

((((TN))))

What's hard is that all the thoughts in my head seem to come from one place: me. Things just appear as thoughts and guide my thinking, decisions and behavior. How can you talk to your younger parts until you learn to recognize their voices? IMO, that's going to have to be the first step.

quote:

It doesn't make sense to me, though, if I recognize those parts, why I am so opposed to talking to them. Maybe it is exactly what SD and Pops have said - the reason we're so opposed is because it's the exact thing we should be doing.

Some of our parts develop because we become ashamed of other parts. The parts that develop in response to the shame HATE the other parts and until, they learn to love the younger parts, our emotional needs will remain unmet. Until we, our collective parts, decide that our needs are valid and not shameful, needs will not get met. No one is going to do it for us. Maybe some people can do it some of the time but it's not going to be a consistent thing.

Your T is right. It's his job to help you recognize your different parts. This is tough stuff. Hang in there. You've fought so hard for so long.

Obviously, this is from a DID perspective, but I agree with Poppy that it's on the same spectrum of integration (or lack thereof) and can be a similar experience. And I agree with BLT that the gateway into doing that work is through resistant (protective) parts, which can act out internally toward vulnerable parts or externally sabotaging relationships with anyone who tries to get too close to the vulnerable ones. If you try to go straight to the kids when anyone is not ready, the likelihood is a protective part will scare them and/or you off through intimidation or (more often in my case) shame. I cross-posted with Liese above, but it's those parts she has mentioned developed out of shame for others (or to shame them) that are attempting to protect us from casting out with our needs and getting hurt. Asking those parts what they're scared will happen and really listening and addressing those fears (not invalidating/arguing them away, but trying to come to a consensus of what would make it safe for you and/or T to get close to those parts) will often take you through. T and I had to work with protectors for months before he got any access to any of the kids. Slow going and the slower you take it, the faster/smoother it seems to go.

There are fears of getting hurt, fears that the attempt to get you to connect with those parts is T pushing you away to take care of you all on your own once again when you're not ready...and protectors might feel, "If we're going to have to do that again, why bother letting them into the light of day?" That sort of thing. Maybe they need to hear that just because you will be working to be a safe, accepting, internal presence for that inner kid, doesn't mean the attachment to T will be replaced and they'll be abandoned, left in the cold, but it will allow him more access to help them, because they'll be much more up in your consciousness if the denial and mutual adverse reactions between less integrated parts is reduced. But, my bet is if you have protectors with those sort of fears, they may need those reassurances directly from T (in addition to your own commitments) before they agree to let the little one out to play.

Hi everyone, you have no idea how comforting it is to realize that I am not alone. I talk to my inner child and my T does too. It's only been very recently though that I've connected to her overwhelming sadness, grief and anger..and I actually find it heartbreaking to feel her raw pain. I also wanted my T to comfort and rescue me. I believed a genuine human response would heal the old pain. Accepting (still working on this) that this will never happen and that it's all up to me has created even more reason for the child to grieve. Please keep sharing if you can x x x

What can I say? You have all been so helpful in sharing your thoughts and experiences. I have found some good information here. I paged T today and he called me back right away. We talked a bit and he said he was sorry that I felt so dysregulated over this. He asked me a few insightful questions which I answered and he reassured me that he is not "forcing" me to do this now. He just wants to introduce the idea. I did share with him that it seems I may have a protector inside which is blocking any access to the child part. Oh it just feels so crazy to even be writing this down! Anyway, he thanked me for sharing that important info and said it makes sense and we will talk more about it. I do feel better and calmer after hearing his voice. Even when I'm so angry with him I know he is very good to me and he cares and I'm fortunate to have him on my side.

Hi RabbitEars... it's nice to meet you and welcome to the Board. Just because I'm a co-mod does not mean that I don't get lost in this therapy journey just like anyone else here. I'm glad you shared your experience. I hope to get to know you better.

incognito...nice to see you here. Has your T ever mentioned an inner child or younger part? I hope you are doing okay.

Iris...I don't know if I would be brave enough to try the empty chair technique. I like what you said about wanting your T to look after that child because I think this is what I'd like too. I want him to work with her and leave me out of this and just fix things for me. But he won't/can't and so we are stuck for now. I do know that this part holds enormous shame and then the grief of what could have been and what was lost all those years ago. It's a bitter realization. I'd prefer to just pretend none of that is me and that I'm just fine if I can keep that pesky kid quiet!

GreenEyes thank you for normalizing the feelings of destabilization and dysregulation connected to this work. It helps to know that.

SomeDays...I took your advice and spoke to my T on the phone. It helped. I'm sorry you struggle with this too. I think somewhere deep down I know I have to do this but maybe I need to modify how we do this work so it's not reduced to just talking to myself. And I need to negotiate some things with T beforehand.

monte... I'm always so glad to see you here and to read what you have to say.... I think because we are working on some similar themes in T and I do like your T so I'm interested in hearing how you both work together. Perhaps I can use similar creative ideas to work through this. I believe my T is open and flexible in this area. I also think he WANTS me to ask him for things to make this easier. I am feeling more hopeful tonight.

Poppy! Thank you for sharing things from your view. Yes, I agree we are all on a continuum and so much applies to all degrees of having parts. We have them to hold the bad stuff so we can/could survive what we needed to. And looking at that is scary as hell. Thank you.

Hi Kashley... oh I have side-stepped this issue for some time now. T has brought this up numerous times and I managed to avoid getting too far into it and then he has dropped it. I think we are aware of the parts in some way but it feels safer to leave them alone instead of opening a Pandora's box.

Hi Jones... so nice to see you. I do like to write although I don't do it as much as I used to. My T even suggested that I write her story but I refused, asking him if he thinks I should publish it! I was pretty snarky. I tried in the past to write a little but then I got these overwhelming sick feelings and had to stop. Maybe that's because I did it alone. Maybe I need to do it with T. Thank for sharing your own experience.

BLT... I think you mentioned someting really important... the protectors. I think this is a key to my intense reaction to T. I shared this with him and he thinks it's valuable information. So thanks for that.

Liese...I think framing it as self-talk is better and it may be more doable for me. I do talk to myself sometimes at work when I'm overwhelmed. So maybe I can just expand on that. It's worth trying.

Anon...thank you for explaining some of how you worked through this with your T and for expanding upon how the protectors work and how to work with them. I have read your post a number of times and found it helpful.

Seedling... hello and welcome to the Board. So glad you found us. I'm glad you found a place where you feel less alone. Thanks for sharing.

Hugs to all
TN

Hi!

I just saw this message, so I'm answering, even if a bit late. So I just wanted to add my experience... which is very limited. My T tends to use this technique quite often (with the empty chair), and... I didn't think I could say no, so I accept it, even if I feel quite stupid most of the time, and have a hard time feeling anything because I am paralyzed by the situation.

What I usually do is "cheat" a little bit, because if I am imagining my Inner Child, I am just as harsh as I am with myself, so I usually start with a basic Any child, and then I don't know... I try to keep the feelings to "integrate" them. I know that for myself, I need to be "separated" from myself to be able to feel anything else than self-hate, so I think I see the point.

And what's the role of the T? She directs me when I get lost in the feelings, get to close to see that I am talking about me and thus start being mean to the Child again... and while I cognitively know very well how to do that by myself, I am emotionally unable not to want to hurt the Inner Child if there is no one to prevent me from doing it, because by doing so I try to prove that the way my mother behaved was fine.

So I think that the point is exploring and becoming aware of new way to relate to myself, which are more easily achieved this way.

I feel my message is very confused, sorry.

Hi About and welcome. Never too late to add to the thread. I understand what you are saying. That you behave towards yourself/inner child in the same way your mom treated you and that is what you deserve. But you don't. None of us deserve that abusive behavior. Therapy is learning about these feelings and beliefs and correcting them but it's really hard. Thanks for your comments.

TN

Hi all...

I just wanted to again thank all who replied on this thread to help me. There was a lot of good information here and I appreciate the sharing. Right now, this work has taken a back seat to my grieving over my loss of my dear friend "C" and working through that with my T. I cannot even think about anything else in therapy right now. Aside from that I've been sick for two weeks with and ear/respiratory infection.

I hope when the pain and loss eases that I will be able to return to doing inner child work again and to processing childhood loss and grief.

Just wanted to let you all know.

Thanks
TN

Hi All... I wanted to bump this thread up again because I think that since it was active many new people have joined and also because ...

I am still STUCK in this place with T. He keeps telling me that this is the key to reduce my fears and anxiety. That I have to work on integrating the child part (and others who may exist). I keep telling him that I don't know what he wants from me and he says to allow him access to "her". Then I tell him I can't (he says "won't") and I just don't know how. I told him to please give me a list of things, step by step. Like 1. do this and 2. do that, etc.

I feel incredibly stupid about all of this. I just cannot grasp this whole concept and it feels so elusive to me. And yes, I know, I'm trying to understand all this on an intellectual level and maybe it's not an intellectual exercise at all. We have been stale-mated for a long time over this issue. My T said though that he is pleased that now I can at least talk about talking about it. Before I would just shut down and refuse to speak at all.

I just feel like I'm going in circles and I'm starting to feel really dizzy.

TN

(((TN)))


I used to tell my T I didn't know how I felt BUT there were thoughts flying around in my head all the time. I just didn't recognize them as feelings because I didn't FEEL them. I thought them. I thought them because they were dissociated. And, I couldn't always verbalize them.

I remember my T telling me once to tell him how I felt. I told him that I didn't know how I was feeling but I could tell him the thoughts that were flying around in my head. His response was, yes, that's it. I think you have to quiet your mind and really try to listen to those thoughts as they fly through your head. Maybe you could add some daily meditation. Have you tried meditation?

An example I can give you based on my experience is from my recent vacation. Being in a different environment and away from T for a significant period of time gave me the space to just feel peace. In that space, I was able to see just how often I make decisions to either move close to T or move away from T based on anger, which is really a cover-up for hurt. For example, "he didn't write back to me soon enough, and that means I'm not important to him and so I must protect myself by moving away from him." Seeing T twice a week didn't/doesn't allow me that space because the stimulus/thoughts are there constantly. Have you thought about taking a short break? I could not have even considered this myself except that the trip of a lifetime presented itself and I couldn't turn it down. It was life intervening with therapy. But it's given me the opportunity to seriously think about cutting back to once a week and allowing me more time to recognize and process the things T's triggers.

Your recent issues with T's other Clients seem to be inner child stuff. All your fears surrounding his other clients, attractiveness, etc. Have you talked to your T about that? What was his response when you asked for steps?

I'm not sure my stuff is inner child stuff either because my T doesn't talk like that but I think it is.

I just wanted to add that, with all due respect to those here who do inner child work, the framing of it as my inner child is hard for me to deal with. My last T called her inner child "little Suzie". It just seemed goofy to me and I couldn't work like that. Then again, I have a lot of hang ups.

That said, it makes it easier for me to swallow if I think of it in terms of templates for relationships that were formed when I was a child and that still guide me now even though they aren't useful or functional anymore. It does require stepping back a bit and really listening to the self-talk, obvserving myself interacting with people and listening to the things I say to myself about others and my interactions with them. After all that, I have to challenge myself on the assumptions I make about other people and myself. It's not easy and it's neverending.

((((TN))))

You are working so hard on this.

Hi TN

My T has never mention inner child work, but for me I had lots of thoughts that I thought were really childish and never told my T. Also whenever I spoke about when I was a little girl I always said she or the little girl like she wasn't a part of me. I saw her as a separate being and nothing to do with me. My T picked up on this a few times and would question me about it.

Gradually I began to speak about my childish thoughts for example I remember telling T about a dream, in the dream I was waiting to see my T and a friend was with me, my T came out and invited my friend into the room and ignored me. When my friend came out she told how wonderful my T was and she wanted to carry on seeing her...I was so jealous. I told my T I felt I was going through the 'Mine' stage that toddlers goes through. She's my T and I ain't sharing her with anyone else!

When I first started working with my T I will tell her the little girl sits in the corner of the room with us watching quietly. Once when T was about to go on a break I was crying and told her I wanted to leave the little girl with her. My T said is was ok to leave the little girl with her, I felt really silly telling her that but when I left the session I felt so much lighter

Telling my T all the (what i consider) childish, stupid thoughts has gradually moved the little girl nearer to me, she moved from the corner to sitting next to me. Now she is part of me there are still times little me wants to go back into the corner but my T is very good at looking after her

Going to post this very quickly now coz I want to delete it as I'm sure I'm talking a lot of crap lol

Luc

TN - it is more of a feeling - what my T did that was helpful was to invite me to bring other little kids in to my experiences and what I would imagine they would feel... And that would lead to how did I feel. I think if anything it is allowing the in the moment feelings from back then. My T can usually identify where I am at emotionally - yesterday she joked I was "growing up before her eyes" in session because I went from bawling in my arms about not being understood and eventually got to cheeky petulant commentary as we calmed me down. I think the feelings are easier for some people to get to thinking of it as "outside" of themselves. Just like in many ED programs.

Liese - I don't think I could ever name my different emotional states, I think that would be counterproductive for me personally and my T doesn't go there. My emotions have ages and sexes, for sure - but in feeling. The voice of my Dad I keep inside would be male, for example. And some feelings have ages, like... When I almost drowned (dumb fault of my own) when I was 12, if I talk about that I feel like a helpless kid if that makes sense. But yea, I would find it awkward for my T to give her parts names.

Hi TN,
I can really understand why you are having a hard time with this - I think I would have hated my T asking about my inner little girl if I hadn't mentioned her.
Since you first asked this, my perspective has shifted. Somehow, I'm feeling more integrated, more able to own all my feelings and to take a deep breath and say "I think/feel" rather than "part of me thinks/feels...".
I think the transition sounds much like Luci's. I wrote letters to my T from my little girl, I sat on the floor, I brought in a childhood stuffed animal, I hid under blankets, I stamped my feet, ignored my T. As I learned that this part of me was being accepted, I became more accepting and my T began to remind me that I was expressing MY feelings, that my little girl was part of me. I suppose experiencing it consistently being ok, it IS ok.
Unhelpfully, it's all come as a bit of a surprise to me how things have changed. I wish I could say do x or y and it will work (so I'll know what to do when I lose this sense of my whole self) but I think you know what you need instictively. I wonder if simply asking yourself what the scariest feelings and thoughts to share with your T are and finding a way to bring one of them to a session would be a starting point?
I spent YEARS emailing my T all my unmet childhood longings and insecurities before I spoke about them. And then my T shifted those boundaries slightly and stopped sending reassuring replies and asking me to ask her for what I needed explicitly. The learning to work out what I was after and being able to ask has been very powerful.
Please don't imagine this has been easy - it has involved many tantrums and ruptures and feelings of devastation on the way - but now I've got to an easier place, it's been worth it.

I'm not sure of this is any help - looking back it has been a question of just keeping going in whatever way I could, risking as much as I felt was safe and expressing my fears about not feeling safe. And I've said many times to my T that my little girl doesn't want to talk to her.
(and Cat, I relate to shifting ages within sessions too - definitely found stroppy, smartarse teenager every now and again!).

Sorry if this is long and unhelpful. I wish you well - you are working so hard, perhaps you are exactly where and how you need to be?

With love,
Iris x

First, I want to just give a great big hug to (((Lucina))). I'm glad you posted, and I hope you can leave standing what you wrote, because I find it very helpful.

I've not specifically done any "inner child" work as I've not had any Ts who worked that way. However, it seems to me that when we are feeling those unmet childhood needs, it's the inner child who's having that experience. When we think that what we feel is stupid or childish, it's the inner child. And by allowing ourselves to express those needs, we're giving voice to the inner child. So, not very mysterious at all. Rather, more embarrassing, if anything.

RT

I can't deal with inner child stuff right now but I just wanted to stop in and give support and hugs

(((TN))) and (((Everyone else))))

If my T persisted in wanting to talk to my inner little girl, we'd not last long. I don't conceptualise things in quite that way and I suspect I'd be very resistant if it came up because how I see my inner world mostly works for me. That said, I can see that inner child work does seem to help people that are open to it.

I do relate to having different split off parts of myself. I call them 'self states' because that's how former T spoke of them. When I was really very unwell as a student I'd still go off and teach dance class and no matter how messed up things were, I'd kick into high gear, out would come the sociable teacher persona and I'd get through it. I recognised that coping front was why no GP or university tutor ever really believed how sick I actually was - it was that bloody convincing. It needed to be.

As I began to work through this stuff later on, I then began to see that this coping part was a response to the fact that sad, angry and 'self-indulgent' emotions were not contained well or tolerated in my family. The way to get needs met as a young child was to present a cheerful face to the world so the sadness, anger and feeling desperately like I needed to be taken care of had to go somewhere else. They couldn't exist in the same space at once - my young mind couldn't deal with that.

For a while I had no idea where it had all gone. Until everything went completely pear-shaped I was well known for being calm and never, ever getting angry, Even when I was depressed I didn't get angry. That only happened when I went into a long term relationship for the first time and things didn't go brilliantly. That's when the anger made an appearance. I knew I was nuts but didn't know exactly why and I wasn't really in touch with it. Gradually bits and pieces of the emotions that were shut off were revealed to me when I started to do work in therapy.

So while I did feel very fragmented back then, I don't see those fragments as being either child or adult. A lot of the 'self states' have both qualities to them, which is why I think I'd have a hard time specifically trying to talk to an 'inner child'. I suppose I could try appealing to child-like aspects of the various parts of myself.

I do try to have inner dialogues with parts of me when I am trying to make sense of what is going on in therapy. Mostly I just try to suspend my disbelief and write what I think the other part would say and just play around with it, rather than take it too seriously.

I guess I don't really think that 'integration' is my goal either, just better communication and awareness flowing between bits of me that had to be shut off for my own survival (perhaps that's what integration is to some people, I don't know - I guess it is personal and unique to everyone)

That was just one big massive ramble. I hope it was useful in some way.

Hi all..... sorry I have not gotten back here today. Crazy day. I did read everything and wanted to thank you all for adding/responding to me. I would love to respond individually but I'm really tired and it's late for me now.

I loved all the information provided and the thoughtful sharing. The generosity shown here is just amazing.

I will use a lot of what is written here over the next sessions with T. Tomorrow we are planning to talk about C and the details of the memorial we are doing on Monday at a local children's park. It's a bit scary to think of being with T outside the confines of his office but he says there is a real therapeutic reason and he feels it's important for me to do this. He will just be there as a witness to my sorrow and grief. It means so much more to have him with me. For once I don't have to do something difficult alone.

Thank you all from the bottom of my heart for your advice and suggestions and ideas.

Hugs
TN

Really, really useful information here.