(((((BROKES)))))

So nice to see you! Sorry to hear you are struggling so much. I get those haunted feelings too and they are not fun. I am working on putting those ghosts to rest and they do go away, little by little, one by one. Then maybe they won't haunt you so much.

I hope NewT is being gentle and understanding of your need for reassurance.



Liese

(((Brokes)))

I was just wondering the other day about you and how you were doing. It's really good to hear from you! I also hope your newT stays very steady for you with everything.

(((Unbroken)))

Welcome back. I was wondering how you were. You are ALWAYS welcome to come back. I'm sorry things are a bit rocky with NewT. Do you think it would be possible for you to talk to her about your fear she is getting annoyed. I used to always think that about my T (sometimes still do) and I have found things work best when I express my fears. I understand if it's hard to trust enough to do that, though, especially if you've been burned by others before.

Hi Brokes,
Glad to see you back. Hope all things get better for you...this therapy stuff is hard! And life.



Hopeful

Ooooh! How I have missed the smiley hugs!

Thanks all for the warm welcome back.

New T is pretty understanding, but I think I am starting to ride her nerves as far as out-of-session contact is concerned. I did that before so it's not a big surprise. We had an intense rupture over the last week and will have a session soon to hopefully get back on track. I almost walked away. BUT, if I have learned anything it's basically that I should give it one more session at least to talk it out.

Plus, she's actually quite good so I'd be kind of a fool to walk out.

This therapy stuff IS HARD!

Missed you all!

quote:

I had to really do all I could to keep it together the past few months after losing OldT. It's been a struggle. It's still a daily struggle and I don't know if I will ever be over it.

OldT still haunts me. She's everywhere and in everything that I do.

Brokes and welcome back! We missed you but I understand how it's hard to be here at times. I felt the same way after losing my oldT.

Your feelings that you describe above are so totally normal for someone who suffered an abrupt end to their therapy. One of the hardest things I had to deal with was feeling absolutely haunted by my oldT because he was EVERYWHERE in my life. Everything I touched, everything I wore, every song I heard, everything I ate, everywhere I looked... he was there. I could see his car from my office driveway he was that close to where I work. My son saw him too for therapy and being near my son reminded me of what we both lost. Every damn thing was triggering for me... even the weather!

It was a daily, ALL DAY struggle for me for a year. Then it became a struggle only in the mornings or trying to fall asleep at night. Then it was sometimes during the day and then it was fleeting thoughts when I got triggered by a song or a smell or a sound. I began to cling more to my new T.

What was so important to me in recovery and still is... is that my T is rock solid and extremely accepting that I need contact with him. I don't overdo it...but I do see him twice per week which helps me a lot. But I do usually email once per week and call once per month.

How often are you needing contact with new T? Does she help you process what happened with oldT and the grief from that? You will grieve for awhile and I hope she can accept that. You lost somone very important to you.

I'm glad to see you and I hope being back here will help you heal.

Hugs
TN

Hey Brokes.

Here is a big from me.


Always here for you. Good luck with your session with T tonight.

SD

True North,

Boy oh boy. It's the same exact thing you said. The weather. Some word. Some song. Anything triggers me. I look at people who remind me of her a second longer than I probably should and they probably think I am crazy. I, too, work near her office. It sucks. I hate seeing the reminders everywhere. I hate her right now more than anything. Any reminder of her seriously makes me feel nauseated. Physically ill.

My NewT knows that it's going to take some time working through this. She's been accepting of that. AND she's accepting of contact between sessions. BUT, right now we hit a rough spot because she thinks I am being an "attention seeking whore," and requiring her attention/response more than she is willing to give. I'm NOT! BTW, ("Attention seeking whore" are my words, not hers). We had a BIG rift this week and I am still fuming about it. It's the first time that I have really been MAD at her and wanting to walk away. Maybe that's progress? We are finally getting real? I'm seeing her a couple times a week and it's been good. She's a good T. BUT, she made me mad and I am started feeling the rage build up inside of me.

I think the cause of the issue (contact) and me having a hard time dealing between sessions is a MAJOR trigger for me because that's what prompted my OLDT to freak out. So, I feel thrown back into that at the moment and I am pissed at T for letting it get this far.

She thinks I am getting too dependent. I hate how they promise to be there, and then they wave that too much in your face--with the goal for you to be independent. It confuses me so much. I want to feel close, but being pushed away all the time once again because someone can't handle the intensity of my emotion. Funny this is, though, is that my newT hasn't even seen the reality. I don't feel that intensely about her. I am just beginning to feel a little attached and like having her around. My oldT got the full wave of emotional dependency and it was like a raging fire that couldn't be put out. WELL, until she let it burn out of control and consume me completely ruining everything around me. I'm still broken from her.

I have a session soon so we are going to have some tough times working through this one. I feel like running. I feel like calling in sick. I do not want to face this stuff with her. I am too angry...and I know that I might be pushing the anger for OldT onto what NewT said. BUT, I can't.

It's a mess.

Hey Brokes,

You haven't even been seeing her for that long IMO for you to be too dependent. Have you read any of the CPTSD stuff? It talks about being dependency being a necessary part of healing. We can steer you to some articles that you can bring to her if you want.

It hurts me that she feels you are too dependent. You just are. Why do you have to be TOO anything?



Liese

(((((( Brokes )))))) So glad you decided to come back, it's great to see you around and posting again.

I'm sorry though that things with NewT feel like they're going a bit tits up at the momen. I agree with Liese, how can you be 'too' anything, where's the line between feeling dependent as ok and being dependent as TOO MUCH? You either are or aren't. Therapy chop logic here.

I can see why it's such an issue for you, considering what happened with OldT - I would hope that NewT understands that and is not going to make you feel like an 'attention seeking whore' but instead accepts that this is where you're at and that it's really triggering.

Even if you're pushing the anger at OldT onto NewT, she ought to know and understand that and not take it personally - the best thing she could do IS take your anger, all of it regardless of whether it's 'really' at her or at OldT (undoubtedly a mix of both I'd say.) And good for you for not stuffing your anger but being prepared to bring it into session.

I hope you can talk this out with her next session and that you get some proper understanding from her of what out of session contact means to you

Welcome back!

LL

I can see it a little clearer right now--I'm still in a bit of a haze, but I do believe that I am transferring feelings over OldT onto NewT. Just as you said, though, LL, T should be able to handle it.

There's so much there right now and it's been a while since I have had session and felt consistently good that it's going to take some time to get back on track. I've got lots to plan and think through in relation to my next session. I hope it goes well, but right now I am glad it's not for a few more days. I need time to piece together my feelings/thoughts.

The thing about me is that I am very emotional. When I love you, I LOVE you. I will tell you about it. I think that freaked OLDT out, and maybe something similar is happening with NEWT. I need to control it better, but this is something that I find such a hard time containing. I always seem to get into trouble with T's revolving around dependency issues when I start spouting off words of endearment. BARF. I know!

Dear Brokes, I was really glad when I saw your post. I´ve missed you.

Welcome back!!!

I remember when I was scared some months ago and you really said all the right words to make me better

The thing I feared back then, was that I felt I was loosing my dear T. It happened, I lost her, and I miss her so much. I can truly relate to everything you say about your old T.

My old T is also everywhere in my life and in everything I do. I still google her, read her husbands blog, and look through her family pictures on Flickr. Some songs remind me of her, The weather...when it´s sunny or rainy I think, what is she doing?... did they go to her summer house?, is she snuggling in her sofa?... what is she doing for her birthday?... DBT reminds me of her, and often I struggle during my DBT-group therapy, they use the same words she used to do, they use her "ding" instruments at the beginning of every session, it´s the same room I used to sit with her... but she´s not there Everything is a trigger, everywhere... Yes, I know...it is really a struggle.

I also have a new T now.
How long has it been since you stopped therapy with old T, and how long have you been with the new one?

Another hug for you dear Broken
I hope you keep posting here, and I hope in time it will make you feel better.

Little me (Moomin)

(((LittleME))) - sorry you lost your T? How long have you been going to your new T and is it working out? Today is day 243 of my split with my youngT. Some days the pain is still too much and other days I don't think of her a lot. Thinking of her makes me cry. I don't "see" her everywhere anymore, but at times when I am feeling vulnerable - I will hear music, smell perfume, see her everywhere, hear words she would say, hear her voice, see her face - and they will all trigger me back to the termination day. It does get better.

Thank you SomeDays for telling me that it will get better, for sure it doesn´t feel like that right now. It has been 122 days since I quit therapy with my dear T.

I´ve been going to new T for 7 weeks, tomorrow I will see him for the 8th time. I´m not sure how
it´s working out... Yes I can talk now, much more than I used to, with the T´s I saw before old T. But I know the therapy with him will end in 5 months. I know I will not be able to trust him very well in this short time, but this was the only thing the hospital could offer me.

I tried private clinic but they said it was too risky for them to have me as a patient because of my frequent suicidal thoughts and acts, in last December I almost died and had to be at the intensive care for 48 hours and then at the mental ward.

I know this short therapy is not precisely what I need, but it´s the only thing that is available in my countries health care system right now.

New T described it very well,he said; "It´s like you need a car, but we can only offer you a
hay-wagon. Do you want a ride with the hay-wagon in the meantime?"

I´m glad to hear that now you sometimes get days where you don´t think too much about youngT...
I hope someday soon I will get a break from my constant thoughts of my dear T.
And I hope Unbroken will get there too

I am really sorry things got so bad for you last December. It must have been a terrible time for you. I would hate to know that the therapy had a time limit on it, that must be hard but you sound quite resilient about it. I admire that. I love the analogy of taking a hay-wagon ride. Well, enjoy that hay-ride while you can. 5 months is short - yet you should be able to see some improvements in that time. When I look back over the past 5 months - I have improved in some areas. I have definitely gone forward (albeit in tiny steps) rather than backwards.

Use the forum as much as you can Little Me - the people here are awesome and are my Therapy Group. They help me when my T isn't inside my head keeping me safe.

Unbroken, I was wondering what songs remind you of OldT? And why do they remind you of her?

Some of the songs that remind me of dearT are in my language, but here are two in english;
Too bad some of them are love songs and the L word seems to be forbidden in therapy, and the
T´s think you love them like a lover does. It´s not like that, I don´t love dear T like a lover. It feels more like a baby that misses it´s mum.

Adele; "Sometimes it lasts in therapy/love but sometimes it hurts instead". http://www.youtube.com/watch?v...IfOg&feature=related

Josh Groban's "Lullaby" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v...9&feature=plpp_video

One of her favorite songs.
Ludovico Einaudi "I Giorni" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v...7&feature=plpp_video

I listen to that one often, I don´t think she knows the story of this song, wish I could tell her The inspiration for I Giorni was a 12th-century folk song from Mali about a hippopotamus who was cherished by the residents of a nearby village but killed by a hunter. 'The song,' writes Einaudi in his succinct liner note, 'is sung as a lament for the death of a king or a great person or for the loss of a loved one.'

Thank you again SomeDays.
Yes the time from september, when I really knew I was loosing dear T, when I finally said goodbye to her in december, and the time since then, has been terrible.

But I am making some improvements, I think, and I try the best I can to survive through this awful breakup with dearT. Now I have learned I have to allow myself to grief, that is the healthy way to get through this I think.

And then I listen to Adele;

"Nevermind, I'll find someone like you.
I wish nothing but the best, for you too.
Don't forget me, I beg, I remember you said;
"Sometimes it lasts in therapy but sometimes it hurts instead" He, he

Are you there Unbroken?

Do you feel I´m overtaking your forum-thread? Maybe you feel like I should make my own thread instead of "talking" so much in yours.
If so I´m sorry.

This song was playing in the radio right now.
Can you relate to this song Brokes?
Feels like it´s about the situation I´m in... feels like I could be singing this for dearT.
I miss her so much.

Hurt - Christina Aguilera

OMG! I'm sorry I have been wrapped up in the drama of my other thread, I failed to see this. THIS is where it all exists for me...in the music. I feel so strongly towards song. WHAT an incredible thread. Yes, I have heard the Christina Aguilera song and it's perfect. AND also, Adele is my favorite. I cry and cry and cry at Adele!


I love how you've related song to me Little Me. Thank you! It's how I was able to survive as a child. I'll share more songs that help me in a bit.

Little Me,

We've shared so much of the same experience and we are struggling still with the loss of important people. I am still heartbroken over the sadness and loss of my first T. I miss her everyday. I tell Somedays that every day it seems that something reminds me of her. Some smell, some place, and of course, some SONG! Songs kill me. But, it's the way that I heal!

Somedays actually turned me onto Christina Perri. Have you heard of her?

I also listen to Amy Winehouse. "Rehab" is my favorite song sometimes because I don't know if you remember but OLDT wanted to force me into inpatient treatment.

Others that resonate with me are some Country Music bands. I like all types of music though... rap like Eminem when I am really angry. LOL!

I want to again apologize for missing this thread. This is what I needed. Thank you and it feels good to re-connect with you.

Taylor Swift's Mean helps me:

You, with your words like knives and swords and weapons that you use against me
You have knocked me off my feet again got me feeling like I'm nothing
You, with your voice like nails on a chalkboard, calling me out when I'm wounded
You, pickin' on the weaker man

Well, you can take me down with just one single blow
But you don't know what you don't know

Someday I'll be living in a big old city
And all you're ever gonna be is mean
Someday I'll be big enough so you can't hit me
And all you're ever gonna be is mean


ALSO, I love her "Back to December" song.

I'd sure like to go back to December sometimes....