Hi Em,

I think you were strong to keep your appointment today, because it gave you a chance to hear what your T had to say after she'd thought about the situation, and that gives a better chance at a clear resolution, one way or another.

I think it's worth considering that you can forgive her, love her, want to see her and want her love WITHOUT necessarily retaining her as your therapist. If you don't think she's a great match as a T for you - and because you both struggled over these boundaries issues, I suspect she's not - then it could be the most caring thing to do for yourself to find a different T. But that doesn't have to be an act of hatred or even anger (though the angry energy you rightly have about this incident might be a useful source to help you do it).

I think your husband's suggestion is a great one. You could check out someone else's professional opinion about this, and consider taking them on as a new T if you like them. It would give you the chance to process the situation further (outside your own head), and will mean you're not relying entirely on your current T for support and validation.

I know others on this board have transitioned to new T's slowly as a way to help them let go of the old T - that might be a useful option for you if you decide you don't want to continue with her long-term.

Your T may or may not be sincere, and if she is sincere, she may or may not have the skills to follow up on her sincerity. I suspect if she had those skills, she would have shown them already. She didn't and that is why you are feeling distrust. I also firmly believe it is not your job to have to teach anything to her or give her the space to learn or practice on you.

Keep posting, Em, and let us know how this is going.

quote:

Your T may or may not be sincere, and if she is sincere, she may or may not have the skills to follow up on her sincerity. I suspect if she had those skills, she would have shown them already. She didn't and that is why you are feeling distrust. I also firmly believe it is not your job to have to teach anything to her or give her the space to learn or practice on you.

(Jones- Onec again-this is why I think you are a therapist, you are so gentle)

Hi Em,
Everything that Jones said.
You were incredibly brave to face her and hear her out. One thing I am brought back to is that even though you are so attached to her (yeah- most of us suffer from this to different degrees) you are uncertain about her ability to handle your situation. At the least-It sounds like you may be triggering her- and that she has own work to do. Remember- you are paying her to be strong and deal with your stuff. If she in unable to do that for whatever reason - you are wasting your time and money and you are in more pain. ( I am so sorry to be blunt about it- but for me, I need someone who can deal with what comes up for me. (Jones has the gentle touch)

Every now and again (like now) I challenge my T to see if he is ok handling the stuff I give him. We are at that point right now, as tomorrow I will see him after a big disconnect. I sometimes put on the tough guy attitude just to see if he can still do the job. And yes- I usually melt because he usually does so beyond my expectations. I am not suggesting that you do this- It is just what works for me.- Perhaps an indication of my lack of trust.
We are dealing with the big spiritual big disconnect, at the moment. If I find that he can't handle it (although past practice says he can)then for my own sake I have to go because I could not handle the pain of this.
There are some strong great counselors out there. Like Jones says- explore that option. I think your husband has the right Idea.
Check out what the shrink lady says about choosing a therapist or the info she has about "A Wonkey therapist". Read all you can about attunement, and what that means in the theraputic relationship.
Her job is to take care of you, not the other way around.
I surely admire your courage.
Be Well, Em and be gentle with yourself.

one thing to add:

My T does tell me when I have triggered him. In fact right after the big disconnect- he called me to tell me just that, I triggered the little boy in him, and that he was very sorry.
Now we work on repairing the relationship, or figuring out wheter or not this is possible.

Hi Em,
So glad to find you posting here. I have been wondering about you. I am sorry you are going through such a painfully difficult time right now.

I agree that it was a good idea to keep your appointment. Regardless of whether you decide to stay with her, I think it is important to have a chance to say what you need say (a little John Mayer for a Sunday morning) Give yourself the time to reflect and then decide. I think it would be odd to not feel intense feelings (especially HUGE piles of anger) and one session could not possibly uncover and resolve all of them. Of course you are feeling a lack of trust.

I know it is so painful to hear because of the love you feel for her, but I agree that the relationship may not show a lot of promise. Aside from the fact that she has given some really strong indications that she has work of her own to do through her inability to put your needs before her own to this point, it is really difficult to change an existing dynamic in ANY relationship. I can only assume the intensity of a T/client relationship (and maybe especially yours because it was so close) would only magnify that difficulty. You are in therapy to change patterns of attachment and relationships in your life, not to help your therapist grow in hers. Seeing another T if only to test the waters may really help you get more clarity and may ease the sense of loss you are feeling while you decide what is next for you.

You have already shown amazing strength, bravery, and self-care by confronting your T. I hope a big part of you can recognize and feel good about that!!

Keep posting!!

Hi Em,

Thanks for the update! I agree with Jones and Helle and Seablue in saying kudos for keeping your appointment, that was very brave of you. I'm glad you got the chance to hear your T own up to what she did and apologize for it, so you could hear that this really wasn't your fault but hers entirely. But I can also appreciate the emotional bind that puts you in. Especially with how she let her emotions into the room again by crying. Maybe she sees that as being genuine, but it could also be seen as manipulative. If I were in your shoes I would feel like I "owe" it to her to give her a second (third, fourth...) chance. Which is why I really love the way Jones put this:

quote:

I also firmly believe it is not your job to have to teach anything to her or give her the space to learn or practice on you.

And I also love how she said this:

quote:

If you don't think she's a great match as a T for you - and because you both struggled over these boundaries issues, I suspect she's not - then it could be the most caring thing to do for yourself to find a different T. But that doesn't have to be an act of hatred or even anger (though the angry energy you rightly have about this incident might be a useful source to help you do it).

Even if you don't continue with her, it sounds like this experience will probably be valuable for both of you. I like your husband's suggestion. I also really like how supportive he's being for you. Good luck, and please keep letting us know how it's going.

SG

Hi Em,

I am going to agree with and support everyone's comments to you above. You were incredibly courageous to face your T after all that she did to you, and I am glad that she owned all of it and apologized. I can totally understand your feelings. My T 'cried' (teared up would be more accurate, but it was close to crying for her, as she is not emotional at all) once during a session where I read her a letter expressing how much hurt I felt over things she had done/not done and she apologized profusely and practically begged for forgiveness. I too love my T and have really strong attachment issues with her, so I can understand your pain here and the confusion about what you should do. But Jones (and everyone, really) has given you some excellent advice, and your husband has too. Your T has screwed up big time, and for your own well-being and growth, your greatest service to yourself right now would be finding a therapist that can help you overcome your issues with attachment and relationships. It's hard to give up someone you love, but when you consider that you went into therapy to 'do therapy' and to help yourself get the best out of life, not become best friends with your therapist (and I say that because I need to hear it myself as well), it helps you realize what you need to do, even if it is HARD. Honestly, after what you've been through, I don't think you could truly ever trust your T enough to do the work you need to do, and I don't think she can help you in the areas you're struggling in the most. She clearly can't do them well herself.

Good luck, Em! Please take care of yourself, and keep posting. (((hugs)))

MTF