quote:

i guess what i'm wondering is: is it an acceptable therapy goal to get to the point where you can 1. not get all freaked out about going to therapy, and 2. be genuine and be able to smile comfortably at your T because you're genuinely glad to see them?

CD - of COURSE that's a great goal - and I am not just saying that because it was and has been my goal for 3+ years now. The problem is, you have to go...

Interestingly enough my T and I were talking about goals today - she asked what 'better' will look like (because I've been feeling like I'm done therapy now, but I'm not, I'm avoiding stuff but... pssh details, details). She gave me some insight in to what we've done so far which was what you listed as #1 and #2. And we (I) jump off and on this wagon.

I think in some cases it IS the goal. From what I've read the relationship is one of the largest factors in healing... so the goal to create a relationship (which is what I think you're describing is exactly that - establishing the foundation... doesn't seem like too much to ask for to me.

My relationships outside did not improve until my relationship with my T did, so that I could leverage through that relationship what I needed to improve. So, like in what you asked... you could learn to have enthusiasm with another and not feel it was unacceptable not just by telling yourself "hey it's fine!!" but by experiencing it with someone safe, either T, or with Ts guidance to do so with another close person in your life.

Therapy was anxiety-triggering for me, too. I took a xanax before every session... and... for the first year almost all we worked on or talked about.... was my anxiety about being in session. I can't just talk about something else when my brain is anxious.

Hope that helps? Or at least gave you something to read to pass the time!

G'day CD, I thought you disappeared there for a mo.

Yeah, its all doable stuff. It looks like you done a runner from all your T's good points. I can understand how a positive person can make you feel that too. The more positive they are to us, the more we fear their...........rejection. They can threaten us more than any negative person in our life. Its a cruel fact CD, and one worth noting and fighting for. Some times we are so afraid we reject before rejecting. If that makes sense?

I kind of feel you haven't put your T all together out of your mind, because you still feel you deserve all the good stuff that will happen if you do reconnect with him.

Hi CD,

I don't know that I have a super helpful response for you right now, but this....

quote:

therapy was very anxiety triggering for me. i hated every bit of it because i do like him alot. it was shameful and embarassing and i couldn't take it any more

...I can TOTALLY relate too. And in relation to that, I think your goals are perfect. They are a lovely start to being able to be more productive in therapy. I spent almost 3 years working on those goals with old T before we could even get into the real work. (Not to discourage you), but just to let you know its totally normal. I bet alot of people here relate to that.

quote:

i just can't seem to get him out of my mind. and as much as i like him, i don't like these obsessive thoughts. it's mostly conversations that i have with him in my head. i hope i don't sound too amazingly wierd.

- don't sound amazingly weird at all to me. Sounds like what I did and still do with old T. I think it's normal.
Hang in there CD

Hey CD
I can sympathize about blowing in the wind w/ T. I've never really had goals before. It was more crisis intervention every time & recovery space & the "what if's" if it happens again.

My one T uses a treatment plan. She says it's like a ladder. I put a loft goal @ the top & the rungs of the ladder are small steps to that accomplishment. Sometimes the goals are small & some are pretty big so it depends on what I'm working on. We also try to make some goals reachable in a short amount of time so the treatment plans doesn't really go past 4-5 weeks.
Small steps. Being able to see where I am in the plan helps too bec I'm a visual learner & I can touch it. This makes it real.

Not sure if it helps, but hopefully you can find something to hang on to.
Mudd

i could scream! i had this huge response typed up and then 'zip' it's gone! argh!!!!! i KNOW i should use word and then paste it in, but it just "looks" better on the platform i'm actually posting to. grrrrrrr! k, this will be a shortened version and not as sucinct as the original and i apologize, but now i'm a little pissed

cat, about the "you have to go" part stinks! if there was a therapy called the Vulcan Mind Meld i would be the first in line. i wish! it sounds like you've accomplished my first goal, and it's encouraging that it can indeed be done. i wrote more my first round, but it's getting late for me (i have a newspaper route early morning and a full-time job after that) so i need to make this quick. the part about "hey it's fine" is me to a tee. so, thanks for the reminder that the face-to-face with another is really what needs to be experienced. and also, it's comforting to know i'm not alone in the extreme therapy anxiety class. what you wrote helps a lot. thanks

hey muff, thanks for the nice sentiment you wrote on another thread. that really did touch me, so thanks. lol, a runner i did do! and for sure positive people and abandonment are hand-in-hand for me, and had i any kind of attachment with the folks i imagine that kind of thing would be alot easier to handle. had to leave him before he commanded i leave, or became disgusted with me. thanks for your take on why i can't get the dude out of my mind. i think you're pretty close to the truth, my friend. btw, i really enjoy your posts and it might be hard for you to hear but i really am glad to see you back

(((kmay))) it's always comforting to know that others share your discomfort, know what i mean? i'm sorry you do, though, cuz it sucks. nah, your 3 years sounds okay to me, it's not discouraging, but rather encourages me to plug away at it. gotta say, though, that i really do hate the obsessive thoughts. i hope you're okay

mudd! the answer my friend, is blowing in the wind (we need an emoticon that is a musical note!) i like the ladder analogy. i tend to think if i can't make the goal overnight then it's just not worth it. so, i need the rungs to get to the top, you say? i'll work on that. i hope you're doing as well as you can mudd, i think of you often.

thanks, all. this email i have saved in my drafts folder ... one of these days i'll be brave enough to click on the dreaded "SEND" button.

I'm sure your XT will receive it CD.