I think what your T is doing is trying to remain neutral which is so annoying, but it does force you to make decisions about what is acceptable behavior and what isn't without having him define that for you. It's a pain in the ass to deal with it on your end, but ultimately I think he is helping you and in turn is helping your relationships outside of therapy.

Dear Incognito,

Oh- i relate strongly to what you have written here. Your frustration and your request for a clearer response from your T- all of it. Your T`s respond (or lack of respond!) sounds alot like somehting my T would respond. First off: Like your T said, its a healthy impulse to reach out and want to contect with him. I`d like to cred you for writing that email to him. I assume the content of the email have made you feel even more vulnerable, and therefore so desperatly seeks out a reaction from him, (and fear rejection) in order to feel certaint that you have done nothing wrong, that you are not to much to handle.
I think these feelings are the ones your T are trying to look at, and want you to "work through".

I REALLY understand why you dont feel comforted and reassured by your T`s respond. That nagging worry you are dealing with now, will fade away though.

I `ve struggled with similar dynamics. I have dealt with pretty much the same fears and frustration that T doesnt come straight fowared and tells me if its ok for me to contact him or not, and the same fear that i am being too much to handle. Its sounds like your T are having all the focus on YOUR reaction and fears here, and want to understand them- and actually, even though its hard- i think he`s doing the right thing by holding on to that focus. He wants you to trust your own jugdemental(?) and trust your own ability to "owe" your own feelings and express them. Thats the healing in it, that oyu ont so desperatly need he`s reassurance. With time, these things gets easier. The first year of my therapy, this was a major topic. But little by little, my fear for abondonment after expressing my 'needs' or attachment to T, have faded.I am not overwhelmed by anxiety now, when reaching out to T, or/and expressing my postive attachment to him. I am sure this will be easier for you as well, with time.

Hope this was somehow helpful.
Wish you all the best,

Hi Incognito-
Your post is exactly me- so I will not respond really- I will listen, read to what others say. You bring up exactly what I need to know about as well. I have been distancing myself from T for many of these reasons. Some days i feel like I am punishing myself- but dont know why. Time to read and take in. Thanks for your topic.
Hele

Oh Incognito,

I feel the same way as you do, that I am too much for my T. But he reassures me that I am not. I guess I will have to stay on my toes as I go through the process but trust that he knows what he's doing and that he can take care of himself. He encourages me to keep coming back, not in so many words. But he does say he would definitely tell me if he didn't want to work with me. It's such a challenge and a dilemma, isn't it? I know my T is a caring person but sometimes I just want to ask, and just why is it that you care about me? But I don't have the nerve to ask. Is that kind of what you want to hear?

So, I'm still working on the same dynamic, feeling as trapped as ever in this relationship that both terrifies and nourishes me.

Monte, I got a good chuckle from the part of your reply where you wrote how you're sure your T wants to take a sick day on the days you are scheduled to come in. Your posts are always so wonderful to read and I'm sure you are the same in person. I can't imagine that your T would feel like that. But it is the cross we all bare (bear)?. And, a heavy cross it is, isn't it?.

quote:

He is always willing to tell me that he is aware how difficult it is for me to feel dependent and attached to him. He also has made it clear that he doesn't think there is anything he could say that would make it feel okay to me. I'm angry because I'd like him to try and say something.

Hi incognito... What you are struggling with is very common in trauma survivors. We worry that our issues, our trauma, our tears and pain will be too much for our Ts because they are too much for US. We have difficulty regulating our emotions around the pain and trauma and we believe that it will be the same for our Ts. That we will drown them or overwhelm them or cause them to flee in fear. What we have to remember is that these are feelings and while the feelings are real the danger is not. Yes, it feels scary but is the level of our fear realistic to what will really happen if we share our innermost thoughts with our Ts?

Another thing... you want him to say something to you but... even if he did would you believe him? Would his words be enough to convince you that you are wanted there in therapy with him? If he said to you "incognito I enjoy having you as my patient and you can tell me anything" would you believe that or would you say to him... "you are just saying that because you think it's what I want to hear"? or "you just say that because I pay you" or something similar. His words will never convince you... it's only his actions that will convince you that he cares for you, is trustworthy and you will not be too much for him. My newT has never tried to convince me that I should trust him. He knows how impossible that would be after what oldT did to me. He has never said "oh I'm different and you can trust me I will never lie to you". He knows oldT said those things to me and he didn't keep his word. Instead he is behaving in a trustworthy and safe way. He is consistent, he is boundaried, he is observant, empathic and steady as a rock. It is only by his BEING trustworthy can I accept that he IS trustworthy. Words are empty... watch what they do not what they say. Your T is right that there is nothing he can say to convince you and he is smart and ethical not to try. You also have to allow him to do his job in managing himself and his own boundaries and believe he will tell you if you are doing something out of bounds or asking too much. That is why there are boundaries and it's okay to bump into them at times. This will not end the relationship... but it may open the way for new discussions, insights and discoveries.

And so I guess I can say I have worked through something like this with my newT. I am watching him and he is unchanging no matter what I say to him. He is always consistent, whether I compliment him, complain about something, request something, call him or email him.... he is the same and the more he does this the more I am learning to trust him and the more solid our relationship becomes and the more progress I am making in therapy.

Hope this helps. Hugs to you,
TN

Hi Incognito
It has taken me a while to respond because i have been mulling this over. It is something i struggle with terribly, the feeling that i am a pest and my T also never reassures me in the way i want.

TN's post was brilliant, and spot on as usual. The thing I struggle with is that i seem incapable of believing the evidence, my T will be consistently there for me, and yet i don't believe it is true or that he really means it. Even when his behaviour is consistently trustworthy, no matter how many emails he responds to or how open he is to talk about anything it is like i lack the mechanism within me to believe him.

The fear of rejection is huge for me as well, and the only thing that my T did was get me to think about how i would cope if he did let me down as i was convinced he would. It was completely not the response i wanted but i don't believe reassurance anyway so it did kind of give me a new way to approach the whole dilemma. I had never in all my anguished thoughts around rejection, considered the possibility of actually being able to cope with it. All my effort was going into avoiding the possibility and that was limiting me is so many ways.

I still feel like i am annoying every time i contact him, but there is a slightly different train of thought, that i might just be able to cope with being so awful. Maybe it is the inkling of self-acceptance that helps but what i am finding is that i don't give as much power to the fearfilled thoughts as i used to. They are still there in full glory but i feel like there is a tiny gap where i can see that this is my fear and choose to behave in another way.

I am hoping that with time and practice it will get easier. What i like about it is that i am not forcing myself to believe that my T is good and cares for me which actually feeds the cucle of doubt i am trapped in, if he really knew me he wouldn't, if i was myself he would hate me, if i told him what i really think he would terminate me etc. This way of coping takes me out of that loop which for me was an endless trap with no escape.

I am not sure if your problem is similar but this is a real obstacle for me in so many areas of my life that i thought i would mention it in case it helps.
Pan

So reassuring for ME that you write this Ingognito. I have just posted on my own blog yesterday or Monday all about the dynamics over me trying to reach my P by phone and him not responding and me living in anguish about rejection etc and yet remembering how sweet my P is and that if he knew I needed to hear his voice, he would have phoned. So round and round I went. We are going to discuss it all at my next session on Friday, so that I can find out, as I said to him on thephone yesterday when I eventually tracked him down: "what the rules are so I can know and not break one inadvertantly and you walk away from me because of that."
Our younger parts are so frightened of that rejection and as I am one of a long line of people here who HAVE had T's walk away from them, it makes me even more scared but my P is sweet and he is a gem and I cannot quite believe he is as good as he is, I MUST be projecting onto him, surely !!??!?!?!
I am beginning to discover with him that I can indeed tell him anything and even reveal the most hidden parts of myself and he hears and respects me and handles me with care and kindness and some insight too, when he gets a chance to say something
good luck with it and I just wanted to post something rather than read and not post.