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Can I loose my therapist?

amazonamazonMember
I'm stuck in my therapy. I feel that I need to take another step and go deeper into trusting my therapist, but I'm not able to move on.
There is some important stuff I haven't told him yet, I hardly touched on it. I told him almost everything about my childhood and he was so much with me. I need to tell him now about my complicated relationships with men. But I feel that I need to get closer to him first. I'm not there yet.
It was 5 months ago that I realized that I'm in love with him and he was so accepting and caring about my feelings. I wasn't able to tell him how I feel untill I explained to myself that I don't need anything from him, as long as he allows me to love him. I thought that's enough, that's all I need and nothing more. But that's not true anymore. I need more. I would like to ask for more but I'm afraid I will come across a wall. I know he is not supposed to love me the same way, but I would like him to care, I would like to matter, I would like him to love me somehow. I'm afraid to tell him that because I'm afraid of what he may say. Or he my say nothing, just look at me and that would feel as bad. I'm afraid that if I will come across a wall there is no way I will be able to open up more. How will I be able to? I will be still in the same place i am now or even farther away from him. I won't be able to get closer to him and to trust him. I will have to step back and stay there.

He says that I should think less and focus on my feelings.
Do I feel that he cares? I feel that he gives me himself, he knows me and he sees me, he is so kind and gentle. But I don't trust it.

I'm afraid if I tell him how I feel and what I need, what I want, he will just apologize for not being able to give me what I need. Or he will avoid to respond and my words will just hang on there in the void between me in him. And I will just feel so empty inside.
I can't fully articulate what I feel and what I want. Maybe I'm not supposed to want anything. I'm afraid of being far away from him in this relationship, that I won't be able to connect with him, trust him, be honest and reveal everyting. I will simply loose him.
I'm so in the middle of nothing now. I love him and I miss him. I need him. I'm afraid to loose my trust in him.
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Attachment GirlAttachment GirlAdmin
Hi Amazon,
I am sorry for the very deep pain you're in, I really understand it because I've felt everything you describe. I want to share what I learned about those feelings in case it may help you, but I also don't want to assume that what it experienced is necessarily true for you.

As I walked deeper and deeper into those longings, I finally came to realize that the list was everything I wanted from my parents and didn't get. That the pain of not getting what I wanted from my T was so intense because it evoked all the grief of what I didn't get from my father and mother. Some of those things my T could provide but so many he couldn't. But, contrary to my intuition, it turned out that talking about what I wanted, even if I coulnd't have it, and having those feelings understood and accepted, healed me.

I understand the fear because expressing these needs never worked out before. It's why we expect humilation or rejection, but I do not believe that is what you will get from your T. You may not get what you want, but you will get what you need. I'm posting some links to some older posts of mine I think might help also.

Update on Transference This one was about my realizing that my feelings about my T were about my past.

Why Speak? This was a poem I wrote trying to express what it felt like to be heard even though it couldn't change what happened or restore what I lost.

I am glad you can come here and talk about how you're feeling. There is another side to this despair and fear.

AG
amazonamazonMember
Hi Folks,
Thanks for your replies.
It is getting more difficult now.
I know perhaps what I need to do.
But also I don't know.
Maybe I understand... I need to tell him what I want and what I need. I don't know if i will be able to do it soon.
I understand that there will be a point that he won't be able to give me what I need from him.
But maybe he will hear and embrace my needs and my feelings... hold me somehow... I don't know. I would like him to do and say something that would not feel like rejection. He knows that it is rejection that I'm afraid of. Whenever he will have to stop me, I would not want to feel it as him hurting me or becoming cold. I think I'm actually working now on switching off that need for love so I will be able to tell him, that I wanted him to love me, but I'm ok now, I can tell him now, because it's ok, i don't need it anymore. How brilliant is that? Confused

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