There is some important stuff I haven't told him yet, I hardly touched on it. I told him almost everything about my childhood and he was so much with me. I need to tell him now about my complicated relationships with men. But I feel that I need to get closer to him first. I'm not there yet.
It was 5 months ago that I realized that I'm in love with him and he was so accepting and caring about my feelings. I wasn't able to tell him how I feel untill I explained to myself that I don't need anything from him, as long as he allows me to love him. I thought that's enough, that's all I need and nothing more. But that's not true anymore. I need more. I would like to ask for more but I'm afraid I will come across a wall. I know he is not supposed to love me the same way, but I would like him to care, I would like to matter, I would like him to love me somehow. I'm afraid to tell him that because I'm afraid of what he may say. Or he my say nothing, just look at me and that would feel as bad. I'm afraid that if I will come across a wall there is no way I will be able to open up more. How will I be able to? I will be still in the same place i am now or even farther away from him. I won't be able to get closer to him and to trust him. I will have to step back and stay there.
He says that I should think less and focus on my feelings.
Do I feel that he cares? I feel that he gives me himself, he knows me and he sees me, he is so kind and gentle. But I don't trust it.
I'm afraid if I tell him how I feel and what I need, what I want, he will just apologize for not being able to give me what I need. Or he will avoid to respond and my words will just hang on there in the void between me in him. And I will just feel so empty inside.
I can't fully articulate what I feel and what I want. Maybe I'm not supposed to want anything. I'm afraid of being far away from him in this relationship, that I won't be able to connect with him, trust him, be honest and reveal everyting. I will simply loose him.
I'm so in the middle of nothing now. I love him and I miss him. I need him. I'm afraid to loose my trust in him.