oops, hi, me again...I posted this in your other thread, but I will do here, too. I think that you should tell steady T and do what she says...she seems to really know what she's about, and in advicing you would have your best interests at heart. Trusting her judgement on the issue would be very difficult, though...I get that...and then there is the possibility that she would leave it up to you. idk, Sheychen...just my thoughts...good luck with your decision...let us know how it goes...

BB

Hi Sheychen, i would guess it can work out very well. Though *I* would probably felt very conflicted about not telling T about the other one...Can i ask why you dont wanna let neither of them know about that?

I am sure it would be beneficial for all parts (you and the two of them) if this was known...thats me anyway.

cos I remember the psychologist saying he would did not think it helpful to work with someone else whilst working with him.
SteadyT does not know and has not asked.
Sigh.

Hello Sheychen - sounds a like a great idea, being able to see the two concurrently. I think something like that could work out fine - but here’s a few things to think about (lol there’s always a but isn’t there?)

When I was looking for the right T throughout this last 14 months there were times when I was seeing two different Ts at the same time over several weeks (trying to work out which one - if either - would be good for me) and I found that it was really difficult to keep stuff separate - I’d forget what I’d told whom and started to mix the two up - not able to remember which T had told me what. I also ran into the temptation to play one T off against another - if something bothered me in one session I found myself wanting to go and ‘tell tales’ on them to the other. And I found it really hard to make a proper commitment to either of them. But neither T knew that I was seeing the other, so that’s a different situation.

I think it would be very difficult to maintain two separate T relationships without them both knowing of the existence of the other.

Which brings me to a problem you might run into - here in UK anyway - there seems to be a general policy that a T won’t see you if you are seeing another T. About the only exceptions I think are when they are working together as part of a programme, or if you’re seeing a psychiatrist (mostly for meds) as well as a regular T.

I also found that ALL private Ts I saw would not see me if I was seeing another T - (which is why I never let any of them know if I was concurrently seeing someone else, even on a ‘trial’ basis). A couple of times I was ‘interviewing’ new Ts while still seeing a current T (long term) and they would see me for a first session but refused to take me on as a client until and unless I’d stopped seeing the current T.

I suspect you will run into this as well, both with Steady T and the NHS psychologist (although the psych might actually be amenable to it, seeing as how you’re only going to be seeing him once a fortnight.) It’s a tricky situation - I sympathize with the desire to see them both - even if it’s just to let you get a feel for how one or the other is going to work out for you - but be prepared for a big NO if you openly ask them about this set up.

Sorry to be a wet blanket - just something it might be worth your considering.

LL

I feel I am playing safe just now incase one of them ditches me.
and also, with the C - SHE had the power, now I have the power and I decide who I see when and I can choose to let them know about each other or not.
My child is obviously rather dominant at the moment. And she thinks she will have BOTH and not tell either of them so they cannot try to take one away.
silly really but just where I am at.

quote:

At the moment they don't know that I am seeing any other person apart from them. And I don't actually want to reveal that I am seeing them both. to either of them.

IDK- I think this could be a problem- honesty is always the best way, I think.

Sheychen...I have (for lack of a better way to express it) two T's. One "T" is not really a T but a SD, (Spiritual Director)...he helps me with the specific spiritual problems that I have within my faith, which are central to my psychological setup...but there is a lot of "crossover." I can't imagine being able to be there *without* talking about what is happening in my therapy...i just *do* tell him all about it, since it's kind of crucial to my healing.

I also share alot about what is happening in Spiritual Direction with my regular therapist...and I also can't imagine *not being able to* because of a secret. It just seems like this would really disrupt the process/honesty that we are all trying to learn in therapy. And if you act as a child about this, you can be certain that both T's will treat you as a child, and take your power on making this decision for yourself away from you. Especially the man. It may even feel "pleasing" to you. ( How do I know? I struggle with a lot of the same) But, you will become a helpless victim of two "powerful" adults, in keeping "secrets" from them- the *ones who wield power over you* instead of a collaborator with them in the *teamwork* of your own healing. I do not say that to hurt, but to help. If two T's are helpful and different needs are being met by different people...than you must courageously state your needs, but calmly and with a certain amount of authority- otherwise you run the risk of not being heard by *either* of them- and potentially, losing the help of *both.* Trust is crucial in the therapy relationship...and the therapist needs to be able to trust *you* too. Does it make sense? And then, you must accept the boundary that one, or both T's have- in regards to this, the final decision taking all parties into account...you may, in fact end up having to choose *for yourself* which therapist you want to work with. Making such decisions is very hard!

That being said...I totally relate -and can sympathise deeply with- whatever *guilt feelings* you may have around *daring* to have two therapists. Those shameful (and unjustified) feelings themselves, make it hard to admit to. You may very well need, and deserve two T's. I struggle a lot with this...how dare I ask *two men* to help me...how dare I? I would never have dared- if my T hadn't specifically told me to find an SD, because of my spiritual problem. So, in one sense, I have to really applaud you for trying to get different needs met, by two different people, in a way that was obviously unavailable to you as a child. (Child needs and deserves two loving parents, father and mother, masculine and feminine, totally focused on the child's needs and development) That being said- you aren't a child anymore, and must learn how to function as an adult, in an adult world... which is *most* painful, because those needs were not met. I seem to think that the best thing you could do in this situation, is to casually and confidently mention to your new Steady T, (no titty- T ) that you are also seeing a P for certain issues, and say "I certainly hope you are ok with that." Or some such thing. I personally think that this lady sounds great, will teach you a lot- and that you should follow her advices on these issues. But I really do understand how hard and scary that is.

Just thought I would weigh in again...of course you are free to take or leave anything I say...it is meant in care...as are the other posts here.

Hug,

BB

BB you are so sound. I truly hear what you are saying and I agree. Gosh, thank you.
I do want both and I would like to have both with them both knowing about each other but I suspect they will ask me to choose and I will choose STeadyT as she is so steady and I can work with her and feel safe and helped by her already after only two sessions.But yet again I would mourn the loss of P who is so nice and so daddy like and so respectful and hey - I love all this attention - the part of me that did not get attention when I hurt is just loving it
oh, watch this space, - agonising being so grown up.I did send an email to SteadyT telling her about P, two days ago, but then deleted it.

Just could not face her saying no - and as we ALL know now, she is a bit like AG's ex T - boundaries like a ninja. She just so WOULD say " I will not work with you if you are working with someone else on the same issues"
ALSO - STeady T is going away in two weeks for three weeks so i thought I could see P during that time. And I am only on a trial four sessions with steady T - though of course you can all hear that I am already thoroughly committed to working with her in my own head and she seems to have picked that up too.
urghh, horrible being grown up and having to make CHOICES when I want it ALL (LostChild stamps her foot!) but at least I know what I am doing and not necessarily allowing it, why else would I flag it up here as an issue?
My only hope (small child smiles) is that they will see what they are doing as different, (fat chance) and so not stepping on each other's toes.

I don't want to lose P. I have just lost C - I don't want to lose P 0- he is the one helping me through losing C - he KNOWS C and he was there for me right in the thick of it!
ARghh.
enough
stop writing now.
I have to work towards sorting this out.
thanks all of you for your posts
deepfried, your posts are great, don't worry about them, nor delete, all helpful.

The new T is okay with me keeping going with the P. I don't know what the P thinks as although I left him a message saying I was seeing T, he just left a message cancelling today cos of snow. England closes down when it snows. We go into shock and stay home.

I think I am the only person reading my posts here just now. Hey ho.
My P cancelled on Tuesday as he was snowed in. And he has just called now Friday. And he was talking about how maybe we might look at ending now that I have this T and I just started hurting so much in my chest and then started crying silently. He went on talking and I did not know what to do, I tried to sniff quietly. Eventually he asked me to say something and as soon as I tried to speak it was evident that I was not okay. I was shaking AND crying.
But bless him, as soon as he realised that he had triggered abandonment stuff he said that we can meet and we talk about what I want to do and that he was only sounding out what I might want. So we talked for a while and he is going to see me next Friday knowing that I see T for the next two Mondays and that he also said he will be there for me and see me when she goes away during the few weeks over Christmas and that he can continue to see me if that is what I want. He was just asking me what I wanted and he was assuming I did not want to work with him anymore.
Oh I wish all this did not hurt so much. I wish it was not so painful. I wish it did not mean looking at things that hurt so much I once upon a time buried them deep so that they could not slice me at the knees.

Sheychen I'm so glad that your new P was able to clarify what he meant. He just shouldn't assume that you'd want to leave him. It was good you both discussed this and that he is willing to be a part of your treatment. It's especially good that he can fill in when steadyT has to go on vacation.

I agree another abandonment would not be a good thing at this time. When I was abandoned by oldT and then went to see D... she also abandoned and betrayed me in that joint session with him by throwing me under the bus with regard to the plan we had agreed upon. Needless to say, I could not work with someone like that and I left there.

Hang in there
TN

I agree another abandonment would not be a good thing at this time.
Hang in there
TN[/quote]


thanks TN

I just wrote on my blog about it too
[QUOTE] The psychologist rings. I have no name for him on this blog. He is very sweet. I could call him SweetPyschologist. SweetP. SweetPea! I like it. So SweetP rings and he is trying to work out whether we are meeting and if I am seeing SteadyT, do I still want to meet with him? He keeps on about this and I keep saying I don't know cos I don't. So he suggests that he does not see me until I have seen ST for the last two sessions of the four trial sessions and I say I am definitely going to work with her as she is really good. So he says; "Maybe we only meet on the 17th to talk about whether we are ending or not" and he goes on talking about this. Meanwhile I am feeling both sick and dizzy and then I realize I am shaking and I feel he is trying to get rid of me and I feel really small and really not okay and then I realize my eyes are filling up with tears and then I am crying (silently so he can't tell) and I am hurting right in my chest, right where I hurt with NewFinder when she said she did not want to work with me anymore.


So I tell him. He can tell anyway as soon as I start to speak. And he is so utterly sweet when he realizes that I am hurting and that it is triggering 'losing and ending' stuff. He immediately back tracks on the ending talk and arranges to meet with me the next two Fridays and he reassures me that he will NOT write down the thing I want to tell him but cannot tell him because he will write it down. I was reassured. He said as long as it does not break the rules which are:
not a danger to yourself or others, ie to protect client.
edited

quote:

I think I am the only person reading my posts here just now. Hey ho.

Hi Sheychen - sorry but sometimes it is really hard to keep up with all the threads, however some I particularly follow but on this occasion my connection to the world (net) has been down and have finally fixed the problem How scary did I find that - 99% of my contacts are now worldwide and Anyhow all is ok again
Sheychen, I'm hoping you're feeling a bit better now that your P clarified his comments My immediate reaction was that he thought you were abandoning him and was seeking your clarification Gosh it's hard being human sometimes isn't it?

quote:

He seems happy with this and so does ST.

Fantastic

quote:

Humm, I might be posing a danger to myself but not in the way anyone else can imagine.

S, what do you mean??
Morgs

Thanks Morgs, really kind of you to post, you know how lonely and isolating this journey can feel.
I woke this morning feeling LUCKY (WOW!) that I have BOTH of them. I feel a bit safer somehow.

Also - posing a danger to myself, if you read my blog in November for what the 8 yr old does/thinks when upset, well the adult has found an adult (via the internet - shame) that would go along with that, which would possibly put me in danger. I am so hoping that it does not come to that, I have told enough people to hope that between them and me we could stop the littler me trying to get what she wants when she hurts.
Also I have not told the P all that bit yet, so hoping I can when I see him on the 10th.
Hope that makes sense.

Hi S
Will try to catch up on the november (8 yo) blog tomorrow - just got to go to bed now.
You take care and be gentle with yourself
LOL
Morgs

REally having a good weekend, of happy time with my family. Really nice.
I am aware that I feel cared for by
1. SteadyT
2. SweetP (the psychologist, who is VERY sweet)
3. even residual feelings of care from my ex C

so that is nice. Feeling cared for is such a nice feeling. Warm and glowing warm inside.
I see SteadyT tomorrow, and also have some new EMDR from a new person tomorrow morning (willing to try ANYthing!)
and then I shall see SweetP on Friday afternoon.

A week of caring - sounds good to me.

I am glad to hear this Sheychen, nothing like those warm glowing feelings... Good luck on your session tomorrow, and friday afternoon..And thanks for sharing the dialoge with Kabat-Zinn, it was very interesting and i looked him up on yourtube and saw one of his speaches about mindfulness.
Keep enjoying the good feelings!

Just had a session with the EMDR therapist, she was so nice, and lent me a bear!! She even said if I could not pay she would work with me for free. Wow! I just liked her and I liked the EFT stuff she has given me for homework, tapping the body.
I sure seem to be collecting a good team of people to help me, right now. Of course - we can all warn me I might get confused with seeing THREE different people, but hey, I am going to see who it pans out for me and adjust accordingly.

HI Sheychen,

Just wondering if you have passed your 4 sessions with steady T? If you posted that somewhere else, please excuse this post. Have you and she decided to commit to one another?

I had the thought when I was leaving old T and starting with new T that I would see both of them. I told new T that and he replied that you can't see two at the same time. That's just his opinion. I can see how you could play one off the other and not get totally intimate with either.

Session three with steady T happened this afternoon, and last of the four next Monday. I think I shall continue with her, they are all happy that I have the THREE of them in place, they are fulfilling different functions and so it seems like they are 'my team'.

I also feel more in power, like I have 'hired' two of them and that feels much easier than being told by them what and when and how I can see them and for how long.

After Firstfinder, the C, I don;t EVER want to be in that powerless position again of having no say, not even asked, just TOLD you WILL be ending
and ' you will not have anything extra than one session a week'

So things are feeling a bit more stable. A good session with STeady T. Felt really open and able to talk to her. I had the scariest snow journey to get there, and was certain several times that I would not make it, the snow was so thick and actually I was 10 minutes late.
I feel exhausted, three hours of therapy in one day is enough to exhaust ANYone. NEXT week I see steady T on Monday, EMDR trainer on Tuesday and SweetP on Friday, so better spacing.