1. that I need a specialised therapist who can deal with deep trauma
2. that I don't want my sessions with my present therapist to be jeapardised if that happens
3. That I am not sure my present T can cope, is able to handle the depth of what I am bringing
4. That my current T has enough supervision and experience of severe trauma symptoms to be able to keep going at this level.
He said he would
1. meet with my current T and ask her how long my therapy can go on for, how is it being funded. I find the unknown ness of this scary.
2. check out with her whether she feels she is out of her depth
3. check with her whether she has adequate support
4. find out if there is a trauma specialist within reasonable driving range from me. And how long I would have to wait on the list to see them.
5. And how long my surgery is prepared to fund my therapy there,
6. What other pressures/expectations are on my T from the surgery,
he heard how hard I am finding it. I felt truly heard. He did not poo poo my extreme anguish and debilitating condition (inablity to keep working, hard to handle the time between sessions without extra help . I told him that I have been using my old T, of 20 yrs past, to get through this week, which seems unfair on her. She is doing it out of the kindness of her heart.
I did not tell him that last session my T broke down and cried on me. I did not say I thought she was out of her depth. I did not say that I felt very misheard. I did say that I had strong attachment issues to her so that pulling the plug on this would be detrimental at this stage.
He was quite helpful and will arrange to meet with my t and discuss these things and then come back and meet with me early November.
I very nearly did not go. I just thought 'what is the point? I will just be misunderstood again." but actually I approached the appointment with a very adult manner and was clear and articulate and to the point and very grown up
I came away feeling more impressed by how well I do cope, as of course he asked me what had actually happened to me to cause the trauma and when I told him, briefly, he gasped - as all people do and I was very clear about how the worst bit is the silence, that 99% of the people around me don't know, because if I tell people, then I have to cope with their shock and their pain and their distress.
We laughed that I would like to be the 17th client that week who had experienced something so extreme rather than the extreme person that everyone in the teams hears about and I become a bit of a 'gosh that is HER!' - it is not the kind of reaction that is helpful. But it IS rare to have happen what happened to me, and it is so out of people's normal range of understanding that I cannot even really tell people I have known for years. they know SOME thing is up. but not what happened.
I have my next appointment with my T on Weds at 1pm and I have no idea how she will be.
1. she could say she cannot handle it anymore
2. she could still be firm and keep telling me that I can't record or can't have stepping stones etc and we just end up arguing again.
3. she could be upset still from last week.
4. she could try another one of her ideas like have me draw or something - yuk
5. I could try again to make her hear I need to talk.
I told the clinical psychologist that I have spent four sessions trying to be heard that I want to talk about something and yet finding I can't and he said, well it might take another five sessions and that is okay.
Which was a really really helpful thing to say.
there was me thinking I have to tell ALL of it - all in one go
but no, I can go as slow as I like.
HA!
I do feel hurt that my T cried on ME and she has done nothing - she has not sent ME a note saying I am really sorry that I did that, or anything, whilst I sent her a flower thing. Like she lets me suffer and it is okay. I find it hard that she suffered.
It triggers my buttons that my pain does not count.
Obviously little me stuff.