To not reach out makes things worse.
This is a bit counter intuitive but try and follow me here.
When you reach out to someone and they don't repy or they reject you, one possible route is the provocation of shame, self hatred, anger, depression, rage even suicidal thoughts. The other possible route is taking the perspective that there is nothing wrong with asking for help and if people don't, it's because of THEM not YOU. There is nothing wrong with having needs or needing or asking for help.
But your T needs to accept your very understandable negative reaction to not being responded to more quickly and help you to understand what's going on.

I hope this helps Tas xx

You're right Cat that people are entitled to draw their own limits and nobody is always available and if they were it would be unhelpful because we would never learn self soothing or independence. I think my point was that someone bing unavailable doesn't mean asking for help is wrong and that the self is defective if help isn't forthcoming. Imho healthy functioning successfully balances dependency and independence while maintaining a positive and integrated self.

hi TAS. good question. did he eventually respond?

Cat:

quote:

On the rare occasions that she does respond I feel elated out of all proportion to what she actually said.

i've had that same experience. about a month after our last session i sent T an Xmas card to tell him he meant alot to me, he replied via email that it was a great card and to have a great Xmas. before i had even read the content, the fact that he had replied to me at all was something i had never expected, and my feelings absolutely hit the ceiling. i don't know if it was dread or exhiliration. just wanted to let you know, Cat, that whatever i felt was WAY out of proportion to what was said in the email. really, it was the gesture that spoke volumes.

TAS, i think you're making huge progress with your T, whether you realize it or not. althought you're still fighting, i see a softening lately and i think it's been been healing. at least i hope so. i'm glad to see you're persisting, as difficult as it is. keep posting here, because i think people really do care what's going on with you. take care

I used to have the problem, I guess...but it was more like, it didn't matter how quickly he responded, because the projections of my own internal shame, self-loathing, etc. were so horrible and immediate that just reaching out at all would cause me to start doing it. I had the benefit of being slightly aware that it was coming from inside me and probably not his reality. For me, it was a lot of disorganized attachment stuff, because there is a lot of splitting around approach/avoidance inside. I think experiencing delays in hearing back, yet ultimately getting positive, connected responses, has built a lot of trust in who T has shown himself to be over the transferred or projected images that we used to protect ourselves from the risk of connecting.

Now, even if I don't get a response to something and sink into shame, I'm usually able to wait it out or reach out again and clarify what is needed if it doesn't go away on its own. Lots of very young stuff, though. It reminds me of when I was studying early childhood education and later preparing to be a mom. When Boo was an infant, if she would cry out, I would go in there and to tend to any need she had. And at that age, everything (food, diaper, comfort, etc.) was a need. As she grew into a young toddler, there were times she would cry simply because she wanted to stay up later and I had to set boundaries and make sure that my behavior attended to all of her needs, even when they were contrary to her wants. She wanted to stay up and play, but she needed to sleep to stay healthy. So, I guess I feel safe now, because T gave me a period where he recognized and attended my needs, but has also shown that he can set boundaries when what is wanted isn't healthiest for me or would derail the self-care that allows him to tend to my needs in the frame of our work together.

Other than feeling guilty for all he does, I've come to the point where him setting a boundary feels so good and safe to me. But, if he had started out that way (uninviting of or unresponsive to my crying out), when I was still trying to make a connection and learn he was a safe caregiver who I could trust, I don't think we would have ever moved beyond it. It would have replayed the unpredictability of my own early stages, and I would have had no reason to risk to change my approach to the attachment dilemmas and ambivalence they create.

I do think, however, that each client and each T and even each dyad or pairing is different and just like a parent needs to do what is best for each child (which might mean different ways of interacting), a T has to determine that as well, with the help of her/his client's feedback.

(((TAS)))

Does he make you feel important to him? It sounds like you don't feel very important to him. Yes, he has other clients but you should feel like you matter to him.

cat, what happened w. old T when you felt enmeshed and trapped? did you terminate? how did you navigate that? thanks.
rock

tas- i think stopping reaching out needs to be determined based on what is best for you. i can certainly relate to everything you said in terms of your feelings about the situation and a feeling that it doesnt feel good to wait for a response and wonder.