I wish I could describe all that happened to day but in the long run what it boils down to is I am so scared right now. There were so many triggers today and especially tonight.

I am very shy (I know! Big surprise right!) I have deliberately hidden away from people for nearly 13 years. I have friends but they are all old friends. I have refused to make new friends since about the year 2000. As things shift and change with my old (pre-2000) friends I am getting more and more isolated and alone. So the T I had (the one who dumped me) pushed me really, really hard to go out and meet new people. Well, the strange thing is that even after she quit with me I still find myself doing what she instructed me to do. I think that's really odd because obviously it was no her influence as much as my own determination. So this seems like a good thing.

(record scratch!) Tonight among other things it has gone too far. I got involved with a woman who lives in my neighborhood. I mean we have become friends. Brand new friends but friends none the less. I can't get into details about what happened, but long story short I don't think I am very comfortable around her. She overwhelmed me after a while. She was trying so hard to make me laugh and I don't laugh easily. It got tiresome. I mean I do laugh but not necessarily when it's expected of me to do so, if that makes any sense?

So now I am back home. I don't have old T. I don't have a relationship established with the new T who is into assessing me right now and we haven't done one bit of therapy. I am feeling so scared and like I don't know where to turn. I did call the local crisis line and they actually seemed to want to get me off the phone asking if I had someone I could sit and talk to while I am so scared. Now I used to work for this place. I used to answer the phones there and at least when I did it we were to talk to all people unless they were abusive in one way or another. It didn't have to be an all out crisis to get us to spend some time with you.

Well again long story short I feel that was a bust and now I am totally alone again with horrible pain and fear. Intense fear. I feel like the world is going to cave in on me. Almost literally. Like i will suddenly be trapped in some out of control natural disaster like the tsunami in Japan or maybe something even more scary like Nazi Germany or simply I will be attacked by my neighbor. I know it sounds crazy but my heart really does pound. ANd I think this comes from my past but I don't know how to get a grip on it.