Anger is a tough one for me too, Ninn. I know my anger with my H dissolves when I can express my deep hurt to him- and if he can receive that hurt that he has done to me, without turning it against me, and pointing out all the areas I go wrong- then we can get somewhere in our dialog and get a bit closer. This sharing of the hurt and pain with H is very difficult. And often it ends in some kind of rejection from him, either purposeful as he cannot deal with the level of my pain and is too frightened to enter there and be with me in it- or accidental, of the "helpful harry" variety- "do this- it will fix it." So we pull apart even more, and another layer is added to the pain that already exists. I need to be able to let him know how much I hurt, but that hurts him- it's a real problem, but can be slowly worked on, and worked out, with carefulness and communication. (Hm, maybe I should practice what I preach!) I have seen firsthand that making myself vulnerable by sharing hurt and woundedness with him, and keeping my anger out of the equation while talking in favor of letting him see the underlying pain- can literally work miracles in our relationship. It is just hard to keep going back to that after the times it doesn't work out. But if you are able to keep at it, you will end up with someone in your corner, rather than an enemy. It's hard, hard work.

But if you try this, the anger still needs to go somewhere- or you will keep it inside of you. A way to let the anger out is in very physical ways. It sounds so silly, and it sounds goofy and like "why would I do that" but- nest time you are mad, instead of pulling away or feeling bad- shred some paper, crush some empty cans with your feet (shoes on) I mean really destroy it, crunch it-- kick something really hard a lot of times, punch pillows (that one does nothing for me, if I'm gonna get it out the action actually has to have some kind of destructive feeling to it or the anger just stays in) or anything else you can think of to *get it out* of your body, without actually hurting someone with words or actions. Yourself included. It may really help. and if not, then you can chalk it up, you have nothing to lose by trying it. now, if I will only go and follow all of my own advice! Easier said than done.

btw- I don't know if I met you yet, so welcome and nice to meet you!

Blackbird

I think each feeling is multi layered. I always hoped I could just have one mad outburst and then I'd be "cured". But it comes out in many disguises and we just have to continue to talk about it, even if that means talking about why we can't talk about it, then bit by bit the layers are removed, this takes time, lots of time, yrs sometimes. Its impossible to do on demand or be expected too, just journaling helps me release some of the hurt that anger covers up, but it still needs to be thought about, that way it gets processed eventually.

Blackbird, thank you for your response. I do think expressing it makes the most sense, but it just doesn't seem to matter to my H....you're right, it has been hard work. 11 years of hard work and I want to give up. I think that is why I can no longer express it, I think I have given up. I think I used to express it fine. You're right about physical ways....I need to get back on the treadmill. I know I feel better after a good jog on the treadmill. Stomping on pop cans would be great, although I don't drink pop, but visualizing stomping on them almost makes me happy all by itself Sorry, I wasn't sure where to "introduce" myself....maybe I'll do a new thread to do just that. Thank you for making me feel welcome!

Freuds Fly, a single mad outburst would be awesome. I hate the layers. Thank you for sharing. I was feeling pretty bad that I couldn't be responsive to my T yesterday. I will keep working at it. She is patient with me, too.