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AG -
I am so sorry you are in so much pain. I don't think I could have ever concentrated on couples therapy and not talked to my T about my own stuff. Good for you for not eating and posting here instead! Good for you for calling your T!
Emotions are not logical. They do not obey our wishes or commands. They are not right or wrong or permanent. They do not dictate reality or change the truth. This is the stuff I have to keep telling myself when things get so intense and I am afraid I will get out of control. These truths are something I try to cling to in the storm. It sounds like you try to do much of the same.
It doesn't sound like you have a regular session time with your T every week. Is that possible to do? Would having a set time that is yours every week without question help give you something you know you can count on and won't be changed or canceled? Since I went back to work mine has been on Mon night. NOTHING else gets scheduled on a Monday night for me or my husband who has to be home with Baby Girl. He once tried to take a class that only met on Monday night, I had no qualms telling him no, unless he found a babysitter. Monday night is sacred.
I hope you feel better soon and that work will be better for you today. Be extra nice to yourself today, do something special for yourself. Do something distracting.
You will be in my thoughts. Hugs.
I am so sorry you are in so much pain. I don't think I could have ever concentrated on couples therapy and not talked to my T about my own stuff. Good for you for not eating and posting here instead! Good for you for calling your T!
Emotions are not logical. They do not obey our wishes or commands. They are not right or wrong or permanent. They do not dictate reality or change the truth. This is the stuff I have to keep telling myself when things get so intense and I am afraid I will get out of control. These truths are something I try to cling to in the storm. It sounds like you try to do much of the same.
It doesn't sound like you have a regular session time with your T every week. Is that possible to do? Would having a set time that is yours every week without question help give you something you know you can count on and won't be changed or canceled? Since I went back to work mine has been on Mon night. NOTHING else gets scheduled on a Monday night for me or my husband who has to be home with Baby Girl. He once tried to take a class that only met on Monday night, I had no qualms telling him no, unless he found a babysitter. Monday night is sacred.
I hope you feel better soon and that work will be better for you today. Be extra nice to yourself today, do something special for yourself. Do something distracting.
You will be in my thoughts. Hugs.
Hey AG! (((BIG HUG)))
You did the right thing just as River said, by posting here. We are listening and we hear your pain. Let me say in chorus with River “Good for you for not eating and for posting here instead! Good for you for calling your T! I am really, really proud of you and encouraged by you. I know that is so hard to resist the comfort foods or beverages. That speaks volumes to your progress as the healthy and vibrant womanly being that you are.
I agree with River as I couldn’t help but wonder too if it is possible for you to have a devoted day each week for your individual therapy appt., mine is every Wednesday at 10:00. It too becomes like an added security blanket that belongs to you and only you. So much so that when I asked if she had any afternoon appts. available temporarily b/c something else had come up in my schedule, she offered to ask another client to switch her 3:00 with me. As I thought about someone else having my time with my T, I decided to work out other arrangements and to keep my 10:00 just as it is. That is when I suddenly became aware of the significance of “my personal time” with “my T.”
All that River aptly said about emotions not being logical is something we all know well, but we still need to hear it over and over and over and over. Otherwise therapy would be reduced to one session and psyhcafe would not exist. Because each time our mind is forced to re-visit its prior stopping point new pathways are etched. Right?
Obviously the good choices that you’re making by not indulging in that bag of chips ahoy cookies and the gallon of milk speak loud and clear that YES, you are strong. But the absence of his hug must be spiraling you into a deeper emotional abyss than you may be aware of and maybe are legitimately afraid to enter all by yourself. Have you considered in your own personal feelings “What does his saying no to a hug tell me about myself? (What image comes up?) How does it make me feel? Where does that go?” Perhaps when you have another personal session w/ your T this will all come out, but not having an open forum with him since then must feel like clinging to a precipice of a dark and dangerous canyon that is waiting to devour you, while you have this heavy burden of trying to hold onto this bag of emotionals at the same time. You might have to let go of that bag. I hear you “reasoning” on this, “understanding why” he said no to the hug and how you “understand” where the pain really comes from. But experiencing it and “feeling it” in the moment w/ your T will trace itself back there on its own. The waiting is sometimes the hardest part. Wise King Solomon said, “Expectation postponed makes the heart sick.”
I know when I was able to finally sit face to face w/ my T last week and say, “What YOU said really hurt me...” it acknowledged that our professional relationship is human at the same time. I could have reasoned, and I did, that these feelings are old and have little to w/ my T. But then I would be bagging those legitimate feelings I had. Denying their present denies their right to be heard in their rawest form. What comes up in this arena is just as real as where it leads us back to. If you haven’t really said so, tell him how you feel. Maybe you’re mad at him, that’s ok, but tell him. Acknowledge that it hurt your feelings when he said no. That would hurt anyone’s feelings to ask for a hug and have someone say no. It feels like rejection and that is very humiliating. We tend to push logic ahead of our feelings and that just doesn’t work.
BTW: Your T’s not annoyed with you. Perhaps he was sensing that you were having a rough time w/ your other issues and felt badly for not being able to meet with you one on one since then. I am sure he is aware that this has hurt you and that he was the one to trigger that hurt. Whether he shows it or not T’s anticipate for us.
As much as you must feel it, you are not pathetic AG. You are intelligent, witty, brave, strong, caring, and warm. I enjoy getting to know you. You give a lot of yourself on this forum and I appreciate your heartfelt answers to my posts and to others, and how you humbly turn for help when you need it. Thank you for letting us be here for you. This in turn helps us all.
Your friend,
JM
You did the right thing just as River said, by posting here. We are listening and we hear your pain. Let me say in chorus with River “Good for you for not eating and for posting here instead! Good for you for calling your T! I am really, really proud of you and encouraged by you. I know that is so hard to resist the comfort foods or beverages. That speaks volumes to your progress as the healthy and vibrant womanly being that you are.
I agree with River as I couldn’t help but wonder too if it is possible for you to have a devoted day each week for your individual therapy appt., mine is every Wednesday at 10:00. It too becomes like an added security blanket that belongs to you and only you. So much so that when I asked if she had any afternoon appts. available temporarily b/c something else had come up in my schedule, she offered to ask another client to switch her 3:00 with me. As I thought about someone else having my time with my T, I decided to work out other arrangements and to keep my 10:00 just as it is. That is when I suddenly became aware of the significance of “my personal time” with “my T.”
All that River aptly said about emotions not being logical is something we all know well, but we still need to hear it over and over and over and over. Otherwise therapy would be reduced to one session and psyhcafe would not exist. Because each time our mind is forced to re-visit its prior stopping point new pathways are etched. Right?
Obviously the good choices that you’re making by not indulging in that bag of chips ahoy cookies and the gallon of milk speak loud and clear that YES, you are strong. But the absence of his hug must be spiraling you into a deeper emotional abyss than you may be aware of and maybe are legitimately afraid to enter all by yourself. Have you considered in your own personal feelings “What does his saying no to a hug tell me about myself? (What image comes up?) How does it make me feel? Where does that go?” Perhaps when you have another personal session w/ your T this will all come out, but not having an open forum with him since then must feel like clinging to a precipice of a dark and dangerous canyon that is waiting to devour you, while you have this heavy burden of trying to hold onto this bag of emotionals at the same time. You might have to let go of that bag. I hear you “reasoning” on this, “understanding why” he said no to the hug and how you “understand” where the pain really comes from. But experiencing it and “feeling it” in the moment w/ your T will trace itself back there on its own. The waiting is sometimes the hardest part. Wise King Solomon said, “Expectation postponed makes the heart sick.”
I know when I was able to finally sit face to face w/ my T last week and say, “What YOU said really hurt me...” it acknowledged that our professional relationship is human at the same time. I could have reasoned, and I did, that these feelings are old and have little to w/ my T. But then I would be bagging those legitimate feelings I had. Denying their present denies their right to be heard in their rawest form. What comes up in this arena is just as real as where it leads us back to. If you haven’t really said so, tell him how you feel. Maybe you’re mad at him, that’s ok, but tell him. Acknowledge that it hurt your feelings when he said no. That would hurt anyone’s feelings to ask for a hug and have someone say no. It feels like rejection and that is very humiliating. We tend to push logic ahead of our feelings and that just doesn’t work.
BTW: Your T’s not annoyed with you. Perhaps he was sensing that you were having a rough time w/ your other issues and felt badly for not being able to meet with you one on one since then. I am sure he is aware that this has hurt you and that he was the one to trigger that hurt. Whether he shows it or not T’s anticipate for us.
As much as you must feel it, you are not pathetic AG. You are intelligent, witty, brave, strong, caring, and warm. I enjoy getting to know you. You give a lot of yourself on this forum and I appreciate your heartfelt answers to my posts and to others, and how you humbly turn for help when you need it. Thank you for letting us be here for you. This in turn helps us all.
Your friend,
JM
Hi AG,
You don’t have to accept those words at all. Please don’t feel that if I didn’t nail it that there is anything wrong with confronting that fact. That is yours to accept or not accept, and I realized I was taking a risk when I posted “my own” observations. But I trusted it was ok, and you would let me know if it wasn’t.
At least I think I can state with confidence that I am spinning in the similar place with my own grief of never having my emotional needs met either. My safety and well being were sacrificed way too often by the selfish pursuits of others and I am grieving very intensely about that. I look at babies and young children and want to save them all. A feeling I used to have as a teenager desiring to embark on a psychology career. That was so long ago and I sacrificed that for my first husband when I dropped out of college at his persistence.
I hope that you get in to see your T soon, because I know how hard it is to wait when you are in agony.
JM
You don’t have to accept those words at all. Please don’t feel that if I didn’t nail it that there is anything wrong with confronting that fact. That is yours to accept or not accept, and I realized I was taking a risk when I posted “my own” observations. But I trusted it was ok, and you would let me know if it wasn’t.
At least I think I can state with confidence that I am spinning in the similar place with my own grief of never having my emotional needs met either. My safety and well being were sacrificed way too often by the selfish pursuits of others and I am grieving very intensely about that. I look at babies and young children and want to save them all. A feeling I used to have as a teenager desiring to embark on a psychology career. That was so long ago and I sacrificed that for my first husband when I dropped out of college at his persistence.
I hope that you get in to see your T soon, because I know how hard it is to wait when you are in agony.
JM