I had a session with my regular T today. I told her of how my former sd (spiritual director), who continues to walk over all boundaries.

(I had to have his email address blocked today since asking him to not email me and don't call my mother, lead to him EMAILING my mother, asking her to pass on to me rather routine info I didn't need to know, and "cc"ing it via email to me. )

Ugh. Anyhow, it is part of a larger mess, and all of it pulled on feelings having to do with my family growing up...

I told my t my thoughts about me in response to this (very self critical), and about feeling angry at him. There was a long silence.

I told her I wanted to process through my feelings and asked if we could do emdr or something with it. She said she felt like it was more of a probem to solve, and not just the continued emailing by the sd, but the larger mess.

I told my T I was going to wrie the sd a letter and state my boundaries and why I'm done and otherwise, there isn't any easy solution, and we talked about that, but it was all totally off. I didn't say what would be in the letter besides ths, but my T told me not to write it as it would "escalate things." I didn't understand this and se said she interpeted a bunch of things in what I said. I told her "but I didn't say any of that". She said she knew, it was her interpretation though. I told her it wasn't correct an I didn't want to talk about solving the problem. She said she didn't know what to say because I was rejecting all her ideas. I asked what I had rejected - and it was to not write the letter and instead live with the feelings. Ok... that is what I was there to do... ca we talk about the feelings I have and process them or do emdr on the trauma memories this is stirring up or something.... My T wasn't talking much or responding much, so it was hard to talk it through. But she wanted to. It got to the point where I kept asking her to "say something." Because the more I just talked, the worse I felt and then I would ask about te feelings and not know what else to say... and my T would be silent...

She said my anger made her feel shut down. I asked if I expressed it bady or wrong... she said no...

Crap. I didnlt know what to do. I kept asking what to say or do. And she said she didn't know any way to help. I asked about containment because I was feeling really bad about the session. She said to try connecting with friends. My T, turned her head towards her schedule book, and reaced to pick it up, like she always does to signal wrapping up.

When she looked away, the look on her face made me feel awful.

I think I triggered my T. I don't think he can help me with what I feel about all of this right now. I'm pretty discouraged and ashamed and feel even worse. So I'm trying to find out info or any ideas on how any T could help with the angry feelings I have. My eq T said I wasgood at stuffing them or turning them inward. I think I have really messed handling anger in the past when I let myself express it. I felt good that my T said I was expressing it in an appropriate way... and completely confused and anxious because I just triggered my T and she couldn't help and now I hate that I said anything...

There just has to be a better way... or any way to deal with this...


I called my T already and freaked out apoligiing and dumping my anger on me... which I realize now is going to make my T feel even worse and even more like she can't help me... and maybe with this one issue... she can't.... can any T ever help with anger? More than just "fixing" the source? Bc if that can't be done and I have to work through te feeling (or even if the source or problem can be fixed)...

And how do I make things with my T ok?

I keep thinking if I find a way to show her I won't talk about tat again, I have another way to work trough that...

Any thoughts or ideas? How do other Ts work with anger? How do pople work through it?

jane