((((gg))))

First of all, I think your t has some issues of her own, and I personally don't trust her opinion... espeically this "drama" label. In another post she said your neediness pushes people away and just the language she is using is so invalidating...

Is this drama? This is life! You just worked hard for 10 days in a row, to survive and when there is no support,no safeyt net, yeah, this tsuff is big. It would totally get to me.

And its a mistake. The kind that many people make. I have. (Btw, in terms of practial solutions, you might be able to get fees waived if you talk to the bank. I did - I went in and said I screwed up, I'm super panicked about being able to get on tip now that I was drowning in fees, wondered if I could set up my account differently and get any fees waived so I could get on top of it. The bank totaly worked wt me on it and waived 137 in fees and helped. In my case, I had totally made the mistake in adding up two deposits correctly' but they still worked with me and waived that much in fees and gave me a way to not be able to spend funds that had not cleared yet or added correctly and just were not there. In your case, it is a very normal thing to assume the bank would put the funds in your account right away. So on a practical level, you might be able to get them to waive the fees if you explain what happened.)

Regardless, you don't seem like you are being too "dramatic" but just needing very commonly needed support and encouragement... and if you had it... I think all of this would also be less scary too. It's not small stuff and even if it was, how you feel is how you feel. Not something to be judged or put down like your t does, but walked through and supported and listened and validated and heard... and then it seems less hard when it happens again...

Not sure I'm making sense... so sorry this ahppened. Be as kind to you about it as you can, ok?

Hugs to you

Jane

Thanks Jane & DF,
I really appreciate the support and advise. I do plan to go to my bank tomorrow, but I'm afraid I will just cry while talking with them.
Yep it's late, and I'm not sleeping, and I'm up, sweating, crying and trying to ignore the pounding in my chest.
I sent my T an e-mail, with much of what I wrote in my post. I had so wanted to text her earlier tonight, but just couldn't. I didn't want a lecture.
Thanks for all the love & support. I do feel so alone out here so much of the time.
Thanks.
GG

GG - I could have written your post myself. I am in so much debt right now. All my fault. CC to the max. I did consolodate my stuff but every dime goes to bills. I get my check and it's gone 3 days prior to that. I work 2 jobs just to try and meet my bills. I never seem to have enough. It is so frustrating. I know how the frustration makes me so angry at myself for even being in this position. I'm sorry that you are experiencing this too. That anger and frustration has driven me to the ends alot. Hell, I'm worth more dead than alive! The only thing I can tell you is that I just keep on going - kind of like the energizer bunny! It sucks and I never feel like I'm catching up. but I keep going. I think you will see, that at some point soon, you will see a small, very tiny, improvement. It won't be much, maybe an extra $5 to spend on yourself, but something. It always seems to help just a little.

I do hope things brighten up for you soon. Keep watching for that little wee "up" that's coming!

Well, I went to the bank, spoke with a teller who was no help at all, branch managaer not in either. Teller claimed the couldnt reverse any charges. I cried, pleaded my case, and got no where.
I am so very miserable right now, I can't stop crying and I'm in the hole. I have $3 until next week payday, which of course my check will not even be able to cover my mortgage after the bank takes all their damn fees.
I can see why people were jumping out of windows back in 1929, I'm just about there.
I am sick of being this miserable, I'm drowining here.

GG,
Wow, I'm so sorry, how lame of your bank! I know how you feel, and I just wanted to say you aren't alone. We too, are struggling to get by and it seems like every paycheck evaporates so quickly. I have been hit with those fees from time to time. Perhaps, a change of bank is in order? finding a bank or perhaps a credit union that is more willing to work with you might help?!?

Please hang in there, 'm sorry that you've fallen on such a hard time. It sounds like you are working sooo hard to get by and I think that's what counts! You obviously aren't slacking or creating drama, you are simply living your life and you've been hit hard by the unexpected stuff of life...

Again, you've got my empathy, and I hope and will pray that things start to look up for you very soon!

Thanks all.
I went to bed after my last post, at 5:30 p.m., cried all night, and just woke up,crying again.
My T did call yesterday and was very kind & supportive. At this time though I am having a very hard time trying not to just give up, on everything.
Please pray for me, I am very scared right now.
GG

My T called me today and we had a nice enough chat. Of course there are things I should be doing to make myseld feel better, but they are not easy for me. And I really dont think she gets how absolutely broke I am.
I'm home from work now, with tne weekend off. I kind just want to get drunk tonight and stay in bed. I know it's not the answer.....sigh.
I am heading outside now, to sit on the deck. I need to be out of my house, my comfot zone. I need to meet people. Its hard for me right now.
I have reached out to family, and I have to be careful of not being too needy I fear. I've also reached out to friends, just to get together, and it's as though the world is too busy for the likes of me. Everyone has plans, that certainly don't involve me.
Oh well.......I'm still here, for now.

Ok - so something happened. The anger volcano inside started to erupt, and I ended up trashing a room at home. Holy scary shit, I have never been that out of control before. I was crying hysterically. I ended up calling a hot line because I was afraid of what I might do to myself. (they put me on hold, sheesh!!!)
I texted my T, but then decided to hop in the shower to cool down. She called twice but didn't leave a message, and I haven't heard from her since. I have to say, I am very scared at what happened, I completely lost control and let anger/rage take over. Very scary stuff!!
After shower, slept until just now, and want to text my T sooooo badly. I am afraid she may be angry with me.
I'm also afraid of losing control again.....and possibly hurting myself.
Scared and alone tonight.
GG

((GG)) I'm sorry you experienced such a frightening thing. If you feel like you're in danger of hurting yourself (even if you're not quite sure), I really want to encourage you to call your T. She may be respecting your space considering she called twice with no answer...her lack of contact doesn't necessarily mean she's angry.

Try to take care of yourself. ((hugs))

Kashley - thank you so much for your concern, I do understand that I need to call her if I should feel this way again. Which I hope won't be too soon.
She sent me a text very early this morning, asking me to please spend time outside, away from my home. I got up and left the house, on foot, and just walked for hours. Came home and cleaned up the mess I had made yesterday during my fit. I cleaned and cleaned, after I had walked and walked.
Spoke with T this afternoon, and told her I felt better, having accomplished so much today. She called my experience yesterday a 'temper tantrum", but I didn't take it so negatively, it pretty much was. I was just so angry and out of control though, it was scary. I told her how I broke a window, and that I was worried that I would go out that window. (I was on the second floor of the house) She told me that she knew that was always an option for me. That also didn't bother as much when she said it, as it seemed that she knew that I was not making a joke, it wasn't "drama" but she was taking me seriously. I told her how scared I was of being so out of control, and so angry, as I was never allowed to get angry like that growing up. The difference is, T told me, is that I did get angry growing up, but it was the behavior that I was not allowed to show. (no tantrums)
She then told me that anger coming out like that could be a sign that I am coming out of my depression, as depression is also a lot of repressed anger.
Sooo.... a lot going on in my head tonight. (but my house is clean
She leaves for vacation the end of this week, and I am so nervous about this. I have a session with her on Monday, and I really want to give her a gift or something....does this seem silly?? I don't think I need anything from her, like from her office or anything. I kind of want to give her something so that she will be reminded of me.
It's scary, the thought of her being gone, but I haven't seen her in over two weeks now, so I should be used to it. BUT - we do communicate a lot, at least I do, via text. I just feel the need to connect with her, almost daily.
Sigh....I am very tired, but in a good way tonight. A very emotional week, which took a lot out of me, and today's walk....miles & miles & miles. My body isn't too happy, but I am hoping for a good night's sleep for a change, AND possibly church in the morning? We'll see....
Thanks again everyone, for all of the support and encouragement here. I feel very grateful to have found this community, and that you all truly understand what I am going through. (I don't get that much out here in my world)

GG

Hi GG... sorry you had such a terrible time yesterday but I'm happy to hear that you spoke with your T and that you did some very good things for yourself today. I'm hoping for a better day for you tomorrow. It's hard enough dealing with grief without the financial worries. If you have any family to turn to I encourage you to do so and I hope things will ease up at some point for you.

As for your T leaving for vacation, that is always a hard thing to get through. My T does not take more than 8 days of vacation in a row because he knows how his patients suffer while he is away. He may take a few vacations per year but they are usually only a week or so. My oldT would take 3 weeks in August and that was really tough for me to get through. I posted here a lot, journaled and tried to keep myself busy.

I just got back from a few days away and had to miss my session on Thursday. I was very anxious about this as it was the first time "I" had to cancel a session with this my T of 10 months. Before I left I gave him something of mine to hold for me. It was a little glass heart that I always carry with me in my purse as it has significance to me. I asked him to take care of it for me while I was gone and because then I would have a reason to be able to come back to see him. He promised to keep it safe for me and it acted as a connection between us and helped me get through the week. He also wrote my next appointment down on his business card for me that I carry with me. It's tangible proof of our next meeting that also helps.

Maybe you could think of something to leave with your T for her to hold for you to keep the connection.

And don't forget we are here to support you too.

Take care,
TN

quote:

She then told me that anger coming out like that could be a sign that I am coming out of my depression, as depression is also a lot of repressed anger.

I've been thinking about you. Good for you for going out walking and getting out of the house. Intersting about her saying "temper tantrum"....it brought back a memory of mine, my talking to my T about MY temper tantrum(s) that I have had at home. I have heard depression called, "anger turned inwards." My T told me she was worried about me when I stopped talking as I looked like I had so much inside that needed to come out. She was trying to pull my anger out, in session. I told her last week that I feel angry again. Maybe she is happy with that, although it makes me so uncomfortable.

Keep talking about it GG. Get it out. Be careful at home; I don't want you to get hurt.

Hi Ninn, you are right, I believe it is more "anger turned inwards": than "repressed anger".
I never seem to know what to do with it. My T has told me she thinks I have lots & lots of anger, and she has me reading a few books on the subject of forgiveness as well.
She has also told me that I need to think more about gratitude, as a way of dealing with my anger.
I do feel better the last two days. I know the walk helped and actually the cleaning was very good for me as well.
I have not seen my T in about two weeks, and since then I have been struggling so much, with my attachement issue and communitcating with her, as well as all of this financial mess. I really miss her now, even though we connect almost daily. I am getting very anxious about her going on vacation this week. Currenlty, the longest I have gone without texting is about 3 days, and then I just can't stand it anc cave in and send her a message, just to hear back from her. She will be on vacation for about 10 days or so, and I really don't want to bother her, as I do believe she needs and deserves a break from the likes of me. (me & my drama)
I made her a card, and am giving it to her tomorrow at our session.
She told me we could work on a plan for how I could cope while she is gone. I don't know why I have to be such a baby about this, but this is such a strange and confusing attachment. Uuuggh!!!
Tomorrow is a new day, and I get to see T, and get a hug. That should be a good thing.....

GG