Hi Affinity, I can so relate to you 100%, keeping it to myself really scared me. Thanks to Liese I eventually addressed it with ex C albeit written down; I was both fearful and relieved. We spoke very little about it but I genuinely believed she was uncomfortable based on her body language and blushes. A week or so ago I had a really bad bout of ET concerning ex C which really bothered me and I became very anxious thinking about broaching it with new T. Below is an excerpt taken from my ‘New T, Erotic Transference!’ posted 03 May 2014 09:41 AM in Intimate Discussions.

“ … I anxiously asked [my new T] if she knew about erotic transference and if she's worked with it before, she said yes and openly said it is normal and that’s what she is there for she went onto say something about managing counter-transference also. She asked what I know about transference and how I found out about it; I told her I became very scared as I didn’t know what was happening and looked it up on line, she was amazing and I felt tons better leaving that session. I know therapy isn’t going to be easy but I trust T on this next journey”.

Whilst ET is getting the better of you it might help you to direct your thoughts on how you can safely address the issue with your T. I told my T I wasn’t able to discuss it with her yet and she agreed its early days as we’re just building a relationship. Maybe you can think of something like this until you find a safe way of taking the subject forward with your T. Gawd what a mess eh? I know what is happening to me has nothing to do with either ex C or present T and truly believe it’s something to do with my past, the trouble is, the longer I leave discussing it the worse its getting and it feels abusive towards myself which I am not coping well with. Take care Affinity.

Chezza

Affinity,
You're not going to lose control, and even if you do, it's your T's responsibility. I am absolutely certain that if I walked into my T's office and stripped naked, he would very calmly asked me to get dressed and once I was, he would ask me why I had felt the need to strip, what was that about?

The intensity of the feelings is fed by trying to hold them off. It is the feelings we do not let ourselves become aware of that get us in trouble, because if we do not acknowledge and feel them, then we act them out. The best way to keep yourself safe is to talk about how you are feeling and understand what is driving it. I know there were times when the intensity of these feelings and the pain involved were literally breathtaking, but I do promise as you work with them, the intensity does eventually lessen. Trust your T to hold those boundaries, he sounds very calm, which is a real gift, not all therapists are good about erotic transference.

Oh and the feelings are all real. You really are having them (my T is not fond of the term transference), its just that the intensity of the feelings is fed by unprocessed events in your past.

I forget how long you have been married, but am going to assume that since you have been, you may have occasionally met someone you found attractive? It's a kind of "hmm, another time, another place, I might have liked to know him better" kind of feeling, but doesn't feel like its threatening to your marriage or that you couldn't control acting on it. The feelings you are connecting to now are from a very young part of you, when these feelings surrounding touch and connection and your needs were a matter of life and death. So it feels like it is a matter of life and death now.

But as you work through them, that intensity will eventually bleed off and the feelings become more managable. Honestly, I do find my T attractive in a here and now way, but it just makes going to sessions more pleasant.

You don't need to trust yourself, just trust your T. Like a parent, a T is completely responsible for making sure that nothing inappropriate happens in the relationship. Have you expressed this fear to your T? I did to my
T and his reassurance really helped. I'm sorry, I do know this is painful and confusing beyond belief.

AG

Affinity, This is a normal human reaction. Not even because it's transference with a T but because you are carrying affection for someone. It's hard when you harbor those feelings not to slip up sometimes and let them out. I found myself a few times changing my mannerisms or the way I talked to some people because I thought they were attractive. It's hard.

AG is absolutely right about T's keeping the boundaries. I've already lost some control myself. I dress nicer, sit closer and I joke around more than I used to. I have caught myself openly flirting and asking more questions about him. I know for a fact that he's noticed, but with him, nothings changed. He's the same professional, keeps the same distance and never veers off the topic. Your T should know how to handle the situation.

I also agree with AG that you should tell your T about your feelings. If you guys can work through them now it would be so much better. My biggest fear is I'll hold it in for too long, lose my mind and start pushing boundaries too hard. Your therapy is about you getting better and if it's interfering, bring it up. I essentially told my T that I was doing what he wanted me to, not because it would help me, but because it would make him happy and that's what I wanted. That's not what therapy is about.

(I ramble! Sorry lol)

Thanks, everyone. All of this really helps.

My T is largely aware of my feelings. They came up pretty early in the relationship and we discuss them from time to time. My T once observed, "It's like you're scared to put one toe over the line, as if that's going to cause me to abandon you."

He's absolutely right. I'm scared that I'll do something to make him stop loving me, or make him lose respect for me, or cause him to throw up his hands and refer me out. Or worse, that I'll lose respect for myself (as if I could afford any more loss in that area.)

I guess I imagine that since my feelings seem to me so intense, overwhelming, shameful and hard to manage, that it must feel the same for him. It probably doesn't. But then that opens up a whole new can of worms for me, in that he's so healthy and secure and in control, and I'm not. And I hate that.

For being so well acquainted with suffering, I'm terrible at it.

And Eiko, you're right: A large part of my attraction comes from a place of genuine affection. I just wish I could enjoy it and not feel like it's going to devour me.

quote:

I guess I imagine that since my feelings seem to me so intense, overwhelming, shameful and hard to manage, that it must feel the same for him. It probably doesn't. But then that opens up a whole new can of worms for me, in that he's so healthy and secure and in control, and I'm not. And I hate that.

Affinity,
I don't think he's feeling nearly as stressed, if at all, over this. But that is because he understands where this is coming from. You did not wake up one morning and decide to have these intense, overwhelming feelings of shame. These feelings are a normal human reaction to something that was done to you. This is not a matter of your T is together and "good" and you are falling apart and "bad." This is a matter of your T at one point getting what he needed so that he can regulate himself and you still needing someone to teach you that. There is a huge difference between wrong and ignorant and even the ignorance is not of your choosing; what you needed to be taught was withheld from you. So it's good your T is calm, that way you have someone to learn from.

I realize that saying all of this does not make the shame go away, but try to hang on to the fact that what the shame is saying isn't true, no matter how true it feels.

AG