That would be really hard Nannabee. I don't know how I'd feel if my T canceled that frequently. I've been with my T for more than 2 years and she's never canceled. She does go on vacation, maybe a total of 5 weeks per year, but they aren't in a row (well maybe once was 2 weeks). But when she does go on vacation, she tells me in advance, so it's never a last minute cancellation or anything.

Topical question for me. my T cancelled yesterday due to flu. I used to be ok when she cancelled for illness, but since she became pregnant it has happened 3 times and now I get anxious before every session that she is going to cancel. It is just a coincidence, it has been twice for flu and once for a stomach bug, so nothing to do with the pregnancy. But I am more sensitive about it now because of all the changes which will happen in the next few months. Especially when the baby is due. She plans to continue with her private patients until she delivers so a last minute cancellation is inevitable and will be followed by a 5 week break. I panic when I think about it!
I feel ashamed that I was so angry with her yesterday for being sick, but I feel very vulnerable at the moment and need her to be there!
Maybe if T was a robot she would not get sick, but then I would not care so much!

Outside of pre-notified vacation breaks, I think T has only canceled on me once in 2.5 years of seeing him 1-3 times per week, and that was due to being sick, and he came in and gave me a session the very next day. He has rescheduled (asked me if it was ok, not demanded) every once in a while on top of that.

I "voted" every few months, but averaging it out T either cancels or reschedules probably more like every six weeks or so. It is disruptive, but maybe worth it (imo) if you are attached enough to your T and doing good work. I guess it depends on how well you can tolerate the anxiety it will kick up, whether it's worth it to you.

excluding 6 weeks of holidays (one 3 week block and 3 one week blocks) and long weekends, I would say my T cancels on average 2 or 3 sessions a year and I see him 3-5 times/week.

Nannabee I would be very concerned about your T's capacity to work. Its not a profession where you can cancel patients willy nilly. Personally I couldn't work with someone that way.

Stars I think yuou probably see that your T's looming maternity break is very unsettling and scary for you which makes cancelled sessions much more difficult and triggering.

I'm so sorry you have to go through that Nanns it must be hard. I would bring up your feelings of him canceling so much. Sure, they might not be his fault but maybe he will be more aware about himself and get himself more taken care of if he knows that his inconsistency is affecting his patients so negatively. Or if you feel that it's right for you to switch Ts too, you should definitely look into that as well. I know I would feel even more dysregulated if my T cancelled very frequently. Hugs to you Nanns! we're here for you!

It’s taken me a while to have the courage to come back to this thread- I don’t know if anyone else has this, but I have noticed a pattern in myself where after I have shared something personal, it feels terrifying, and I have to avoid any reminder of it.

Seeing everyone’s responses to the poll and your responses here have helped me feel a little more justified in feeling angry with my T. I sort-of want to ask my T how often his T cancelled on him.

Erica- 2 years with no cancellations sounds really secure and safe to me- does it feel that way to you? Knowing about vacations in advance definitely helps. It's not like I'd choose for my T to go on vacation, but it's better to be able to plan for them.

Starlight- knowing that you have a long break coming up but not knowing exactly when it will be sounds really hard. I also can totally empathize with the feelings of shame at being angry with your T for being sick. I’m sorry you are dealing with that as well.

Mousy- Your T sounds really dependable and solid. I'm glad you have him

Cat- Your T also sounds super-dependable I also have questions about whether my T should be working or not with his health how it is, but I can't quite bring myself to conclude that he shouldn't be. And with the training, he had several scheduled days off for training, and I was prepared for those, but then he kept adding more days off at the last minute, at one point leaving me without any sessions for 3 weeks (I normally go 2x a week), which is when our big rupture happened. He thought it was unethical not to take the courses, while I thought it was unethical for him to cancel so many sessions for the training. I have an assessment with a trauma team coming up, and I've been thinking I might mention this to them and get their feedback.

HIC- I read your thread on your T's cancellation, and I remember you posting about your T forgetting your sessions once or twice. I think you're right that it can be worth it if the rest of the relationship with your T is good enough, and that is pretty much what I decide each time, but I sometimes worry that I am just playing out old relationship patterns and allowing myself to be hurt.

GreenEyes- Wow- seeing your T 3-5 days a week is pretty intense. I don't know if I could do that. Do you find that you aren't bothered by a cancellation so much because of the frequency of your sessions, or is it still hard?

Diva- Thanks for your empathy. It does make me feel validated to hear that others would feel dysregulated by the frequent cancellations as well.

I saw my T this morning, after a pretty horrible session with him last Friday. On Friday, I spent the whole session scared of my T, not able to look at him, and not able to connect with him at all, I think because I wanted to protect myself from being hurt by him. We were able to talk a little bit about how hard it was for me to be there, but I found it impossible to bring up how I feel about his cancellations. His back is still really painful, and it turns out he is going to need more surgery. He is planning on having it in April, but it may happen sooner if his pain gets any worse. It seems really likely that he’ll have to cancel more sessions this month, and I don’t know how long he’ll be out when he has surgery.

And even though having my sessions cancelled totally bites, I also feel such sadness in my heart for all the pain my T is in. I wonder about his relationship with his husband, and hope he has the support he needs from him. I think about how discouraged and depressed he must be knowing that he is going to be in pain and have limited mobility for the rest of his life. I wonder if he is scared about the surgery he is going to have.

Today’s session was also really hard. Besides the cancellations, I was also feeling really annoyed at my T because he pushed really hard in January for me to go see a specialized trauma team for consultation. Once I agreed to it, they wanted him to fill out a referral form giving my history and summarizing the questions he wanted answered. He’s had the form for three weeks now, and still hasn’t done anything with it. He assured me on Friday that it would be a priority for him over the weekend, but he still hasn’t filled it out. I didn’t want to do the consultation at all at first, but now I just want to get it over with so I can stop dreading it, but I can’t because my T keeps dragging his feet.

So I came into session today with all this anger, but couldn’t let myself reveal it to my T because letting my T my anger is the same as saying to my T that I have needs, and having needs is still too shameful for me to admit. The first twenty minutes or so were a repeat of last Friday, with me still not able to look at him, and not much talking going on. I finally started talking about how hard it was for me to reconcile my mental image of him with the reality of him. I was able to say that I felt that he was unreliable. We talked about that for a while, with him asking me what someone who was reliable would look like to me, which I was unable to answer, because any answer I gave would be too critical of him, and besides, he should damn well already know the answer.

Finally, I was able to get to heart of the matter and admit that I was angry with him, even though I felt like I had no right to be. I can’t remember a lot of what happened after that. I do know that he said several times that he was happy that I could tell him that, and that I was allowed to have needs, that I wasn’t doing anything wrong. He was a tiny bit defensive (although way, way less than he has been in the past), and said that it wasn’t like he was canceling to jet off to St. Croix for the week.

And then he asked if it would feel different to me if he was canceling to go to the islands instead of because of his back. And I said that it would be easier for me if he canceled to go to the islands, because I could feel justified in my anger instead of feeling ashamed, but that the actual feeling of abandonment wouldn’t be any different. This seemed to surprise him, and later on he confirmed that he hadn’t realized that the reason for his cancellation didn’t mitigate the hurt I felt.

We went way over my session time and had to stop while we were still in the middle of things. Immediately after my session I felt disappointed in myself and embarrassed that I had brought up my anger, and felt a lot of self-hatred, but thinking back now I am also a bit proud of myself for having enough courage to talk about it. Well, this post somehow got really long, so thanks for reading if you got this far

Hei Nannabee,
just an update. I had my session with T yesterday. I had a really bad week, first angry with T for cancelling and then pacicking that I could not manage the next 6 months with all the unavoidable uncertainty. On Monday however I felt better, looking forward to seeing T and anger gone.I decided I would just get on with my therapy and forget about it. I mean it is so unreasonable to be angry with someone for being sick.
But when I got there I found myself just reluctant to say anything. She knew of course. She reminded me that it was my old coping mechanism to shut down and avoid talking and that I had learnt now that the more helpful method is to be open and discuss my feelings. So I did. I told her I felt angry and at the same time ashamed for feeling this. I then told her of my fear that I would be each week anxious that she would cancell and that I was really worried that this anxiety would increase as her due date gets nearer with the 'sudden' long break. Although she is not due until the beginning of July, my own son was born 12 weeks early so I know I will start pacicking way too early.
She was sad because she said although everything is going well she just cannot guarantee exactly when the baby will be born. She said also at the moment it is difficult because instead of helping me at the moment it is the therapy situation itself which is causing my anxiety.
She was very accepting of my feelings and said she was pleased that we had a good enough relationship that I felt safe to tell her this. I cried a lot because I said I knew that there was nothing she could do to help. But this wasn't true, she did help by accepting my feelings and saying she wants to hear them and understands.Practically she says that so long as she and the baby are healthy she can maintain e-mail contact during the 5 weeksleave she is planning after the birth.
We then shared a big hug when I left and said to write to her as I needed.
Long update, but I wanted to show that for me it really was better to be honest and let T know what was happening.


Starlight