(((((TN)))))

Please come back and tell us what he said to you when you are able. Thinking of you.

xoxo

Liese

(((((((TN)))))))) I am so sorry your appointment got canceled and with no reason, TN. How awful, it must be kicking up all kinds of fears. Please let us know how you are doing as soon as you are able...

love, xoxoxo,

BB

((((((((((TN))))))))))))

Oh, ouch, TN. I am so very sorry. I'm very surprised that he didn't give a reason in his email, especially considering the extremely short notice. That seems really out of character with everything else you've told us about him. Did he give much more of an explanation when you spoke with him?

Hang in there...take deep breaths...I'm so sorry for the effect this is having on your therapy, on your work, and on your trust in the relationship. I hope he clears this up with you really soon.

Hugs,
SG

Hi TN,
Please try to take a deep breath. Remember, this is bringing up your whole chain of abandonment and loss issues. Right now you are looking at this exclusively through your emotional mind and you've shown all of us that you have a very strong rational and wise mind. It might help you do put all your thoughts into three columns - rational-emotional and wise.
RATIONAL

• He has a personal issue
  
• It's too personal to disclose
  
• He has to keep his problems to himself to protect you
  
• He is a person and is entitled to privacy
  
• He may be finding it difficult to be respond completely appropriately, especially if it's an urgent matter

EMO

• He doesn't care about me or he would have told me _____
  
• He's going to abandon me
  
• I don't really mean anything to him
  
• He's fake
  etc.....

WISE

• TN to self: Look at all my thoughts... they are so opposite-almost a dichotomy - neither is completely true - it's a mix- think dialectically
  
• I can share how I felt and how I got past it when we are together and he is 100% T- 0% average human
  
• I don't know his intentions - I can take the facts at face value- he had to cancel.
  
• He's a good T; he got me through so much- I could be responding to this on a completely emotional level and I don't have to
  
• I have enough knowledge of therapy to look at this in all three minds
  
• This is what I would tell one of my friends on this board to help them _______

TN
I don't know if you work the DBT skills- but if you've learned them- use them now. Any one of them you choosecan help you.
-observe what you're doing to yourself
- journal on your thoughts, emotions , fears, write the stuff you don't want anyone else to see
- Do what works- focus on a task in your job- do it and accomplish it
-Take a walk- half smile
- Distract- wise mind ACCEPTS - push a way the self destructive thoughts, thinking errors, false assumptions., etc.

TN- when I saw your post, I couldn't wait to get out of my car so that I could respond. You don't have to suffer with this one. Your T cares- it is not all or nothing. His cancellation does not invalidate the rest of the relationship.

I hope this helps. ND

(((TN)))

While I think ND's post has a lot of good points like he didn't tell you probably because it is personal and inappropriate to tell you. This cancellation doesn't invalidate your relationship. You will get to talk to him on Monday.

Those are all true but I'm so sorry that this happened. I know how painful it is and it seems to me when something (like his lateness for session for you and calling him more frequently for me) starts to shake the foundation of the therapy relationship and increases abandonment fears then more things go wrong which feels so unfair.

I am especially sorry that talking to him on the phone didn't help because I would have hoped. Keep breathing and post more when you can.

Gosh thank you everyone. The support was really helpful. ND... I don't work in DBT but maybe it's something to educate myself about because evidently my coping skills are not adequate. I think this hit me harder than usual because of the anxious state I've been in for the past few weeks. What you wrote about the rational reasons... of course I know this but the emotional brain seems to take over and I cannot even entertain the rational thoughts. They get obliterated by emotions and pain.

A few years ago almost exactly to the date my oldT cancelled me at the last minute to attend a baseball play off game. I know some of this just added to the abandonment feelings.

Okay... so I paged my T and he called me back within 10 minutes. He apologized a few times. He sent me an email late last night and I never got it even though I checked my email quite late. I got it this morning around 9am. I told him...what if I never checked my email would I have gone to his office and then found out no one was there? That would have been horrible. He said he had planned to give me a follow up call this morning.

I told him a bit of how I was feeling. Struggling already with abandonment feelings and then he goes and cancels me and it just reinforced the feelings. I told him that I felt like I was losing the relationship. He sort of seemed surprised. He knew I was struggling lately but he didn't realize it had to do with US, with our relationship. But I didn't get reassurance or any warm fuzzies which would have done a LOT to calm my agitated nervous system. If he was kind and warm and reassuring it would have done a lot to hold me until Monday. Then he said, sorry I have to go now. We spoke 5 minutes. He did tell me he was around this weekend to feel free to call him. I would have to be dying before I would call him on a weekend.

I did get the impression that he was not at the office. I am wondering if he had to be in court. He still does some forensic work.

End of story.... I just got a call from him and he offered me a 3:30 appointment today. I was shocked to hear from him. I told him that I didn't want to cause him a problem and he said if it was a problem he would not offer. So I accepted and will see him later. Of course, now I have even more junk to sort through with him and feel even more scared to do it.

Thank you all for your support. I really mean that. I needed it.

Hugs
TN

((((TN))))

I'm sorry this hit at such a bad time. I can really relate to being on shaky ground with the relationship (even if the T doesn't feel that way) and then having more crap thrown on top that just further stirs the emotional pot. I'm glad that he called back and offered a session this afternoon. He clearly cares and doesn't want to see you in pain. I really hope that the two of you can work some of this out and you can get back to that secure feeling.

As far as DBT, I just started working in a workbook that is really helpful. I mentioned it to the new T when I saw her and she said it's a great one and to keep using it! I got this one http://www.amazon.com/Dialecti...1317919470&sr=8-1DBT (link thing isn't working right now for some reason) I know how hard it is to get out of that emotional brain place and not react from that spot.

Please let us know how things go this afternoon when/if you are able. ((((TN)))))

Hi TN-
One thing I often forget is empathy. Thanks incognito- TN, I am really sorry this happened to you. I went right to my thoughts rather than responding to what you were feeling. I need to remember that.

As far as DBT - I belong to an online yahoo group where I'm learning the skills. Soon my T is starting a DBT group (to be lead by another T) and he asked me to be the client leader. DBT skills help with - emotional regulation which I struggle with. The WISE mind is the thoughtful blending of your emotional and rational minds. I highly recommend DBT

I'll be thinking about you this afternoon.

STRM
Here's a link to the online DBT group. Basically, you learn about the skills by reading the material and then you do the homework. The moderators then give you feedback on your homework and you can review the homework of other group members. http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/dbtclass/

(((TN))) I'm so sorry. What horrible timing. Some reassurance would have gone a long way, but it seems like he was unaware of the state of your feeling regarding the T relationship, so I can understand it as a misattunement. I'm glad you were able to accept the session this afternoon. I think that's a good sign. There must have been such a temptation to run with all you've been through with OldT and your recent sense of abandonment. I really hope you are able to talk to him about all of this today. I will be thinking of you during your session!

ND.. Your response was fine. It was very helpful and I appreciated it. Thanks for the links. I will check them out.

Thanks STRM for the link.

Thanks everyone.. I'm rushing. I'll let you know how it all goes.

TN

((TN)),

What an up and down ride you've been on today. I hope that your session goes well and that T calms your nerves a bit and you are able to find the safe secure place.

I'm glad he called you back and got you in. I think he must have been hit with the reality of the importance the relationship between you and him is to your healing.

Good luck,

B

TN,
You did a really good thing by contacting your T and letting him know how you felt. So many times my feelings were so intense and so overwhelming, it would feel like my T HAD to know how I felt, but it wasn't really a reasonable assumption most of the time. We have to take responsibility for our feelings and make them known in order to have our needs met, and you very courageously, despite the acute pain and being so triggered, did what you needed to and let you T know how upsetting this was. He obviously took that into account by providing another session for you. I hope it went really well and you feel connected again. I really think your T is a wonderful one and that you can work through the feelings being kicked up by him running late.



AG

Hi friends,

Sorry it took so long for me to get back here. Work was crazy today and then family time was busy. But here I am and I'm feeling much better.

I met with T this afternoon and I took what I wrote about how I was feeling with regard to his being late for 15 -20 minutes 3 times this month. I was so activated today that I knew I would not be able to be very articulate. He greeted me warmly and was on time LOL. He right away addressed the fact that I got his email only this morning when he sent it last night. He apologized and said he was concerned when he did not hear back from me. He was going to call me this morning when I paged him. I listened to him and then I asked him if I could read what I had prepared because there was something other than the cancellation of today's session going on with us. And I told him I was pretty sure that he was not aware of what was troubling me.

He listened to me and then when I was done he was absolutely non-defensive. When I was done I told him I now wanted to put my blanket over my head. And he said kindly, please don't do that. I said I would try to resist that. I told him that I realized this was his boundary and I had no right to tell him how to run his practice or how to schedule his time but I had a right to tell him how it impacted me and my therapy and our relationship. He listened and said... that is only one part of it. That he also had a responsibility to change what he had been doing because my observations had merit and he didn't realize he was running late so often with me. I tried to let him off the hook but he would not allow me to. He held himself responsible and then told me he was really pleased and proud of me that I took the risk to bring this up. That although he knew it was safe for me to do this... I didn't.

When I told him I was scared to do so, he reminded me to think of our history. Earlier, in my written piece I mentioned that my history was not good with regard to calling people on things. He said I needed to think of OUR history not my history with others to decide if something was safe. He seemed sad that I had to struggle so much with trusting him. We talked about how he has always been non-defensive and very accepting of what I felt.

Then he asked me what I thought when he called me back offering me a new appointment. I told him I thought he knew I was suffering and he wanted to help me. He said yes, and it meant that he was thinking about me and that he cared. And then he asked me what was the first thing I said to him after he asked... and I told him I said ... "are you sure? I don't want to be a problem for you" He said he was trying to offer me something we knew I needed and I was trying to turn it away. Like if he was giving me a gift (he threw in like I gave him last week LOL) and instead of accepting it and saying thank you he would say... oh no... I don't want to make you give this to me... I could be causing you a problem if you give it to me" I had to laugh at that (through my tears). He was right. He was freely giving me the new appointment and I could not accept it. I told him that I felt guilty or that I didn't deserve it. He talked to me about it and explained why I should not feel guilty.

He talked a lot about my inner child and how she keeps making trouble for me because I will not accept her or acknowledge her. She keeps dragging me back into the past. He said the adult me is quite rational and little me is very emotional and scared. No kidding. So then I said... she is my EP (emotional personality) and I am the ANP (apparently normal personality) and he agreed. He said the goal is for integrating her into me but I have to help him to do that. I said I hate her and don't want to know her and he told me he knows I'm afraid he will not like her either but he already does. He likes her a lot and wants to know her better so we can have me control her instead of her controlling me and my life. He told me that he knew he had a young child on the phone today. He also knows when he has the adult (ANP) me in the room because I usually have a smile on my lips and a special light in my eyes when we are engaged. Yikes... he is so observant. He is really looking at me when we are together and that can be somewhat disconcerting. I know he is right because when we are attuned and connected I FEEL like I'm glowing in there with him.

Towards the end I told him that it felt good to just sit there with him. Then I asked him if he was mad at me today? And he smiled at me and shook his head and said no, he was not mad. The way he looked at me at that moment reached into my right brain and shook me. It was a palpable feeling of his care and concern. It seems that my brain reacts more intensely to his look and expression than the words. They make a deep impact on me. I then looked at him and said "when I grow up I want to be just like you". He chuckled and said thank you that was nice.

It was a good meeting that cleared the air and it feels like we are close and connected again and that we can move forward. That he is safe and he is my home. I've missed him and I can't wait to talk to him again on Monday.

Thanks for hanging in there with me through yet another bump in my therapy. I really believe it was the best decision to take my concerns and fears and put them out there for us to look at. It has fortified the foundation of our relationship.

Hugs to all
TN

Thank you for writing, TN...I have been feeling so weird cause my T didn't wirte back to me, but your post made me feel better. Thank you for sharing it, it gives me hope that there can be times when we are not alone.

Love,

BB

Thanks Beebs. Glad I could help. I'll comment further on your thread.

TN

quote:

I said I hate her and don't want to know her and he told me he knows I'm afraid he will not like her either but he already does.

((((TN)))) I can relate so much to this and to your T's response (just like my own T's response) and I am glad you have him by your side. T truly accepting and embracing these vulnerable parts of me is the only thing that has allowed me to start to do it, in very small ways. I have one who constantly asks if T is mad, and he is never ever angry. He's so used to it that when I needed reassurance for that part today, he offered that he was not mad (and not going anywhere) without even being asked, LOL. I'm glad your T is there for you and you are doing such good work together. It was really brave of you to risk what you were feeling about him running late and to get such a caring response about it. I hope you are taking that connection home with you until Monday. I also hope you can learn to have the tenderness toward that little child that your T feels. I know how scary that is, that it feels she will run amok, but that's not really what she wants, I don't think. She just wants to feel safe and be heard and know what it's like to be cared about and protected and valued and special and not made to feel awful or responsible for so much garbage that was done to her or blamed on her, but never ever was her fault or job to deal with...

Well, that's my take on it at least. I feel so much tenderness toward her too, hearing how your T sees and cares for her. She is very special!!!

TN,

I'm so glad to hear that things are better with your T. It sounds like he (as usual) knew just what to say and do. I'm glad that he was able to remain non-defensive and accept what you were saying and take responsibility. That is really important. I know how hard the struggle is between the EP and ANP's and I think it's a great sign of progress to recognize what is going on there so that now moving forward you can slowly start to work on it. It's hard work.

I also liked his analogy of the gift. That makes a lot of sense and is helpful for me as well as I struggle with being offered things as well because I don't want to have them held against me later.

So glad that things were worked out. ((hugs))

TN,
Never doubted him (or you for that matter!) for a moment. So glad that you're in a better place.

love, AG

(((TN)))

I'm so glad that the session was good. He understood and took responsibility for his being late. I'm glad you are feeling connected again and ready to work. I'm going to try and remember that when I go in to my session on Tuesday (Monday is a holiday here in Canada so I have to wait a few more days).

Thank you Yaku. And yes I have taken that really good feeling home with me and I have a deep sense of connection to him today. I do think you are correct in that little TN just want to feel protected, valued and cared for. I think my T is smart enough to know this too. I'm glad your T is so wonderful to your littles and makes them feel safer.

Hi STRM... I'm sorry to hear that you share my struggle to accept things/gifts as they may be held against you later. I feel the same way. Whenever I got something as a child my mother would remind me of how she had to slave and sacrifice and do without to offer me whatever little I got. I didn't need to know that part. I often struggle financially to do things for my son (like pay for special camps and various lessons) but he will NEVER know that. It's not his problem it's mine and I just want him to accept the gift and enjoy it with no strings/guilt attached.

Hi Kashley... thanks for your support. I hope you are okay. I know you are struggling with giving up your horse. That is very sad and I'm sorry. Sending you hugs.

AG....it's okay you can say "I told you so, nah nah!" I'm so glad you were right. Thank you for your support and for not doubting T or me. It was hard but the pay off was immense.

TN

incognito... we cross-posted.

I know how hard it is to wait when there is something on your mind. I want to take a step forward and I think I can now. I think you can too. We can do it together! Sometimes we just have to risk a little for the reward to be so great. I don't think your T will let you down.

Hugs
TN

I’ve not been on forum in a couple of days and wow I’ve missed so much that’s been happening for you TN. I’m really sorry you had to go through so much turmoil and pain when your T cancelled, coming on top of your already feeling badly disconnected.

But I’m glad that you got another appointment AND managed to talk about some of the things that have been bringing you down in therapy lately. Three cheers both for you and for your T. I hope you can retain that wonderful feeling of connection for a loooong time to come.

LL

((((TN))))

I don't know if you appreciate what you just did but it was really terrific and it seems like you just took two big steps forward. You really stood up for yourself with your T in a very nice and assertive way and I love the way he responded.

xoxo

Liese

I am editing this to add that I hope that doesn't come across as condescending or patronizing.