Hi friends,
Sorry it took so long for me to get back here. Work was crazy today and then family time was busy. But here I am and I'm feeling much better.
I met with T this afternoon and I took what I wrote about how I was feeling with regard to his being late for 15 -20 minutes 3 times this month. I was so activated today that I knew I would not be able to be very articulate. He greeted me warmly and was on time LOL. He right away addressed the fact that I got his email only this morning when he sent it last night. He apologized and said he was concerned when he did not hear back from me. He was going to call me this morning when I paged him. I listened to him and then I asked him if I could read what I had prepared because there was something other than the cancellation of today's session going on with us. And I told him I was pretty sure that he was not aware of what was troubling me.
He listened to me and then when I was done he was absolutely non-defensive. When I was done I told him I now wanted to put my blanket over my head. And he said kindly, please don't do that. I said I would try to resist that. I told him that I realized this was his boundary and I had no right to tell him how to run his practice or how to schedule his time but I had a right to tell him how it impacted me and my therapy and our relationship. He listened and said... that is only one part of it. That he also had a responsibility to change what he had been doing because my observations had merit and he didn't realize he was running late so often with me. I tried to let him off the hook but he would not allow me to. He held himself responsible and then told me he was really pleased and proud of me that I took the risk to bring this up. That although he knew it was safe for me to do this... I didn't.
When I told him I was scared to do so, he reminded me to think of our history. Earlier, in my written piece I mentioned that my history was not good with regard to calling people on things. He said I needed to think of OUR history not my history with others to decide if something was safe. He seemed sad that I had to struggle so much with trusting him. We talked about how he has always been non-defensive and very accepting of what I felt.
Then he asked me what I thought when he called me back offering me a new appointment. I told him I thought he knew I was suffering and he wanted to help me. He said yes, and it meant that he was thinking about me and that he cared. And then he asked me what was the first thing I said to him after he asked... and I told him I said ... "are you sure? I don't want to be a problem for you" He said he was trying to offer me something we knew I needed and I was trying to turn it away. Like if he was giving me a gift (he threw in like I gave him last week LOL) and instead of accepting it and saying thank you he would say... oh no... I don't want to make you give this to me... I could be causing you a problem if you give it to me" I had to laugh at that (through my tears). He was right. He was freely giving me the new appointment and I could not accept it. I told him that I felt guilty or that I didn't deserve it. He talked to me about it and explained why I should not feel guilty.
He talked a lot about my inner child and how she keeps making trouble for me because I will not accept her or acknowledge her. She keeps dragging me back into the past. He said the adult me is quite rational and little me is very emotional and scared. No kidding. So then I said... she is my EP (emotional personality) and I am the ANP (apparently normal personality) and he agreed. He said the goal is for integrating her into me but I have to help him to do that. I said I hate her and don't want to know her and he told me he knows I'm afraid he will not like her either but he already does. He likes her a lot and wants to know her better so we can have me control her instead of her controlling me and my life. He told me that he knew he had a young child on the phone today. He also knows when he has the adult (ANP) me in the room because I usually have a smile on my lips and a special light in my eyes when we are engaged. Yikes... he is so observant. He is really looking at me when we are together and that can be somewhat disconcerting.
I know he is right because when we are attuned and connected I FEEL like I'm glowing in there with him.
Towards the end I told him that it felt good to just sit there with him. Then I asked him if he was mad at me today? And he smiled at me and shook his head and said no, he was not mad. The way he looked at me at that moment reached into my right brain and shook me. It was a palpable feeling of his care and concern. It seems that my brain reacts more intensely to his look and expression than the words. They make a deep impact on me. I then looked at him and said "when I grow up I want to be just like you". He chuckled and said thank you that was nice.
It was a good meeting that cleared the air and it feels like we are close and connected again and that we can move forward. That he is safe and he is my home. I've missed him and I can't wait to talk to him again on Monday.
Thanks for hanging in there with me through yet another bump in my therapy. I really believe it was the best decision to take my concerns and fears and put them out there for us to look at. It has fortified the foundation of our relationship.
Hugs to all
TN