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Care

aboutaboutMember
***Stream of thoughts***

T says (said) she cares.

Part 1 of me does not believe her. I don't deserve care.
Part 2 of me believes she cares like I care about my homework. That's fine. She is doing her job and wants to do it well.
Part 3 of me believes she cares as a human being, because she says so. It is not exactly believing, it has no reality in my Feeling Self. However, out of respect for her and what she says, I must acknowledge this possibility. Accusing her of lying is disrespectful. Even if what she says is not believable.

She cares, she says.

Care? There is no translation of this word in my language. We have "worry", "like", but nothing like "care". Does it mean something?

Care. I want people to care. I feel it would help, it would feel good. Then, if they cared, I would be fine, I would not be lost anymore, I wouldn't be abandoned inside myself.

She says she cares. Some level of me believes her. Yet it doesn't change anything. It doesn't mean I won't lose her, she won't go away. Physically, I am the one who went away, and will do it again. But inside, I am abandoned. And that she cares won't change a thing. I will be as lost, as empty as usual. Care is an empty word? It doesn't prevent people from disappearing. It doesn't help. It feels good, but it doesn't change a thing.

And it's worse if it is true that she cares. It means that care won't save me. (what will)
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catalystcatalystMember
Hi About,

From what I know for some attachment types there is a sense that there is the one perfect person or perfect thing (a savior) out there to make them whole (or like you said fine, not lost, not abandoned INSIDE yourself).

I think what care does is teach us on a deep level is intrinsic value of ourselves so that we are not lost, abandoned or rejected by our own selves. We save ourselves, but it's not until the skills are there.... learning those skills is the "saving" I think. Others can care or not care, move in and out of our lives, hurt or hold us and the goal is for your self-concept not to change, and an increased ability to handle the rough patches.

My Ts have said a lot to me about building resilience and learning the things I didn't get a chance to so that I can be what I'd like to be. T says she cares too, and is beautifully attentive, empathetic and caring... but I can't take that in, even if I can see it. I feel icky, and awful, and ashamed... like I exist TOO MUCH and don't deserve to be acknowledged. When I can handle it... I think accepting in her care means I'm accepting myself as worthy of care - that's the hard part.

Hug two

Not sure if that helped. I do hope you can take in your Ts care eventually, and your own value as well.
aboutaboutMember
Thank you for your answer Catalyst, and sorry for my late reply, I couldn't find time to answer properly and I wanted to process your answer.

quote:
T says she cares too, and is beautifully attentive, empathetic and caring... but I can't take that in, even if I can see it. I feel icky, and awful, and ashamed... like I exist TOO MUCH and don't deserve to be acknowledged. When I can handle it... I think accepting in her care means I'm accepting myself as worthy of care - that's the hard part.

Thank you for expressing very well what I feel every time when she tells me she cares.

Could you develop your thoughts on the attachment forms and the sense that there is a savior? It seems quite relevant to what I feel but I haven't read anything about it yet?

I don't know, I just have this feeling I need to be cared for, that it would replace the necessity of living of trying, that it would... hold me. But it doesn't, and I know it won't. Then, what can hold me? (Myself, but what if I can't?)

Thanks.

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