Good question.

I guess everyone has a need to care for themselves, but there are times when we all need a wee bit of comfort from others to do that.

To me, taking care of someone seems to imply dependence. It might also imply an infringement upon personal freedoms -- such as making decisions for a person that normally would be made by that person for his/herself. Whereas to comfort someone does not seem to imply taking away their choices but respecting them. Does that sound right?

I thought about this question for a while. I think the lines are really blurry for me.

Eventually, I sort of settled on the idea that taking care of someone implies that they may not have the capacity to do that for themselves. So, parents take care of their children, or at least they are supposed to. People take care of their pets. You can possibly take care of another adult when they are sick or in pain.

Can you take care of another independent adult without taking away their autonomy? That's a big question - not sure if I have an answer. Certainly in therapy, I have experienced a deep yearning to be taken care of by my therapist and then had to suffer the pain of knowing that she cannot really do that; replace what was often absent.

Comfort on the other hand... that to me is less about doing something for someone else, more coming alongside them to be empathic in whatever capacity they need at the time.

The lines are still blurry to me though, even after reading through my post!

I think when you provide comfort your "giving" something like time, support, food etc. when you "take" care of someone all the responsibility is put on your shoulders.
Just my opinion.

Mudd

for me it's a fine line, and the line can be blurred and merge into one another. i think of caring as a more concrete thing, although depending on the use of the word it can be construed as comfort, i think. at any rate, when i think of caring about somebody it's about doing a physical something for that person, and when i think of comfort it's more of an intangible thing. not sure if this helps in the least.

I feel like care is 'doing for' and comfort is 'doing with'.

but it is dual...

for example: i have to care about myself enough to comfort myself not using ED behaviors. and: i can comfort myself from caring about myself.

so... i get the confusion. for example a t could hand you a kleenex that's caring, but, could also be comforting. so could just letting you know where the kleenex was, or having any in the first place (comforting because it is a symbol that crying or having a runny nose or an icky thing to pick up is okay, and caring because it's thoughtfulness on the t's part to do that).

sometimes i've seen people say that if they were cared about they would/should be comforted (or "she comforted me, therefore she cares" same thing). so there clearly is a difference. also no one would say 'i comfort about you'... comforting also says to me like there is something going on that needs active attention, where I could show my partner I care by packing their lunch and the lunch might not comfort them (but it could - depending on their feelings at the time). You can care for your carpets at home... but you could never comfort them (I mean, depends on your issue, but, my carpets are way less animated where I live now than my other place and don't really need much emotionally).

beats me.

Thanks (((muff))) - Guess I'm looking for that wee bit of comfort and realizing that I have no one in real life to provide it.

Thanks (((MH))) - I like the distinction between dependence/choices as a qualifier, makes sense to me.

Thanks (((Mallard))) and nice to meet you. - This resonated with me:

quote:

taking care of someone implies that they may not have the capacity to do that for themselves.

Certainly in therapy, I have experienced a deep yearning to be taken care of by my therapist and then had to suffer the pain of knowing that she cannot really do that; replace what was often absent.

Comfort is more coming alongside them to be empathic in whatever capacity they need at the time.

Thanks for the food for thought.

Thanks (((mudd))) - the responsibility piece makes sense.

Thanks (((CD))) - it is definitely a fine line, and that kinda sucks.

(((Cat))) - this makes TOTAL sense:

quote:

I feel like care is 'doing for' and comfort is 'doing with'.

And if I were in a less depressed mood, I'd be able to reply with a funny anecdote about my hardwood floors, but that will have to be for a later time.

- - - - -

In a nutshell, after an unexpected death in the family, I let my world get flipped upside down. I desperately wanted someone to comfort me after all that has happened in the last two weeks, but what I got was less than comforting, which confused me, because I never realized that asking for comfort could be seen as asking to be taken care of. I know that T can't take care of me. Even if T offered, I know I'd decline being taken care of. However, a little bit of comfort would be nice, and while again, I know T can't provide it, I wish T could steer me in the direction of how to comfort the self when no one is there to offer comfort.

((((R2G)))) i'm so sorry for your loss and the difficult time you're having right now.

i don't know, TN ... although therapy for me is hugely anxiety provoking, i still derive comfort from it, which i believe actually is the one thing that keeps me coming back. for me, comfort can be as simple as somebody listening to you, being in the now with you, being emotionally responsive to you. from what i've read about your T relationship, he provides, or has provided at one time or another, all of this. are you asking for something more from him than you have in the past that he is not willing to provide? those are my first thoughts. i am sorry if they are harsh in any way, i don't mean them to be.

your comment "asking for comfort could be seen as asking to be taken care of" i interesting to me. i guess in a way it could be taken this way. but then the flip side of me has to ask "what about humanity"? what about two people responding to each other in a human way? why does it have to be about somebody "taking care" of somebody else? can't it be "although maybe i can't care for you in the way you'd like me to, i do care about you"? i feel like i'm talking in circles. i just am thinking that a T can show comfort without "taking care" of their clients. and while i think that it is a job for a T to teach clients how to comfort themselves, i think it's inhumane to think you can't comfort somebody out of fear that they will think you are "taking care" of them. again, talking in circles, which to me shows how much these two things are blurred together, for me.

Oh R2G I'm so sorry to hear about your loss ((hug))

I hope you can at least find comfort here.

could i ask who you were looking for comfort from? if that's not too much info. a lot of people are very uncomfortable with grief and their ability to comfort is sort of like 'don't cry, they are in a better place, it's all good' *pat on the back* because they are confronted with their own "stuff" and i think sometimes it's hard so it comes across as dismissive. That's why in a lot of cases people bring food - both for the people coming in town but it's to

When I try to comfort it's tailored to the person. I wish everyone had lessons on that kind of stuff - I have, for sensitive situations at work anyway/responding to HR-like issues.

I don't see asking for comfort as asking to be taken care of necessarily, to comfort it generally would presuppose there is care there. I dunno... it's hard to communicate what is needed with comfort - so I can see a struggle if... they don't really know. I have a standard "comfort package" for upset strangers or people I don't know well and I learn as I go or ask what they need and then they won't tell me I offer stuff or just hang. With my friends... I know intimately what would comfort them. My friend would want her dog, so if we were out of town, I'd get her a stuffie, she also likes certain food and I could make that, she likes extra time to shower, so I could make sure to prepare that way, and she likes silence and sorta avoiding the topic and for me to think of ideas of stuff for us to do (that's my best friend of 26 years). She is NOT huggy. There are other friends I have who would just want me to pet their head. Or would just want me to sit and listen... ya know?

Ughghhghgh I'm really sorry people were not attuned enough with you to help you find the comfort you need. How to comfort yourself unfortunately goes back to... like... taking a bath, looking at something you like, listening to music, etc, etc. Which doesn't make the bad stuff go away but can help you move through. Being tuned in to what you need is the best comfort you can give yourself if you are alone. If you usually like to be held, a blanket can work, if not that a blanket with some pillows around and a hot water bottle works too :/

Sorry this was long. thinking of you..

Thanks (((CD))) You are right, therapy itself is comforting, most of the time. It feels so safe sitting in Ts office, I don't think we'd even have to talk and I'd still feel comforted and cared about. You aren't talking circles, I know what you mean. I think that T and I need to talk about what is too much "wanting of comfort" from T and what is appropriate for the client/T relationship we have.

Thanks (((Cat))) You can ask - I didn't ask anyone for comfort, I was hoping T would offer some comforting words. Instead, I ended up whining a little more than usual, and in turn, T felt I was wanting T to take care of me. Which wasn't my intention, actually, neither of us just realized that at the moment.

I think that this whole conversation has really gotten me thinking about caring, caring for, caring about, and comforting concepts. All of them blur together in some aspects, but I'm realizing that T cares about me, and often is comforting to me, but T can't care for me.

The thing that I have the hardest time with is that with all that has happened in the past few weeks (and in the past in different situations) when I have a rough day or a hard time with something, I go home to me. No one to talk to to process, no one to offer a hug or a pat on the back or physical comfort of any form, no one to bring me a hot cuppa and just sit with me. It's all on me to provide that kind of comfort to myself, and frankly, I get sick of it. Yeah, I have comfort objects and some nice treats I can provide, my ultra soft blanket, sweet treats saved for times like this, yummy bubbles for the bath. But sometimes that isn't what I need (or more like, what I want, but feel like I need.)

Anyway, it's gonna be an interesting conversation next session with T, cause I want to try and figure out what is ok to expect from T, and then maybe one day, I'll be able to ask for it instead of wish for it.

(((R2G)))

Sorry for chiming in late. I'm sorry about your loss. How exactly did T think you wanted to be taken care of?

It's such a great idea to talk about it with her. I find that sometimes my T has one train of thought and I have another. It's always good to hammer things out. I'm sorry you couldn't get the care or comfort that you needed when you needed it.

Hi (((Liese))) and thanks for the words.

T and I had a hard, but very helpful conversation about what transpired. Basically, I learned, once again, that T is human and fallible. I think that's one of my favorite thing about T - the humanness that T shows on a fairly regular basis.

I've had Ts in the past that do email and/or texting. I've had Ts in the past that don't disclose at all. I've had Ts that hug, that hold my hand, that have held me when I cried. I've had Ts that overshare. I've seen Ts in home offices and clinics and private offices. But I've never had a T like mine.

Within the boundaries of our therapeutic relationship, I learned what happens when I repeatedly knock into the boundaries, like someone knocking constantly on a door. I learned that T truly cares about me and the other clients. I also learned that as hard as it might be to have conversations surrounding the therapeutic relationship, sometimes those are the most beneficial and provide the most opportunity for reflection and growth.

And I am reminded once again, how much I love my T.
(maybe one of these days I'll actually be able to speak it!)