Hi Firefly,
I am very sorry that you're feeling this way. As I was reading your post I was struck by the fact that no matter where you started, you ended up alone. And every choice is accompanied by shame. That tells me two things. I'm guessing that in the past, you have been very hurt by someone very close to you, enough so that on some level, you learned no matter how you're feeling or what your instinct is, the only way to stay safe is to be alone.

And humans are social, tribal creatures whose instinct is to move towards relationships when in pain, it takes alot to keep us away. And also because we are social creatures, shame is the strongest deterent to doing something in our emotional arsenal. So when is an action that is very natural, and indeed biologicially driven, proves to be dangerous, we need a great deal of shame to drive us in the other direction.

Which is also why I think the last thing your T would think is that you're doing this just for attention. To act so contrary to human nature indicates that something happened along the way to push you in this direction.

I also know that I've had all the feelings you're talking about. The way to fix it is to move closer, despite the fear, to people you know are safe so that you can experience that good things happen when you move closer instead of what your unconscious is dreading which is injury of some kind. Your T is a good place to start as they are safe and also can understand why it would be so scary without taking it personally.

There is a way through Firefly but it is hard work and usually pretty scary along the way. But it's worth it when you look back.

AG

quote:

Or I am being honest, also pushing them away.

It's like there is no winning.

I think there is. What you are feeling right now is exactely how I'm feeling, too. And, my T taught me that you can win. Those people who really care about you, those people who are true friends, they won't mind when you're honest and tell them how you really feel. They will be there for you, no matter what. Acting like you're OK works with people who are not true friends. For the sake of keeping up appearances, you can act like everything is ok to them, but those people who really know you will know it's an act, and they will be there for you unconditionally. Hold on to those people, and forget about pretending. It's not worth it, and you are worth having those friends who are there for you no matter what.

The pain of acting is unnecessary, as is pushing people away, because you won't, not if those people are true friends.

I always want to keep up appearances, but in the end... it's just not worth it. Too much pain, it costs too much energy, and you get very little in return.

Take care Firefly

May

I think being honest is the way to go. I too worry about being pushed away. Honest got me berated, threatened and kicked out of my home throughout my youth. But, there are safe people to be honest with. Like the others have said, T is a good start. I am slowly taking steps into relationships with people I think I can count on with that honesty. Right now, it's just my T, my pastor and his wife, a set of friends from church who has similar family history...but it is slowly increasing. I also worry that people will think I just want attention, but what I really want is connection. I think your truly trustworthy friends can see the difference between these two...