Walked in and tried to get acclimated to the new reception room. Some woman was sitting in my usual chair which is the furthest you can get from his office and still be in the reception room LOL. So I reluctantly took another chair. The room does look very nice and for some reason the walls looked a different color… like a warm sand beige. I don’t know if it’s has always been this color… I can’t remember. I don’t think so. It looks freshly painted. So anyway I had 2 simultaneous thoughts…. 1) OMG his office must be VASTLY different and 2) I wish he painted it this color because it’s so warm and soothing. What is so funny is that I just painted a lot of my own house this same color.

Okay, so he comes out and shakes my hand and tells me to go in he’ll be right back. Yikes. He left me alone to go in and I was so afraid to even stick my nose in the door!! So I thought about waiting for him in reception but then I thought it may be easier if he’s not there for me to get used to whatever it now looks like. So I slowly walk in and it’s very much the same except for the two large leather wingback chairs in place of my beloved floral fabric chairs. They looked so scary and imposing that I could barely look at them but I looked long enough to see that T had my special blanket draped over the back of my usual seat. This sort of tugged at my heart. But at that moment I kicked off my high heels and grabbed the blanket and sat down on the floor at the foot of the chair and leaning against the wall. I was sitting there, cross-legged trying to catch my breath with my head in my hands. I literally could not breathe for a few minutes.

My T walked in after a few minutes and said how you are? And then saw me on the floor and said …uh oh… and he, without a word, plopped down on the floor just across from me. I could not look at him so I have no idea of his expression when he saw me and no idea how he got to the floor. He asked me if I could look at him and I said no. I told him I needed to try to calm down first. He said okay. Then he asked me a bunch of questions like if I tried the chairs before the floor and I said no. He asked me what I was feeling at that moment and I told him I was scared … mostly that he is different. I finally looked at him and he was sitting there cross-legged just like me in his nice dress slacks and just calmly waiting for me to tell him how I was feeling and why I was scared. I thanked him for his email. I told him that I liked it and it was very empathic and kind. He told me in the email that he hoped I liked the changes in his office and that I would find comfort in his presence there. That the important thing is what is between him and me not the office decorations. He said he was glad that I liked his email and he needed to go back and read it to see what I consider “empathic” LOL. As those who have been reading my posts will know that I am always accusing him of being totally NON-empathic!

I told him what the old chairs represented. They were a safe oasis for me in there. He talked to me about how I had to use “things” to make me feel safe because the people who needed to do that for me did not and were not there for me. He talked about how oldT would change things and not explain why or give me warning and how it seemed punitive. I told him the chairs were a loss for me and he asked me about other losses I have suffered. I got scared because it felt like we were getting into areas I did not want to get into. I told him I had lots of losses including my childhood and the opportunity to go to college. He didn’t push me on that.

Instead, he talked to me about why he changed the chairs and that he tried to find replacements that were similar. He told me that some of his clients were complaining because they had allergies and the fabric chairs were holding onto dog and cat hair. I looked at him and said… people bring their cats in here??? He sat no just their cat HAIR… meaning on their clothing which then got stuck to his chairs. He said he tried to clean them but they were so old that the fabric was coming apart. Aside from this they were saggy and not comfortable any longer. He said he hoped that the new chairs would feel comfortable very soon and that we need to break them in. I said to him that there are a lot of the symbolic, psychological reasons for how I’m feeling but there remains the fact that I hate leather chairs… they are cold and formal and business-ey and feel hard and stiff. So he said we need to figure out a way to make me feel better about them. So I asked him how? He said well, we could use a blanket or throw on them… so I smiled and said you mean a slipcover? He said “oh no, not that. Bad childhood memories for me”.

At some point I talked to him about how this whole thing made me feel so powerless and how I had no choice. There was no place to sit in his office for me now that was not leather. Also how I had no power to hold onto what I needed because other people just took things away from me. Things that were important just disappear on me. He said “you mean people disappear on you, they leave you”. I nodded. Of course, we had to discuss what happened with oldT and how inconsistent he was and how he harmed me and how angry my T is with him for abandoning me and abusing me. He told me you are the kind of patient we want and you were in the middle of a SUCCESSFUL therapy with him. It was HIM not you. Once again leading to a discussion of avoiding people who will hurt me. Then I told him that I was sorry for being so uncooperative today. He told me not to say those kinds of things because he was not thinking at all that I was uncooperative but I put that thought in his mind. He said with him it was okay because he understands but “out there” with other people it may back fire on me. He said I need to learn that I don’t have to appease others in these situations.

I have to say that it was an amazing experience to sit on the floor with him. When I told him I was afraid he would be like his chairs, formal, authoritative, cold he smiled and said “is that why I’m sitting here on the floor with you?” Point for him. It felt safer and more intimate on the floor. IDK… sharing the same sitting surface? At first it was disconcerting and strange but it got better. I know he was not that comfortable and I told him he could go back to sit in his chair and he said no he’d rather sit with me. I got tired and untangled my legs and stretched out and at one point I had to get up on my knees to reach the tissue box. Despite the horror of the chairs… I think sitting on the floor with him went a long way to helping my connection to him. I think it was a good thing. It felt intense in some way. He talked to me more about how important the relationship was. That it was him and me together that was the important thing. Not the furniture.

At one point I looked at him and said that I was so afraid he would want to be rid of me and that he was stuck with me. He asked me why? I said because I come to him with a failed therapy behind me and I’m having such a hard time connecting with him and I’m not always so easy. And that he would not want to get rid of me to add another abandonment onto my last one. He said he knew after two sessions that we could work together and that he wanted to work with me and he would not change his mind about that. He said I could stay as long as I wanted to. He spoke so softly and gently and told me that I needed to know that my acceptance there was totally unconditional. I looked at him and he said it again and then I just burst into deep sobbing. He was quiet for a minute or two and then I got control and looked at him and I said … that was scary to hear. He said what was scary about it? I said …well maybe not scary, wrong word. It was powerful to hear and I know you’ve said that before but it’s so hard for me to hear it, to take it in. He simply said to me “I think you finally heard it now”. He was right. I heard it in a way that made me FEEL it. It was good. I am accepted there by him and I don’t have to do anything to earn that place or to keep that place. I can stay as long as I want to. That is an amazing feeling.

After that we talked a bit more about lighter things and then wrapped up the session. He joked that it was going to be hard to get back up LOL. He said sitting on the floor reminds him that he is getting older. I said, better not older. I got up too with as much dignity as I could muster for my age and slipped back into my heels and put my blanket away stealing another quick glance at the scary chairs. Maybe I will bring my throw next time and test them out. I think it was Catalyst that wrote about making friends with new stuff before using it. That describes exactly what I feel I must do to get past this change.

I am really so lucky to have found a T like him. While we may not sit on the floor next time, I think we will do it again when I am struggling with talking to him about something. I think it was good to get us/me out of the rut I felt we were in. It also gives me hope that trying some new and different stuff may make a real difference in my therapy to move us forward.

If you read this much… wow. And thank you. I am still sort of shaky and need time to try to take it all in.

Hugs
TN