change is hard. but, i think, i resist it so much, too much, that i don't move forward.

really.

what would my life be like if i decided today, to be happy. to let go of unmet dreams of the past. to quit looking in the rear view mirror and focus on the now. to accept myself fully...sensitive, loopy at times, introverted, close dear friends, quality over quantity, not 'popular', dear to those near, aging, sagging in places, sometimes sarcastic and hurtful, sometimes euphoric and loving, moody, cries easily, distant from family of origin, beloved by kids and husband, needs nine hours of sleep, not the best housekeeper, average cook, loves sex, loyal, honest, funny, intelligent.

y'no, collectively it is not all bad stuff. it is what it is, and trying to make it different isn't going to work too well.

i don't know all the answers in life, doubtful any t does.

what would happen if tonight, i decided to change. to drop the self hate, the self doubt, the self blame, the undue guilt, the undue shame, the unearned pain, and move forward?

is this where you get when 'it' happens?

you eventually decide to let go of what you had gripped so hard to for so long, and change??

someone who has been there, tell me. i don't think rehashing the trauma is the secret. i could be wrong. is it just stepping across the threshold, and changing some things???

telling those old tapes that say 'you are not being productive', 'you are being too sensitive', 'you are wrong, your perception is wrong, THEY are right, you just don't get it'...to shut up??

is that what it is?? my, i do so want across that threshold. what does it look like over there without all this baggage? is that all there is?? letting go of the past, and trying on a new me??

jill