Wow that sounds abrupt and scary. To not have any time to process moving times, if you could or would accommodate another time for someone else, would be so hard for me. Not seeing T at the normal time is very difficult for me - I recently had to change the days/times of all my appointments, a month later it is still frustrating. Especially having a time for so long... It just feels so inconsiderate. All that said though, it does sound (at least from what you say here) that you cancel with some regularity... That may also be a reason he was so quick to move you. My T sees/has seen me regularly on Monday mornings, I feel a lot of responsibility there not to bail on Sunday giving her effectively no time to slot fill (I've never not shown up for that one). I think if I had a history of being off and on with my appointments and T wanted to fulfill both my time needs and another's time needs - if they could only come one time or could be more reliable for Monday or something (if I had an issue), it would make sense to move me. Being so cold and giving no process time, nor even a choice on OTHER times is crazy!

It seems as if I am in the same boat as RT. No outside contact, no extra sessions. Time to look at what I want and need. It's not about him. I have to stop thinking about him...I don't want to hurt his feelings by finding someone else. I need what I need and it's time to stop making excuses for the firm decisions he has made. If I don't like what the choices he makes...there has to be someone I can find who is willing to compromise.

I will be sending him a letter about this. He is now being completely unreasonable to give my time to another client. Obviously, it must be someone who is more important to him than I am.

Also, he is not even letting me have a choice. I want to be able to have a choice. At least be willing to compromise. But no, he has to be firm and consistent.

It doesn't matter what I want or need. He said, "You know the rules." I hate them. I hate the rules, why he thinks he needs to follow the rules...why he can't be flexible.

I want to send him hate mail.

T.

you have me the whole time TAS, except

quote:

He is now being completely unreasonable to give my time to another client. Obviously, it must be someone who is more important to him than I am.

sorry, but this SCREAMS talk to your T about this. i hope you will.

in closing, you can send a letter. maybe he's being compltely unreasonalble.

Hi TAS,
I have a regular time at 10.00 on Sundays. T knows I like this time, before her maternity leave it was 10.00 Tuesday. T has said this time is mine as much as possible and she will only change if it is unavoidable.
Last week she asked me if I could change to 11.00. I was not keen as I get very anxious before the sessiona and also being a Sunday it effects any family plans. I asked is it better for you. She replied it made no difference to her, but the person coming after me asked if he could come earlier. I said I prefered to keep my time. She said it is ok, it is my time, I was there first and she had just told the other client she would ask me. But I am an old client, he is a new client and it is my time if I want it.
This week I told her I felt a bit guilty about saying no, but she said it is ok. She had told the other person that that time is already taken and there is no pressure to change if I don't want too.
I think yout T should have discussed it with you first. How does he know that the later time is ok with you!

I am in a low mood today and things aren't going my way - so with that negative black cloud hanging over me.....i vote that you leave him TAS, go find another T who will be kinder and more attentive and tell this T to go. I wouldn't even bother writing him a letter. You have written letters before and he doesn't change. You write letters when you want the person to change and if you are going to leave him - then it is a waste of your time.

Put your energy into a new relationship.

I must say, that I agree with Somedays, TAS. I was reading you, and it seems that it is too much rupture between you and so many needs on your side that aren't met and in my opinion should be.

Thinking of you!

TAS, I firmly believe that clients are experts in their own lives. Sure there are times in our lives when our Ts call us on stuff we may not be aware we're doing but the bottom line is you have the right to choose what type of therapy you receive.

You seem very clear that what you need in a T is someone boundaried who allows some contact between sessions. Since current T is not going to provide this, the only way to have this is to find someone else and discuss it up front, and not stop until you find someone you can work with.

Personally, I am at a point in my journey where I don't need that flexibility - but I did once. I do need warmth. I have straight up asked Ts before I agree to see them how they feel about showing warmth and care because I do not cope well with a blank, emotionless screen. That is not me behaving like a special snowflake, it is a reasonable need to have.

Time and time again, all the research shows that the one thing that affects the outcome of therapy is the quality of the therapeutic relationship, as judged by the client, not the therapist. For whatever reason you guys don't seem to meet in the middle.

Personally, I don't believe therapy needs to be this hard, or this painful all the time. You can try and tough it out, take some risks, tell him how you feel - and you might eventually come to an understanding together but there is nothing wrong with choosing not to continue.

I read one of ShrinkLady's responses on her website to a woman called Kathy. I think she makes some really good points about why people stay in therapy when it's not working out. You might find it an interesting and helpful read.

I'm sorry things are tough TAS.

At the least I would be asking him if he has any respect for me. I mean to just say "no" was pretty terse and harsh. Did even say "thank you" for being flexible etc?

I am wondering what you do get out of seeing him because the more I hear about him the more I think he's not good for you.

Thank you for all the replies! I am sorry Some Days you are having a difficult time right now. I hope my post didn't make it worse.

I want to leave, I want to stay...He seems to think because I called, cancelled and said I was quitting therapy...I was crying when I left the message because I am so sick of myself...I didn't really think he would give my appt. away to a TOTAL STRANGER and then give my appt. time to ANOTHER client...

Honestly, I can't see anything objectively right now...I told him I was still showing up at 2 pm next week and it was his problem as far as the other client is concerned. I want my time back.

Maybe he thinks because I cancelled and quit, then I don't get a say. I mean, he could have at least called me before I made the drive to his office...

Next week will be interesting. I am not budging on this and if he has to see two clients at one time...so be it. That is his problem.

When I asked him why, he said, "You cancelled. You quit." I said, "You KNOW I always come around. You have always held my spot."

He stated, "I know that is what you do." He kept putting it back on me.

So, I don't know if this is his way of trying to get my attention. Maybe he thinks I don't value therapy because I am always running.

Either way, next week will be interesting when I and the other client meet in the lobby.

T.

I'm not sure if I'm getting the events straight.

Did he give the 2pm slot to another client before or after you called saying you were cancelling and going to quit?

I called last Thursday...saying I was cancelling and quitting. He knows I do this and always has held the spot open for me. This time, when I came in, a letter was left on the table in the lobby for me.

He stated I had cancelled and so he filled the slot with someone else. He stated also in the letter he was going to ASK me if I could come in at 3 pm, if I was going to continue in therapy.

I don't have a problem with him filling the appt. I cancelled...but he knows I freak out every once in a while and quit...when things get somewhat overwhelming...and he always knows I am not quitting.

This time, he acted as if I had quit (instead of understanding I wasn't quitting) and gave my regularly scheduled time away. I understand filling the appt. I had cancelled...but to give my appt. time away to another client...that's not fair.

He has always held my appt. for the following week, even if I cancel or say I am quitting. This time he did not. It was no different than any other time.

I don't think I am being unreasonable when it comes to giving my regularly scheduled time away. I understand one week...but now the change is permanent.

He has never done this before and I told him I want my appt. time back. He just gave it away without even confirming if I was truly quitting or coming back.

Anyway, don't know if this makes sense. Thank you Mallard

RT: You are right...I do have a choice. I hope you are doing well. You are a very strong person.

T.

I quit about every other week for the first couple of years. Then I would call the therapist back to make another appointment. She had never given the usual time I went to another person. I would call and say I would like to make another appointment and did she have any openings, and she would say how about the time you were scheduled and I would go back. She did not say anything to me about quitting. Now, I just cancel for a week if I want without the quitting part of it.
I write this here because there are therapists out there who will not get into a pissing contest with you about this sort of stuff.

I am not a huge fan of parental analogy in relation to a therapist because I think it helps give the therapist more power than they actually do and certainly more than they should believe they have. Clients are most assuredly not children and the therapist does not get to act like a parent towards a client, but if one wants to consider them in that sort of position, then another way of looking at it is how children run to the parent and then away from the parent and then look back to make sure the parent is still there, but will push the parent away - and the good parent is patient and waits and does not expect the child to change on the parent's schedule, but the child's own. Clients do not have to, nor should they, perform on the therapist's schedule, but to their own. And if it takes someone longer, then so be it. I would not assume to know what any therapist's goals were and frankly, I think it is the client's goals that matter, not those of the therapist. Sometimes, for me, saying I was quitting gave me the power to go back. The therapist I see did not react and in time, I could move past quitting to merely taking a break. On my own time schedule, not that of the therapist.