hello. i have written some posts about trouble with my T. I have seen her 3x per week for about 5 years. During the last 3 years or so, there have been several instances where I have expressed deep concern about the success of the therapy and whether or not it was more destructive than helpful for me to be in it. The T always insisted it was helpful, gave some examples of why and I would let myself get sucked back in. This literally happened about 25 times in the course of the last 3 years.

Now that I am exploring other T's and getting consults, I am starting to think that maybe I was right the whole time. I now even remember how my friends would often tell "rock, you can't keep going back and forth. you dont trust this woman, please stop going, its not good for you." This woman is a respected T. It's not like she is some bozo so I felt like my distrust was what I needed to work on and I didn't listen to my doubts or my friends concerns.

Now as I explore my options, I am finding myself flooded with fear and regret that maybe I wasted a lot of time with her. Maybe the self destruction with drugs and cigarettes may be something that will come back to haunt me (ie: what if i get lung cancer in the future because I smoked to deal with my anxiety of being in therapy with her).

I have this feeling that I was taken and manipulated by her and yet I realize it was mostly my choice to keep going back to her.

So who knows. I may conclude that in fact my distrust was a consequence of what I need to work on and she is perfectly fine. But I know now I am kind of spun out in my mind that I totally wasted a ton of time and will grow to regret it in a big way.

THanks for listening.

Rock