Incognito I had to respond to you because I have felt and experienced so many of the things you wrote about. What you describe as unhelpable I describe to my T as "unfixable". I tell him that I'm afraid it won't ever be possible to fix me and that it's just so hopeless. And I have been stuck in that "I'm not making any progress" trap too. It's just that we can't see the progress we are making because we are too close to the situation. But our T's can see it and our friends can too. Especially our friends on this Board. It may be worthwhile to have a sort of review session with your T and discuss what progress he has already seen in you and the changes you have made in yourself. I find this to be helpful to do once in awhile. My T just wrote me an email where he told me that I am making progress every week even if I don't see it.

And he has never really come out and said "I like you" but it's more in his behavior and how he treats me that tells me we have a good working relationship.

I think that I feel the worst when I just finish a session and have to still process what I need to and then later on after 2 days or so I start to calm down. Of course there are those inbetween times when I need to email him for reassurance.

I think you are doing well and you need to give yoruself credit for how far you have come. As I recall you have recently shared some very difficult things with your T. Would you have imagined you could do that 6 months ago?

Hang in there.

TN

quote:

This process is helping me figure out which part of myself to trust, the critical, judgemental one that is trying to get into his head to know what he is thinking so i can behave accordingly, or the heart of me that can accept myself as i am and my T as he is.

Wow HB

I never thought of it this way. I'm always trying to figure out what my T is thinking because I don't want her to think badly of me. I didn't really think of it as trying to figure out how to behave with her. But, this makes sense. I'm always worried of what she thinks and I've told her this. When she asks me what I think she is thinking, my idea never comes close. Of course I always figure that she is thinking the worst of me. And, that seems to never be true. She does constantly reassure me of her non-judgemental feelings for me, I just need her to remind me a lot.

Thanks HB - lots to think about.

PL

quote:

...is coming from me and that i am entitlted to feel whatever i feel irrespective of his feelings.

i really find it helpful when my t feels with me, watching what goes on in me in another person and not freaking out over it. the other day i was sooo angry about something my ex said and my t was nearly fuming too when i told him. i felt so light and 'right' afterward! this lasted all but 30 minutes and in retrospect i wish i could have followed the process of the walls coming back into my heart. would have been instructive. but i didn't, instead i was fighting it. always a useful reaction to be sure (not)

anyway i digress. what i wanted to say incognito is: how can any t with half a heart not like you or anybody on this forum for this matter? i'm not saying this lightly but feel that the pain, honesty and commitment DOES incite a response if they're open! does that make sense???

sb

quote:

. what i wanted to say incognito is: how can any t with half a heart not like you or anybody on this forum for this matter? i'm not saying this lightly but feel that the pain, honesty and commitment DOES incite a response if they're open! does that make sense???

Thank you SB for saying this. I am trying to accept and process this. I know I feel strongly for others on this forum. I like, respect, and treasure people I've never met for their honesty and responses so I know if I wasn't me I would get this easily.

HB and TN, I'm glad to hear I'm not the only one who has a T who doesn't do reassurances simply. HB I totally relate to your description of yourself as

quote:

. the critical, judgemental one that is trying to get into his head to know what he is thinking so i can behave accordingly, or the heart of me that can accept myself as i am and my T as he is.

I have never considered that there is another part of me besides the critical, judging one. Thank you for another way to look at myself.

Incognito,
I can't seem to find my brain today but I want to reply to you. I am sorry if I've ever given the impression that my relationship with my T is always rosey. It is so much more painful than that. I go through periods of it feeling like an exotic love affair or cozy maternal connection to periods of such frustrations I wish I had the strength to quit! I can't even threaten to quit because it feels absolutely impossible for me right now. I may as well cut of my oxygen supply. She has never told me that she cares for me. In fact, what I tried to say last night before my post conveniently dissapeared on me was that I had JUST called and left her a vm asking if she cares for me. (talk about synchronicity)I didn't hear back from her until this morning and she expressed her frustration that no matter how hard she tries to demonstrate that she cares for me I keep searching for rejection and that is very frustrating to her. Well, gee that made me feel much better. But I do remember that she has told me in the past that even if she does get frustrated we WILL work through it and of course the now infamous words "There is nothing you can do that will ever make me leave you, never, ever, ever, ever!" So she didn't use the words "Yes I care for you." but I should be able to see from all that she has said and demonstrated that she does. I bet you can see it in her words, But I can't hold the feeling. Its my own defect and I surely hope that she is right that one day it will be fixed.

But like CT's post: Can't someone please just do this for me? Just one time? Just one time can't THE most significant person in my life, my attachment figure just know my needs and do whatever it takes to meet them?

As for judging that is one of my complaints I feel lately too that she defends and says "Absolutely not, no way." And like you, intellectually I know better, emotionally I am quite challenged.

Does my diagnosis make a difference in how she feels toward me? She says "NO! Never, I promise."

ME: "Why are you yelling at me?"

T:"I'm not yelling, I'm just very animated and passionate when I speak." (and frustrated)


ME: Can you please talk more clamly then, you are activating me."

T: "Ok."

This self I am seeing...it isn't pretty! It's like we've spent the first 2 1/2 years convincing me "there is nothing wrong with me", now we are brutally exposing my personal defects in my perception and I think, SEE! There is something wrong with me after all!!!
Confound it all anyway.

I am sorry, I swear last night my post had more empathy and compassion and maybe even a little encouragement for you. I am failing miserably today and I hope it doesn't affect you that way.
If nothing else, please know you're not alone as you feel and you T is probably no more distant than anyone elses'
JM

quote:

. My T doesn't give assurance like some of you describe. He has never said he cared or he liked me. He prefers to discuss why I worry that he doesn't. He believes that affirmation is not in what you say. It was difficult.

I think it is normal to want to know if someone you are confiding in cares. I think it is normal to want and even need that reassurance. For me it tells me that they are going to do a better job if they care. They will take what I say seriously and try their best to help me.

Afterall what would it mean if your T didn't care? To me it would mean (for me) that they'd have less inclination to be helpful to me.

Also for me it goes beyond if they care or not. It is more about do they see me as special? Am I an ordinary client? Do they have stronger feelings for me than their other clients? etc. I am finally grasping that it isn't about that as much as how I can see myself. I know it sounds so cliche. But I have struggled long and hard to get here. So far the scenery is crap and I want to go back to finding someone to be my surrogate mother. But anyone who'd truly try to fullfill that for me at my age would be a few cards short of a deck and would more than likely cause great harm.

Did any of you ever feel that your parents didn't care about you? Didn't care to know the real you? Wanted you to be someone who you were not? I know this is true for me.

quote:

Originally posted by incognito:
JM, thanks for asking about me. I haven't wanted to post because this week's session went badly and I feel like I'm unhelpable (not a real word).

I sent my T the email telling him I felt like quitting T. For half the session, we talked about how I didn't feel like T was working. We discussed how I felt he didn't care and didn't like me. My T doesn't give assurance like some of you describe. He has never said he cared or he liked me. He prefers to discuss why I worry that he doesn't. He believes that affirmation is not in what you say. It was difficult. He told me he thinks I should get mad and call him on things he does that make me think he's judging me. I can't do that. I know intellectually he's not judging me but emotionally I feel different and that makes me feel rejected and the last thing I want to do is tell him. He stayed with me and I made another appt. for next week but I'm not sure I should have. I also made an appt. with another T because I felt so confused.

Today I felt better for no reason at all and I've started thinking positively about my T and imagining a better conversation next week. It has become clear to me that my thoughts and feelings are pretty random and don't have much basis in reality. Last week I was convinced I had to quit T because I didn't hear from my T for 4 days. Now I feel so much better and I haven't had any contact with my T.

JM, I bet you wished you hadn't asked...

Hey I just wanted to let you know I totally can relate. I feel powerless in my therapist's office. I want to tell her how I feel, but it is like I can't get it out. I think I just have a lot of trouble expressing myself and because my abuse happened pre verbal. I am like a child and she is powering over me. Anyways its quite normal to feel like you have no power or control. I think with time it will happen. If you trust your therapist and feel he is a good fit than I would stick with it and eventually you will be able to open up more.

For me sometimes I write it all out in a letter and read it in session. Sometimes the letter is VERY VERY long...like 5 pages or more. That is because I hold back SO much in session. If I don't read a letter or poems I wrote.. I just sit there rambling about nothing that matters. Its hard to let out all of my feelings and thoughts out in a letter, but afterwords I feel heard. And it helps to have it all written down so I can just stare at the paper rather than at her. I feel like I am on the spot.

I also feel like my moods change a lot about my therapist. I think its the transference. I also think that it has to do with feeling speachless in their office. Feeling powerless so that we can't get out what we need and resent them, because we hold it in. I am afraid to make my therapist mad or offend her. I want her to like me. I want her to love me like she is my mom. But that won't happen. But its normal to feel like you want something back from them. I mean we open up our heart and soul to them and its hard to think they are only our therapist.

Even if it may seem cold, I do think that your therapist is doing what is right. If he just sat there and said he cared over and over it wouldn't really help anything. Instead he wants you to figure out why you want him to care. And that is a good thing. That shows he cares about you. Otherwise he would just say.. I CARE okay?!. If that makes any sense. He wants you to get better.

After bad sessions I tend to feel very exposed and angry/sad. I do consider stopping therapy. Sometimes therapy can be soooo painful. Drudging up all the bad feelings and experiences...

But I believe when it all comes down to it you can follow your heart and you will know if your therapist is write for you or not..