I saw childhood T from when I was 8 until I was 18. At first, I saw her almost every day because I was very unwell at the time. At the end, I saw her once a week, most of the time just for 10 min. I have little memories of the sessions, even though I currently have new memories coming back. She saved my life, and for this, I am very grateful, but she was also a hardcore Freudian, old-school, and that's partly why I stopped seeing her (so, that was the background).

CT was a "public" therapist/psychoanalyst (I don't know how they are called outside of France), so she was paid by the state and not by me or my parents, though I paid a symbolical price ($2 a session, something like that, because I was a child and actually had little money).
My adult-self gets it. To get a service, you pay. But my child-self finds this very unfair. I had no choice in going there, it was my parents choice, I knew she was paid, so I knew the payment was just to "make sure I did not like it". I mean, if it was a contract, shouldn't I have the possibility of refusing it? I had no choice. It was indeed for my own good, but then, it was not a contract, and pretending it was one is just plain lie and a way to make me obey.
Another puzzling thing is that I also had to pay for cancelled sessions. Even if they were cancelled 3 weeks in advance. If it was my choice to cancel (like not "because my family is going abroad for two weeks" but "it is the birthday of a friend and I want to go there"), I would pay. Even if the price was not high, still... it made me feel I had no choice, I was being punished for choosing life over therapy.
If I said I preferred the morning for the appointment time, she would schedule it for the afternoon. If I liked talking in one way, she would not listen until I spoke another. Anything making me feel good or safe was a trap to be avoided. I am guessing that there was a point in it. To make my skin tougher?
And I am struggling to understand it. I had always accepted it, just because... she was my childhood T, and she was therefore right. But now, everytime my T tries to make me feel safe in the therapy, or like what I want matters, I feel bad, like I am doing something bad.

I was just wondering if you had any insight on it, to understand my CT actions, and how CT and T can exist and whar I am supposed to feel or do.

Thank you.